Young Writers Society

I like how in the first part of the chapter you kind of foreshadow events in the future. It keeps the reader thinking as they read on from the beginning of the story.

I think it could still use some work. For an example,

"Then, I lost her again, but I wouldn't get her back for a third time."

I would remove this because this implies that she succumbed to her disease, no? I wouldn't want to spoil the ending unless your main focus is the experience of the love and such.

You can try rewording some of your sentences up there to keep it concise and short. The goal is to foreshadow, not spoil, and keep the reader thinking.

Also, I noticed at the end you did a great job of "show" instead of "tell". However, in the middle you say: "My mom sighed in anger but didn't say anything else after that."

Sighed in anger is a lot of tell. Instead, you could say something like: "My mom sighed in anger and shook her head. She didn't say anything after that."

Overall nice little introduce to the story.

Hello, gxldencrxwns! You requested a review from me and I completely forgot so forgive me for that!

I don't know what it is about this really short chapter but I like it and I don't really have advice for it except that it should be longer and more descriptive. Maybe describe what the boy sees when he looks out the window and how him and his mom feel some more. Also, this kind of story has been done a lot already so if I were you I'd think about how I could make this different to stand out from all the rest. Avoid clichés and the like and I feel like this could be a really good story. And I'd also lengthen this chapter like I already said or make it a part 1.
Anyways, good luck with your future chapters!

~Ruby

Hey there! Eli here with a lovely review!

We will go through the story little by little, one review is already done but I want to make it my way as well and give you my true opinion so you can hear one more person giving their thought about your work. First person works will always look less interesting for me because it makes me feel awkward to read but I will not mention this as a complain because this is a personal thing.

The work is in orange. The bold remarks are my edits in your work! Discussion down below and questions are welcome always. I am all ears.





Call me stupid for this, but even after I have left her for 10 years, I still had feelings for her.

Even if she acted like she hated me, I loved that she was like that.

The illness part is really confusing. It is not weird to have an illness as the previous reviewer said.



"Rex, sweetie... I know you're angry about moving out, but this will be a great job opportunity for me. Besides, we're moving into a nice house. There's three stories of housing and 10 acres here. Think of everything you can do." My mom stared back into the mirror one last time, then sighed and turned her attention back to the road.


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My mom sighed in anger but didn't say anything else after that. I've always had a negative personality, and I thought she was used to it by now. Normally, when I'm like this, she would cook me spaghetti, my favorite food. But, mom couldn't afford plane tickets, so we've been driving for two days from Atlanta to Madison. (And that means... you guessed it, no spaghetti, obviously. I think going two days without it is driving me crazy.)

The last sentence was pretty complex and rather useless. Maybe 'No spaghetti for me for these two days' or something of this sort would be better if you still want it in.

I did not add in the parts that needed no editing or my editing is already done by someone else and you have seen it and corrected it right. The story is basic to be honest but it can turn into something special. Like why the mother did not want the memories of her husband? Does she have negative feelings towards him?

Keep on writing!

Hey there gxldencrxwns,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

Call me stupid for this, but even after I left her for 10 years, I still had feelings for her.  Not a bad opening for a story.

Even if she acted like she hated me, I loved how she was like that. Ok, so this feels like an unfinished idea.

It's weird to say that I was eight when it happened, but I loved her. When what happened

You can call this weird too, but, she had a disease. How would having a disease be weird, uncommon but not weird.Did that stop me? No.

I lost her once, when I had to move away. 

Ten years later, I came back home and saw her again. 

Then,remove the comma here I lost her again, but I wouldn't get her back for a third time. 

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I looked out the backseat window of the car I was inside ofWell of course you would be inside of the car.. My mom, who was drivingIs it necessary for your reader to know that the mother is the one driving the car?, would occasionally look back at me from the review mirror. I never returned the look. 

"Rex, sweetie... I would change the ellipsis to a comma if I were you.I know your angry about moving, but this will be a great job opportunity for me. Besides, we're moving into a nice house. There's three stories of housing and 10 acres here. Think of all the playtime when you make new friends."Mmm, the final sentence here reads weird. My mom stared back into the mirror one last time, then sighed and turned her attention back to the road. 

"Who said I was going to make new friends...Again, the ellipsis is out of place here." I muttered. "I had only two back at home, so what makes you think I'll make some here?" 

"Honey, you're eight. Stop being so negative." 

"I can be if it's the truth, mom." 

Mom sighed in anger but didn't say anything else after that. You have referenced your protagonists mother as 'my mom' but here you don't. Just be careful so you can make sure you have consistency. I've always had a negative personality, and I thought she was used to it by now. Normally, when I'm like this, she would cook me spaghetti. But, mom couldn't afford plane tickets, so we've been driving for two days from Atlanta to Madison. And that means... no spaghetti. I think going two days without it is driving me crazy. Ok so, there are a couple things I want to mention here. First, your use of ellipsis is slightly annoying. You don't need them. As is, they're just getting in the way. Second, there are parts of the text that feel rather useless. For one, your reader could assume that since they're driving they cant make spaghetti, kind of common sense. Also why spaghetti? Does spaghetti have some form of importance because it feels like it does.

I moved my eyes away from the window and turned my attention to my backpack. I picked it up and zipped it open. Action figures, games, books, and other things littered the bag inside, but I dug my hand inside for one thing. My gameboy. Gameboy should be capitalized since it's a brand name. After about five minutes of rummaging, I poured everything out on the seat beside me. 

"Mom, where's my gameboy?" I asked. 

Mom looked back at me though the review mirror. "Oh that old thing? I threw it away."

"What?! Mom, that was my favorite thing ever! Didn't you forget dad gave it to me?!"

"Rex! Don't bring your father into this!" I could understand why Rex would be yelling, but I don't see why the mother is.

"I can if I want to! Are you trying to make me forget he died?!" Pick only one form of punctuation

"Rex, I don't want any memory of him here. I just... want to start over, you know?" This seems super backwards to me. Unless Rex's father had somehow "dishonored" the family then why would it be a bad thing that to have memories of him. Also, the dialogue between the two characters sounds and reads a little unrealistic.

"Yep, sure, whatever." I shoved everything back into my backpack and shovedYou've already used 'shoved' so change it to something like "tossed" or "threw" it down onto the floorboard. 

Mom gave me one last look in the mirror, and although no words came out of her mouth, her eyes told me thousands of words. I ignored every single one of them.