Young Writers Society

Hi there herbgirl! Niteowl here to review for Team Papyrus this fine Review Day!

Overall, I like the subversive nature of this. We're so conditioned to associate spring with happiness and rebirth, and here you turn it into something melancholy and hopeless, almost like it's choking the speaker.

broken shards of glass or maybe
the long dead leaves of leaves of last fall

1) I'm not sure you meant to repeat leaves in the second line.
2) "Shards of glass" is, if not quite cliche, an awfully common image and maybe not the strongest way to start the poem. Plus it seems kind of weird to me since the leaves can't cut like glass after being buried in snow for months.

between my toes twines guilt
curling around cold concrete corners

This phrase is quite a tongue twister and kind of throws me off as a reader. Plus I feel like the lack of punctuation starts to affect the piece around here. Is this supposed to be separate from the previous lines or connected? It's hard for me to tell.

pray tell how we're supposed to grow
when our roots are just worms
the neighbor boys rip out the ground
to abandon on the sidewalk
where we drown on our doubting days
in the drip drip dripping of bitter time slipping between their fingers
and they cry because they feel they're losing something
and we die silently because we know what it is

The first few lines of this are perfect, but then it starts to feel like a run-on sentence starting with "in the drip drip dripping...". Perhaps punctuation would make this clearer, but I still think it would need some rewording. I'm also not sure how I feel about "where we drown on our doubting days". Like it's a cool line, but it doesn't quite seem to fit. Again, maybe punctuation and rewording would help this.

because death to the garden is winter
and winter is reset
winter is try again
winter is it starts over
winter is it gets better

This is such a lovely way to look at winter, and so different from convention where winter equals misery and death.

Overall, I thought this had a unique perspective and some lovely imagery. Keep writing!

Hi herbgirl,
You have talent here. This poem is really good. I'll go line by line and tell you my views.

broken shards of glass or maybe
the long dead leaves of last of last fall
litter my porch step
prick deep into the brown bare soles of cold feet

I had to read the entire poem and get back to this first line because I didnt understand it then. With the second stanza, I felt that it is being narrated a tree. Maybe you didn't intend that but I like that interpretation so I'll go on with it.
I feel like the tears of this tree at being neglected is clouding its vision and therefore because of the watery eyes it seems as if everything around it is glass.
I like the continued sibilance here, it adds to dull and dreary attitude of the tree because so long has passed with nothing to talk about. "last of last fall"- just love that touch to the poem.
I'd format the lines like this:
Litter my porch step pricking deep
Into the brown bare soles of cold feet
And capitalize your words!!! It always makes poetry look better and seem more refined.

it's spring
but the only thing reborn is regret
little sprouts of green and brown
growing out our ears and eyes
between my toes twines guilt
curling around cold concrete corners
we lean out of the known into quiet morning
mists of breath drifting off into tomorrow

I'd break the lines differently, to show the rebirth:
"It's spring but the only thing
reborn is regret."
I use little sprout of brown alone because green is something lively and fresh, which is not the idea you want to get through to the reader.
I like how it is coming out of your ears and eyes because it indicates that you regret what you hear and see.
It makes sense the the guilt is around your toes because it is what you want to get rid of the most. The hard "k" sounds of the next lines show the extensive hatred and is a great touch.
I couldn't quite catch the meaning of the last line. Would love an explanation!

yellow pinpricks sprinkle the yard
weeds are choking us out again
pray tell how we're supposed to grow
when our roots are just worms
the neighbor boys rip out the ground
to abandon on the sidewalk
where we drown on our doubting days
in the drip drip dripping of bitter time slipping between their fingers
and they cry because they feel they're losing something
and we die silently because we know what it is

I didnt understand the line "to abandon on the sidewalk".
and you drown "in" things.
I like the idea of dripping of time. It works perfectly and compares well to the tears that I talked about in the first line. I'd taking the part after "time" to a line line to actually show the slipping.
The last two lines are marvelous!!!

and hope is the blight of the garden
biting blooms of despair in the bud
and we can't let that happen
because death to the garden is winter
and winter is reset
winter is try again
winter is it starts over
winter is it gets better

This is confusing because previously you've talked of regret being the only thing reborn. Now you talk of hope.
The double meaning on blight is amazing!
I didn't understand the second line but it has a good feel to it.
I'd use the conjunction "but" instead of "and", ---but winter is reset---to show that although they enter winter, they know there is hope.
And there is so much depth to this, honestly, that I would be writing an entire page more, but I'll stop here.
A beautiful stanza here.

so we melt the snow with tomorrow breath
and spend the morning on the porch
soldiering towards sordid summer
when the future is the now
and we can wilt in peace

I just was wondering what you were trying to get at by saying tomorrow's breath. maybe because tomorrow brings hope, I thought it might indicate that the coldness and misery of the winter will be taken down by this new feeling of hope that they expect tomorrow.
The last lines again are flawless.

But it confuses it the end. Because we're still in spring but you talked about winter. But you've also talked of how there hope so I don't get it when you say the future is the now and the now is that they wilt. I would have liked the end more happier like this:
So we'll melt the snow with tomorrow's breath
And spend the morning on the porch
Soldiering towards summer.
For the future might not always be the now
So now, we can wilt in peace.
Something like that.

You might want to work a little more on the meaning of your verses and see about the flow.

As for the title, A title can tell a lot about a poem. So, I'd make it something else. A more neutral title because this poem is about hope as well and there is a good amount of winter mentioned in it. I make it something that is synonymous to Looking at the good side of things; a really short phrase or maybe a single word taht conveys this.

Anyway, I usually read poetry here and I can tell which stanza is the best. But I cant here. every line is wonderful and I cant say enough.

You really have skill and you really do understand poetry.

I'll be following your work for sure so keep writing!!!

~ILived