Al-righty. I said I felt as if I did you some injustice, and I've returned to answer questions in order to correct such injustice. Sorry for the crappy review, hopefully this time I'll be clearer.
(Yes I'm reviewing this twice. This time more direct bullet point questions. Don't judge me.)
P.S If you read the beginning, you in theory should have a very clear idea about where his name comes from. It has nothing to do with his powers.
The Laughing Death activated some odd light that appeared near him, everyone in the city died, and then after he processed what happened he broke and started laughing. Thanks to magic super powers making the laugh really loud, mixed with the timing, he got that title.
Any advice on how i could make that clearer would be nice.
The italicized part sort of confirmed the theory I had in my review where I initially thought "the laughing death just makes the person so flabbergasted that they start laughing maniacally" so if you want more input, I think you executed it well enough. Sharpen what you have but don't cut it out entirely, it's already on track. Sorry for giving the impression otherwise, I had the idea but I was questioning the concept as a whole.
1.) Under 2000 words, so that people are more inclined to read and review it. -top priority
Not a bad idea, but when push comes to shove you could always just chop the chapter into bits and pretend it's another chapter. Not exactly the best way to go about things though, so if you want to start trimming, just a bit of advice--consider everything that doesn't relate to the main plotline expendable. But don't delete them willy-nilly. If you like certain sentences that are just a bit flowery and only serve a tangential purpose, save them in another file and delete them in your main story. Trust me, it'll save you the trouble when you realize you might need it again.
Things to trim out might include flowery language (why use a sentence of description when you only need a word?), certain dialogue that goes nowhere (small talk is what I'm thinking, but some small talk serve a good purpose in character building) and etc.. But generally speaking the best way to know what to cut and what not to cut is to ask "Does this serve a purpose to the story?" and "Is that purpose necessary?" This might seem a little obvious to you, but trust me, it's easy to get attached to a phrase or two that might not follow those two questions.
2.) Give basic idea of the Laughing Death as someone unstable, detached, and if possible hint at his habit to laugh when stressed or unsure about something. (failed at last one)
Unstable and detached may seem a little far-off, but I can get laughing in stressed situations. I mean, in this chapter the Death seemed to buy donuts with a calm and collected appearance, so he doesn't seem detached or unstable. Detached, maybe if you stretch it, but unstable might not be it.
3.) Present Marie as incredibly impulsive. (yes)
The sword event, yes, and a lot of other things too. Good job on that part.
4.) Give the reader lots of impressions that the laughing death is like a burn victim, or has skin textured like coal, in order to give readers a beginning false impression of his powers without actually showing them. (I saw no comments on his powers, so no idea)
"My skin had been burnt black. Rather than bubbling, peeling away, or even getting scratched, it is like my skin was painted a jet black."
I'd imagine coal to be a little rough, but as you paint it I imagined his skin to be like crude oil, considering you say it doesn't peel away or bubble or anything. I mean you do say black, I grant you that, but instead of mentioning what it isn't it's worth just saying his skin was cracked and jet black (not in my words, of course, but you get the point.)
5.) Give Marie room to show how capable she is at reading people despite her age, which she learned thanks to her job of trying to get people into the bakery. This skill will be the key to most of her later heroics. (I ended up messing up and not including this, and my short term hints at it were mistaken for something bad, need to fix that)
May or may not be your first idea since it's sort of obvious, but linking this part to number 2 (that being the Laughing Death is detached and unstable) is a good idea. Like, the Death looks calm but Marie can tell from the way his eyes sort of glance around nervously and how his hands shake when taking the donuts that he's anxious of something. Strike two birds with one stone.
6.) Make sure the reader realizes that the old baker is like a grandfather, rather then actually being one. If possible make hints at how she ended up working there in the first place. If not try to reflect on it after 4-5 chapters, in order to give a even better idea on Marie's nature that can not be shown in the present tense events of the story. (failed)
Not sure about this one yet. I stand by what I said about the grumpy grandpa stereotype, but I've warmed up to the character archetype. Hey, I've written plenty of grumpy grandpas, I can't hate on them. But the way to make a character like that likeable is to give him a good, grinding dialogue, the sort that calls out things the other characters may not even realize. Alternatively, a good and sad backstory scarcely ever fails, and the story of how Marie worked there could be that interesting backstory.
7.) Present grandfather figure as a wise old wannabe poet. (didn't show at all)
Unfortunately I concur. I mean, that explains why he thinks the stupid names were 'poetic' (did he make those names?) but I sort of read that as an old guy calling out the young'ins for being dense or something. Actually, if you could make that part of the dialogue and have Marie reply with "Well, it's more poetic than anything you'll ever write" or something else incredibly condescending, and have the grandpa reply, it'd actually make good dialogue between the two that also serves as characterization for the grandpa (and to some extent Marie).
8.) End chapter on a childish sense of responsibility and consequences, reason and logic would be weird out of a 14 year olds mind given her planned impulsiveness. (yes)
Yeah. Pretty much, yeah.
Also, extra--I just realized I wanted to ask about the background. The worldbuilding in general seems confusing, as obviously the characters act like they're in a modern age, but the premise sounds incredibly fantasy medieval-ish and the sword doesn't help. It's very blurry here, but since you didn't mention it on your to-do list I imagine it's something for the other chapters. Still, it's best to establish it as early as possible, at least in my opinion.
Sorry for the other crappy review,
--Elliot.
Points: 19607
Reviews: 383
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