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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Richard & Rebecca: Chapter Three -Safety-

by SilloriaD


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

“Will you never grow up?"

"I doubt it, and I certainly hope not.”

― David Eddings, The Seerress of Kell

The Benard house was more like a castle of the ageless times, hidden away in lush forest of trees and greenery. It had been the headquarters of Magick-kind since the dawn of our race. Jane had headed it's construction herself, making every detail in her vision of perfection. It stood the test of time better than many Egyptian Tombs. With minor renovations here and there, it had survived thousands of years of destruction and conflict. I suppose magickal enchantments could be the cause of this ever-lasting structure. It's magnificence towered over us as we approached. 

Pristine pillars with the history of our kind marked upon them led to the front of the building. I gazed in wonder as we walked- the success of the hybrid experiments, the depiction of the Magickian who made the discovery of DNA splicing through magick, and the Great War with the Angels and the Humans before that... everything was there. At the very end, a giant stained-glass piece of Jane, the furthest and most prestigious ancestor of the Benards and their various branches. She had been given wings, as she was originally part of the Echo, the first race. The Echo were also depicted- the only surviving images of what once was. Even the Angels were not pure enough to maintain such a form. Little was known of the Echo except what was written in the private journals of Jane herself, which were heavily guarded there at headquarters. But the images lain here in eternal glory were marvelous. I was so distracted by them that I had not paid any attention to where I was going. 

Thud.

I fell to the ground in a daze after going head-first into the wall beside the door. Adrian snorted in amusement as I scrambled back to my feet, dusting myself off. I joined my family once again, and soon after that the front door opened. A young girl, likely just as young as I, stood on the other side. If not for the slits in place of normally round pupils, I would've assumed her to be a Benard. The young hybrid smiled at us. "Good afternoon! Welcome to the Benard house, home of the most powerful Magickians on Earth. We've been expecting you all. Please, come in. One of my masters will be with Miss Rebecca's family shortly. Miss Rebecca, your attendant will be here soon as well." Her glowing smile seemed to catch Adrian's eye, as he stared her down with an intrigued expression. Visibly she tensed, but  the smile remained glued to her face. "Allow me to take your coats, please." One by one, we each handed her our coats. She lowered her head in respect to each of us, and she did not look us in the eye. I felt sorry for her. Adrian could be rather intimidating when he wanted to be, and he was certainly trying. She was putting up quite the fight, however. The girl must've known how to handle herself in situations like these- no wonder she was stationed at the front of the home. 

"What is your name?" Kindly, I tried to make conversation with the girl. "How long have you been here?"

"My name is Clara." She responded. I noticed a tinge of an English accent to her voice. "I've been here for a few years now, though I've only been moved to the front within the last few months." She still seemed rather uncomfortable. Finally, she turned to my brother in a huff. "I'm sorry, sir, but I'd prefer if you'd stop oogling at me like I'm some sort of dame to be lusted for. If you'd like someone to serve you in that manner, I can always have someone sent to your quarters."

"Why, you wretched little-!" Adrian went to her and raised his hand to hit her. He swung towards his target, yet... 

Smack! The sound of skin against skin echoed through the room. When I looked again, I gasped. A familiar form had taken the blow instead. "That won't be necessary." Richard smiled, his arm still guarding against the assault. "Only a Benard can punish her, sir. She does not belong to you or your family. I'd suggest you remember that moving forward." He smiled to the shocked girl gently. "Clara, you should know better than to speak that way to an honored guest. Why don't you show Miss Rebecca's family to their rooms?" The younger hybrid nodded slowly, then gestured to my parents. 

"If you will all follow me, I'll show you to your quarters." She smiled shakily. They followed, though Adrian lingered for a moment. 

"Watch yourself, servant boy." 

"Oh, I do. Just about every morning in a mirror, y'know. It's certainly better than looking at your ugly mug." His vicious smirk seemed to wound Adrian's pride. "Now, if you'll excuse us, Miss Rebecca has to begin preparation for the ceremony next month." Quickly he grabbed my wrist and dragged me down a nearby hall. Once we were certain that no one was around, he stopped. We giggled like children while trying to catch our breath. "I've missed doing this, Rebecca. It's so fun to annoy him like that." Richard embraced me tightly. "I've missed you."

"I missed you too, Richard. And I'm staying here to study- we can have weeks upon weeks of mischievous hours. Like when we were children." I smiled, and he just ruffled my hair. 

"It's... refreshing, really, to see how you look at the world again." He sighed in contentment. "We've all been forced to grow up too much these last few months. Master Audwin has been frequently ill, y'know."

"He's ill? Why wasn't the family told about this?!" I grumbled angrily. 

"Because succession is messy business, Rebecca. He only has one son, and he's not interested in claiming the head spot of the family for himself. So people would start digging for every blood tie they can find, scrambling to take it for themselves. Selfish bastards... some of the more unsavory ones have attempted assassinations in the recent years, and Audwin's health just isn't what it used  to be. Occasionally, poison will make it past the kitchen and to him. He had built up quite the immunity in his own time, but... It seems time has taken it's toll on the old man. In his leave, things have become strange."

"Strange? How...?" 

"Disappearances, mostly. Hybrids have gone missing here and there. The caretakers are keeping tight-lipped about it, but there have been whispers that, without Audwin's supervision, they've started to do more experiments." 

A gasp slipped past my lips. "No, they can't! Audwin Benard himself has told them-"

"Funny thing about authority figures, they only hold power when they have the strength to do so." Richard sighed. "I just hope I can keep my head low and avoid getting in trouble too much- well, I kind of ruined that when I intervened back there. Adrian has got it out for me. Thank the Other that he isn't the one becoming a member of the main family, eh?" He chuckled slyly. "Speaking of which, we'd better get you to the tailor. If you're going to be a Benard, you've got to look the part. C'mon!" He grabbed my wrist, and once again, we were off."

"Personally, I think they should allow you to wear your own formal wear. Familiarity is comfort, after all." Richard grumbled as the tailor and his Mousekin assistant carefully measured every inch of me. 

"At least they don't do the whole thing skyclad like they did in the early days." I shrugged carelessly. I was used to this process for new clothing. "Besides, this ceremony is about symbolically becoming part of the Benard family. It would be inappropriate to wear clothing crafted for an Einhard child to the ceremony for an Einhard adult anyway." 

The elder Mousekin smiled at me. "Plus, who's going to say no to a brand new gown or two?" 

I laughed, grinning widely. "Exactly!" In the mirror, I could see Richard roll his eyes. A smile still tainted his otherwise exasperated expression, giving away that he was, in fact, amused. I giggled slightly, then yelped in pain. 

"Hey, watch it with those pins, mister!" I growled. 

"If you'd hold still, you wouldn't end up with a pin in your side."

"You aren't even doing anything with fabric or clothing yet. Why do you have pins?!"

"To teach you a lesson. Now, hold still."  

"That was absolute torture," I groaned, rubbing my hip, which was sore from so many pins being stabbed into it. "What is that guy, a drill sergeant? No one could stand still that long."

"He was probably jealous. You're a higher ranking than he could ever hope to be without marrying in somewhere. Tormenting an Einhard brings a little bit of joy to his life, I'd expect."

"That's horrid! Who would be so horrible as to get pleasure from something like that?!" I cursed him over and over again. "That bastard... I should... I should..."

"You should what?" Richard snapped with a level of venom he'd never used with me. "Have him punished? Demoted? Tossed out like yesterday's trash?!" 

"Richard, what are you-!?" It hit me. "Oh, no, Richard, you know I'd never- I couldn't- not to you-" 

"Just... stop." He breathed in deeply a few times, his eyes tightly shut. "Try to be a bit more conscious of my situation, Rebecca. I know it's harder to comprehend than some of your studies, but, despite how nice I have it here, that can change at any moment. I could disappear, just like any of the others. So could he." 

"But.. how could he? He's a Magickian."

"Everyone is fair game in times of crisis. None of us are safe. Not me- not him- and not even you." With that, he started to walk. "C'mon, let's get to dinner. They'll expect you to be on time now that you're going to be one of them." I followed him down the hallway, contemplating what he said. If it was true... things were far worse than I thought.


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1085 Reviews


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 11:02 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by with a quick review today.

I'm not really sold on your spelling of Magickian. It's just hard to read, and although magick is fairly common if you're aiming for a more medieval feel, the reason that works is because it's not that unusual and because it doesn't read like it should affect the pronunciation of the work. Magickian does. I wind up reading it as "magic-kian."

The main thing that threw me off in the story was why the Hybrid thought Adrian was ogling her - that wasn't quite the sense I got from your narrator's internal narration, nor from my (admittedly brief) first impression of Adrian. It was also confusing as to where Richard actually came from - it read like he appeared out of nowhere, but I wasn't sure if that was the case or if you just meant that she looked away and when Rebecca looked back, she saw him there.

I really like the relationship between Rebecca and Richard - it feels natural and fully-formed. Actually, I really just like Richard in general. His attitude is great. (Although I thought the part with the pins was a little melodramatic.)

I was confused about what happened with the pins and why Richard wound up upset about it. I think it just wasn't clear who was sticking the pins in her - I had to read it a few times to realize it was the tailor. Or was it the Mousekin person?

The first couple paragraphs were a little confusing, and I felt like they were too focused on explaining the history of the images, rather than describing the images themselves and thus setting the scene and giving a lovely mental picture to the reader.

Also, make sure to break up your paragraphs when a new line of dialogue begins - that's standard convention and it makes it easier for the reader to see the dialogue, rather than it being buried in the middle of a long paragraph.

And that's all I've got! Good luck with this novel, and keep writing!




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Tue Feb 14, 2017 3:24 am
jimss23 wrote a review...



Hello there SilloriaD! Tis I, Jimss, the worst reviewer this website has ever seen!
Seriously, I am p*** poor at these things.

I'm going to try to do a review for your work (which is quite good). However, I would a poor reviewer if I only showered you with praise so let's dig in, ya?

OK first off, confession time. I will admit I did not read all the other chapters before I read this one. As such I will try to stay away from things I think might have been explained in other chapters. I will be focusing on stuff that is prevalent to this chapter.

Some overall comments;

1) I would recommend combing back through the chapter to try to purge it of unneeded words. It is a relatively minor change, but it makes the work seem more polished and being concise is worth is weight in gold.

2) I understand wanting to avoid dialogue tags, but be careful. I lost track of who was saying what occasionally. Make sure that you do not go too long without at least giving your reader a little context so that they can reorient themselves as to who is speaking.

Now for the specifics! MuHAHAH!!! Jk, but seriously though I am quite really nitpicky so ill try to make it as constructive as possible.

1)"With minor renovations here and there, it had survived thousands of years of destruction and conflict. I suppose magickal enchantments could be the cause of this ever-lasting structure. It's magnificence towered over us as we approached."

The part about the magickal enchantments seems out of place a breaks up the description of the house. If you are adamant about leaving that description in the text, I would advise you to change it to something a little different.

For example: "...survived thousands of years of destruction and conflict. The magical enhancements bound to the house didn't hurt either." Something along those lines.

2) Man, that Hybrid girl is feisty ain't she? I like it. But set the scene up a little better so that the reader gets the full impact of this girl's brief appearance. The main problem was that I had no idea that Adrian was leering at her until the girl said something. If you give more info about his actions and how he was staring at her, it would be a little more impactful. (P.S. Intimidation and leering don't look at all the same. Make sure they don't conflict with each other.)

3) Enter, our dashing young man! Richard sound like a solid guy. But unless he can turn invisible or move very, very fast (which could be the case seeing as I didn't read that other chapters) I don't know of anyone who can intercept a blow who hasn't been noticed by everyone first. I mean he could have some teleportation Jutsu and then your all gravy, but if he doesn't, let him enter the room first. The love interest who came to greet her suddenly stepping in the way of a blow and defending a young girl? That can make my cold heart melt.

4) Comedy! Wit! Being someone who struggles to do anything funny save dark humor and make my tender moments read like a bad soap opera, I respect anyone who can write comedy. Richard has got a mouth on him. Now, this was unclear to me, maybe cause I didn't read the other chapters, but is Richard a servant or like lower class? If so, D*** has he got some balls mouthing off like that. Maybe that's part of his charm, who knows. My advice for comedy, keep it simple, make it fit the character, and make sure it makes you smile every time you read it. :)

5) Romance!!! Mushy Gushy stuff!!! The best part of any book if you ask me. As someone who has to punch a wall to feel manly again after a good romance, I am always on the search for new stuff to tingle at my heartstrings. Richard and the Rebecca seem like a very realistic couple! Dynamic is good! Keep it realistic and keep that emotional power turned up to 11 and you will be solid!

6) As for the plot stuff, yeah, I really have no idea. I am not so proud as to not admit that I am lazy and the time of writing this, I have no idea what the overall story is. I hope to get around to it at some time, but being a college kid is hard work. Based on context, though, it seems pretty cool. Magic and fantasy mixed with a little bit of morally questionable activities. Sounds like a good time to me. Just make sure that when you talk about the issues that plague your MC's that you don't make it more confusing than it needs to be. Remember, characters have no idea that they are in a drama, so they shouldn't use dramatic language to describe something unless it's necessary. Your call.

Alright, that about sums it up for me! If you have any questions just reply to this review and I'll explain anything you need me to. Furthermore, if you didn't like this review (D:) then feel free to leave a scathing review on any of my works XD.

Last thing, despite all my criticisms, I really like your work. I have no idea how far you are along in your writing journey, but I would love to read more of your work (Yea, I'll try to get around to the first part too, my bad). Good luck!

Your neighborhood friendly jacka**,

Jimss




SilloriaD says...


Hello!
First I'd like to apologize for the lack of speaker tags. We recently did a dialogue exercise in my creative writing class and the goal was to include as few tags as possible and still have a solid work. I will admit I rushed to get this chapter out, as chapter two took me a few months and I REFUSE to do that again. As a matter of fact, you'd likely be able to tell that chapter two's latter half is written far better than it's first half- but it's still rushed. I will answer that Richard came into the room, but the family was too fixated on the hybrid girl to notice. So, when he intervened, it only SEEMED to be out of nowhere. I don't state it in the chapter because it's from the POV of someone who wouoldn't have noticed him come in.

I will also note that I haven't made them love interests, exactly. At least not yet. In the first chapter, it's made clear that Adrian believes they are, but Rebecca denies any romantic involvement.

I should have taken more time with the hybrid girl to describe what was occurring, you're absolutely correct. When I do a mass edit soon, I will take that, along with your other suggestions, into serious consideration.

I hope you get the time to look back at earlier chapters and catch up on the story. I'll likely comment here when the mass edit is through, and then when chapter four is up. I'm glad you enjoyed my work!

This chapter in particular will be longer after the edit, by the way. Revisiting it for extra information and character introductions wouldn't be a terrible idea.

Thanks!

-SilloriaD




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451