sie sind das essen und wir sie die Jaegar
also do you still want me to review this? I know that it's been almost a year, but I wanted to ask anyway! 
As Mark landed the Eon Trespass he turned to Argon and said, "Alert my old fireteam. I'm going to need as much help as possible." Looking back at Ellie and her Ghost, he said, "Prepare to look onto the City. This can be confusing the first time, so I have ny oldest friends coming to help show you around and get you on your feet. I have some things that I need to attend to alone. Do you think you can handle it?"
"Yes" replied the brave new Guardian, standing up to exit the ship. "When will you be back?" She asked.
"Hopefully by tomorrow morning, if not by tomorrow evening." replied Mark. Pressing a button on the wall, the entrance opened and he said,"Welcome to the City, the Last Light of the Traveler."
Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam, thanks to a called in favor, and well placed bribes.
"Josiah, Serendipity," said Mark, approaching his old partners," This is Ellie, she is a newborn Guardian, not even a day old. This is her first time in the City. I need you to show her around and let the Vanguard meet and register her."
"Not a problem" said the Exo Titan, stepping forward and embracing Mark tightly. He leaned in and whispered in Mark's ear, "We'll watch over as long as you need us to."
"Splendid" said the Warlock going over to meet her fellow Awoken. Shaking Ellie's hand, she said, "I'm Serendipity! It's nice to meet you."
The younger Awoken looked timidly back and forth at the two Guardians.
Mark looked both of them in the eye, and solemnly said, "Thank you. I know what I'm is a lot. I am in your debt again, my old friends."
"It's what family is for, Mark" Serendipity said, hugging him. "Just stay with us now. We've missed you."
"I know. And I have missed you." Mark replied, breaking off the hug. "Now, off to business" he said. With that remark, he turned on his heels and disappeared into the streets of the City.
"Come with us now" said the Exo, turning the opposite direction. "We need to get you cleaned up to meet the Vanguard leader, Zavala."
"Who's that?" asked Ellie looking at the large figure of metal before her.
The Exo stopped. He was a gray and steel giant with glowing red eyes and mouth. He laughed, and simply motioned her to follow him.
The sounds of the foundries echoed far off. Mark shook his head as he walked through shopping district of the City, looking around at all the little children running around, his very countenance quieting them. He turned to the path on his left, about to walk on, when he felt a tug on his old, tattered, cloak.
"Do you have any food mister?" asked a boy no older than six. He was awfully skinny, but his eyes were bright and innocent.
"Stay right here" said Mark. He turned to the nearest food vendor, and purchased several bags of food, and vitamins. He also made a small tab for the boy. Returning to the boy, with the groceries, he saw the boy's mother come and pick him up
"Sorry Guardian, he didn't mean to distract you from what you were doing." Said the mother.
"It's fine,"said Mark. "This is for your family though," He added, handing the groceries and a couple hundred glimmer to her. "You also have a small tab with that vendor, enough for a couple months of food."
"Thank you-so much," began the mother, tearing up.
Mark simply raised his hand and quietly said, to the grateful mother and child, "It's my job to care for humanity. And a child is the most desr thing to me."
Before Mark left, the boy handed him a small trinket. As he walked through the streets examining it with a curious look, he realized what it was. It was a carving of a warrior of the City. A long dead warrior. He walked on, fist closed around it, as a the tears slowly slid down his face.
sie sind das essen und wir sie die Jaegar
also do you still want me to review this? I know that it's been almost a year, but I wanted to ask anyway!
Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam
Hey, I'm here for the requested review! Sorry for the lateness! >.<
"Yes" replied the brave new Guardian, standing up to exit the ship.
"When will you be back?" She asked.
Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam, thanks to a called in favor, and well placed bribes.
"Not a problem" said the Exo Titan, stepping forward and embracing Mark tightly. He leaned in and whispered in Mark's ear, "We'll watch over as long as you need us to."
"Splendid" said the Warlock going over to meet her fellow Awoken. Shaking Ellie's hand, she said, "I'm Serendipity! It's nice to meet you."
The Exo stopped. He was a gray and steel giant with glowing red eyes and mouth. He laughed, and simply motioned her to follow him.
The sounds of the foundries echoed far off. Mark shook his head as he walked through shopping district of the City, looking around at all the little children running around, his very countenance quieting them. He turned to the path on his left, about to walk on, when he felt a tug on his old, tattered, cloak.
Hi there! I'm here to review in response to your request in the General Review Repository.
So first I want to second what Kyll said, especially about the lack of description: we're just kind of floating around in nothingness right now. I feel like it's because this is fanfiction - unless it's an au, we're probably in a setting from the show (or book or movie or whatever) this is based on, which you're probably familiar with, so you didn't feel much need to describe it. But for anyone who's unfamiliar with the show (or book or movie or whatever), saying "the City" and leaving it at that doesn't tell us much.
I also feel like there was too much dialogue in comparison to narrative, but I think adding more description of where we are would fix that problem. Two birds, one stone!
My other big issue was that a lot of characters were thrown about here, especially toward the beginning of the chapter: Mark, Argon, Ellie and her Ghost, Josiah, Serendipity, the boy and his mother, and we also have the name Zavala, although that person isn't actually introduced here so it's not as big a deal. Again, I think this is because it's fanfiction and you already know who the characters are. Readers might not, however. At this point in the story, have they met Serendipity and Josiah? If not, we need a little more time with them, to figure out who they are. I found it hard to keep track of anyone other than Mark and Ellie, especially with titles like "the Exo Titan" and "the brave new Guardian" thrown around in addition to all the names.
Hey there! I'm here as requested to review this, and first things first, since this is a later chapter of your novel, something that would be really helpful to drop-in readers like me is to include a brief summary of the important events and characters so far so we can follow along a little better. Having a chapter summary at the start will also help you get more reviews faster since one of the big reasons why later novel chapters go without reviews for so long is because reviewers are intimidated by not knowing what happened in the rest of the story.
I've actually written an article on writing chapter summaries, which you can read here: Writing Chapter Summaries
Now, I haven't read any of the earlier chapters, and since I've got a list of works that I've promised to review, I probably won't read them unless you leave a request in my WRFF thread, so I'll be going into this review blind.
With that said, the main thing that struck me about this was how formal the dialogue is throughout this. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it did feel a bit stiff overall. If stiffness wasn't your intention, you may want to look into observing more casual interactions, or perhaps changing the context of the characters' interactions so that they occur in more formal settings that will justify the stiff formality.
As it stands though, Mark talks like he has a permanent stick up his butt, which doesn't quite match up with some of his other actions, such as dodging security and bribing people.
Continuing with the dialogue, I would recommend reading over this article on dialogue tags and how they work, as I noticed a lot of inconsistencies in how you punctuated your dialogue tags: Dialogue Punctuation
Something else you might want to consider is cutting down on the "s/he said", not by substituting "said" for a synonym, but by cutting them out entirely. For example:
"Hopefully by tomorrow morning, if not by tomorrow evening." replied Mark. Pressing a button on the wall, the entrance opened and he said,"Welcome to the City, the Last Light of the Traveler."
"Hopefully by tomorrow morning, if not by tomorrow evening," replied Mark. He pressed a button on the wall, the [description of the entrance and how it opens] to reveal [a description of the city]. "Welcome to the City, the Last Light of the Traveler."
Mark managed to dodge security and get Ellie to his to his Fireteam, thanks to a called in favor, and well placed bribes.
, and that's what his character is supposed to be like. As for the dialogue, I was in sore need of the tips! I'm not the greatest writer, or storybuilder, so thank you. I will be adding to the story, on how he got past the security. I hope you enjoyed the story though!!
120,203 Literary Works • 649,065 Reviews
Points: 15630
Reviews: 364
Donate