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Young Writers Society



A Raven's Offering

by Virgil, alliyah


Authors' Note: Alliyah and I wrote a poem in the jam the two of us hosted! The first stanza is mine, and the second stanza is what Alliyah wrote. The jam was about writing in the voice of another person and learning to distinguish individual voices and it was a lot of fun, so we edited it, neatened it out, and decided to post it! Hope you enjoy it. The first two lines aren't either of ours, as it was apart of the prompt, so we aren't taking credibility for that, only the rest of the poem!


A raven swoops down upon the dawn's first
idea before she writes it down, as if it were
her own. The sunrise her own creation
acting as if she brought up this nation
from her own broad wings.
A misfit of sorts, perched alone
on an oak tree with leaves
that were erased by winter,
yet she stays.
How much secrecy
she hid underneath those wings
of hers, I will never know.
Regurgitating worms
as if they were knowledge
back into the mouths of young.
Her children, they took anything
that came out her beak
as universal.
Never questioning
a single caw.

The trees of the forest could
have corrected her lies if
only they could dare to
speak. But growing birds
with new feathers to don
rarely listen to the
whispers of the ancient.
So the ravens and sky shall
begin their flight anew, taking the path
of sunrays or shadows depending on
the hour. As a quest of happenstance
the young birds will deliver
their subjective poison
or perhaps their saving tonic
as if it were truth. And who
is to say it is not, or claim to
have more wisdom than a mother
raven, who has traveled the skies,
the earth, and all that lies between?

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3821 Reviews

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Sun Mar 26, 2017 4:56 am
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Snoink wrote a review...



Hi!

What a strange first line! You both were wonderfully creative bringing that line to life like this! :o

Were you intending to write this as if it were a single poem with only one author apparent? Or did you intend to have each of your voices shine out? If the former, you might want to put your note after the poem!

It does seem like two authors because the storyline isn't consistent. For example, the second stanza talks about how the raven lies. In fact, that's the main premise. But, in the first stanza, the raven isn't lying. The raven is stealing, as ravens are prone on doing.

Besides, the first stanza seemed to reference the Raven Tales at first from many indigenous Americans (including the native tribes that are in Washington State, which is where I am living now!) in which Raven is often described as the creator of humanity. So, I was reminded of that almost immediately.

Then, as the first stanza continued, the raven seemed to transform from the creator, or at least the thief, to just a normal raven. So, it was like going from the rich religious stories of a people to a more secular form of it... which I assume that is something that is going on, with many Native American tribes fighting to keep their stories from simply being labeled as interesting mythology. Still, there seems to be a reduction that transforms the raven as being someone who can steal dawn's idea and become the creator into just a something -- a plain bird that regurgitates worms.

Then, the second stanza! Totally different, because in the second stanza, there is mostly talk about how the raven is just a liar and that ravens that she is raising will just be deluded in this belief. Except, at the very last sentence, it offers a glimpse that perhaps she's not lying. Which is a bit confusing. Though, I like the last sentence a lot. Still, it seems weird that the second stanza is so dismissive of the raven and then it gives her a little bit of credence.

Sooo... the storyline definitely seems disjointed?

My advice would be... if the raven is actually saying lies, let us see that in the poem. Thieving and lying are NOT the same. Also, in the second stanza, don't say that the raven is just lying and then try to say that she isn't. Make it more of a mystery.

Anyway, the things that I liked! I dooooo really like that you're using imagery and symbolism from Native cultures. That makes me really really happy. (I kind of adore poetry with religious influences.) I really like the last line. I like the reduction of the raven to a great creature that can steal the dawn's idea and the metamorphosis to a simple bird, though it makes me sad.

Anyway! Nice teamwork! :o




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Sat Mar 25, 2017 6:05 pm
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VegasLights wrote a review...



Hello, Nikayla and Alliyah. Steam1244 here to review! I have to say, I understand this poem completely. I love how it somewhat relates to today's society. I do not know if that was you intention or not, but that is what I see. I have one question, why does it say the raven and the sky start anew (not exact words, shortened for time)? Do you mean, since the ravens and the other ancient birds have flown in the sky, that it starts anew because it was ancient? Sorry, I don't mean to be picky. But, your poem is really good.

Keep Writing,
Steam1244




alliyah says...


Thanks for your input steam! I think the intended meaning of that line is that the young birds that grew feathers and were fed by the mother raven now have to go fly on their own or fly "anew". It's a bit like the circle of life and ideas - but totally open to interpretation. :)



VegasLights says...


Oh ok, that makes a lot more sense. Thank you!




i got called an enigma once so now i purposefully act obtuse
— chikara