Young Writers Society

Hello there, Luata here for a review! I'm not sure if I've reviewed you before or not, so I'll go ahead and give you the run-down of my reviewing style. I divide my reviews into sections to try to make it easier for you to read, and of course, you are the author, not me, so take all of my suggestions however you would like. I am no expert so my opinions are coming from my personal aesthetic. Onward and upward!!

Overall

Having been going through some relationship **** for a long time now, this poem is really resonating with me. I'm sorry if I begin to ramble or let my emotional side hinder the review, but for some reason, this one really got to me. I enjoyed the flow of the poem, which I think significantly helped with the meaning of the poem (a sad melancholy rhythm to accompany the sad poem) and I loved reading it. That is a high compliment from me, since I hold flow in a very high regard when it comes to writing poetry.

i love you, she said
our imprints lasted longer than our trust
how often dreams would slowly turn to nightmares
in the weeks passing;
the stars would call to me
a light at the end of the tunnel.

i had realized that after all this time,
like her hair,
i felt alone

please come back, she said
her eyes were the stars and her tears the constellations;
now, i can't find the road back.

Oh yes. You know that I am here for a review. Since I already know some background from the poetry jam, let's jump right into this!

The first stanza gives us a start to the poem although I don't think it's the strongest stanza. It introduces the thought that this isn't that much of a stable relationship anymore. I think what fits the poem well is the speaker talking about how the words 'i love you' happened to be hollow in this first stanza while keeping the other things as well, but it's really your choice.

I enjoy the second line about imprints, but that imagery didn't really last long or have a lot of context. It could mean imprints in each other's way of thinking or perhaps just imprints in a bed and I'm sort of interpreting it as both since in the next line you bring up nightmares. The dreams turning into nightmares is something that I want to see expanded on with the imagery. How do they turn into nightmares? Is it sudden? Does it fade into becoming a nightmare? While the last two lines relate to the rest of the poem with the starlight, I think that'd be a better way to kick off and finish the first stanza.

The second stanza is one that I have thoughts on too and I like the repetition you have throughout this poem with each stanza starting out with a line that could be generic but you turn it into something more. I enjoyed how the girl in the poem was saying that as she was kissing someone else and and it adds more to her hypocrisy. The last three lines I don't think are as strong and that's because they lack the emotional weight from the first two. From how I'm interpreting it, the speaker is saying that the stars are or were their home. It feels worded awkwardly and I suggest reworking those last three lines.

Stanza three is my favorite in the poem, and that's because of the imagery that flows throughout it. The description of this girl is quite strong and while you're describing her physical appearance, it adds a strong sense of character to her. I think a period would be good after the fourth line and that the seventh line seems a little awkward and I would like to see that image expanded on a bit? The flow in the stanza could happen to be a little smoother, but other than that, you did a good job with it.

The last stanza is something that resonates with me, but here's where I wanted to point out that the rest of the poem is a bit lacking on the topic of stars. It can subtly be there without having to be the main topic of the poem, but I don't know how much you wanted that to be involved in the poem. The last stanza works for an ending, but I have a couple of things to say about the last line. It kind of feels a little repetitive with the first line being there already with 'please come back' and I wanted to know a little more about why she couldn't find her way back. What couldn't she find her way back to, everything of that sort.

Overall lovely poem. I hope I helped and have a great day! (You should write more poetry, by the way.)