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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Maria Prologue Part 1

by Moraca101


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

I looked up as I sprinted through the streets. My eyes caught the edge of the familiar purple cloak as it flickered out of sight above rooftops. As I went to look ahead of me, something else caught my eye. I slid further into the shadows, eyes wide as the red and black uniform surged after the purple crusader.

The local vigilante, Raven, was known for helping people who are victimized by the local police force, particularly enchanters who live in the poorer districts. I ran further and cawed like a crow to warn the Raven. I ran beside them, staying a street away until I saw the bridge looming ahead. Judging by the lanterns quickly being put out and the flashes of metal, that was where they were leading the Raven, and he was going to be forced to go there.

I took the next right heading for the street below the bridge. As I reached Main street, I heard a commotion above me. Looking up, I saw a person on the edge of the bridge as the familiar voice of General Black rang out, begging the person to come back off the edge. I stood frozen as the pure voice of my brother rang out over the plaza, "The Raven will have one last flight!" His cape flapped gallantly in the wind as he plummeted down, giving him the appearance of wings. I snapped out of my daze and ran to where he was falling, my own black cape flapping behind me. I would never let them find his body, if they figured out who he was, our family would be in danger.

I slipped on slick cobblestones as a crash resounded ahead of me. I walked forward cautiously towards the hay stack that had been blown apart. The Raven... no... Trauer lay in the hay, seemingly asleep. I lifted his head carefully and winced as it rolled far too freely in my hands. His neck was broken, but because of the hay he had no obvious wounds except for the bruises blossoming everywhere. I picked him up, leaning him against my shoulder, and moved him to the stone ground. I unclasped his cloak and folded it, tucking it into my bag that jingled with coins that had been laid out as thanks to the Raven. I threw my black cloak over us both and staggered home, half carrying my brother's corpse as if he had merely been drinking too much ale.

When I reached our small apartment at the edge of the docks, I paused. How was I supposed to tell mother? So far I had felt nothing about my brother's inevitable death. I pursed my lips and stepped inside.

"Maria? Are you and Trauer already done with your rounds?" a warm voice called from the kitchen. I laid Trauer on the couch, placed his hands gently on to his chest, and covered with with my cloak, like a shroud. Standing back, I bowed my head respectfully. Mother, not hearing my answer walked into the room. "Maria? What's... ," she paused as her eyes fell onto the shrouded figure and then looked at me as I drew the purple cloak from my bag.

"We had a good haul," my voice broke as tears began to flow freely, " beat up some jerks who were picking on Mrs. Angela, you remember her right? Then...," I paused as my breathing became labored, emotions bubbling to the surface faster and faster. "Then I saw a uniform after him, but it was too late. They trapped him on the bridge, and he jumped. The Raven flies no more," I sobbed as anger boiled up with the sorrow before stating roughly, "And neither does the Crow!" I threw the cloak in my hands to the floor and ran to my room.

It was three lonely days before I finally emerged, wearing the same black dress my mother had given me for father's funeral a year before. I stood silently with my mother and Trauer's friends as the Pearlous priest dictated the necessary passages before they buried the only person that made the Armlick district citizens happy. I have to admit I didn't cry. I had lost all of my tears.

Two days later, the rumors of the Raven's death had spread as far as the nobles, who immediately started taxing people even worse than before the Raven posed a problem to them, as a punishment to those that survived.

They all knew that the Crow was still around. General Black had not seen him as he chased the Raven. I went out and collected the Copper Specie from the sills and the notes that more or less apologized for the Raven’s death, and at every house that apologized and praised the Raven, I left a small note held down by a Silver Specie. The note said, “The Crow thanks you, her feathers are her mourning clothes, and she refuses to leave her roost until the Raven rises once more.”

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494 Reviews

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Tue Feb 21, 2017 1:50 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Mora! I've FINALLY got my butt over here to give you a review!

