Young Writers Society

oh ty, you wound me so

Not gonna lie I've attempted to review this twice already just cause it hits me in all the good spots but, like so much of your work, I find myself intimidated doing it? I'm still gonna try cause it deserves it, truly.

So let's give 'er the old college try, eh?

First your edits were definitely on point. Some of the language was rather jarring when initially posted (i.e. 'sailor's bones spirits' or however that went). I found myself tripping over it despite the fact that I appreciated the challenge of it more if that makes any sense? In this case, sacrificing that edge was a necessary evil cause it flows just that much better.

On a critical note, I'm not sure how I feel about the white space before 'we think'. I appreciate the emphasis especially when leading into a false dichotomy, however, I might be more inclined to suggest scrapping those few words entirely. Seems that the notion that this false dichotomy is one that belongs to you and yours is sort of implied already through its very nature of existing.

Your choice of imagery in the fourth stanza is rather interesting. I'm curious as to the use of making the childish violent through the use of the lancet gun. Seems to me the drug of choice is much more internalized than an external, physical something. I could be interpreting that differently, however.

Second line in the first stanza feels rather political in that snappy tongue-in-cheek sort of manner. Not sure if it jives with the rest of the poem but I dig the idea.

The third and fifth stanza put me on the floor. Quite literally.

You're on a whole other level. I think you know that cause it's showing in your writing more so than it ever has before.

B

Hey there, Cailey here with a review.
First of all, I love love love love the beginning. Those first two sections were like a punch in the gut in the best way possible. It felt like nothing I had ever read before, new and fresh and powerful.

I think the formatting works really well for you, even the use of italics in part iv.
"sailor's bones spirit" confused me a little, but I think it works and I just missed it. However, when reading this out loud the flow does get a little harder to catch in the two lines following sailor's bones spirit. That is such a beautiful combination of sounds and so soft with all the "s" so you have to slow down to read it, but then if you read the next line slowly, bile just sounds so abrupt at the end. Then the last line of that stanza goes back to a more normal rhythm, but since I'm still trying to figure out what pace to read it it felt maybe too long?
I'm not sure how helpful this information is or what you might change or if you even want to change, but I figured sometimes even incoherent rambling can be helpful as you know where the reader stumbles a little.

"shaped as lancet guns" I would write as "shaped like lancet guns" just because I feel like that's how most people talk. but it isn't wrong and of course this is your poem.

Is lokus supposed to be the locust? Is it a different spelling? Or something else entirely? I've just never seen that before. I really love that whole stanza, though, except for the end. All of a sudden I'm a little too confused. Are the pez candies actually just drugs? Is there even a real pez dispenser? The boundary between metaphor and physical gets a little lost here. Also "I don't like that" just feels so much less strong than the rest of your piece. Don't be afraid to get a little weird with the language here, too, and think outside the normal ways we would express discontent or sadness or disappointment or whichever emotion you are searching for here.

And the last stanza just didn't feel anywhere near as strong as the rest of the poem. It's weird to have repetition right at the end when there wasn't any repetition in the rest of the poem. Plus it's so telling and so straightforward where I liked that the rest of your poem is built on images. Turn this line into an image!

But, honestly, I love this poem and if you do end up working on it some more I would love to see another version as well. I'm a huge fan. Gosh those first two stanzas speak to my heart. I also don't understand the title and would look it up if I had more time, but I like the way it sounds and I like how unique it is.