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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Thørn 18 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


Alsari and I walked down the hall in silence. Quint had directed us to rooms where he said we could stay until we had reached a decision regarding joining the Academy.

“What do you think of the Eternian Academy?” I asked.

“I don’t trust them for a second,” Alsari replied.

“No?”

“There are lots of things that they do that are questionable, like kidnapping,” she said. “But that’s not it. If they’re telling the truth about being on all of the worlds, why are they so secretive? They keep too many secrets to just want to help.”

There was another stretch of silence before I broke it again. “Where are you from?” I asked. This was the question I’d been wanting to ask Alsari since I met her.

“What do you mean?” she said, although I couldn’t see how the question would confuse her.

“You’re a Flicker, and, no offense, but it’s pretty clear you’re not from Archora,” I said, looking at her too-pale skin and white hair. “So, where are you from?”

Alsari’s expression became bitter, and her eyes seemed to drill holes in the floor. “It doesn’t matter,” she said without looking up.

I should have left it at that, but I couldn’t. I was thrilled to find out what life on another world was like. “You must be from somewhere,” I pressed. “What’s it like?”

“No where,” Alsari insisted.

“But-”

“Just drop it,” Alsari spat.

I couldn’t help myself. The Stoneshaper was being too secretive, and I’d never been good at staying away from secrets. I extended my consciousness toward Alsari’s and found only pain. At the forefront of her mind was a memory too strong and full of pain to ignore.

The world was on fire. Blue flames towered to impossible heights, blotting out even the mountains.

People with white hair raced across the plains, fleeing from the fire. This had once been an ordered retreat. Now it was a panicked sprint.

“Go!” Alsari urged them. “Don’t wait for me!”

She tried to think of a way to delay the fire, even for a minute, but there was nothing. Nothing stopped the flames. They consumed water, stone, everything with equal ease.

It was too close. The fire must have been at least one thousand feet away, but Alsari could feel it searing her cheeks. Just feet away, dry grass combusted even over this distance. Alsari was forced to run, or her clothes would follow.

Alsari’s heart skipped a beat when she looked at her people. The flames had been advancing much faster than Alsari had predicted, and she as well as the rest of her village were standing in a circle of unburnt land, an island in a sea of fire.

“No…” she breathed, but it was too late. The fire surged forward, and every one of the villagers were consumed by the fire in an instant. No trace remained that they had ever been. They were just like the rest of Karadan, nothing more than cinders drifting in the wind.

It was odd how little emotion Alsari felt. Everyone she knew was gone. Her friends, here enemies, her family, her world. Nothing had been spared. Yet she felt...nothing. It must not have sunk in yet, but right now, Alsari had to save herself. For a moment, she considered letting go. Not running, just standing and letting the flames wash over her. She would be at peace at last.

No, she thought. No. There will be a time for death, but now isn’t it.

There was no choice. The beginnings of tears began to blur Alsari’s vision as she Flickered off the world. Her last glimpse of Karadan was a sea of steel blue flames and the cracks they created. These weren’t mere cracks in the stone, they were fractures in the universe. Karadan was breaking apart. An instant after she left her world, Alsari felt it vanish from the Myriad. An entire universe had been destroyed.

Alsari took her first breath of air on Archora.

I opened my eyes. I was in a passage of the Academy on Archora. I’d never felt a memory as vivid and riddled with pain as Alsari’s.

Alsari’s gaze pierced me like a dagger. There was no pretense of fury or accusation, just grim resignation. “What did you see?” I realized that for the first time, I was seeing the real Alsari. Her anger and frustration stemmed from the loss of her world, but they were just tools to prevent misery from setting in. Underneath Alsari’s mask of defiance, she felt sad and alone.

At first, I couldn’t put my feelings into words. I wanted to express my sorrow at what had happened. I had felt Alsari’s memory as if it were my own, and while I experienced a fraction of her grief, it was the greatest sorrow I had ever felt. I couldn’t even imagine what Alsari felt.

“I watched your world burn,” I said when I found my voice.”

Alsari’s nod was stiff, a tiny jerk of her head.

“What happened to it?” I wondered aloud. “What was that fire?”

“It’s called ghostfire.” Alsari’s voice was hoarse, brittle. “It hasn’t been seen in the Myriad for centuries. It destroys worlds. Nothing stops it. Water, rock, that just fuels it. It tears at the fabric of universes, it can’t be contained by anything. When Karadan… When Karadan fell, it took the ghostfire with it. It can’t cross into other universes.”

“Does the Eternian Academy know…”

“That I was born on a world that died?” Alsari’s tone had shifted, she was harsh and bitter. “I don’t know. They haven’t said anything, but they know more about me than I like.”

“I’m sorry,” I offered. “For what-”

“Thørn?” Alsari cut me off.

“Yes?”

“Do me a favor and don’t bring this up again.”


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Sun Jul 23, 2017 10:58 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Ascension: Thørn 18 (The Myriad book 1)
by Feltrix

Specifics

1. Are the rooms they are being led to still in this underground part where the prisoners are being kept or have they been allowed up into the main part of the Academy? This is a pretty important setting detail as it’s the difference between them being treated as guests or prisoners. Of course, Alsari’s powers are still blocked so she’d still be a prisoner of sorts but we would see that Thorn is at least still being treated reasonably and that this is a proper precaution against her. Whereas if they’re kept in the prison section, the reader is less likely to trust the Academy.

2.

It was odd how little emotion Alsari felt. Everyone she knew was gone. Her friends, here her enemies, her family, her world.


3.
Alsari’s gaze pierced me like a dagger. There was no color=red]pretense pretence[/color] of fury or accusation, just grim resignation.
This reads awkwardly – Alsari wouldn’t need to pretend fury. I imagine she’d feel genuinely angry at such an invasion of privacy. I certainly would. So the word pretence is misused here.

4.
“I watched your world burn,” I said when I found my voice.”
There’s an extra speech mark at the end of this line which you don’t need.

Overall

This is a short chapter but it gives us a good insight into Alsari’s background and her emotional state. It also shows us that Thorn is a sympathetic person, though I wonder if he regrets prying into her memories? Or is he glad to have found out more about Alsari and to see the softer side of her? I think this would be a good detail for us to understand.

That’s all I have for this one. See you at the next chapter!

~Heather




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Mon May 08, 2017 12:59 am
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Dest wrote a review...



Okay, first things first. I really like unique names so Alsari and Quint sound so cool! I am jumping in midstory, but Etherian Academy sounds shifty.

Alsari’s expression became bitter

What does a bitter expression look like? Like narrowed eyes and a frown?

Blue flames towered to impossible heights, blotting out even the mountains.

Ooh, I like this line especially the "blotting out."

I liked this a lot! I think adding a bit more detail might be a great addition like with the character's expressions and voices... For example, when Alsari insisted did she wave her hands or ball them into fists?

Anyway, I found this really interesting, having no previous knowledge of the story or world. I feel Thorn may have overstepped their boundaries, but maybe it's better that they know Alsari's story. Maybe it can lead to more understanding. With that being said, ghostfire sounds very intriguing!




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Mon May 08, 2017 12:37 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, Feltrix. I was happy to see you had posted another one! Thanks a lot for the tag :)

The first time I saw "ghostfire" I immediately thought of Corso! I mean, the Harbinger called him Ghostfire! And that leads me to wonder, was the Harbinger himself cut off from his world because of the ghostfire? I'm excited to know. On with the rest of the review!

I'm really loving that Alsari's past added a depth in her which I didn't really see, actually. I wish I had seen this depth in previous chapters. Even if the reader doesn't know, remember that the past of the character shapes them up from their eyes, and I believe the layer of character can be developed in previous chapters as well (especially from Alsari's POV). This chapter, I feel, is an important revelation about Alsari anyway. To sum up: The revelation was nice, but some buildup from the previous chapters about Alsari hiding her loneliness would strengthen it. I'm feeling a touch of an "unreliable narrator", but I still think that some emotions can sneak in.

One thing I would like to comment on is that the conversation sounds like they're just stopping to talk though I'm assuming they're walking to their rooms. In between dialogue, perhaps some feeling that they're moving on would be nice, so the reader can gather their senses as to where they're heading--their rooms, right? I probably said this many times, but I want to repeat: There is a lack of setting here. I sometimes call it a "white wall syndrome". I don't think there's a need to obsess over every little detail, but is there something in the halls that catches Thorn's eye? Somebody jogging up the stairs? Some portraits? And the same applies to the beginning of the flashback. I feel as if the setting there is also rather sparse. Some more description would be lovely. Like I've probably said a lot, don't overdo it, though.

And...talking heads as well. I really love the body language you incorporated, BUT I want to have something else. Are they walking? Does Alsari move faster than Thorn? Did she lean against the wall? Did Thorn brush his fingers against the wallpaper? tie his shoes? There's some details you could work in to develop the characters' quirks and so forth.

In the flashback, I also thought that Alsari would be stunned by the ghostfire. Imagine to see everyone you love, you like, you even dislike all DIE in one swift gust, right? It's really really traumatic! She'd be shocked, right? Since we're in Alsari's head for the moment, won't we feel her shock? her grief? and so forth? I would have loved to feel more of her emotions in the flashback.

I have a little concern that Thorn sounds a bit like Corso. Perhaps I could be the only one saying this; perhaps other reviewers have different ideas, but that's just food for thought for the moment. To wrap this review, I want to sum up as : it still needs a little more detail in my opinion.

I hope this helps, and feel free to message me if you want to talk about this! :D I'm excited for the next installment!

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Sun May 07, 2017 10:51 pm
Feltrix says...



Do I tag people here? Is that a thing? I don't really know, but I'll give it a whirl. So, um, @MJTucker and @PrincessInk, I'm done with this chapter. Finally. It's been taking a while because I've been going through and editing everything, and I'm still not done editing, but I started getting an itch to write new things instead of redo the old, so, here it is.




PrincessInk says...


I'll be reviewing this soon. Another thing you could do is to post the chapter on your wall and tag us :)



PrincessInk says...


Not the chapter, I mean the *link* to the chapter.



Feltrix says...


Okay. I'm new to the whole thing.




The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris