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Compendium: Chapter 1

by UFO


Chapter 1

Edward jerked his hands away from the page letting it flutter to the floor, panting heavily with the sudden return to reality. His adult feet were planted firmly on the floor in his study but the feeling that he was falling still echoed in his stomach.

He was facing the fireplace, body shaking. Sweat beaded at his forehead. He wiped it away and he battered knuckles on his right hand throbbed when the raw skin came in contact with the salty perspiration. They hadn’t fully healed from a previous fist fight with his bedpost during some nightmare.

He turned away from the fire light, blinking it out of his eyes until only the flickering ghosts of green remained. He’d been sitting at his desk when he began reading. Why was he standing now, he wondered. It felt like he’d awakened from a nightmare where instead of falling from my bed, I’d fallen from the floor directly onto my feet. The sensation was wildly unpleasant.

He flinched when a sharp thumping noise came from across the room, still feeling the effects of being jolted from the memory. The roaring noise that he’d heard from the ocean’s horizon was actually coming from the far end of his study in the form of a steady tapping at his front door.

He shook off the debilitated feeling, took a deep breath and forced forced his limbs into motion, scooping up the torn piece of paper and placing it onto the desk.

“Coming,” He said before lifting the metal bar from the door frame and unlocking it.

Alanna stood outside, water dripping from her cloak. The streets were drowning in a downpour.

He stepped to the side letting her take refuge from the rain, “You would think that you’d have more sense than to come all the way out here in a storm like this.”

She pulled the hood back and wiped the water-soaked hair from her eyes. She was olive skinned and silver streaks stood out against her dark brown hair, even with the water darkening them to a flat gray. Her cool, intelligent violet eyes gazed up at me as if she could see straight into my soul. She very well could have if he’d let her.

She was the granddaughter of his childhood next door neighbor, and his oldest friend in the world. Her grandmother had raised her after the death of her parents and he’d come to know her as a sort of sister in suffering after tragedy struck in his own childhood. Granny B had taken them all in and they lived happily together until their teens.

“Did I wake you?” She asked apologetically, tossing her dripping cloak on corner coat rack.

“No, I was reading.”

“Oh,” she nodded, brushing past him and taking a seat next to the fireplace, “I’m sorry for dragging you out. I hope it wasn’t too much of a shock.” She held her hands toward the fire for warmth.

“Completely unbearable. I should be very upset,” He said with a melodramatic smile.

She looked at him and smiled, rolling her eyes but she didn’t say much more. She felt bad. He knew she did, even if he didn’t really mind interruption. She was a natural empath and she took almost excessive measures sometimes not to upset anyone. She was genuinely worried that he’d somehow been hurt while being forced from the page.

Edward reassured her that there was nothing to worry about with a genuine pleasant smile. It seemed to do the trick.

“Isaac’s page again?” she asked. There was sympathy in her voice.

“Why are you here so late?” He asked, avoiding the question. “And in this weather too. You’re likely to catch pneumonia. I know that I can be charming but this really isn’t the way to go about getting my attention!”

She smiled, “If I wanted attention I wouldn’t seek it from the criminal sort.”

“Hey! That hurts, you know,” he winced, grabbing a hand towel from a nearby shelf and playfully tossing it at her head.

She caught it, laughing, and pressed it to her neck first before attempting to dry her hair.

He walked around and took a seat behind his deck.

“So what’s the occasion?”

She stood and after a few final attempts to dry herself removed an envelope from an inside pocket in her uniform. She walked over and handed it to him.

A lion perched atop a pedestal of books, embroidered by a coat of arms was stamped into the wax seal. He knew immediately that it was from the Library. He gave her a puzzled look but she remained quiet. He glared at the elegant printing of his name on the front for a moment before breaking the seal and unfolding the letter inside.

To Mr. Edward Julius Mayfair.

It has come to our attention that you have been sending letters to various members of political importance in regard you loss in the petition for personal effects belonging to one Isaac Christopher Mayfair. Recent developments have lead us to believe you possess certain information that we would be willing to barter for. In exchange, a number of personal possessions will be made available to you as dictated by the last will and testament of the deceased. The State Counsel requests your presence at the Altamira East District Library for the conference. Members of the public guard will be dispatched to your home in the coming month to collect you. Details will be sent to you soon regarding your appointment.

-Director Osbourn Le Guin

Edward whistled, “Signed by the director himself. What did I do this time?”

Alanna laughed, “I’m only the messenger. Officially, I am not allowed to disclose any information regarding your summons.”

“And unofficially?”

“Unofficially, I believe that they’re afraid that your snooping around might be getting you closer to the investigation than they want you to be.

“So? I’m not hurting them by writing a few letters.”

Her tone turned serious, “I believe that they may want to put a stop to it. Edward, I’ve been hearing rumors that the investigators may be coming to some sort of conclusion about his death.”

If there were any humor Edward’s my face before then, it was gone now. “So, they’re finally going to stop dragging this out?” he asked. “Or have they decided it's time to just lock me away forever?”

“No one really believes you did it, Edward,” She said, her calm exterior melting away at the signs of my frustration.

“No one?” He yelled, suddenly furious. He slammed my hands down on the desk, standing as he did. “My job, my reputation, my entire social standing in my own damn hometown gone completely to hell and no one believes I did it?”

She jumped back at his sudden rise in volume.

“As if losing my brother wasn’t bad enough,” he yelled. “All I have to show for it is a single page that I’d manage to tear from his Compendium before the military dogs tore me away from his body. And they think I’m just going to keep quiet about it?”

His fists shook and he realized that Alanna’s face had gone red. She shrank away from him back into the chair in front of the fire. He could see it in her eyes, the fury that he felt. He suddenly remembered what he was doing. He’d dropped his emotional guard against her and she’d been overwhelmed by the suddenness of it.He took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm down before speaking again. He couldn’t let my feelings get the better of him, for her sake.

“Let’s agree to disagree on that matter,” I said. “Even if that’s true, it’s still the Library. I don’t trust it.” He sank back into his chair, shutting his emotions off and looked toward the window, brooding.

Alanna stared into the flickering fire. He glanced over at her. The calm was returning. She closed her eyes and he could visibly see the color leave her cheeks and her tension melt away into an almost soothing expression.

A moment of silence passed.

“Sorry,” He muttered.

“It’s OK,” she said back with a short sigh.

Sudden emotional uproar takes its toll on on the body. A normal person would feel fatigued after a shouting argument and he knew that for her it had to be much worse.

He stood and went over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder

“It’s late,” He said. You take my bed. I’ll be fine by the fire.”

She leaned her head into his arm for a moment, taking a few more deep breaths before nodding and standing. She turned and wrapped her arms around him. He was startled by the sudden cold of the dampened towel she still held pressing into his back but returned the embrace

“Damn them for sending you out in this weather,” he said.

“They didn’t. I wasn’t supposed to deliver the message to you until morning.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I couldn’t wait.”

“Thanks. It means a lot”

They stood like that for a little longer before she let go. She pawed at her eyes a little, wiping away he hoped was water from her damp hair.

“Whatever it is you’re going to do,” she said, “you’ve got a month to do it.”

“I know,” He said, moving to clear a path between her and the bedroom.

“Are you sure I should stay?” She asked. “I don’t want to be any trouble.”

He smiled, “Please. You’re family.”

He noticed her smile faltered a bit but she quickly shook her head and it returned to normal.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “Just worried about you.”

“I’ll be fine,” He said. “Get some rest.”

He followed her to the bedroom and bid her goodnight, taking the towel and tossing it into a basket before returning to the study. He returned the Library’s letter to the envelope and tucked the page torn from Isaac’s book into a leather bound journal in a drawer. Then he crept over to the armchair Alanna had sat in by the fire and sank into it, yawning.

He grimaced, noticing the chair was damp, but settled in anyway.

The Library wants me in for an official meeting, he thought. He wondered what sort of card they had up their sleeves. A number of the deceased's personal possessions will be made available to you the letter had said. Isaac hadn’t left him anything of value in his will. He’d read it with the Triad lawyers before the military deemed that everything be put on hold until the case had been solved. They’d deemed it all classified material evidence in an ongoing investigation, but he still remembered what was written in that will.

Isaac had left nothing behind, no possessions, no fortune, no family heirlooms, only a short speech about how he wished that he and Edward had been closer. It had sounded more like a suicide note to Edward but it wasn’t uncommon for military personnel to have a last will and testament, even for someone as young as Isaac.

That still bothered him.

