Young Writers Society

Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in a quick review. To start I know you might not see this nor change an almost 20-year-old work However I hope to still share my thoughts. For an older work might I say this is very underrated and should get more love. Both the energy and imagery in this work were breathtaking almost gothic feeling. I don't know why but it feels like something that would be put in the prologue for a grim romantic thriller.

Overall there is one line I would change ever so slightly." I break the seal on perfection" The on doesn't feel quite right perhaps something like " I break the seal of perfection" However that also feels a bit off as I am no professional.

As always I hope you going well wherever you are. Keep writing and remember to drink water!

This is super beautiful do you think I can use this in my story if I give you credit?

It sits there like a photograph,
a still life painted
in the corners of my mind.
Leaning closer, I brush aside the cobwebs
and taste the colours on my fingertips;
remember the smell
of fresh-mown grass on a summer’s evening.
Those were the nights when I would
watch the watercolour sunset
fast-forward into grey mist.

Static.
Adjust my mind, clear the picture –
I step outside.

The night is thick and warm, my skin is pale
in the twilight shadows of an indigo pool.
I break the seal on perfection
making the stars shiver,
sliding beneath the water without a sound.
And the place I remember most,
fragmented by half-formed thoughts,
slips from my hands like a dream
and ripples away
in the non-existent breeze of time


Great poem:)

Need it be said again? This is excellent. You describe everything so beautifully, your use of imagery is great - watercolour sunset, tasting colours on your fingertips...Also, I like the way you made the change of scene a separate, short stanza. Great work.

Only one suggestion: Change the title.

Only one description: Beautiful.

Great images. Great wording. Great feel. Great job.

This is really beautiful Bubbles. Kind of feel like I've come out of a trance after reading that...

I love;

"Leaning closer, I brush aside the cobwebs
and taste the colours on my fingertips;'

and

"in the twilight shadows of an indigo pool."

and

"the non-existent breeze of time".

I wish I could be more helpful, but I think I'm in love with this...amazing.

Wow, I really liked it, especcially all the wonderful imagery and emotions. Two thing would make it better: 1. Abetter title (this one sounds like skinny-dipping, no offense) and 2. Punctuation.

this IS a good poem--why i cant write like you...i may never know.

"Ripples" is good...Thanks for your suggestions. I used "Indigo" when I posted this on Fiction Press, which seemed to go down well. I'll have to keep thinking though, as I have yet to find a title that seems to fit to me. I'm very fussy with titles, LOL. Sometimes I write for a title, other times I fuss over them until I get it just right...I guess this is going to be one of those times.

Midnight Swim is a good title. You could use 'Ripples', I like that one.

Midnight Swim fits it very well, actually. I think it would be good for this poem.

The description in this poem was the best overall. Very good and thorough, I love it.

Thanks for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Does anyone have any title suggestions? I think "Midnight Swim" is kinda mundane but I was in a hurry at the time and just tacked it on...any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

I'm not a fan of poetry, but I read this and for once, I was really impressed and engrossed by a poem.

I can't comment on it much, I'm nothing of a poet, but it sounds and reads excellently. This was really really good.

Wow...

This is excellent. Your structure and descriptions are flawless, and there are so many lines here that are just plain awesome; my favorite being "in the twilight shadows of an indigo pool." And you capture the scene just right...

This is now my favorite poem. Anywhere.

Positively, absolutely superb.