Young Writers Society

Intricately detailed but I'm not so sure about the third stanza, is it alluding to people blinding themselves into believing their portrayal of themselves as someone who leading a perfect, enviable life? But then if that is what is intended what is the parallel to 'constrict our bodies?' it sounds like one is being physically crushed but it isn't very clear how that is related to the second stanza.

The first stanza doesn't flow to the second stanzas.

In general I think you could use less visual imagery as its strong use is too vague and I don't see how it relates to reality. But your strong use shows you have a strong imagination and potential in creative writing. Apart from its vagueness and lack of flow I love the poem.

Intricately detailed but I'm not so sure about the third stanza, is it alluding to people blinding themselves into believing their portrayal of themselves as someone who leading a perfect, enviable life? But then if that is what is intended what is the parallel to 'constrict our bodies?' it sounds like one is being physically crushed but it isn't very clear how that is related to the second stanza.

The first stanza doesn't flow to the second stanzas.

In general I think you could use less visual imagery as its strong use is too vague and I don't see how it relates to reality. But your strong use shows you have a strong imagination and potential in creative writing. Apart from its vagueness and lack of flow I love the poem.

Hey Gravity,

There's keen observances of feeling here and for that I think many who read this will find it relatable. There are two main ideas expressed [1.) isolation which is the detailings of the first half, and 2.) the second half which explores physical insecurities and the beautiful ones.

I can't really see how the first idea has much to do with the second idea, except in my mind perhaps sequentially, the second idea leads into the first?

A person first feels insecurity and then from there, feels socially ostracized because of it? Yet, the poem doesn't play out in this order so I cannot easily make out this connection. When I read about the voices chastising the narrator, there is no context built here.

I do not know why the voices mock. Similarly I do not know who "the beautiful ones" are. Am I to assume it refers to a group outside of the "we", which the narrator has defined are those who feel insecure and isolated? Execution may need some work as the two ideas don't transition too well at this stage.

The first half expresses this narrator vulnerable to cruel laughter and so seeking refuge behind a computer screen which, for the narrator seems to act as a social outlet and ironically, one of isolation. [This is my interpretations, take with it as you will!] The concept here is interesting even on its own yet we start off with voices personifying "us" as though reader and narrator are a cohesive unit, but we do not end here.

The point of view and voice switches in the second half, (notice the narrator speaking to the beautiful ones: "cover /your/ mirror") along with the topic itself (physical beauty now and not social anxieties as a whole). The two different ideas get muddled due to this.

It is not so much that a poem cannot jump around from idea to idea, or switch viewpoints, these methods are great tools to certain effects, however, I feel the focus of the piece isn't quite there.

Does the narrator talk ABOUT these ideas, or does the narrator wish for the reader to emphasize with the narrator's plight, to fill inside the narrator's shoes and experience the insecurities, demons, skeletons, voices... but it reads more like the former and not the later.

Nevertheless, the ideas here are deep. They are profound and the sentiments are there to be felt. As always, I only like to pick on the space for improvements so I can chat this out any time and brainstorm with you for editing just let me know.

~ as always, Audy

WOW, I LOVED THIS POEM!!!! Honestly, this is one of the best poems I've read in a while, so good job. I really liked the message that you sent through this poem, and I think that many people can relate to it. I also liked how you put the reader into the poem, I think that made it a more effective piece of poetry. I also liked all the description you added, it really made this a beautiful poem. I only have one suggestion, and that would be to change the your in the first line to our because you said our every other time so I think that it would make it flow better. All in all, I think that you did an amazing job, and I am very excited to read your future works.

Ummmm holy cow, my friend. This was an amazing piece of poetry. Like the prior reviewer said:" it means different things to different people." And I LOVE that about this certain piece. Ugh... it's just so good. Your words are like gentle-yet powerful- and strong brush strokes on a canvas, painting a meaningful message. And you're right, there is no perfect person and EVERYONE fails the test of life. But that's just apart of the majestic beauty of it. Extremely, incredibly well done. You've touched me.

"Oh my gosh" That is what I said when I finished reading this beautiful poem. It is strong! All the verses just leap out at you! I honestly have no corrections to make.

"The cruel laughs echo through your ears
they twist their way through our heads
they worm their way into our hearts,
until we fall into our roles, playacting
broken hearts and shattered glass
the facade becoming one with our essence."

I like how this verse (in fact the whole poem) means different things to different readers. I think that this verse is the strongest though. Amazing job!