They’d had their fair share of differences for nearly a decade and had hardly spoken after Isaac left for the military. It was mostly his fault; he’d never been keen on him joining. But in the last two years before Isaac’s death, they’d managed to move past their differences and form a bond like the old days. The lawyer said that Isaac had revised his Will the same year of his death. At that point he and Edward had become rather close again and Edward couldn’t understand why he would leave behind absolutely nothing behind. No photographs, no special possessions, not even a handwritten letter. It was suspicious.

Yet the letter from the Library suggested that there were multiple items waiting to be claimed.

There was only one item that Edward could think of that would warrant claiming anyway. Isaac’s actual final testament to the world. The one thing that could put his suspicions to rest and allow him to move on. Isaac’s Compendium. His death book.

Edward watched the flames dance in the fireplace until he fell asleep. He dreamt of building sand castles on a beach in silence with a man who looked exactly like him.


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Fri Jun 23, 2017 12:53 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi again!

Nit-picks:

He wiped it away and the battered knuckles on his right hand throbbed


It felt like he’d awakened from a nightmare where instead of falling from my bed, I’d fallen from the floor directly onto my feet.

You switch from third to first person halfway through this sentence.

He flinched when a sharp thumping noise came from across the room

This is a little off because you tell me the effect before the cause, which is the opposite order from when they happened. This breaks my immersion because it doesn't feel like I'm experiencing things at the same time as Edward, which was how it had been so suspenseful thus far.

“Coming,” Hhe said


take refuge from the rain, “You would

That comma should be a full stop.

Her cool, intelligent violet eyes gazed up at me as if she could see straight into my soul.

First person switch again.

melodramatic smile.

Not sure what that would look like. More likely to be a melodramatic frown, then him breaking to a smile afterwards.

You’re likely to catch pneumonia.

"likely" sounds a bit too clinical. Telling someone off, even jokingly, would be something like "you're gonna" or "you're bound to".

He walked around and took a seat behind his deck.

"desk"?

It has come to our attention that

Since this is what the letter says it would be useful to put it in italics or quotation marks or something.

in regard you loss

That doesn't seem right, but I'm not sure what it should be.

“Unofficially, I believe that they’re afraid that your snooping around might be getting you closer to the investigation than they want you to be.

There should be speech marks at the end of this, but also it seems unlikely she would be so willing to disclose this.

suddenness of it.He took a couple of deep breaths

missed space

shutting his emotions off and looked toward the window

either "shutting" should be "shut" or "looked" should be "looking".

“It’s late,” He said. You take my bed. I’ll be fine by the fire.”

You forgot the speech marks before "You"

She pawed at her eyes a little, wiping away what he hoped was water from her damp hair.

repeat of "behind"

Overall:

Character: I really like the switch from Isaac to Edward. You make it clear this is what's happened really subtly, and I get a good sense of Edward. I also get a good sense of Alanna, who seems really cool. I think like I mentioned in the nit-pick though at least some element of split loyalty in her would be good.

Setting: Details dropped at an appropriate pace and in the right moments. Well done :)

Plot: This is such an interesting idea! I'm really into this idea of a Compendium and all the pain it could bring someone looking into their relative's memories. I'm a little unclear on the backstory of their childhood (it sounded like it was Edward going off and leaving, now it seems to be Isaac who went into the military). But there's plenty of time to bring this out.

Flow: You keep switching from third to first person, which is really distracting.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




ExOmelas says...


Oh also, could you let me know when the next chapter is up? Would very much nice to read.



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Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:07 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hi! MJ dropping by for a short review :)

Edward jerked his hands away from the page letting it flutter to the floor, panting heavily with the sudden return to reality. His adult feet were planted firmly on the floor in his study but the feeling that he was falling still echoed in his stomach. You were missing a lot of commas throughout this piece. Here's a guide for reference if you want to double-check something: http://www.businessinsider.com/a-guide- ... use-2013-9

He was facing the fireplace, body shaking. Sweat beaded at his forehead. He wiped it away and he battered knuckles on his right hand throbbed when the raw skin came in contact with the salty perspiration. They hadn’t fully healed from a previous fist fight with his bedpost during some nightmare.

He turned away from the fire lightfirelight is one word, blinking it out of his eyes until only the flickering ghosts of green remained. He’d been sitting at his desk when he began reading. Why was he standing now, he wondered.? It felt like he’d awakened from a nightmare where instead of falling from my bed, I’d fallen from the floor directly onto my feet. You switched perspective from 3rd person to 1st personThe sensation was wildly unpleasant.

He flinched when a sharp thumping noise came from across the room, still feeling the effects of being jolted from the memory. The roaring noise that he’d heard from the ocean’s horizon was actually coming from the far end of his study in the form of a steady tapping at his front door.

He shook off the debilitated feeling, took a deep breath and forced forced his limbs into motion, scooping up the torn piece of paper and placing it onto the desk.

“Coming,” He said before lifting the metal bar from the door frame and unlocking it.

Alanna stood outside, water dripping from her cloak. The streets were drowning in a downpour.

He stepped to the side, letting her take refuge from the rain, “You would think that you’d have more sense than to come all the way out here in a storm like this.”

She pulled the hood back and wiped the water-soaked hair from her eyes. She was olive skinned and silver streaks stood out against her dark brown hair, even with the water darkening them to a flat gray. Her cool, intelligent violet eyes gazed up at me as if she could see straight into my soul. She very well could have if he’d let her. Again, you switch from 1st person to 3rd person.

She was the granddaughter of his childhood next door neighbor, and his oldest friend in the world. Her grandmother had raised her after the death of her parents and he’d come to know her as a sort of sister in suffering after tragedy struck in his own childhood. Granny B had taken them all in and they lived happily together until their teens. This is a huge info dump. It's not necessary for the reader to know this much. Something like this "She had been his best friend since childhood, bonded through separate tragedies that had afflicted their childhood and raised together happily till their teens." gives enough information without overwhelming the reader.

“Did I wake you?” She asked apologetically, tossing her dripping cloak on corner coat rack.

“No, I was reading.”

“Oh,” she nodded, brushing past him and taking a seat next to the fireplace, “I’m sorry for dragging you out. I hope it wasn’t too much of a shock.” She held her hands toward the fire for warmth.

“Completely unbearable. I should be very upset,” He said with a melodramatic smile.

She looked at him and smiled, rolling her eyes but she didn’t say much more. She felt bad. He knew she did, even if he didn’t really mind interruption. She was a natural empath and she took almost excessive measures sometimes not to upset anyone. She was genuinely worried that he’d somehow been hurt while being forced from the page.

Edward reassured her that there was nothing to worry about with a genuine pleasant smile. It seemed to do the trick.

“Isaac’s page again?” she asked. There was sympathy in her voice.

“Why are you here so late?” He asked, avoiding the question. “And in this weather too. You’re likely to catch pneumonia. I know that I can be charming but this really isn’t the way to go about getting my attention!”

She smiled, “If I wanted attention I wouldn’t seek it from the criminal sort.”

“Hey! That hurts, you know,” he winced, grabbing a hand towel from a nearby shelf and playfully tossing it at her head.

She caught it, laughing, and pressed it to her neck first before attempting to dry her hair.

He walked around and took a seat behind his deck.

“So what’s the occasion?”

She stood and after a few final attempts to dry herself removed an envelope from an inside pocket in her uniform. She walked over and handed it to him.

A lion perched atop a pedestal of books, embroidered by a coat of arms was stamped into the wax seal. He knew immediately that it was from the Library. He gave her a puzzled look but she remained quiet. He glared at the elegant printing of his name on the front for a moment before breaking the seal and unfolding the letter inside.

To Mr. Edward Julius Mayfair.

It has come to our attention that you have been sending letters to various members of political importance in regard you to your loss in the petition for personal effects belonging to one Isaac Christopher Mayfair. Recent developments have lead us to believe you possess certain information that we would be willing to barter for. In exchange, a number of personal possessions will be made available to you as dictated by the last will and testament of the deceased. The State Counsel requests your presence at the Altamira East District Library for the conference. Members of the public guard will be dispatched to your home in the coming month to collect you. Details will be sent to you soon regarding your appointment.

-Director Osbourn Le Guin

Edward whistled, “Signed by the director himself. What did I do this time?”

Alanna laughed, “I’m only the messenger. Officially, I am not allowed to disclose any information regarding your summons.”

“And unofficially?”

“Unofficially, I believe that they’re afraid that your snooping around might be getting you closer to the investigation than they want you to be.

“So? I’m not hurting them by writing a few letters.”

Her tone turned serious, “I believe that they may want to put a stop to it. Edward, I’ve been hearing rumors that the investigators may be coming to some sort of conclusion about his death.”

If there were any humor Edward’s my face before then, it was gone now. “So, they’re finally going to stop dragging this out?” he asked. “Or have they decided it's time to just lock me away forever?”

“No one really believes you did it, Edward,” She said, her calm exterior melting away at the signs of my frustration.

“No one?” He yelled, suddenly furious. He slammed my hands down on the desk, standing as he did. “My job, my reputation, my entire social standing in my own damn hometown gone completely to hell and no one believes I did it?” I can understand a sudden change, but this was a little too sudden. Although this advice might sound kinda weird, I would make it a little less sudden-maybe he doesn't shout, but just snaps, and then gradually rises up to a shout

She jumped back at his sudden rise in volume.

“As if losing my brother wasn’t bad enough,” he yelled. “All I have to show for it is a single page that I’d manage to tear from his Compendium before the military dogs tore me away from his body. And they think I’m just going to keep quiet about it?”

His fists shook and he realized that Alanna’s face had gone red. She shrank away from him back into the chair in front of the fire. He could see it in her eyes, the fury that he felt. He suddenly remembered what he was doing. He’d dropped his emotional guard against her and she’d been overwhelmed by the suddenness of it.He took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm down before speaking again. He couldn’t let my feelings get the better of him, for her sake. Another perspective switch, towards the end. Also, what do you mean by his "emotional guard"? Do you mean he let himself get carried away, or is there something else that I'm missing there?

“Let’s agree to disagree on that matter,” I said. “Even if that’s true, it’s still the Library. I don’t trust it.” He sank back into his chair, shutting his emotions off and looked toward the window, brooding.

Alanna stared into the flickering fire. He glanced over at her. The calm was returning. She closed her eyes and he could visibly see the color leave her cheeks and her tension melt away into an almost soothing expression.

A moment of silence passed.

“Sorry,” He muttered.

“It’s OK,” she said back with a short sigh.

Sudden emotional uproar takes its toll on on the body. A normal person would feel fatigued after a shouting argument and he knew that for her it had to be much worse.

He stood and went over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder

“It’s late,” He said. You take my bed. I’ll be fine by the fire.”

She leaned her head into his arm for a moment, taking a few more deep breaths before nodding and standing. She turned and wrapped her arms around him. He was startled by the sudden cold of the dampened towel she still held pressing into his back but returned the embrace

“Damn them for sending you out in this weather,” he said.

“They didn’t. I wasn’t supposed to deliver the message to you until morning.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I couldn’t wait.”

“Thanks. It means a lot”

They stood like that for a little longer before she let go. She pawed at her eyes a little, wiping away he hoped was water from her damp hair.

“Whatever it is you’re going to do,” she said, “you’ve got a month to do it.”

“I know,” He said, moving to clear a path between her and the bedroom.

“Are you sure I should stay?” She asked. “I don’t want to be any trouble.”

He smiled, “Please. You’re family.”

He noticed her smile faltered a bit but she quickly shook her head and it returned to normal.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “Just worried about you.”

“I’ll be fine,” He said. “Get some rest.”

He followed her to the bedroom and bid her goodnight, taking the towel and tossing it into a basket before returning to the study. He returned the Library’s letter to the envelope and tucked the page torn from Isaac’s book into a leather bound journal in a drawer. Then he crept over to the armchair Alanna had sat in by the fire and sank into it, yawning.

He grimaced, noticing the chair was damp, but settled in anyway.

The Library wants me in for an official meeting, he thought. He wondered what sort of card tricks they had up their sleeves. "A number of the deceased's personal possessions will be made available to you," the letter had said. Isaac hadn’t left him anything of value in his will. He’d read it with the Triad lawyers before the military deemed that everything be put on hold until the case had been solved. They’d deemed it all classified material evidence in an ongoing investigation, but he still remembered what was written in that will.

Isaac had left nothing behind, no possessions, no fortune, no family heirlooms, only a short speech about how he wished that he and Edward had been closer. It had sounded more like a suicide note to Edward but it wasn’t uncommon for military personnel to have a last will and testament, even for someone as young as Isaac. Where did the things he must have had go, then? To his family? The way you're writing it, it seems like Isaac had nothing, which is obviously not completely possible.

That still bothered him.

They’d had their fair share of differences for nearly a decade and had hardly spoken after Isaac left for the military. It was mostly his fault; he’d never been keen on him joining. But in the last two years before Isaac’s death, they’d managed to move past their differences and form a bond like the old days. The lawyer said that Isaac had revised his Will the same year of his death. At that point he and Edward had become rather close again and Edward couldn’t understand why he would leave behind absolutely nothing behind. No photographs, no special possessions, not even a handwritten letter. It was suspicious.

Yet the letter from the Library suggested that there were multiple items waiting to be claimed.

There was only one item that Edward could think of that would warrant claiming anyway. Isaac’s actual final testament to the world. The one thing that could put his suspicions to rest and allow him to move on. Isaac’s Compendium. His death book.

Edward watched the flames dance in the fireplace until he fell asleep. He dreamt of building sand castles on a beach in silence with a man who looked exactly like him.


I loved that ending, and this story was overall written phenomenally.. You did have some issues with perspective, which can be easily resolved, and there were some minor questions I had about the plot and one situation where I corrected an info-dump. I liked seeing the relationship between Alanna and Edward contrasting to the relationship between Edward and Isaac, and the way the government plays into it. It's an intriguing and well-thought-out plot, and I have no nitpicks for the characters. Great job, and please let me know when you post the next chapter!

Best wishes,
MJ




UFO says...


Thanks!
I'm working on the info dumps. It's a nasty habit and something I've struggled with. I'm glad that people are willing to point it out :)

As for the perspective changes, that's a mistake on my oart. I originated Write a lot of this in a first person and switched to third. Just missed a few spots. Thanks for pointing them out.

Do you feel like I need to flesh out Alana a little more? I left descriptions of Edward out of this chapter as well and wondered if they were something I should add.

There's a prologue to this in the green room too, still, if you wish to see exactly how the compendium works



Atticus says...


I think that as long as you keep expanding on their characters, including physical features, in future chapters, it's not necessarily a priority right now. If you wanted to add in some more descriptions of each character, it would still be good and wouldn't detract from the story. It's up to you, as long as you're careful not to info dump.



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Fri Jun 16, 2017 6:16 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! Thought I'd drop by and review this.

I like this a lot, honestly. You have a good sense for dramatic timing. The story opens at just the right place and the atmosphere is good. You have all the essentials in here - everything that needs to be introduced is explained quite nicely. I particularly like the last part of this chapter as it becomes clear what exactly Edward needs. I'm really interested in these Compendiums.

I have two suggestions:

First, although your explanations surrounding the Compendiums and why he's been sending letters to the police - essentially the parts that introduce the main conflict - are concise, clear, and interesting. But you also basically explain the history between him and Alanna in a couple paragraphs, and that really fell flat for me. I've only just met this character - I don't want to know their life story quite yet, especially when I haven't gotten a sense for their personality yet. Particularly in the first part of chapter, Alanna and Edward's interactions felt flat and a bit awkward, and Alanna wasn't very memorable to me as a character. Later, it was a lot better, but the bad first impression was already made.

They’d had their fair share of differences for nearly a decade and had hardly spoken after Isaac left for the military. It was mostly his fault; he’d never been keen on him joining. But in the last two years before Isaac’s death, they’d managed to move past their differences and form a bond like the old days. The lawyer said that Isaac had revised his Will the same year of his death. At that point he and Edward had become rather close again and Edward couldn’t understand why he would leave behind absolutely nothing behind.

Similarly with this exposition talking about Edwards relationship with Isaac - it just felt sterile, too much like telling. Overall, I'd work on making the character interactions shine and letting yourself take a bit longer with explaining the history of their relationships.

The main other thing that distracted me from the story was grammar stuff, mostly missing commas and incorrect dialogue punctuation. For understanding dialogue punctuation, I highly recommend this article: Punctuation within Dialogue. Commas are a bit trickier, but this gives a decent overview: The Great Grammar Compendium. Then again, maybe you already know this stuff and just haven't edited yet. :P

Anyway, I really enjoyed this! I'm most interested to see what a society where everyone turns into a book upon death looks like. Would people keep fewer secrets? I'm guessing not...




UFO says...


Thanks! And yeah I agree with you on the information dumps. I have a nasty habit of that.
I'll take a look at punctuation and grammar. I just save editing until after the story is written usually.
There's actually a prologue chapter still in the green room if you would like to see exactly how the compendiums work :3




I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison