Young Writers Society

Hey Vegas,

I like the direct-to-the-point quickness of your first stanza. It is conflict inflected lines and that is always going to draw in readers, however, once the premise is set up, I felt it needed a bit more develooment and extrapolation perhaps in describing the problem in greater depth or else adding more scenes to add a bit more engagement with your readers.

The drama and conflict of the poem is intensely told, and I want to share in that intensity but without scenes or build-up, as a reader I do not really feel this drama because it is all told me rather than shown. It makes it read anticlimatically if I already know the problem from the very first line. I want to read more because I want to know specifically how the narrator is going to deal with the pain, or how the narrator experiences the pain. Or how the narrator changes. Or why it matters so much to the narrator. What are the stakes?

An example of a good place to add a scene would be after stanza 3- we are told that this is the "worse pain" and that the pain is likened to a silence which is paradoxically screaming. However what kind of pain specifically? Use sebsory language: sight, smell, taste, touch, sound.

Overall, I understand based on my own experience how difficult it can be to hold back and bottle in emotions so I enjoy the concept and the use of paradox here c: My suggestion simply to add more color and development with scene and sensory language.

I hope this helps,

Audy

Legacy here for a review.

I agree with others that say that the use of "grasped" doesn't work in the context. Possibly another verb would work better.

I love how you ended the poem with the screaming becoming a voice. Very nice and closes all of it up well.

The second stanza is awkward. You introduced the screaming in a "weird" way. Maybe finding a subtle way of slightly introducing it in the first stanza would make the second one not awkward.

You also used regular punctuation in some spots and didn't use it in others. I don't understand why you did that (stylistic choice?) I honestly think it doesn't throw the poem off, just makes it slightly off.

Other than that, nice way of displaying the emotions in a way that people can understand. I love it.

This emotion is so hard to describe but so easy to recognize. That fight between wanting to express emotion, because gosh darn it, that's what emotions are for, but considering the results of doing so and deciding not to. Except, just because you decided not to doesn't mean that you feel good about it -- it's still terrible misery because now all that emotion is bottled up inside you and you have to deal with it somehow.

I think your first stanza is great: clear and to the point. There are a few points that are a little awkward, though, that you might want to take another look at. For example:

"My smile is fabricated,/ So is my happiness" -- did the speaker manage to fabricate happiness? I guess, when I interpret this poem, I see that there is no happiness. The outward expression -- smiles, for example -- has to be fabricated, but you've already mentioned that. Is the actual emotion also fabricated for this person?

Then the phrase "pain... I have... grasped". I don't think it makes sense to grasp pain. Another verb might work better there.

And the last stanza is so nice to wrap the poem together -- there is that solution: just stop trying to be happy, and then it won't hurt. But gosh, the unwritten line that comes after is "but that's impossible...". And the fact that I have to know that to finish the poem is a really great way to build a connection between me and your writing. You didn't bring the logic all the way to the end, and that's what made that possible, so good choice!

I hope these thoughts help you out! PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Thanks for sharing,

Hannah

Hi Vegas (you were previously steam1244? ), just dropping by for a review for your poem! I'm just going to dive into the meat of the review and I hope you don't mind.

Theme:This is a pretty strong theme. Silence can really resonate in people and it can hurt, it can leave them wondering; it can evoke all sorts of emotions in them. Silence can be interpreted differently from the person. Your interpretation is like you're holding back your silence not to hurt others, to try to shield your pain. I feel as if the last stanza is telling me that no pain, no happiness. The "curiosity" part was rather unique here, and it feels a little odd that you're using it in a way to mean you're searching for emotions But I like it anyway.

Imagery & Metaphor: I honestly didn't see so much of either here, and I was a little disappointed. I felt as though you were using "screaming" a ton of times and I'd like to see some more variety here, because it's starting to be a little monotonous, you see? And I wasn't exactly fond of the italics either--in my opinion, they stuck out like a sore thumb.

Flow:Eh...a little off. I'm not sure if the repetition of "screaming" really helped so much with the flow here. In the 2nd stanza, the transition between "quiet" and the fake smiles felt a little disjointed, too.

Others:When I reached the "unheard" part, I was wondering, How can the speaker expect others to hear them when they already said they wanted to keep pain to themselves? Perhaps some more slow underlying transition would have helped. And I was wishing "you" would come out a little more in the end. Your poem just began with "you" and then drifted away.

I think that's all I've got to say,
and I hope you have a wonderful day!