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Young Writers Society



Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 4.2

by ExOmelas


The little room they had to wait in was one of the worst parts. It was dark, much darker than Mr Pondek’s office, with only a single bulb blinking above his head. Steve sighed and rolled his eyes at Linea, who was to be his opponent today. Linea was a stick insect and, even for a member of a species that was supposed to be adept at camouflage, she was excellent at fitting into situations. She could even find a positive in this stupid game they were being forced through.

She was fidgeting with some veneer that was peeling off the table and shook her head at him.

“Every time, Steve?” she said, “You know they’re only testing us. It’s not even a bad way to do it. At least we get to visit places. You shouldn’t knock the league so much.”

“Whatever,” Steve muttered, pacing around the table’s surface. “I just think they’d be as well testing us on something that might actually be useful to the ship, not assembling a fireworks toaster!”

Linea looked up and frowned. “What’s a fireworks toaster?”

Steve shuddered. “It … wasn’t.”

There was a crash from off to Steve’s left. He’d gasped the first few times it had happened, but these days he just sighed and waited for Mr Pondek to get bored of making a dramatic entrance. The crash was the door slamming into the wall as it flew open; it always was. Linea’s eyes widened a little but she was around Mr Pondek pretty often so she was probably used to this nonsense.

“Morning, Mr Pondek,” she called.

“Good morning, my dear,” he said as he hopped over to them, a style of movement which Steve thought rather diffused the tension of the slamming door.

“Where’s Miss Eljen?” Linea asked. She had continued to watch the door for the moments after Mr Pondek’s entrance, but her boss had failed to follow Steve’s.

“Oh, she’ll be along in a minute with your directions, Linny, don’t worry.” Mr Pondek smiled.

“It’s Linea.” Linea rolled her eyes but barely even raised her voice. It was a waste of breath. Steve tried to catch her eye but she was gazing somewhere into the distance just behind Mr Pondek, as if trying to see through him and pretend he wasn’t there.

“Why are you here early then, sir?” Steve asked. He was unsure whether blowing over the incident made it worse, but Linea really didn’t look in the mood to confront Mr Pondek’s patronising attitude. He’d seen her defiant, and staring into the distance definitely was not it.

“Miss Eljen has kindly agreed to give you a head start,” he explained, “She’s so confident I’ve gone too far in my ambitions for you that she’s certain you’ll fail no matter how much time you’re given. Don’t fret though. I know you won’t fail me, Stephen.”

“It’s Steve …” Steve muttered. He caught Linea’s eye and she smirked. He raised his voice and said, “Then why have you agreed to give me the head start? You know she’ll only gloat and say she let you win.”

Mr Pondek grinned. “Because, young man, I have a feeling you are actually going to need the time. This is far and away the hardest task I have ever set for you.”

Steve gulped. “How much extra time have I been given – or, I guess, how much do you think I need to stand a chance?”

Mr Pondek pursed his lips. “That’s two questions, I’m afraid. You have been given an hour, but I think you probably need three.”

Mr Pondek had been right, so very very right. Steve was gripping his map tight in the middle of Diog town square, on the planet of Seriot. He’d been to Seriot a few times – its climate differed so dramatically from one end to the other that not a single JCST crew member was unable to access it – but this town had been a tiny little hamlet the last time he’d been here. Even then he’d just been passing through. He thought he’d bought some apple juice at a little stall, but that had been it.

Now there were Jikas, the planet’s dominant species, roaming around everywhere. They were crying out offers and bargains, while simultaneously trying to dodge the advances of their fellow vendors doing the same to them. None of them would help him unless he bought something, and his funds were earmarked for … actually he had no clue what. He never did, that was the whole point. No words, just directions. Follow them exactly and not try to guess what was being constructed.

His directions were absurd. The locations listed for the parts he needed were dotted all over this rapidly expanding city and Steve knew Mr Pondek was right – he would need three hours.

“What does it matter, anyway?” he muttered, as if Mr Pondek was standing right next to him, although of course he’d never have said such a thing if he knew Mr Pondek was even in the same building.

He still didn’t agree with Linea. He still thought this was pointless. He wasn’t doing it for Mr Pondek, or even to beat Linea and Miss Eljen – Linea was his friend and Miss Eljen … well, she had some strong views he didn’t want to know much about, but she also rarely offered them. He wasn’t even doing this for fear of being kicked out of his apprenticeship. Mr Pondek knew another one of the engineers would snap him up in a heartbeat. He was doing this because, despite everything he wanted to believe about himself and about his dreams of making sure the world was a place everyone could enjoy … he hated losing.

His next destination was somewhere in the north west of the city. He was currently in the north east. So it was the city’s tangent he had to cover, not its hypotenuse. Still, the little village had grown up so fast that the journey was going to take him at least half an hour, and then that would be his head start eaten all up. He groaned as a bottle top rolled past him down the hill he was about to ascend. This was hopeless.

No it wasn’t. Idiot. He lunged to his left and grabbed the bottle top, attracting bemused gazes from the vendors who seemed to be wondering what on Seriot he could be wanting with such junk. That would never sell. But Steve didn’t need to sell. In fact, he needed to buy. There was always spare money in the budget in case a planet’s inflation had bumped up the expected prices, or they were just more expensive than estimated. It had even been used as bail once. Steve was sure Mr Pondek wouldn’t mind if he used it to build himself a set of rollerskates.

“Excuse me,” he called to the nearest vendor, “Do you have any spare bottle tops and some batteries for my shrink ray?”

“Er …” The vendor, a young Jika male with narrow shoulders and three wide fully green eyes, glanced at the neighbouring stalls to either side of him. “Sure … ? You’re willing to pay of course?”

“Of course!” Steve almost growled. He glared at the vendor who had dared to accuse him of the most mortal sin you could be guilty of on Seriot – expecting something for free.

The vendor grinned, a grin far less menacing than Mr Pondek’s. That reminded Steve of another reason he put up with this nonsense. It was wonderful to be out of the office for a while.


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Sat Jul 08, 2017 4:42 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Specifics

1.

Mr Pondek pursed his lips. “That’s two questions, I’m afraid. You have been given an hour, but I think you probably need three.”
Nobody has disputed the number of questions and there isn't a set number people are generally supposed to ask so Mr Pondek's comment seems odd here. I realise he's an odd character so you can probably get away with it but I thought I'd point it out.

2. I thought the thermostat technology adapted the animals' temperatures so they can all go anywhere? The comment that any of the crew can access it because the climate varies so much doesn't make sense with that in mind.

3.
“Excuse me,” he called to the nearest vendor, “Do you have any spare bottle tops and some batteries for my shrink ray?”
He should ask for a certain type of batteries rather than say what they are for - this feels very obviously like you're trying to feed information to the reader and it doesn't actually give the store owner the information he needs. I'm sure different shrink rays take different batteries.

Overall

There's not much to say on this part - a smooth chapter and very easy flowing. I'm not sure how the game really ties in to the main plot line but it's interesting and fluid enough that I don't mind too much if it doesn't.

I did have one issue - Steve picks up a bottle top which should surely be too big and heavy for him to just grab it. I don't think woodlice are particularly strong, unlike ants, so I think you may need to have him use the shrink gun you mention a bit later before he picks it up. I assume he has to shrink it anyway to make the roller skates!

See you at the next part!

~Heather




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Tue May 23, 2017 8:01 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Damn, I was beaten to the first review!

Anyhooo...

'I just think they’d be as well testing us on something that might actually be useful to the ship,' - this doesn't read right. It's the 'they'd be as well'. I'm not sure what its supposed to be. 'They'd be better off testing us on..?' or 'They'd might as well be testing us on...' I'm not sure...

'Linea looked up and frowned. “What’s a fireworks toaster?”// Steve shuddered. “It … wasn’t.”' - I don't understand this interaction. Some context would be helpful.

'he said as he hopped over to them' - in the previous chapter Mr. Pondek was characterised as walking like a duck and the way it was enforced made me think it was important. Maybe add in here that his demeanour was a lot different to how Steve had last seen him? It just seems odd that you specifically pointed out that he did not walk like a cricket and now he is.

Its funny that Mr. Pondek called Linea by a nickname which she didn't like to then call Steve by his full name, which he also didn't like. Its as if he's trying to get a rise out of them on purpose.

'This is far and away the hardest task I have ever set for you.”' - Is this an expression I am just not familiar with? 'Far and away the hardest task' doesn't make sense to me...

'He groaned as a bottle top rolled past him down the hill he was about to ascend.' - I like this. When I was reading, I was just about to ask how big the Jikas were in comparison to Steve but here you have partially answered the question. But now I'm thinking I just assumed the bottle top was bigger than him because he mentioned it rolling passed, but perhaps that detail is needed. If it is in fact bigger, or maybe the Jikas are the same size as him and the bottle top is to him as it would be to us... I'm rambling now!

'No it wasn’t. Idiot. He lunged to his left and grabbed the bottle top' - okay, now I'm going back on what I just said and assuming the bottle top is smaller than him. Or maybe it is bigger, insects can carry a lot of weight. Ah, I'm confused. I think this needs a bit more information.

Now I've finished! I guess I still can't get my head around him being a woodlouse, haha. Although I did like the imagery at the start about him pacing around a table. Steve is definitely the strongest character you have written in this story so far in my opinion. Great work :D




ExOmelas says...


The bit about the duck-walking and hopping: whoops, that's what I get for writing a chapter of a story two months after the previous one xD (august and october of last year respectively)

Will clear up the bit about the bottle top. Was hoping Steve asking for a shrink ray would help (as in to shrink the bottle top to his size), but can specify further.

Thanks for the review :)



ExOmelas says...


Oh btw, alright to wait for Review Day for me to start on your The Progeny reviews?





Yeah sure that's fine %uD83D%uDE0A Do you want to send the coins to me then too?



ExOmelas says...


Oh actually I can do that coins just now :)



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Tue May 23, 2017 4:30 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Thanks for messaging me!

It was dark, much darker than Mr Pondek’s office, with only a single bulb blinking above his head.
I hope you don't mind me getting into the nitpicks, but I reckon it would be more impactful if you made 'it was dark' a sentence in itself.

“Every time, Steve?” she said, “You know they’re only testing us. It’s not even a bad way to do it. At least we get to visit places. You shouldn’t knock the league so much.”
Something I noticed about these two characters (taking into account your previous post, 4.1) is that both Steve and Linea seem to be optimists. Except Steve wants to expand his horizons, he constantly wants to go further and be making an impact on the world. So this sort of 'standstill' frustrates him. Linea, on the other hand, sort of goes along with whatever happens and doesn't really have any goals, so she's able to make the best of what's happening at the moment. That's just my interpretation of the two. :D

Mr Pondek had been right, so very very right. Steve was gripping his map tight in the middle of Diog town square, on the planet of Seriot. He’d been to Seriot a few times – its climate differed so dramatically from one end to the other that not a single JCST crew member was unable to access it...
You did a great job at transitioning from the ship to Steve's assignment. You're right that it wasn't necessary to go into depth about how he got there, and I didn't have any trouble settling into the new scene. My only suggestion is to let the first sentence of those I've highlighted have its own paragraph. It would just add that little extra break between the two scenes. Great job though.

And that's all I have to say! Keep it coming. It's awesome to see so many subplots- that's something I really struggle with. Hence why I stick to short stories. XD




ExOmelas says...


Thanks for the review, Drac :D



Dracula says...


You're welcome!




“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu