E - Everyone

A Good Story

Ayita held it tightly against her chest, though she was taking care not to damage it. There was a binder in her arms. It was pink, and the label on it said: Science, but it hadn't been used for science in a little over a year. It has been used for something far more precious. She was standing out in the darkened hallway of her house. Her dad was in his home office. He almost always was, though she knew full well that he didn't like it that way.

The plain crème walls were adorned in family photos, but she had passed them so often that they didn't even register in her mind anymore. The rest of the house was asleep. It was about eleven o'clock. Ayita had wanted to wait until morning to show her father, but she couldn't sleep, the binder constantly hovering on the edge of her mind.

The office door was open a crack, bathing her right eye in yellow light. She could see her father's back,  and heard the quick tapping of laptop keys. She had always envied her father's ability to type so swiftly, but her loyalties lied with the purple pen on her desk. The purple pen that provided its ink onto the paper she was holding.

She watched, with bated breath, contemplating what she was about to do. Surely, it could wait until the next day. Much to her dismay, her thoughts strayed back to where she was several minutes ago. How she tossed and turned nervously in her bed, like that binder that had been floating tantalizingly around her mind was trying to burst out and be shown to the world.

But the other part of her mind stopped this memory. It told her that perhaps her father wouldn't like it. He was so experienced, he was published for crying out loud! How would he feel about this pamphlet of a novel?  She decided that it wasn't worth it. She couldn't possibly show him. He wouldn't care about this stuff. She took a step back, and heard the tapping cease. She drew in a sharp breath.

"Is anyone out there?" He asked.

Ayita contemplated her choices. She could either abandon her quest, or show her father the only thing that had plagued her mind for this entire year. She barely finished wondering this when the door opened.

"Ayita, what are you doing awake?" Her father asked. He looked older than he was. Silver hairs poked out of his closely-cropped black hair. He had a couple wrinkles on his forehead.

"Um... I was just going to get a glass of water." Ayita lied.

Her father raised an eyebrow. "With a folder?"

"Uh... I- I have something I want to show you." Ayita blurted out.

"Really?"

"That is... if you're not too busy, I mean..." Ayita peered over her dad's shoulder to his computer screen. Chapter Sixteen, it said.

"No, I've got some time." Her father said, looking quite confused."

"Okay," She thrust the folder into her father's chest. "I've been writing this all year."

"What is it?"

"It's a story that I wrote. A novel, really. Well, goodnight." Ayita then abandoned the quest, walking down the hallway and retreating into her room.

For the next several weeks, there was no word from Ayita's father. He never mentioned it once. Ayita began to wonder if he even remembered her novel. She was quite saddened by this, she had put all of herself into the novel. She could remember the initial idea. She could remember planning the novel, writing down the chapters, the pain and embarrassment of editing, and the pride when she finally finished. She could remember wanting to show her friends desperately, but she decided that her dad should see it first. Five weeks later, she walked into her room, wanting to read. She picked up a book, and went to flop on her bed.

The only problem was, something was already sitting on it. A familiar pink folder. On it, was a sticky note that said:

A good story.


Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Holysocks
Review

Hey there! How about a review?

It's pretty easy for many of us to relate to this story, I think- being writer's and all! I know whenever I show someone my work my tummy stays in knots until I find out what they think for some reason. This was a sweet story. c:

the label on it said: Science, but it hadn't been used for science in a little over a year.


I found I could really relate to this line and I liked it because I used to do the same thing with notebooks/binders; mark them one thing and then hardly use them for that thing and then recycle! I just thought it was a nice bit of realism that you put in there.

She then thought about where she had been several minutes ago, tossing and turning in her bed, her carefully made covers tossed carelessly onto her clean floor.


I found the transition from the line before this to this sentence to be a bit awkward. I'm not sure how you could fix it though- maybe try reading it out loud and see what you think. I also thought it was a little odd that she was remembering not being able to sleep like she was kind of realizing that she needed to show her novel to her dad if she wanted to sleep- but then she went into the bit where she was deciding that she wasn't going to show it- it just seemed a little contradictory? Something that might help is if you let yourself write a little more in this paragraph about her conflicting feelings- because it felt a bit rushed.

"Uh... I have something I want to show you." Ayita blurted out.


Pretty much everything I thought you did great with in this short, but your dialogue felt a little forced. I personally think Ayita would have stammered a lot more before she managed to say that she wanted to show something to her father- so again it felt a little rushed. Maybe try slowing it down a bit and really letting the characters have a convo. :p

For the next several weeks, there was no word from Ayita's father.


I would be SO stressed oh my goodness. I feel like the father could have been a little more considerate? I mean, he's a writer too- he must know what it's like! I mean, I have heard of writer parents that aren't very considerate when it comes to their kids work... but I still feel like a little encouragement sooner was needed.

She was quite saddened by this, she had put all of herself into the novel. Five weeks later, she walked into her room, wanting to read.


Again, I feel like you rushed this bit! Tell us a little more how she feels about her father not saying anything- I know I would be heartbroken and a little miffed to be quite frank. It's not an easy feat to write a novel! So I feel like there would be more emotions that you could share with us. It would help us to really connect well with your character too, I think.

Overall great job! I'm looking forward to reading more by you! ^_^ Keep it up!

-Socks

Thanks for the kind words! I'll fix this right up. I REALLY appreciate all that stuff you said. I'd never have been able to spot those things.

You're welcome! c:

User avatar
Junel
Review
Junel wrote a review · Wed Aug 03, 2016 9:48 pm

Hey, this is well, A good story. Ok, I just had to do that, but yeah this was awesome.

Grammatical Etc. errors:

She watched, with bated breath, contemplating what she was about to do. Surely, it could wait until the next day. She then flashed back to where she had been several minutes ago, tossing and turning in her bed, her carefully made covers tossed carelessly onto her clean floor. She decided that it wasn't worth it. She couldn't possibly show him. He didn't care about this stuff. She took a step back, and heard the tapping cease. She drew in a sharp breath.

This is the only part that seems to have any problem. Anyway here you say she goes back to her room, but then she is still outside the door of her dad's office? So I think you meant she contemplates returning to her room instead of actually doing this, but they way it is currently written she actually does it.

Otherwise this is really great, you get the point across quickly and well. You also really connected with me, probably because I am a writer (like everyone else on this site), but it is really well done. The way that you describe things like her folder, and the purple pen reminds me when I used to write my stories by hand and had folders for them that were reused from school. This was a fun, happy, and quick read. I loved it.

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel

Thanks! I appreciate a good pun. XD
That paragraph was a flashback to where she was before she got to her father's office door. Thank you so much for the compliments!

Oh, idk know how, but you might want to make that to make it more clear because when you say flashed back it can be interpreted as here just rushing back.

Alrighty! Thank you much! :D



Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
— Alison Billet