First of all I like this interesting Robin Hood-esque story. Especially because it feels like you're writing a fantasy style Robin Hood type tale and that is very exciting, because think of ALL the wonderful things Robin Hood could have done with MAGIC. But I don't know where exactly you're taking this, so we'll just have to see! ^_^

half carrying my brother's corpse as if he had merely been drinking too much ale.


A limp body is incredibly difficult to move, let alone lift and walk with- AKA carry. It doesn't matter how strong your character is- unless she's got like super-human strength, but if that were the case it might have been good to mention that.

So far I had felt nothing about my brother's inevitable death.


I agree with the reviewer before me; it's not very realistic that she has basically zero reaction to her brother dying. I mean, yes, she could be in shock, but to be in shock you tend to be in a bit more of a denial state and she's totally accepted the fact that her brother's dead- even before he was dead and was about to jump she was like "Welp, better go retrieve his body."- and not in a dry-humour kind of way. It's true, different people have different reactions to death, but there's generally some reaction upon seeing someone you love dead in such a brutal kind of way.

“The Crow thanks you, her feathers are her mourning clothes, and she refuses to leave her roost until the Raven rises once more.”


I like this ending, but I feel like it would have a stronger punch if there were a little less words. Or maybe it's just that it's confusing because the ending gives this kind of promise that the Raven will rise again, because of what the MC said- but we have no idea how that could even be possible as we have no idea what the laws of this universe are and if there's anything strong enough to bring someone back from the dead. I think we need a little more background into this world and what exactly it's all about. A way that you might be able to add a bit of that in is instead of starting out with the MC running, if you start off towards the beginning of the Crow and Raven's "rounds". If you have the two of them walking and talking I think there'd be a lot more opportunity to shed a little light on things- and there doesn't need to be much info at all, just enough to hint at stuff. If there is indeed stuff to hint at. Starting off with the MC and her brother together could also help us sympathise with the MC a little more, because we would have seen a glimpse into his personality and their relationship. As it is we know nothing about him and so, like the MC, we weren't at all remorseful when he died. Also it might give more potential emotions for your character to use when her brother dies. But that's just my thoughts! c:

The other thing I wanted to bring up is: how exactly do these two (teenagers?- I'm guessing perhaps) fight the law? We heard that they do fight the law, and somehow are successful, but how? Again, is magic on their side? If they're so good at fighting the law, how was one guy in a uniform able to stop the Raven? It doesn't quite make sense.

Anyway, I thought this was really interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do next with it! Keep it up! C:

-Socks




Moraca101 says...


I've been struggling with how to begin this for a while, but your suggestion is really nice. I think I will rewrite all of it and continue this later.



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Wed Feb 15, 2017 10:19 pm
jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimss here

I see that you are new here so let me just say; welcome to the YWS. My name is jimss, and I rather enjoy doing reviews, especially novels that involve fantasy, magic, science fiction or any combination of the above.

Ok, a disclaimer. I am here for your work, not for you. What I mean is, I care a little more about making your work the best it can be over trying to phrase things in the nicest, most diplomatic way possible. I try to show respect every writer, and I demonstrate that by making sure I don't give you some BS that doesn't help improve your work.

Ok, now that we have all the serious stuff out of the way, LET'S DO THIS!!!


1) Your introduction is a little confusing. In fact, I had trouble figuring out what was going on until a little later. (Which happens a lot mind you, cause I have never been the sharpest tool in the shed) Now, I have some advice. When I read your second paragraph before I read the first, it made a lot more sense. Consider changing the order around.

2) Pronouns. Pronouns everywhere. In a prologue, it is vital to cut down on the pronouns, because your reader (AKA my dumb***) does not have a lot of context as to what is going on.

3) Cloak. You use it a lot. Not really a criticism just something to keep in mind. Repetition can detract from the overall impact of a work.

4) "The local vigilante, Raven, was known for helping people who are victimized by the local police force, particularly enchanters who live in the poorer districts."

Ok, one thing. If this her brother, because it is in first person, she needs to say that the Raven is her brother. Otherwise, it sounds like she has no idea who the Raven is, which only adds more confusion.

5) "that was where they were leading the Raven, and he was going to be forced to go there."

Combine this into one smooth motion. "That was where they were forcing the Raven to go" something like that.

6) "Looking up, I saw a person on the edge of the bridge."

Not a person, the Raven. She knows full well, from context, that it is the Raven. If you want to keep the ambiguity, replace "person" with "figure" It remains uncertain, without making it seem impersonal.

7) "I lifted his head carefully and winced as it rolled far too freely in my hands."

Winced? If I saw that my brother had snapped his neck, I would be screaming, crying like a baby, or at least a little distraught (My brother is a bigger jerk than me. I get it honest). I wouldn't act as if he had just gotten crossed up at basketball; there would be a lot more emotion there.

8 )"I slipped on slick cobblestones as a crash resounded ahead of me." For some reason, this does not make sense in context. One moment, she is slipping, and then she's not?

9) "that had been laid out as thanks to the Raven." As assinine as it might seem, you need to specify who laid these coins out. I know, I know, it is just an extra detail, but trust me, it makes the sentence seem a lot more realistic.

10) "brother's inevitable death" I don't think it was inevitable, or at least I didn't pick that up in the context of the scene. Now, it is very likely that because of his lifestyle, his death was bound to happen sooner or later. But just say "my brother's death." Inevitable does not work in context. It is mostly reserved for fated deaths or death that was guaranteed to occur at a precise moment.

11) "I pursed my lips and stepped inside." I'm sorry, but Maria goes from almost emotionless to crying faster than my bipolar ex-girlfriend. You need her to show just a little more emotion, even if it very slight. Makes her seem a bit more human and most importantly, relatable.

12) You never how the mother reacts. It might not seem important, but it will add a whole different level of emotional hurt if everyone is upset, rather than just Maria. Mother's (for the most part) genuinely love their children. Make it count.

13) Pearlous? I've never heard that word. Is that a religion in this world? (If this was just a misspelled word, ignore that. I over analyze things.)

14) "I have to admit I didn't cry." Unless the MC is directly telling someone what happened, she doesn't have to admit anything. "I didn't cry" same meaning, less wordy. (Keep it simple. Try to write for the lowest common denominator, like yours truly. I like simple.)

15) "General Black had not seen him."

Crow is a woman. Can't say him if it is not a him. Just say Crow again. (Although a multi-gender MC would be awesome. I like edgy things)

16) "as a punishment to those that survived." Why is surviving enough to warrant punishment? There has got to be more here to explain the context. (Maybe the nobles hate the lower class for racial or societal prejudice. Get those world building gears turning!)

Ok, that about sums it up. Now let's move to the positive stuff, yea?

My job as a reviewer is not to pad your ego, but credit goes where credit is due. You have an interesting premise set up here. It looks like this is a new, unique take on the Robin Hood theme. You have a superb MC. Not too strong, someone in touch with the dark nature of the times in which she lives. She will make for an excellent window by which to view the story.

Anyway, by the time you get to this, you probably want to rip my head off, so I will end it here. If you want me to review anything for you again, I would be happy to do so. If you need me to bug off, I won't blame you (I would hate me too :) ). Whatever the case, I am interested in reading more.

Thanks for bearing with me,
Your friendly neighborhood jack***,

Jimss.




Moraca101 says...


First of all, thank you. I have enough people telling me that "It's so good!" In my day to day life. I put it here for the express reason of having it torn apart. Can't do surgery without a few cuts. The main character is purposefully bipolar, but doesn't know it. Pearlous is the name of the God of Death. "General Black had not seen him" was meant to sound more like an official statement. Everyone thinks the Crow is male since women don't learn to fight. Thank you for pointing out my wordiness. When I get on my computer, I'll try to edit it down.



jimss23 says...


It's all good. Trust me, as an author, I completely understand. Sometimes as reviewers, it is hard to see stuff about a character because we only do one chapter at a time. From what you told me, these characters have a lot more to them than just what is revealed in this work.
Let me know if there is anything I can do for ya, and keep me updated when new stuff comes out.
I want to read more

jimss




"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery