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The Darknesses Resurgence Chapter 4

by Samk642


   As Mark landed the Eon Trespass he turned to Argon and said, "Alert my old fireteam. I'm going to need as much help as possible." Looking back at Ellie and her Ghost, he said, "Prepare to look onto the City. This can be confusing the first time, so I have ny oldest friends coming to help show you around and get you on your feet. I have some things that I need to attend to alone. Do you think you can handle it?"

     "Yes" replied the brave new Guardian, standing up to exit the ship. "When will you be back?" She asked.

     "Hopefully by tomorrow morning, if not by tomorrow evening." replied Mark. Pressing a button on the wall, the entrance opened and he said,"Welcome to the City, the Last Light of the Traveler."

     Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam, thanks to a called in favor, and well placed bribes. 

    "Josiah, Serendipity," said Mark, approaching his old partners," This is Ellie, she is a newborn Guardian, not even a day old. This is her first time in the City. I need you to show her around and let the Vanguard meet and register her."

     "Not a problem" said the Exo Titan, stepping forward and embracing Mark tightly. He leaned in and whispered in Mark's ear, "We'll watch over as long as you need us to."

     "Splendid" said the Warlock going over to meet her fellow Awoken. Shaking Ellie's hand, she said, "I'm Serendipity! It's nice to meet you."

     The younger Awoken looked timidly back and forth at the two Guardians.

     Mark looked both of them in the eye, and solemnly said, "Thank you. I know what I'm is a lot. I am in your debt again, my old friends."

     "It's what family is for, Mark" Serendipity said, hugging him. "Just stay with us now. We've missed you."

     "I know. And I have missed you." Mark replied, breaking off the hug. "Now, off to business" he said. With that remark, he turned on his heels and disappeared into the streets of the City.

     "Come with us now" said the Exo, turning the opposite direction. "We need to get you cleaned up to meet the Vanguard leader, Zavala."

     "Who's that?" asked Ellie looking at the large figure of metal before her.

     The Exo stopped. He was a gray and steel giant with glowing red eyes and mouth. He laughed, and simply motioned her to follow him.

     The sounds of the foundries echoed far off. Mark shook his head as he walked through shopping district of the City, looking around at all the little children running around, his very countenance quieting them. He turned to the path on his left, about to walk on, when he felt a tug on his old, tattered, cloak.

     "Do you have any food mister?" asked a boy no older than six. He was awfully skinny, but his eyes were bright and innocent.

     "Stay right here" said Mark. He turned to the nearest food vendor, and purchased several bags of food, and vitamins. He also made a small tab for the boy. Returning to the boy, with the groceries, he saw the boy's mother come and pick him up

     "Sorry Guardian, he didn't mean to distract you from what you were doing." Said the mother.

     "It's fine,"said Mark. "This is for your family though," He added, handing the groceries and a couple hundred glimmer to her. "You also have a small tab with that vendor, enough for a couple months of food."

     "Thank you-so much," began the mother, tearing up.

     Mark simply raised his hand and quietly said, to the grateful mother and child, "It's my job to care for humanity. And a child is the most desr thing to me." 

     Before Mark left, the boy handed him a small trinket. As he walked through the streets examining it with a curious look, he realized what it was. It was a carving of a warrior of the City. A long dead warrior. He walked on, fist closed around it, as a the tears slowly slid down his face.


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Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:37 pm
zaminami says...



sie sind das essen und wir sie die Jaegar

also do you still want me to review this? I know that it's been almost a year, but I wanted to ask anyway! :)




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Thu Oct 26, 2017 6:29 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam

This sounds like an exciting action sequence! Why rush through it? Let us see how cool he is in action.

Hmmm, there are more proper nouns that I don't understand--Exo Titan, Warlock. Are Awoken and Guardian used interchangeably? I feel like I should know what all this stuff means, but I'm confused.

I like that Mark's friends all treat each other with camaraderie and respect. I can see how Ellie would trust them after seeing them interact with each other. They seem like they stick out for one another, ya know? Also it's kind of him to look out for that boy. It makes me wonder where Mark gets so much that he can afford that--are Guardians really well paid?

I think the biggest thing this chapter lacks is setting and description. The characters sound like they're supposed to be these cool sci-fi things, but I don't know how to envision them. I'm not sure what the city looks like, and we go through several scenes that have a lot of potential for interesting backdrop, but very little is described. What about the shopping district is different to a modern-day earth district? What makes it all cool and sci-fi on this world? How is the city unique? What do the foundries add--is it just lots of noise, or also a smell and smoke and stuff? How crowded is it? How hot? Engage as many senses as you can, and see if you can really paint us a word picture of this city.

Good luck and happy writing!




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Thu Oct 26, 2017 5:41 pm
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here for the requested review! Sorry for the lateness! >.<

"Yes" replied the brave new Guardian, standing up to exit the ship.


I don't mind typos - we just can't avoid it - but I do mind unnecessary adjectives. It's okay if it's only one, but two seems too much to me. Here, it's present in the 'brave new Guardian' phrase, so I think you can choose either adjective. I suggest keeping the 'new', because 'brave' is something that is better shown than stated. At the same time, beware with the way you format your dialogue. It's a small error at this point, but it can get you in trouble if you maintain it. There should be a comma after 'Yes' and

"When will you be back?" She asked.


'She' shouldn't be capitalized. Keep these things in mind, or if you want to have a proper article about dialogue, feel free to explore this. In fact, check all of them. They're helpful and interesting to read.

Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam, thanks to a called in favor, and well placed bribes.


Does he really need to do all that? From what I've read (brief as it is) Mark seems like someone who has a high authority which he can use it to bypass the security easily.

"Not a problem" said the Exo Titan, stepping forward and embracing Mark tightly. He leaned in and whispered in Mark's ear, "We'll watch over as long as you need us to."


You do all this different reference quite too much. Like, I'm not sure which one is the Exo Titan - Josiah or Serendipity? - and I don't think either of them has to be described that way. Like, in this one too:

"Splendid" said the Warlock going over to meet her fellow Awoken. Shaking Ellie's hand, she said, "I'm Serendipity! It's nice to meet you."


Here we know Serendipity is the Warlock, but there's too much information being given to us. She's also a Guardian and an Awoken, something of which I don't have the idea. I think sticking to the plain 'he' or 'she' reference would keep the writing more readable as it maintains the focus we need to aim to the story right now.

The Exo stopped. He was a gray and steel giant with glowing red eyes and mouth. He laughed, and simply motioned her to follow him.

The sounds of the foundries echoed far off. Mark shook his head as he walked through shopping district of the City, looking around at all the little children running around, his very countenance quieting them. He turned to the path on his left, about to walk on, when he felt a tug on his old, tattered, cloak.


So here we have a switch of PoV, in which case you might want to make that clearer. Either give more space between the paragraphs or add in a little * in between (or something similar) would clue the reader about the change of scene.

I like the scene Mark has with the boy since it characterizes his personality, but I think you can execute it better. For one, the boy's state seems to be unnecessarily exaggerated. I mean, by saying he's very poor, you're reflecting the competence of the current government. If they can't see the need for the boy and instead have a guardian to see for that, then they aren't worth fighting for and need to be replaced. Unless it's a post-war situation, which would explain about the unpleasant state of the citizens.

The way Mark resolves the issue about the boy is too easy, in my opinion. I like how generous he is, particularly to children (though I wonder what 'desr' means) but it seems like he's more of a rich person instead of a guardian to buy the foods enough for a couple of months. It would be more powerful if he resolves it in a subtle way fitting for his position as a Guardian, unless all the Guardians are rich, which doesn't seem realistic.

The end there is perfect attention grabber. Who's the fallen warrior, why a figure of him is carved, and what does it have to do with Mark? It gives us a clue to Mark's sad past and propels us to read further.

And that is all! Overall, this chapter is okay. You just need to polish stuffs like dialogue and grammar, and also the way you use adjectives and descriptions of a person. Keep improving! :D




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Sun Oct 22, 2017 3:39 pm
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BlueAfrica wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here to review in response to your request in the General Review Repository.

So first I want to second what Kyll said, especially about the lack of description: we're just kind of floating around in nothingness right now. I feel like it's because this is fanfiction - unless it's an au, we're probably in a setting from the show (or book or movie or whatever) this is based on, which you're probably familiar with, so you didn't feel much need to describe it. But for anyone who's unfamiliar with the show (or book or movie or whatever), saying "the City" and leaving it at that doesn't tell us much.

I also feel like there was too much dialogue in comparison to narrative, but I think adding more description of where we are would fix that problem. Two birds, one stone!

My other big issue was that a lot of characters were thrown about here, especially toward the beginning of the chapter: Mark, Argon, Ellie and her Ghost, Josiah, Serendipity, the boy and his mother, and we also have the name Zavala, although that person isn't actually introduced here so it's not as big a deal. Again, I think this is because it's fanfiction and you already know who the characters are. Readers might not, however. At this point in the story, have they met Serendipity and Josiah? If not, we need a little more time with them, to figure out who they are. I found it hard to keep track of anyone other than Mark and Ellie, especially with titles like "the Exo Titan" and "the brave new Guardian" thrown around in addition to all the names.

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Samk642 says...


Thank you for reviewing. I do need to work on my ability to describe things, as I tend to be a rather blunt person. I will be putting to use the descriptions though. Thanks again for the review!!



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Sun Oct 22, 2017 12:07 am
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Kale wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here as requested to review this, and first things first, since this is a later chapter of your novel, something that would be really helpful to drop-in readers like me is to include a brief summary of the important events and characters so far so we can follow along a little better. Having a chapter summary at the start will also help you get more reviews faster since one of the big reasons why later novel chapters go without reviews for so long is because reviewers are intimidated by not knowing what happened in the rest of the story.

I've actually written an article on writing chapter summaries, which you can read here: Writing Chapter Summaries

Now, I haven't read any of the earlier chapters, and since I've got a list of works that I've promised to review, I probably won't read them unless you leave a request in my WRFF thread, so I'll be going into this review blind.

With that said, the main thing that struck me about this was how formal the dialogue is throughout this. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it did feel a bit stiff overall. If stiffness wasn't your intention, you may want to look into observing more casual interactions, or perhaps changing the context of the characters' interactions so that they occur in more formal settings that will justify the stiff formality.

As it stands though, Mark talks like he has a permanent stick up his butt, which doesn't quite match up with some of his other actions, such as dodging security and bribing people.

Continuing with the dialogue, I would recommend reading over this article on dialogue tags and how they work, as I noticed a lot of inconsistencies in how you punctuated your dialogue tags: Dialogue Punctuation

Something else you might want to consider is cutting down on the "s/he said", not by substituting "said" for a synonym, but by cutting them out entirely. For example:

"Hopefully by tomorrow morning, if not by tomorrow evening." replied Mark. Pressing a button on the wall, the entrance opened and he said,"Welcome to the City, the Last Light of the Traveler."

could be lightly reworked to:

"Hopefully by tomorrow morning, if not by tomorrow evening," replied Mark. He pressed a button on the wall, the [description of the entrance and how it opens] to reveal [a description of the city]. "Welcome to the City, the Last Light of the Traveler."


By cutting out the "s/he said" (and related forms), you free up a lot more room flow-wise for description or other information to be relayed to the reader. The suggestions I made in brackets are descriptions that I feel would fit particularly well in that spot, and thus give us readers something a bit more to latch onto as far as grounding ourselves in the setting.

As it stands, I currently have no idea of what the city even looks like, or how technologically advanced or not it is.

Which brings me to the dreaded dispensal of the nearly trite advice: show; don't tell.

I'm sure you've probably heard/seen that bit of advice before, and while I'm not normally a fan of it as I feel it gets pushed too hard with regards to only description, I do think it's something you should keep in the back of your mind because at the moment, you do a lot of telling without really showing us readers much.

Sparseness of description aside, this paragraph in particular stuck out as a case of where showing would have been much, much more engaging than telling:

Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam, thanks to a called in favor, and well placed bribes.

I understand that you want to get to the story-story, but this sentence right here was a huge missed opportunity to not only show us readers parts of the City in a very relevant and natural way, but also to characterize Mark more fully and showcase his relationship with the City's authorities as well as hint at his own position relative to the setting at large.

Show us readers how Mark makes it to his Fireteam with Ellie in two without getting caught, and this chapter will not only have a lot more action going for it, but it will also provide you with more opportunities to show off the world you've built for these characters to live in.




Samk642 says...


Thank you so much for reviewing this! Mark does seem crochety :) , and that's what his character is supposed to be like. As for the dialogue, I was in sore need of the tips! I'm not the greatest writer, or storybuilder, so thank you. I will be adding to the story, on how he got past the security. I hope you enjoyed the story though!!



Kale says...


You're very welcome! I'm glad you found my review helpful.

Since I hadn't read the earlier parts, I wasn't familiar with the characters or plot thus far, which made it hard to get into the story enough to enjoy it, but that's not a fault of the writing. It's more a case of "I don't know what's going on or why I should care?" which is why I recommended including a summary of events at the start of each chapter.




Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.
— Lemony Snicket