We sit across from each other
and we chew.
I thought I loved her so much I couldn't look at her,
but I just couldn't look at her.
I feel guilty for wanting her praise.
"You can't base your self worth on my words"
"It's not your responsibility to make me happy"
"I'm not sure what you want from me but I don't think I can give it to you"
I wanted a partnership.
Kind words passed like notes in class.
Being each others hype men when we came up with something new.
Critiques given in hugs and soft voices.
The world is so hard already-
Do we have to make this relationship out of stone?
Let's make it out of food.
Soft bread and warm mashed potatoes.
Give me a savory steak that I can sink my teeth into.
Conversations held up on coffee cup bridges.
These gaps just need a couple more menus.
I can't seem to look at her.
She's right across the table
But my eyes won't move.
Wood grain trails lead to her fingertips and I wish I could touch them without aching.
This fear and shame of wanting what she says she cannot give.
The worry that she might take more than I have even as I covet her mind.
I'm so selfish and it breaks me that she knows it but stays,
I feel that she must hate me even as she says I love you,
Can I love her when I can't even see her past my own inadequacies?
Can I love her when I don't even know who I am most days?
Can I love her when everything I want is what she told me not to?
My belly is full of stones
But I'm hungry,
So I chew.