z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

My Demonic Instinct Chapter 1.1

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

A/N: Hey guys, it's your not-so-friendly neighborhood demon goddess. Give me your soul, puny mortals.

With that aside, this really only counts as a fanfiction because I use character concepts from the fancomic (of several different fandoms) BABTQFTIM. This is the tumblr page if you want to check it out. The characters used are: Bendy, Cups, Maggie, Cuppaccino, Mugs, Boris, Dr. Felix, and Mrs. Ortensia (so far). I also use characters from the fandoms Creepypasta and Undertale.

Anyways, this fanfiction, for the most part, is completely made up (except for the character concepts said above). All backstories are different from canon- except for the Creepypasta ones, but I'll explain them in detail- and the characters have extremely different personalities and interests than the ones in BABTQFTIM. For example, Cups and Bendy definitely don't have love interests with each other in said comic. They practically hate each other at this point.

The point of that little rant was to tell you that you do not, and I repeat, do not, need to know the characters of the said fandoms to read this, so feel free to read this fanfic -- at your own risk, mwuahaha.

Oh, and some of the characters, are, in fact, copyright Kara. Crystal, for example, is my own character, as are a few characters that will come later (I will include an author's note per chapter to remind you). The school, settings, and stories - except for Creepypasta ones - are also all mine.

And, do me a favor. When you review, can you tell me a better title than "My Demonic Instinct" for this type of romance? I really need help XD I'm not the best at titles. Also, can you talk about mechanics, pacing, PoV, believability, engagement, and about my characters and how they can improve? I don't want a lot of grammar stuff. I am aware that grammar stuffs is what I put in my reviews the most, but that's because the author doesn't include a handy dandy author's note to tell me "NO GRAMMAR," haha. Thanks!

Your souls are mine -

DemonGoddess, formally KaraStevens

Chapter 1.1: In Which it is the First Day

---

Monday:

---

-- Cups --

There is one word that can provide light to darkness. Opportunities to hopelessness. Abilities to worthlessness. A light in the tunnel. A blanket of security. One word that could lead me to a life not completely consumed by fighting and killing and blood.

School.

I glanced at the paper in front of me with my schedule and the formal letter from the principal in my hand. After me and my bro had a good laugh at the letter - filled with “I expressively will be awaiting your arrival at our glorious school” and “I can’t wait to meet you and make your acquaintance” and other ridiculous stuff - I just stared at the top of my letter for a minute. It had those six glorious letters, albeit with the words “Riverside” and “High” right before it; I ignored those.

I leaned my head back into my seat and looked at Mugs. My little brother was chatting it up with a girl next to her - a girl named Maggie, I knew - and making her laugh about once every minute. Sighing, I returned my gaze to my paper and set it to the side with a groan. I closed my eyes and daydreamed.

I looked down at him with a smile on my face, getting a view of the top and side of his head and the pavement below. Worried that he will notice, I drew my head back up to look at the sign in front of me saying “Riverside High School.” But then out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking up at me. At me. Bends never had time to look up at me, since he mostly detested me for most of the time I knew him. I resisted the urge to look down, knowing I’ll give into him if I do.

But I do look down anyway, because there’s precious little opportunity to see his face. Him being so short and also him being so “I hate my looks I should hide them with a black emo hoodie” and all. He was smiling at me. I couldn’t believe myself. Bendy, smiling at me. I used to attempt to kill him

I actually quite liked the way he looked when he smiled. All of his teeth were perfectly white and his tan face complimented his strange reddish-black eyes perfectly. His black hair, spiked up on top of his head like demonic horns, created a strange effect on his face like it was glowing. God, he’s so beautiful handsome amazing. The upturned corners of his mouth revealed his sharp teeth, a sight I’ve only seen once before.

“Crazy, isn’t it?” he asked me, smile dropping into a serious face. “We’re in school. We have an education. We can have a future that isn’t you attempting to kill me and me attempting to run from you every second of the day.”

I nod, trying to keep a smile from blossoming over my own face as well. Total failure in that part. I grab him on his shoulder and run my hand up and down his arm kind of like a brother would. He doesn’t pull away, another surprise. He absolutely hates to be touched, especially by me.

He is still looking at me, and I am still looking at him. Suddenly, we’re in a deep void that only we are inside of. It becomes… almost magical, transforming into a forest , no, the forest where I realized I didn’t have to try to kill him anymore with fireflies dancing all around us and both of us in raggedy clothes from running in the thorns. He’s still smiling at me. It seemed to me that it would be the perfect time to lean in and -

I jolted out of my daydream as the bus jolted to a stop in front of one of the most familiar houses in the neighborhood. Bendy’s uncle’s house. A short figure - Bendy - in a typical black hoodie with a red demon on the back, stuffed his hands into the pockets inside of it and crossed the street to get onto the bus almost grudgingly. His brother, however, Boris, practically skipped onto the bus. Boris was a freshman. Both Bendy and I were sophomores, as a result of us not having education for years.

Boris climbed onto the bus. The tall black wolf with a future as a basketball player frowned as he realized he would not be sitting with Mugs. He shrugged anyway and sat with Maggie’s sister, of whom I forget the name of. Mugs laughed and turned around to talk to Boris about various things, such as the new game on his computer and how excited he is for school. Yet, my attention wasn’t towards them: it was towards the short person climbing onto the bus.

He trudged up the stairs and turned his head to move towards the seats. He saw me, I guessed - I couldn’t see his facial features - because his head moved slightly upwards to face towards me. He shuffled towards me with regret? disappointment? showing on his shoulders. They were slumped down almost like he was carrying heavy boulders on them.

I smiled. “Hey, Bends!” I said. Bendy nodded, indicating that he had heard me, and took his hand out of his pocket - which was a pure black skin color - to gesture if he could take a seat. I bobbed my head in acceptation and grabbed my schedule-and-stupid-principal-letter paper and scooted over to the window seat. Bendy sat down with reluctance. Suddenly, he did something I would never guess Bendy, of all demons people would do. He hugged me.

“God…” I mumbled. I hugged him back and silently chastised myself for saying that, even though he didn’t react or anything. You can’t say that around demons, Cups! They can’t stand that word!

Bendy pulled away and slumped inside his seat. His head tilted towards me a little bit. He took his hands out of his pockets and removed his hood, revealing his beautifully tanned face marred with what looked like tear streaks running down his cheeks. His eyes were a little watery and puffy, as well as his lips. He was… crying?

To get this straight, Bendy is not an emotional person. Never was, probably never will be. Boris described him in his teen years as: “Always hard, never giving anyone what they want emotion; wise, and always had a poker face.” And that’s in the stage where an ordinary teenager has the most mood swings. I’ve actually only seen him cry once in my lifetime - other than this - and those were happy tears. These, however, were most definitely not happy tears.

“Are you okay Bends?” I asked him carefully. I didn’t want to make him more upset.

The other boy gulped and shook his head “no,” which confused me quite a bit. I thought that all of that past crap was over! Why is he crying now?

“Um… Bendy?” I grabbed his shoulder. “Why are you crying?”

Bendy shook his head again. “I can’t tell you,” he said in a sexy deep voice hoarsely, broken up by a voice crack at the end.

“You can tell me anything,” I laughed nervously. “I’m your best friend!”

“Not this.”

This dumbed me silent, making me mull over my own thoughts. Why couldn’t he tell me? Did he just not want to tell me? Was he threatened or something? What the hell happened to him? Do I even want to know?

We sat in silence for the rest of the bus ride, pondering over our own things. It was silent, even though the rest of the students were talking and shouting and throwing things all around us.

|-.-.-.-|Front Entrance|-.-.-.-|

A screech and a halt and bodies shoved against one another later, we were at school. I pretty much bounded off the bus to stare at the sign in wonder in the exact same spot as the dream. I waited patiently for Bendy to get off the bus so we can possibly compare schedules. Should we have done that on the bus? Oh well.

There he is. Wandering around, trying to find something or someone. He saw me and ran over, pulling back his hood to look at me. But... it wasn't like the daydream. In the dream he looked at me with... admiration? love? but here he just, you know, looked at me. His bad mood all gone, he seemed to be excited for the new school year as much as I was.

"Hey, can you tell me why you were cry-" I started.

"Don't talk about that," Bendy interrupted. "It's embarrassing. I don't want to be known as the 'loser who cries on the first day,' ya know?" He snorts and looks at the sign. "It's been 6 years since I've gotten an education, did you know that?"

"No!" I shouted. I was sure it was less than that. I mean, his observations and knowledge was way to advanced for someone who's last educational opportunity was when he was - I did the math on my fingers - 12? No way. I myself was 14 when I stopped going to school and I had a lot less knowledge of anything that he knew. Jesus.

"Yes," is Bendy's answer sarcastically. He smiles a bit, resembling a smirk. "Last time I had a lesson, I was 12 years old. Surprised at my intellect?"

"Yep," I answered happily. His intelligence was really advanced, to say the least. "So- uh, what's your homeroom?"

"Mrs. Ortensia."

"Me too!" I was relieved that my best and only friend was going to be in my homeroom. "Maybe we should head there."

"Maybe," he chuckled. A chuckle! Does he have bipolar or something? I mean, he was clearly crying earlier. You could see evidence of it then. He had tear marks on his face and his eyes were a bit puffy. But he's laughing and having a great time.

I need to look into this more.

|-.-.-.-|Homeroom|-.-.-.-|

"Hello, boys!" a sweet lilting voice says from inside of the room as we came in. "I'm Mrs. Ortensia. And you are... Bendy and Cuphead, correct?"

"Yes ma'am," I answered politely. "Except that you can call me Cups. Nice to meet you Mrs. Ortensia."

Mrs. Ortensia nods. She was actually very pretty, and one of those teachers that isn't afraid to bend the rules. White but with thick black hair flowing to her knees, pinned up by a white and purple flower barrette. Her eyes were brightened with purple contacts, and she had a green dress that was really short - up above her knees - with some purple jewelry. Some bright red lipstick and red shoes tied her outfit together in a bow.

Bendy nods towards her and heads towards her. He shows a paper to her. "Excuse me, Mrs. Ortensia? I have a paper for you." Bendy whips out a paper from a satchel that he carries around with him everywhere. "It's medical related."

Mrs. Ortensia took it and paled. "I-I understand," she stuttered. "Thank you for giving this to me. Take any seat."

Bendy smiled at me and sat at a seat in the front. I did the same, sitting next to him. "So, uh, is there anyone we need to worry about?" I asked Mrs. Ortensia. "Like, who could possibly kill us?"

Bendy rolled his eyes, like: dude, you tried to kill me before, but I wasn't having it. Mrs. Ortensia smiled. "Oh, we have Crystal, who is a psychopathic soul mage, but otherwise, there isn't anything to wo-"

As she said this, the door slammed open to reveal a tall girl with short, blood red hair and the strangest eyes. They were slitted, like a lizards', and were bright purple. She was wearing a green flannel shirt and crisp jeans - obviously worn to rebel against her parents, as she looked well-to-do and the well-to-do around here wanted their kids to dress up every day - and stared directly at us.

"Well then," she said in a slight British-American accent. "This year is going to be fun!" Her eyes flashed as she said "fun." She walked in with a slight clicking of high heels - did her parents make her dress like this after all? - and sat down next to me. I noticed her heels were green but, when she pushed a button, they retreated into flats.

"That's cool," I told her. She smiled. "Made it myself," the girl answered. "The name's Crystal. You're Cups, right? And that's Bendy?"

"How'd you know our names?" Bendy asked, suspicious about Crystal just like how he was always suspicious about me.

"Oh, I'm a soul mage, and I automatically scan souls whenever I meet someone," 'Crystal' answers, shrugging it off. "Sorry."

Bendy nods and pulls out an algebra textbook. I guessed he was in Algebra I or something. Crystal smiles. "You are in Algebra II as well? Sweet, me too!" She holds her hand up for a high five, which was when I noticed that her nails were kind of like claws.

Bendy reaches in front of me and high-fives her with his fingertips, due to him being too small to completely reach her, and settles back down to read. I wrinkle my nose. "I'm in Geometry I."

"It's okay! That's not the easiest class," Crystal reassures. "It's just the easiest Geometry one." She giggled at her pun. I groaned and Bendy rolled his eyes. "Wow," I laughed. "That was bad."

"I know!" she snickered. "It was so bad it's funny. You know, I already made friends with the Creepypasta people, probably because of my eyes, and I'm going to sit with them at lunch. Want to join?"

"Sure," I accepted. I was starting to like Crystal, despite Mrs. Ortensia's warning that she was psychopathic. Most of the Creepypasta dudes are psychopathic as well, but that didn't worry me. I could easily defend myself if I really wanted to they probably won't snap and attack me if we were friends.

Bendy rolled his eyes while he read. "What? You don't like that?" I asked him.

"No," he sighed. "It's just that I'm a bit worried hanging around psychopaths." The not-so-secret smile to himself told me he was just teasing me. I smiled too, enticing Crystal to stare at me behind my head. I could feel her eyes boring into me and I could practically hear her smile. "Oh, someone's jealous," she teases him, laughing.

"I'm not jealous, only worried," Bendy counteracts without looking up. He lifts his hand to adjust his hair over his ears, but was that a bit of blush on the tip of his ear that I saw? I dismissed it, thinking that he was acting pretty emotional recently and that's why he was blushing.

"About what?" Crystal teases as she sneaks behind Bendy. "That I and my group could pounce at any -" she puts her hands out in a jumpscaring position "- MOMENT?" As she said "moment" she pounced on him, causing him to shout in terror, drop his book, and jump 10 feet in the air.

Several people laugh. I twist my head, not realizing that they had come in. Several boys were in the back laughing at Crystal's antics. One was even wiping a tear from his eye. I glared at them and turned back around again. I wasn't mad at Crystal for doing that; it was actually quite funny. But what I don't like is fingerpointing at my best friend. But I had that daydream. Do I think of him as a friend

I sighed and looked at the door, watching a steady stream of students flow in. In walks Pete, the quarterback, who failed sophomore year for the third time. Seriously, I don't know why he's still on the team. Probably because he does well during football season and then it drops during the rest, according to Crystal, who is telling me and Bendy who is whom. In comes Flug, the local nerd, with his brown hair, large spectacles, and a nose stuck in a book called "Inheritance." According to Crystal, he got the recommendation from her.

And then comes the girl from the bus. Crystal frowns: she doesn't recognize her. She must be new, like we were. The girl looks around wildly and her eyes land on mine. She smiles at me. I know her, I know it!

She sits right next to Bendy shyly and looks at me. "Hey, cuz," she laughs. "You recognize me? It's been a while."

Oh, that's right! Cuppaccino! She was my cousin, before she went into Army Training, only at 16. The army called her a natural. She was on her way to become a general at 18 when she got shipped to a third-world country, where she got discharged for being "too young and inexperienced." Her and Maggie both are badass enough to beat up any of those guys, fists or otherwise.

"Hey, Chino," I said, using my pet name for her. She laughed at the nickname and glanced at Bendy shyly. "Who're you?"

"Bendy," Bendy answers.

Chino goes behind his back and mouths to me: "He's cute," which made me laugh. He was cute He wasn't cute, he was hot just cool. Bendy smiled, indicating that he knew what Chino mouthed. Always the flirt. Or was he just flattered? I don't know.

By now, the rest of the students had filed inside. Mrs. Ortensia made her introductions again and one of the boys in the back whistled at her short dress. She blushed a little and made a joke about her being old. Pete, the guy I assumed whistled, laughed. "I'm much older than you think," he said, and winked.

"She's 29 years old," Bendy shouts behind him. "How old are you? 5?"

This remark caused the entire class to laugh or catcall towards Pete. Poor Pete turned red and sunk into his seat, suddenly looking much smaller without his confidence. Crystal banged her hand (claws?) on her desk laughing, causing the desk to shake. How strong was she? I didn't think I wanted to know.

Mrs. Ortensia suppressed her own giggles and sighed, waiting for the class to calm down. She gave them a stern look which quieted them immediately. You did not want to mess with Mrs. Ortensia. "Wait until the bell rings and you go out of the hall to make fun of him," she says calmly. "I do not want it in my classroom."

"Yes, Mrs. Ortensia," we all grumbled, except for Bendy and Crystal. Bendy was absorbed in his algebra textbook and Crystal was staring up at the teacher with respect. Crystal nodded at the teacher and Mrs. Ortensia nodded back. What was going on?

Suddenly, the bell rang a shrill, demanding sound. The class all stood up in one unanimous, fluid motion. Mrs. Ortensia smiled and everyone was out of there, except for me, Bendy, and Crystal.

"What class do you have first?" Crystal asked Bendy.

"Dark Arts, me being a demon and all," is the answer. Crystal smiled. Obviously she had the same class. "I know who's teaching it," she says. "He's not the best guy in the world, but I suspect that he's from a different dimension - the guy from this one is completely consumed by evil - so this'll be fun!"

Bendy smiled at her and something like a knife stabbing me in the heart overwhelmed me. Crystal gave me a funny look and I sighed, shoving the feeling in the back of my mind. Crystal looked at me for a moment and rolled her eyes, muttering: "I must be hallucinating" which suddenly made me very nervous. Was that feeling in my soul too?

I also pushed that question back and laughed. "Well, I guess I'm not going with you two. I've got Science 1." I strode to the door acting like my heart somehow wasn't being torn apart - why was it doing that? - and shoved it open. "See you at lunch, or in morning classes!"

I walked away, the door swinging shut behind me with a bang.

|-.-.-.-|Lunch|-.-.-.-|

Goddamn, the lunchroom - I mean the cafeterium, as the principal called it - was packed, noisy, and ready to go. Actually, the students in there were freshmen. I had just gotten there early so I could look for Bendy, Crystal, and her Creepypasta friends. I knew some characters of Creepypasta, but I didn't know where they came from... or what some of them looked like.

There! That boy with the white hoodie, no eyelids, and the creepy smile complete with two bisected cheeks! Wasn't his name Jason or Jack or something? Something "the Killer." He was accompanied by a girl that I didn't know in a tattered school uniform and long ratty black hair covering her eyes. Must be in the way a lot. Then they kissed, even though there was a "no kissing on campus" rule, and I realized that they were dating. No wonder; they were obviously two creepypastas, and who else would date them but each other?

I approached them as soon as they were done making out and the cafeterium was emptied of students. None of the teachers have noticed them kissing; they had all either turned their backs or weren't looking in the first place. Huh. Most likely scared. The one guy was Jack/Jason the Killer, after all.

"Hi, I'm Cups... Crystal said that she made friends with you?" I decided to come all out and I could always defend myself if needed.

Jack/Jason nodded. "Yep. I'm Jeff -" That was the name! "- the Killer and this is my girlfriend Lulu. She... she's blind." His voice was kind of rough and then I noticed that his skin was pure white, like it was scrubbed clean of color.

Lulu nodded sadly and lifted her bangs, revealing two eye cavities where her eyeballs once were. That explained why her eyes were covered. She didn't want anyone seeing before they approached her. "Hello," she said. Her voice was soft and triggered my ASMR. I felt bad for her. "Should we sit down?" she asked both of us. "Preferably a table near the entrance." It took me a second to realize that she was joking and I chuckled a bit. Jeff chose a table near the entrance anyway.

"So," he said. "Your name's Cups, huh? Cuphead fandom, right?"

I confirmed it and Lulu smiled. "Are you human or cup?" she asked me. When I answered "human," she politely asked if she could touch my face to get a mental image of me. I gladly agreed - anything to help a potential friend out - and she reached across the table that we were sitting across from each other from and poked my face in various places lightly. She fluffed the hair on my head and felt the piercings in my ear as well as my small mustache (only peach fuzz, no need to get all worked up about it). She finally retreated back. "I'm done," she mumbled quietly. "Thank you."

"It's fine!" I laughed. "And hey, if you want me to, I can tell you the colors, assuming that you know them."

"Yes, I do," Lulu giggled. "I wasn't blind before the accident. But that'll be fine."

I proceeded to tell her the color of my hair and beard: both strawberry blonde, though the beard is a little darker, as well as my eyes - brown - and my skin, which is white. Then Jeff made a joke about white skin and we all laughed, not noticing that Crystal had approached the table.

"Hi," she said, startling me. "You like them?"

"Yep," I answered.

"Well, good, because Jeff is the most hostile out of all of them. Ticci Toby is ADHD-ic and fidgety and Sally looks 5 and acts more adult than most guys in the school. You'll be fine."

"Really? Why does she look five?"

"Her uncle raped and then shot her in the head, killing her," Crystal said matter-of-factly. "I couldn't feel her soul, that's how I know she died. Toby told me the rest."

"...oh. That's sad."

"Tell us about it," Jeff growls. "All of our stories are sad, except for Toby's. I don't know his, but both Lulu and I ended up like this because of bullying. End of story."

I stayed quiet, thinking about what the bullies did. Did they take Lulu's eyes out? Did they make Jeff's skin white and take his eyelids off, or bisected his cheeks? I crossed off the second one mentally. I remember Jeff's story a little bit and I remembered that he had burned his own eyelids off.

Bendy slid into a seat next to me. He had a huge smile plastered on his face. "What's up?" I asked him.

"The ceiling," he answered. No sign of his crying spiel earlier. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Interesting. His sarcasm isn't new, though.

"Hardy har har," I fake-laughed. "But seriously, why are you smiling?"

"I love school," he answered. "My teachers are awesome and my subjects aren't that hard! What's your special class order?" This enthusiasm almost seemed... fake. The smile plastered on his face just was acted and Bendy was never this optimistic. Strange.

Special classes are literally what they sound like. There are around 30 of them and you get to pick 5 to do: one for each business day of the week. I had chosen Music III, Art II, Gym III, Archery and Hunting, and Study Hall. Study Hall was chosen only because I wasn't interested in any other subjects: ME III was the only music course that included rapping, which was the only thing I could do involving music. All instruments break in my hands and I'm off-key singing every time I try. Art II was the highest art class I could get, Gym III was the highest, Archery and Hunting was interesting, and all of the other subjects were either Home Ec. related or something I disliked immensely.

"Music III, Art II, Gym III, Archery and Hunting, Study Hall," I answered.

Bendy wrinkled his nose. "I'm in Music III, Art II and Gym III," he said, surprising me with the last one. "I want to get into obstacling," he confessed. That made sense. Obstacling - a sport that was invented in California and quickly spread as a fad that involved hard obstacle courses and a lot of agility and strength - was a really hard sport so he'd need to work really hard, so the hardest gym class it is.

"- and then," he continued. "I'm going to be in S.T.E.M. I and Basic Home Ec.," he counted off.

"Home Ec.?" I nearly shouted. By now, I noticed, most sophomores have filed inside of the cafeteria. No sign of so-called Sally or Toby, though.

2 minutes later, after everyone - except for Sally and Toby, it seemed - the principal stepped up to a mic in the front of the cafeterium. He cleared his throat with a loud "EH HEM!" which got everyone's attention in the cafeteria. A young girl with red stuff running down her face and short brown hair with long bangs stands with a boy in a black hoodie, black hair, and a strange black and white mask on his face. He had goggles on too, resembling an airline pilot.

"Is that Toby and Sally?" I whispered to Jeff. Jeff nodded back, confirming it. What are they doing up there?

"Hello, students, " the principal says. "I am Dr. Felix, your assistant principal and wannabe author. I did not write that terrible, formal letter to you, don't worry," he said, making everyone laugh. He had black hair too, gelled back, with gray stripes. He also wore a formal but worn out suit with a blue patterned tie and white gloves. Strange combination. "I would have written something much better!" More laughter. Dr. Felix had successfully eased the tension out of the room. "Joking aside," he sighs. "Welcome to your Riverside High sophomore year. Yet another year of school. Tiring, I know, but you have to do it! I went through high school just fine, and look at me! Though, I wouldn't want to have to repeat it." He looked right at Pete as he said that, enticing even more laughter spread across the room. Pete laughed with the rest, obviously having gotten this type of ribbing before. "So my job is to make it as fun as it can, but hard enough to make you a) try your hardest and not be lazy and b) not want to repeat sophomore year three times." Also directed at Pete, making everyone laugh. Pete's booming chuckles resonated across the entire cafeteria.

"This is quite hard, you see," Dr. Felix continued. "Finding the happy medium. But hopefully, you have found your school day so far exciting and I do hope that you enjoy the rest of your day. That's all I'm required to say, and I'm not much of a talker, so my little speech is finished." He took a mock bow, turned the mic off, and returned it to its original spot. He talked with Sally and Toby for a minute before sending them off to their seats. They spotted us immediately and sat down.

"Hi!" Sally said in a little kid's voice. "I'm Sally."

"I'm Cups, and this is Bendy," I introduced. "Nice to meet you. You're Toby, right? Jeff told me a little about you."

"N-nice," Toby jittered. "B-but yeah, I am." Bendy grumbled a little under him about how he can introduce himself thank you.

"Oh, Bends, can I talk to you for a sec?" Crystal asked Bendy. "It's about... you know..."

"Oh!" Bendy shouted. "Yeah. Let's go in the hallway."

I stared after them as they walked into the hallway and disappeared around a corner. I felt a stab in my heart and missed Bendy immediately. I mentally slapped myself. Why was this happening?

Why am I feeling this?

**END TRANSMISSION FOR CUPS' PART FOR CHAPTER 1.1**

--Bendy--

Note: This occurs after Bendy climbs off the evening bus and enters his home. I broke the chapter up in two for a good reason, but I wanted someone to review this part. Thanks for your cooperation.

Open the door.

Walk inside.

See the room that looks

just like

his. Memories,

bubbling on the surface.

NO

nononononono

I don't

I can't

I don't want to

But I

remember.

I can

feel

myself

falling,

falling,

falling

through the memories,

d

r

o

w

n

i

n

g.

**END TRANSMISSION FOR BENDY'S PART FOR CHAPTER 1**


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Points: 126
Reviews: 2

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Sat Nov 04, 2017 11:56 pm
DawnLight31 says...



hey tord so yeah

your fanfic is really good but I think that puting the authors notes at the in the end would make it flow beater.




zaminami says...


Thanks :D

beater haha



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Reviews: 624

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Tue Sep 19, 2017 3:53 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, DemonGoddess. Gooseluck here to do a review for you, so let's take flight shall we?

The first thing I have to say on this is I don't think you needed to have included all the author's notes, it kinda takes away from the piece itself. Anyway, onward.

Another thing I could say about this is its length, which seems to be too long and makes it feel like it's droning on forever. I would suggest cutting it before the part that says front entrance, but that's just me. It's up to you.

The next thing is characters. This is a first chapter, but I do feel like I don't know enough about the characters to keep going. They're sort of just there, not really much life to them despite the actions going on around them. No emotion, really, and there's several ways to help this. Just describe their actions with typical or special descriptors that show their emotions, spice up their dialogue, and spice up the way you describe the dialogue.

What I mean by this last one is simple. Instead of strictly saying the character asked or said something, describe their movement, what they do, and how that translates into emotion.

I don't think that would harm you in the slightest.

Anyway, overall I think that you have an interesting chapter that could just use some character help and some minor editing, but it's up to you and this could just be me.

i think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, GooseLuck




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Thu Aug 03, 2017 10:11 am
Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there DemonGoddess! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review as requested. With that being said, let's delve right into the content.

There is one word that can provide light to darkness. Opportunities to hopelessness. Abilities to worthlessness. A light in the tunnel. A blanket of security. One word that could lead me to a life not completely consumed by fighting and killing and blood.

School.


Well that's unexpected. I'd say that the opening paragraph is a little too cliche if it weren't for the twist that happens directly afterwards. Nice job on hitting the reader with a start that's not as traditional as the audience first believes.

I have to warn you first before I go any further that aesthetically, this isn't my style. Now that's out of the way, I can say that I'm not a large fan of when there are sentences crossed out or ellipses (I'm fine with these when they're not overdone) or time skips that tell the place (I saw this happen later on in the chapter). Oh! And when -this happens- as well. Doesn't feel right to add all of those aspects in when the structure is already wobbly.

Putting that aside, I can say that this is hit or miss. Sometimes in the chapter the point or theme is gotten across and an aspect is well executed. On the other hand, the writing can feel a bit sloppy at times. For example, let's take just the second and third paragraphs to see what I mean. In the second paragraph, I enjoy how the main character doesn't care for the school that they're going to--they just want to go to school. That tells a lot about their character. In contrast and in the third paragraph, we get an info-dump even though they'd 'rather not talk about it'. Giving that information later on instead of shoving that into the opening might be a better idea. Generally, there are info-dumps here and there throughout the chapter. This might be in backstory or in description. Below is an example of where this happens and while the narrator may be daydreaming a bit, it feels forced.

I actually quite liked the way he looked when he smiled. All of his teeth were perfectly white and his tan face complimented his strange reddish-black eyes perfectly. His black hair, spiked up on top of his head like demonic horns, created a strange effect on his face like it was glowing. God, he’s so beautiful handsome amazing. The upturned corners of his mouth revealed his sharp teeth, a sight I’ve only seen once before.


Eh, I can't say this isn't interesting. Not sure if I'd read this out of my own pleasure because I'm not apart of these fandoms. I'm a little biased because I don't favor fanfiction (I haven't wanted more than the content put out by the author or original creator in any particular media that I've enjoyed and consumed) but that shouldn't stop you from writing this! Of course, I'm glad that for the most part, the reader doesn't need to have read the fanfiction to understand what's going on.

There's a lot of potential here. If I have to pick out a main flaw in the writing, it's the aesthetic/use of punctuation as well as the voice. I say the voice because the first person perspective isn't quite used to full potential. There's the part from Bendy's perspective that I found to have a nice concept but an execution that isn't as strong. People who have read/know the source material better probably have a better understanding/appreciation for the characters. Not to say that the rest of the audience are a bunch of headless horses, we just don't reach that spiritual enlightenment others might.

I assume that this is for fun since it's a fanfic. And if it is fun, I suppose you're reaching your goal! The writing quality isn't the best and there are improvements that can be made, but that should be the main goal here--to enjoy what you're writing. Characters seem to be near the top of your priority list out of the different elements in prose, which is fine with me. The plot isn't...the best? Your favorite characters are interacting and all thrown into a place together--that's pretty much the goal. Overall, is this fun? Yes. Is this the most Quality Piece of Writing in Existence? Nah, I don't think so. Doesn't need to be anyway. I currently don't know if I'll keep reading (I guess only time will tell for that).

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope this helps, DemonGoddess! Have a nice day.




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:01 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, DemonGoddess! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

I'll kick my review off by saying that I've loved what I've read so far and am excited for whatever will come next. Instead of having the characters go to a normal school, you chose for them to go to one where dark arts is a possible class and it's normal to see several creepypasta at lunch. When I finished reading it, I thought that the school would need more of an explanation, but, thinking it over now, I believe that the things that you've mentioned so far have done a good enough job at explaining that.

When it comes to grammar, I didn't have many issues with your work. The two major ones that come to mind are the crossing out of words and how you used dashes. When it comes to dashes, there should be a space before and after them. I used to have trouble with dashes for the longest time, so I can understand how confusing they can be. Though there isn't anything wrong, per say, with how you crossed out words, they broke the flow of the chapter. I would suggest changing those either into Cups' thoughts or excluding them all together.

Though you did do a great job at describing the characters and their actions, you didn't include much about the setting besides saying that it was a school. If you don't want to add those descriptions into this chapter, I suggest adding them into future parts of your fanfiction.

Your characters definitely are interesting! I saw in your response to the other review on this work that you chose to use poetry for Bendy's part of the chapter, and I think that's a great way to define a character. It was a cool way to contrast Cups and Bendy, and showed that while Cups seems to have mostly everything under control, Bendy is a mess underneath the surface.

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

Image




zaminami says...


Thanks for the review! It really helped.

I never even knew about the dashes thing. I'll keep that in mind for the future, so thanks for pointing that out.

Your review wasn't harsh and I think that I'll fix most of the things you said. :) would you like me to tag you for Chapter 1.2?

Oh, and if you remember, I asked you if you could possibly do edits for my story... this is the one. Your edits are so awesome, so thanks :D

--DemonGoddess.

Give me your soul or any soul, I don't care.



Mageheart says...


You're welcome! I would love if you tagged me when you posted future chapters. Also, would it be alright if I held off on the edits for now? I needed to get a better feel for the characters, and I think that will take a couple more chapters.



zaminami says...


Its okay! I sure will tag you :)



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Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:00 am
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Alright, it took me awhile, but I've finally finished reading it. And honestly, this as pretty good! There were flaws, yes, but overall you had great pacing, pretty good descriptions, not too many info-dumps(there were a couple moments when you could've left some stuff out though), and there's a wide variety of characters with very different traits. I tend to use my reviews more to point out the problems, however, so I'll tell you what I disliked/found wrong.

I found some of the lines that were crossed out to be unnecessary. Like, some of them would be fine if taken out completely, some of them would work better not crossed out at all, and some would work better if they were changed some. Some of the ones that I think could/should be taken out are some of the ones showing Cups' infatuation with Bendy. I think it's pretty obvious anyway, so it's not really necessary for these crossed out words/phrases to be there. I think all of the crossed out parts in the "Front Entrance" section don't need to be.

Another thing is I don't think you need the emboldened titles like "Front Entrance," "Homeroom," "Lunch," etc. You could just put a space or stars between paragraphs to show that there's a time jump.

The ending of Cups' POV was VERY abrupt. Even doing a small change like this would help it, as right now it's way too abrupt:

I stared after them as they walked into the hallway and disappeared around a corner. I felt a stab in my heart and missed Bendy immediately, then mentally slapped myself for it. Why was this happening?

That's when the realization hit me, and I felt dumb for not recognizing it sooner.

*I'm in love with him.*

That's not necessarily *good,* per se, but at the least it's not as abrupt as it was in the story. No offense or anything, it just came out of nowhere for me.

I found Bendy's section very odd. To be honest, I didn't really like it. I didn't feel like the formatting was necessary, and just the way it was written didn't appeal to me. It's just too different from Cups' POV. So, my advice here is to keep the style the same as Cups was, just adjusted to Bendy's POV, but still keep it as cryptic as you like.

A couple other things you did was have more than one person speak in the same paragraph, and you had quite a few unnecessary speaker tags. Like, speaker tags should only be used when it's unclear who's speaking, in my opinion, and there were many times in the story that it was used when it was already clear who was speaking. And I don't think there should ever be two people speaking in the same paragraph, as that is two different actions entitling two different paragraphs.

These were pretty much the main things I wanted to point out. There were a lot of small moments that could be written better, but I won't go through and point all of those out to you unless you want me to, cause that's something you'd probably find and change in an edit. Overall I thought this was really good though, I'm just pointing out the flaws. Hope I didn't come across too harsh and that this helped.

If you want me to go into more detail about something or have some questions, just want to talk, want me to edit or review something else, or whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. :)




zaminami says...


Hi! Thanks for the review!

I'm going to keep Bendy's part as a poem: it was intended to be that way and I think that the poem style is more appropriate for him than anything else.

For the "I'm in love with him part" I am going to add something there. I kinda rushed there to make review day so I will add it. There is a second part to Cups' PoV so there will be more explanation and stuff.

No, it did not come out as too harsh. Honestly, this is my review strength as well. :) you can point out the small stuff. I don't mind :)




"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov