z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

My Life in a Bizarre Town: Chapter 9

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

5:48PM; Haru’s house…

I was lying on my bed with the earphones to my IPhone 5 plugged into both of my ears, listening to some Fall Out Boy. I was exhausted; I was chased by Elizabeth for about two hours and made it back to my house, safely, without receiving any physical damage from the previous ordeal; so, now, I’m just lying in bed, refusing to go outside because I still have the lingering feeling that she’s still out there, waiting for me…wait a minute, what the hell am I thinking? I’m portraying her as some sort of monster that wants to tear me limb-from-limb, but she isn’t like that and much of her getting angry was my fault. Maybe, tomorrow, I should apologize to her and see if she will forgive me.

I got out of bed and walked over to my window curtains, opening them up and taking a peak outside. To my luck, Elizabeth wasn’t anywhere in the backyard, and I doubt she would be in the front porch, either. “Thank God, I thought for sure she’d be outside,” I sighed, personally, as a reassuring grin appeared on my face.

Closing the curtains, I was about to lie back down in my bed when, suddenly, I heard a knock at my bedroom door. “Come in!” I announced. Right when the door opened, I saw a tired Keiko stumbling into my room, heavily breathing with droplets of sweat falling from her face; also, she was dressed like a waitress. “H-hey, Haru, how was your date?” she asked, breathing heavily as she could barely stand.

“Keiko, what happened to you and why are you dressed like a waitress?” I pointed out, inquisitively.

Regaining her composure, she took a deep breath and used the back of her right hand to wipe the sweat off of her brow; then, she explained while cracking a grin, “Oh, this, well, you see, after you left, I thought I would get a job at a maid café, since I didn’t want to seem like a freeloader in your house; unfortunately, I got into trouble on my first day, so I had to stay over and work all day as recompense.”

“You’re not even dressed as a maid, so that story didn’t make any sense; also, there aren’t any maid cafés in the United States and if there were, they wouldn’t be any good!” I remarked, my face becoming, comically, angry. “Tell the truth of what happened?”

Wait a minute…did she just said ‘date’? Putting the pieces together, I came up with a disturbing conclusion of what she had been up to. “Hey Keiko…how did you know that I was on a date?” I questioned, suspiciously, flashing a deadpanned expression at her. Now that set me off more than what Keiko was wearing, how did she know that I was going on a date with Liz, and now that I think about it, that waitress at the mall café looked exactly like Keiko and to my surprise, Keiko is wearing the same uniform as that waitress. I had processed all the data and finally had the answer to it all. “Ah! You were that waitress at the café from earlier!” I concluded, pointing my right index finger while having a surprised face.

“I-I can explain!” Keiko exclaimed, waving her hands out defensively. She started fidgeting, becoming nervous as she began to sweat. “I…was suspicious about where you were going, so I followed you at the mall; there, I saw you and Elizabeth together, walking to different stores and kiosks; so, I thought I might follow you to make sure that your date went well and to be sure you two wouldn’t get into any trouble,” she explained in hysterics while twiddling her fingers together.

From the way she was avoiding eye contact, I could tell that she was mostly lying about her reason. Deadpanned; I asked her, “That’s great and all, but can you explain why you were posing as a waitress at a café?”

“Oh, well, that’s because I…wanted to get a closer view of you and Elizabeth, so I disguised myself as a waitress to get further observation; unfortunately, right after you left, the manager grabbed me and questioned me who I was because he could tell that I wasn’t one of his employees and, after that, I stayed there until I explained my reasons for pretending to be a waitress. Afterwards, I was force to pay back for serving food without being an employee, and that’s why I look like this, now,” she added, finishing her story while still appearing agitated.

Letting out a calming sigh, I got up and started walking out of my room, leaving Keiko behind as she watched and whispered, worryingly, “Haru…” I knew she might’ve been behind the tainted parfait, but I didn’t want to accuse her and chastise her; I mean, she is a succubus, and if they’re anything like the ones I’ve read in manga, then I could understand that she might’ve been jealous and felt left out, although that was my fault for not telling her where I was really going.

I turned my head back towards Keiko, “Look, what happened at the café, I won’t hold it against you, and I should have told you about my ‘date’ with Elizabeth from the beginning than having you find out about it the hard way.” I looked at Keiko with the softest eyes I could muster, “So…let’s just put all of this behind us, and let’s go have dinner; don’t worry, I’ll be the one making it.” At first, Keiko stared at me in shock for hearing what I just said, but a moment later; Keiko followed me out of the bedroom door with a cheerful grin on her face. We both headed down to the kitchen where I began preparing dinner, which was Tonkatsu with miso soup; since it was the weekend, I thought it would be nice to enjoy food from home, instead of making food that can be prepared easily…then again, having a nearly depleted budget makes doing the former much harder, if not impossible in this situation. Hopefully, I might last the whole week until my parents send me my funds.

2-hours-later; 6:48PM…

Dinner was already over; Keiko and I enjoyed the meal I had made but it would’ve been a great time, if you minus Keiko’s foot attempting to touch me in a certain area, which made it difficult to eat. Once I finished cleaning the dishes and put away the leftovers in fridge, I went over and sat on the couch in the living room, surfing through channels after channels on the TV. Hell, this would’ve been the perfect opportunity to test run the games I bought, and lost, at GameStreak; too bad the store doesn’t do refunds for “soaked” games and consoles. Preoccupied with my thoughts, I didn’t realized that Keiko leaped and landed right on my lap; she had already changed out of her waitress costume and was now in frilled gray tank top that exposed her large cleavage and frilled gray short-shorts.

“Hey, Haru, what’cha watching?” Keiko inquired, flirtingly, wrapping her arms around my neck while flashing a toothy grin; my face was turning red as I tried leaning away from her, but that was a fruitless endeavor. If I’ve learned anything about Keiko, it is that when she is on her attempts to get my attention, her grasp onto me with her limbs is legendary, considering that no matter how much I try with all my might, the succubus won’t budge, even for an inch.

“K-Keiko! As much as I would love to answer your question, I can’t do it if you’re going to cling to me like this!” I Shouted in embarrassment of the position Keiko had me in. “Oh~, then you don't mind if...I come a little closer." Keiko suggested, seductively, on the last part, as without warning, Keiko cupped both hands on my face and pulled my head close her, placing it right into her cleavage. Squeezing my face deeper into her “assets”, I was starting to lose focus, either due to the presence of Keiko’s breasts on my face or from the fact that I might be losing consciousness from being suffocated. If I had a mirror right now, I could probably see my own face turning completely blue from the lack of oxygen that Keiko was preventing my lungs to have.

“Keiko! I can’t…breathe!” I muttered, struggling to get out of her grip. Realizing my pain, Keiko lifted my face out of her bust and giving me the freedom to breathe.

Smiling, nervously, Keiko replied, “Sorry about that, Haru, I didn’t mean to almost kill you.” a large droplet of sweat appeared on her right temple at the end of the sentence. "But~, I can guess you really enjoy feeling my breast didn't you?" Keiko remarked flirtingly as she leaned her face a little too close to mine, blowing some air, erotically, into my left ear. Is it just me, or has Keiko been even more aggressive than usual?

“Th-that’s okay; at least you didn’t kill me!” I remarked, flashing a weak smile as pushed Keiko, gingerly, away from my face. Then, I wailed, mentally: Oh God, I thought I saw great-grandpa on the other side! Does her boobs lead to the afterlife, or something?! Okay, that last part might be an exaggeration, but I actually did see my great-grandfather from that near-death experience. Anyway, after that little ordeal, I was finally freed from Keiko’s grasp and ran away, but not before saying to her, “Excuse me, but I have to use the bathroom!”

In the bathroom…

Staring into the mirror, I splashed my face with the cold water in the sink, trying to bring my reddened, and perspired, face; placing both of my hands on the edges, I repeatedly slammed my face against the sink, hoping it would drive the lecherous thoughts out of my head. Sigh! Can’t Keiko, for once, control herself for one night, for God’s sake? For the passed week and a half, I had to deal with her attempting to sneak into my room while I’m asleep, asking for my opinion of her as she tried different types of lingerie, even the most adult-oriented ones, which I don’t even know how she acquired, despite being the exact same age as me, and last but not least, the little boob-smothering assault she pulled a few-seconds ago; since the day she arrived, my school days, and household days, have been very hectic. I think my mother had something to do with her moving into my house and transferring to my high school, which would explain how she knew where i was living and what school i was attending; she had always liked Keiko because they both had the same easy-going attitude--especially my mother when she's drunk--and always enjoyed causing mischief for me. Thank God, she didn't send my sister.

20-minutes-later…

After I was done admonishing myself, I went back to the living room and sat back down on the couch where Keiko stared at me with a confused expression on her face. “Wow, you were in the bathroom for a very long time; what took you so long…” Keiko trailed her sentence; leaning close, she placed a finger on my chest and teased. “Don’t tell me, you were touching yourself!? I didn’t think feeling my breasts would turn you on so much!” her face formed a mischievous grin as her cheeks turned a little red.

“No, that’s not what I was doing,” I retorted; deadpanned, albeit with the red returning to my cheeks, dismissing her claim as I waved my hand left and right.

Now that that ordeal was over with, I picked up the remote and proceeded with channel surfing while still fending off Keiko’s advances. Finally, I found a channel that actually had a show that Keiko and I could watch, which was March of the Living Dead.

30-minutes-later; 7:48PM…

“Diana, get back! There’s no other way to help your brother anymore!” A handsome man in his 20s yelled as he pulled a shotgun toward a limping figure that, after some plot conveniences, used to be that girl’s brother. Keiko and I watched as the head of the walking corpse exploded from the round that was shot from the firearm, followed by more extreme, yet horrifying, situations as we saw more zombies appeared on screen.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but ponder the thought of everything that has happened to me ever since I moved back to Archangel. Ever since I came back to this place, I never thought in my life I wouldn’t find out that my childhood friend, Elizabeth, was a vampire, let alone that mons—I mean demi-humans—existed in the world. Vampires, werewolves, witches, succubi, they all exist, along with, probably, other races that’s thought to be fiction are real; from watching this show, I might be terrified if zombies, or ghosts, would be real, as well. Getting eaten, or possessed, doesn’t sit well for me, but, then again, they might not be like that.

1-hour-later…

I lied down in bed, having already brushed my teeth and washed my face, and was ready to sleep. With the lights out, I stared at the ceiling and thought about what to do tomorrow. What should I do? Maybe I should just stay home and do nothing for the entire day, although that would mean dealing with Keiko’s advances. How about going to the park, but then I would have to deal with Alexandra because she might be jogging there and after what happened at the mall, I wouldn’t expect to be on good terms with her since I did see her in her underwear, though! I turned my head to the right and gazed out the window, staring at the stars as they glistened in the night sky. So beautiful and so serene, it made me feel a sense of peace as I felt all of my inner demons wash away. Afterwards, I felt my eyes growing heavier with my sight fading into the dark; for a second, in my closet, I thought I saw a figure standing right behind the clothes hanging on the clothes rack, but I ignored it and laid my head down. Just then, I noticed the shadow, slowly, crept forward from the closet, coming towards me as I struggled to stay away and right when I saw it standing next to me with a ragged-covered hand placed against my mouth; wide-eyes, I screamed for help while trying to run away, but I was unable to do so as the figure had placed its’ free hand on my chest, somehow preventing me from escaping. Soon, everything faded to black and I felt the cold air against my skin; I didn’t know what was happening, but I did know that it wasn’t going to be any good.


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Tue Sep 06, 2016 4:09 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a review!

I haven't read the previous chapters so forgive me if I get anything wrong. What I like to begin on is the beginning of this chapter. Even though it is the ninth chapter, it feels a bit bland. Coming from someone who had just come into reading this, I have no idea what is going on. As a assumption, the main character is being chased by Elizabeth because of something the MC did. Although, that could be wrong; just my thoughts. Anyway! As a suggestion, give a hint as to what had happened in the past. That way the reader can add onto what has happened without having to go back and forth between chapters; it is almost like a bridge between two paragraphs/chapters.

I got out of bed and walked over to my window curtains, opening them up and taking a peak outside. To my luck, Elizabeth wasn’t anywhere in the backyard, and I doubt she would be in the front porch, either. “Thank God, I thought for sure she’d be outside,” I sighed, personally, as a reassuring grin appeared on my face.


I feel this paragraph is a bit repetitive. We already know that the MC is glad that Elizabeth isn't there from telling but you don't need to show us. When you show in a novel or your writing, be brief with description. From what I am reading, this is more of telling statement since when you show in your writing, you shouldn't exactly info dump what is happening but instead focus on the character itself.
Anyway, the whole paragraph in the beginning feels like tell, not showing. Perhaps try cutting down on repeating what has happened before the the Haru is speaking to get the point across.
You also misspelled "wasn't" (as a simple suggestion, proofread over your work since you pick out the simple mistakes in your writing).

Closing the curtains, I was about to lie back down in my bed when, suddenly, I heard a knock at my bedroom door.


A scattered sentence that can be strung together like this: Closing the curtains, I laid down when suddenly there was a knock at my door.

Right when the door opened, I saw a tired Keiko stumbling into my room, heavily breathing with droplets of sweat falling from her face; also, she was dressed like a waitress.


There isn't a need for the semicolon. Just combine the two sentences with a comma to make it more easier. ^^ I also think it should be "Keiko, who is dressed in a waitress" etc to whatever will follow because it removes unnecessary info throughout that single sentence. The reader just wants to know what has happened within that single sentence; it is almost like a lag sorta thing for when the reader reads it.

The ending of this chapter seems a bit chunky too. As I mentioned before, it might be best if you try cutting it down to the key, important parts that would be necessary towards the next chapter.

Overall, this was nice read. I hope to see more of your works in the future.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




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Tue Sep 06, 2016 3:31 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hello kman134,

First off, I have to say I found it really cute that you put a warning because of anime references. Most people would just throw them in and not care about it. I think that type of concern is a good introduction to this story too. All in all, you have grammar and punctuation down very well. The mistakes you made are just little things that could be typos and you'll catch them on your own when you're editing, so I'm going to focus on different points I'd like to review.

I'm going to add in that I think you should finish this novel potentially before you read the review. I'm going to be nitpicking plot and chapter structure, for the most part with the idea of Show and Tell and I don't want you to get disheartened and I don't want editing to get in the way of finishing, if you take my advice to heart.

I would like to reiterate that you do a really good job with the technical aspects of writing. Your paragraphs are a little long, but you're using your punctuation, your sentence structures, your grammar, your word choice, and your overall execution of dialogue and so forth beautifully. The story works for me on those aspects.

The thing is, the idea of what to write doesn't fit with what I want. I want to live the story, I want to be there with them, I don't want to get jostled from place to place as we summarize the rest of events. Now, some summary can be good, like when large chunks of time happen and the characters aren't doing anything, or when you need to get to the next point in the plot that is going to move it ahead, but the summaries in here are covering ground that we could cover together, and there are so many summaries that it brings me out of the story itself.

For instance, when you summarize the cooking experience you could have written them talking and discussing her keeping her personal space to her personal space during that time, and then have the promise broken as soon as they're done eating. You could have had her so in love with food that she behaves until it's out of the picture. These two things could have given more character to your characters, as our main protagonist develops the ability to control this woman who is staying with him, but you skipped the scene, probably so you didn't have to write cooking? I think the best way to summarize this is that I want scenes, not summaries for the majority of your book, but I feel like aside from the dialogue, in this chapter, I'm mostly getting summaries. Each chapter should have it's own problem to overcome and if this is a part one, then you can indicate that in the title, but I think this is your whole chapter nine. Given that, I have fished up an article that can explain what I'm explaining and how to fix it. Summary vs. Scene

My second complaint is that when you give us dates and times, such as "one hour passed" then we expect something important to happen, and that the time is important, but it's really not in this story. Why does it matter what time he ran away to bed? Why does it matter how much time a TV show takes? For that case, why does it matter what the TV show is? Everything you're telling us needs to be involved with the plot. That's how the story moves forward. It matters, for some reason, that they were watching a zombie show, that she chose to assault him, and that he went to sleep at a certain time. To me, the only thing that really matters is the abuse of Haru by Keiko. Clearly he needs to handle her more seriously in order to prevent furthering the situation, but he's too victimized by all of the females in his life to even realize he's being abused.

Lastly, I'd like to add that the plot is very anime-esque. I read a lot of fanfiction, and I always have, so I find it pretty commonplace that these things are going on. I do like what you're trying to do, but I'd like to see some focus. I feel like you're writing to write rather than writing to produce a story, and while writing to write is really not a bad thing at all, it could cause you some problems down the line. For instance, a story needs a refined plot, and I feel like you might end up lacking this with the multitude of girls, monsters, and empty space going on in this novel. This feels more like a 'pick your adventure' where you choose whether to go with the vampire, the succubus, or the werewolf rather than a well-defined story that folds together with the elegance of a souffle. You'll have to do a lot of editing to really get down to the bare bones on this after you decide who Haru is going to end up with, if anyone.

All in all, your writing is good, but what your writing could use some work in this story. Include more scenes and quick skips from things that matter to your plot, to other things which matter to your plot. Find out what you want your climax to be and only write scenes that work towards that climax, then either put them to bed, or some menial task, and just introduce the new setting after a break and start it with a short, like, two sentence, summary of what occurred in between if that information is valuable for what is about to happen. If it's not, then consider letting us assume.

I hope this helps! It's good to finish novels before going back and doing rewrites or major overhauls on the plot, so I really hope you ignore my advice until you finish writing. Finishing a novel is super important for that sense of accomplishment, and I want you to see this through because I know I have done this type of story before, and getting to the end of these behemoths is a joy to experience.





Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
— Pablo Picasso