z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Chapter 1.3 (Unknown Title)

by Arouet


Alex stood there and thought about the situation. What do I do now? There was only one logical solution she could come up with, even though she doubted its effectiveness. So she turned around and started on her way to the police station.

She arrived at the police station after taking a little jog; she was wondering whether jogging was even worth it in this heat, but she decided that sooner was better than later. The police station wasn’t very appealing as there was littering all across the street in front of it, it was most likely because there were more serious matters to deal with on a daily basis than organising a group of volunteers to pick up rubbish. Rubbish was the least of India’s concern, even if the police wanted to establish a group to help clean the city, Alex doubted that they would get a lot of volunteers to make any progress at all.

The biggest problem India has, however, is corruption. The police, the government, corporations and even the leaders of India themselves are corrupt. It’s quite strange because the police are almost the same as a mafia, if you think about it hard enough; but in a way, they are worse than a normal mafia because there are no repercussions other than being killed or used a scapegoat for the press. Police officers dish out beatings and mutilate those who steal, they steal themselves ironically, and they help drug rings import and export drugs all across the world among other unspeakable activities. India is a special kind of poison on this earth. But hell, it is remarkably beautiful when you disregard everything else.

On her way to the station Alex thought that telling the police what happened was the only way there was any possibility she was getting her stuff back, no matter how much she doubted their capabilities. She simply did not have the resources.

She entered the station and walked straight over to the receptionist, she stood at the front desk for several minutes in silence as the receptionist typed away on his computer. She had been there a few weeks before to get the information about recent crimes in the area, so she was familiar about how things were done around there, including the fact that the receptionist was a huge asshole.

The receptionist was a man, unlike western stereotypes. A lot of jobs are done by men exclusively because of India’s obsession over masculinity, whilst only the feminine jobs are done by women such as running laundromats, fabric factories, selling clothes in stalls and only a handful more. Although, there are plenty of women who make it quite successful,  but most of those women leave India after a while.

The receptionist had made eye contact with Alex several times already, but he kept on typing away at his computer and lifted a finger every now and then to say “Almost done.” Alex stood quietly, waiting for him to finish his ‘work’.

Prick.

At her last visit she would inquire about how long she would have to wait and she was left waiting excruciatingly long before he was done. It seemed he made it his little game to leave tourists waiting longer the more they attempted to get his attention; it was most likely his only source of entertainment.

After ten minutes of standing in silence the receptionist got bored and asked her what she wanted.

“I’d like to see Detective Joshi if he is available.” Alex said.

Detective Aarav Joshi was the man who helped Alex gather the data for crimes in the area, as well as help her compile all the data into information that could be understood. This helped her see the pattern of the crimes in the area, although it did result in her becoming one of the statistics. She was also glad that she just so happened to be complying with one of the very few good cops in the precinct.

The receptionist nodded and picked up the phone to let Det. Joshi know that there was a white woman asking for him. After a moment or two of clarifying he put the phone down and told Alex that he’s ready to see her.

She walked down a rundown hallway until she saw a door with the title ‘Det. Aarav Joshi’. She knocked on the door and heard some rustling. She also heard the clanging of a bottle or two that she suspected was liquor that he was trying to hide. He called her in.

Alex opened the door to an average looking Indian man other than being unusually paler than most. He also had a lazy eye that Alex found distracting at first but eventually got used to. He was sitting at his desk, day old stubble and ruffled hair indicated that he hadn’t bathed today, a blanket on the floor added that he probably slept the night at the office. But what gave away the fact that he slept at the office the most was because he had red sleep lines all across his forehead from falling asleep on his arms. He looked at Alex and gave her a sleepy smile.

“And what may I do for the FBI today?” he said, a little slurred.


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Sun Sep 25, 2016 3:22 am
Kale wrote a review...



This review has been brought to you by RevMo.

Now, I haven't read the previous parts, so if I bring up something that was already addressed earlier in the story, feel free to disregard me. Especially since this is part of a chapter. I'm honestly wondering why you've split the first chapter into so many parts, unless the earlier scenes were fairly long. As a first impression, though, it strikes me as being a bit excessive with how short this section was.

The biggest issue with this part was how it was mostly telling rather than showing. For example, the entire paragraph about the biggest problem about India is an infodump about all the ways India is a problem, and it has no direct relation to what's going on in the story at the time.

A more effective (and engaging for your readers) way to convey this information would be to couch it in the actions of your characters. For example, you could have your narrator describe the scene as she is walking down the street in such offhanded ways as "she wrinkled her nose; the rubbish stank in the street, and she picked up her pace to escape the smell" or "she passed the shop where some officers had robbed a robber and mugged the owner" rather than straight-up saying that there's a litter problem or that the police are corrupt.

I also think that a fair chunk of the information told us in this chapter is either irrelevant or redundant. How necessary for the story right now is it to know that the police in India are involved in the international drug trade? If the answer is "not very necessary", then trimming out that piece of information would help keep the story focused on the action (which is important considering your choice of genre). Additionally, some pieces of information are repeated, such as the police being corrupt, and while repetition can be used to great effect, rehashing information already covered without much space between just clutters up the narration and slows down the action.

I'd recommend going through this and seeing if you can identify the main ideas of each paragraph (even story paragraphs have main ideas) and sentence. If you have repeated ideas close together, I'd recommend trimming the repetitions out and seeing what that does to the flow of action, as well as seeing if you can find ways to more creatively slip in the information into the characters' actions.




Arouet says...


Hey there! Thanks for the review, I 100% agree that some paragraphs are quite an info dump. Also, great advice about how to 'introduce' the facts, I'll keep it in mind from now on.
The crime and especially the drug trade in India is quite relevant to the story, as much as the information may seem quite excessive at certain parts, none of it is irrelevant.

Thanks again for this great review, I hope you read my previous parts sometime :P



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Sun Sep 25, 2016 12:03 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! Thought I'd drop by for a quick review on this lovely Review Day.

Overall, this is a fairly solid, if short chapter. I like how Alex is so no-nonsense about this - even though she doesn't like the police, she recognizes that this is the best way to try to get her stuff back, and so she uses her resources.

The biggest thing I noticed is that there's not really a sense of tension - while it's great that Alex is no-nonsense about this, it also doesn't feel that urgent for her to get her stuff back because of the extremely calm and almost dispassionate way she's reacting to the problem.

The biggest problem India has, however, is corruption. The police, the government, corporations and even the leaders of India themselves are corrupt.

I have mixed feelings about this paragraph. It just feels like too much telling, not to mention that it feels like a very one-sided view of India. I think the problem is that this feels too much like it's the author speaking here, and not the character, even though I think you're trying to say that that's what Alex thinks of India. I think, if you tie these thoughts more closely to Alex, by including an "Alex thought" in there, or maybe an anecdote about a time when someone Alex knew was a victim of the police and general corruption.

She was also glad that she just so happened to be complying with one of the very few good cops in the precinct.

"Complying" is used incorrectly here. I think that "working with" would make more sense in context. "Complying" implies that she's being forced to do what he wants, which I don't think is what you were going for.

At her last visit she would inquire about how long she would have to wait and she was left waiting excruciatingly long before he was done

It should be "had inquired" instead of "would inquire.

The ending was definitely interesting - I'd be curious to see what the heck is going on with the detective.

And that's all I've got for you today! Good luck, and keep writing!




Arouet says...


Hey, Mea! Thanks for the review, you made some good points about my work and I'll be sure to straighten them out when I edit it.

Thanks again! Seeya.



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Wed Sep 07, 2016 4:39 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Ooh, yay! Another half-chapter. Wait, third-chapter? :p Okay, you know that I love your writing and this story. So I'm not going to focus on telling you that, this time I'll try and find lots of things to pick on to make it even better than it already is.

Alex stood there and thought about the situation. What do I do now?
I really love it when you directly write her thoughts in italics, some more of that would be cool.

She arrived at the police station after taking a little jog; she was wondering whether jogging was even worth it in this heat.
Why did she take a jog? Did she want to get to the police station in a hurry, or was it more of a leisurely jog to try and calm her down after being so horribly tricked?

and they help out drug rings import and export drugs all across the world among other unspeakable activities.
The 'out' is not needed here, it's just an extra, unnecessary word.

This part of the chapter is probably my favourite, your writing was so beautiful and descriptive! I loved the added details like the receptionist being a man (I have to admit that at first I imagined a woman) and the detective's lazy eye. I'm looking forward to the next part/chapter.




Arouet says...


Hey, Drac! I'm really glad you're enjoying my work, it means a lot.
Thanks for pointing out those few inconsistencies, I have edited and re-published the new version. Should be better now.
Also, I don't suppose you found any parts confusing to read or any sentences where the tenses are a little jumbled. I mean, I try to avoid it as much as I can but sleep deprivation and revision don't go too well together.

Thanks again!
Seeya.



Dracula says...


No problem! Nothing stood out to me when I first read through, so you did really well with the tenses this time. I spent some extra time going through it for you just now and found a couple:

--She had been here a few weeks before to get the information about recent crimes in the area, so she was familiar about how things were done around there, including the fact that the receptionist is a huge asshole. (was a huge asshole)

--After a moment or two of clarifying he put the phone down and told Alex that he%u2019s ready to see her. (he was ready to see her)

But like I said, I didn't notice anything the first time. So your tenses are pretty well fine. :D



Arouet says...


Awesome, thanks again.



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When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb