Young Writers Society

Hey Becca,

Sorry for the long delay.

There are aspects of this I enjoyed, I really felt the vibe and structure for this piece fits well as a prose-poem. I also enjoyed the concept and the journey the narrator undergoes- the idea of deconstructing the emotional breakdown of the narrator and sort of collecting herself again. Some of my favorite lines: " skin hanging on the maple tree outside of your Brooklyn apartment " the specificity here is strong, and the image powerful. I really feel a sense of vindictiveness but also an emptiness, loved, loved, loved.

I also enjoyed seeing the organs lined up waiting for the F train - I thought that bit of dark humor there was super unique and full of character!

As for improvements - keep in mind - these are mostly subjective. I think you know the vision for this poem best, so take what helps you and leave what doesn't!

My major nitpick, I feel the beginning line needs a bit of work because of the juxtaposition of two contrary things. Immediately, we're off and running with this contemplative tone that is mostly philisophical, abstract, outside of time and reality itself and not only that, but it is looking back to a moment. SO this is important to the overall feel of the poem, because it is outlining from the start exactly what the poem is - but I also felt it lacked immediacy, which made the poem feel melodramatic like it was overexaggerating and flat. The reason it feels this way is the juxtaposition of that sentence. ON the one hand, you have this very laid back "When I left you..." which is this soft-kind of contemplative tone.

And then you have this imagery like a bomb drop on us, "..a bomb exploded" any bomb going off, any gun going off - these imagery are normally super dramatic, it ramps up the tension, it ramps up the anxiety, it ramps up people's curiosity because they want to know what happens. However, when connected with the context of the next few lines, it gets immediately downplayed -- we immediately find out: 1.) it's not a physical bomb 2.) the narrator survives this 3.) pain is not showed, but rather told --and this is anticlimatic, no?

"...in my body cavity" is trying to bring the immediacy of the action, it's trying to "hype" the bomb going off by saying to us this is happening to my body, this thing is inside of me. But the emotions we should be feeling (shock, horror, anxiety, frightened, surprise, tension, recoil) all fall flat for the reasons stated earlier - we're not feeling this bomb, we're not smelling it, we're not touching or seeing or tasting it - we're completely outside and disconnected from the experience and reading words on the screen. The line is "told" to us, and then as fast as the next line - we're whipped back to a different time and place like a flashback "throughout the time we were together..." except, we're not taken to a SCENE, we're taken to a NARRATION of time having passed, and not experiencing the moments or emotions or interactions that led to the breakup, just the information. Just the knowledge that it happened. And so, as a prose poem -- that deals with scenes -- as a poem that deals with emotions -- it all falls flat.

For example, instead of telling us the bomb exploded, show us instead--

When I left you, my lungs collapsed into that space under the covers. We would hide there, entangled in one another, so close our ribs shattered with each stroke of lightning, and the shadows now manic, seizing up to destroy me from inside ~

^ Not the best, I know, but just wanted to contrast the kind of writing that this lacks is the "grounded" scene that as a reader I can connect with. I need to know my characters before I can explore the conceptual/abstract reality with them, right? I do think the ideas here are tight. I think the concept is amazing. What needs work is trying to pin down how to make the reader FEEL and how to make the reader EXPERIENCE. If you can layer that along with the concept / ideas - I think this can be super powerful in trying to evoke that journey for us.

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

This is beautiful. That might exactly be the word you'd expect for this piece, considering its content, but you do such a good job setting a mood and creating images in my mind, that I am thoroughly impressed.

For example, "body cavity" is great word choice. It evokes a certain amount of anxiety and discomfort, while also creating an image in my mind of red, damaged insides. "Solution might be a bit of an overstatement," is also a great bit of dark humor.

The only problem I have is with the title. I'm not sure what it has to do with the story or its contents. While I know that nostos is a common theme in heroic Greek literature, I don't know what that has to do with the explosion here.

Overall, there's not much else I would suggest for this piece. I can only hope that you do more short pieces like these in the future, or maybe even a longer piece that works within this style.

Hi beccalicious94,

Daemon here for a little reviewing.

Let me start by saying, this, in my opinion, is beautiful.
Clearly thought out, and at times quite concise, but your imagery is on point.

However, there were times when your prose felt a bit underhanded, for example; your final paragraph changes tempo and idea quite faster than the rest of the piece, and I would have liked to see it drawn out slightly. Just a little bit more.

I love your comparisons, both the subtle(Saline solution = salt water = tears), as well as the not so subtle(...sitting on sixth avenue).

One of the better pieces I've read on here in a while.
Keep up the good work, looking forward to more.

~DaemonDarkthorn