z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Castellum

by JustJasper


 Thick dark ink dripped slowly, drop by drop onto a rough scroll. Quickly the metal tip of a pen smoothed it into shapes. Wavy script flowed from the pen and ink combination. The writing sloped up and down gracefully without blemish. Every word was painstakingly reviewed to ensure perfection. When dry the ink would be read over and over again, and the information would spread until everyone in the small village knew the words. The author of the scroll smiled at the thought and leaned back in her wooden chair. Brushing her dark hair from her eyes she began writing again as the aged man in front of her dictated.

"Furthermore all villagers will be in their homes by sunset to ensure their safety. Anyone caught outdoors will be questioned on their reason for being out and placed under investigation." The man drawled, his voice seemed to drip over the paper as the girl wrote in flowing script.

"Thank you that will be all for the day Persephone," He instructed standing up from his chair.

"Would you like me to come at the same time tomorrow sir?" Persephone asked raising her head from the words.

"No tomorrow I will be occupied doing other things," he said winking.

"Will anything exciting happen?" Persephone asked happily.

"Oh just the usual" he answered with a grin.

"Martin! Must you always be so mysterious?" Persephone sighed.

"I am afraid so my dear." He chuckled, "well I will see you later Persephone you better leave too before it gets dark. You never know what kind of witches or sorcerers could be about" Martin said putting on his coat.

Persephone collected the paper, ink, and her pen placing them in her cloth bag. She stood up and smoothed her blue dress before grabbing the bag and swinging it to her shoulder. Following Martin out the door she slowly began the walk home. Shop windows shone in the dying light of the sun giving everything in sight an orange tint. The streets were nearly empty the only other person in sight was Michael Fairaway. He was a tall boy whose father was a farmer, the first thing you noticed about him was his smile, and the second was usually the back of his head as he ignored nearly everyone. Currently he was struggling under the weight of a box full of potatoes. As Persephone approached him he placed the box on the ground and smiled.

"How are you today Persephone?" He asked grinning.

"Just fine sir" she answered.

"Good" he said.

Suddenly both of them burst out laughing.

"Adults are so boring when they talk like that!" Michael exclaimed.

"I know!" Persephone agreed.

She was not very far away from being an adult. It scared her to have to marry so young but that was how things were. Smiling she hit Michael on the arm and reminded him of this. "Yeah but you still have another year before your parents will start planning that. After all you are only 15" he said placing his arm around her shoulder.

"Well you are 17 and your parents haven't said anything." Persephone complained.

"But I have the advantage you see because I am male and I have a job" he explained.

"I have a job!" Persephone exclaimed.

"True but being a scribe isn't really a long term thing"

"I guess you're right" Persephone conceded

"are you going to meet me by the tree tomorrow?" Michael asked smiling.

"Maybe" Persephone answered swinging her bag around to hit him.

At the last second he moved out of the way. Pretending to be hurt he pressed his hands to his chest and winced. Persephone grinned and took off running down the street.

"See you then!" Persephone called back as she turned the corner.

Slowing down she caught her breathe and adjusted her bag letting it hit her leg with every step. Smiling she strolled into her father's shop, when she opened the door she was met with the sound of a tinkling bell and the strong smell of shoe shine. Her father waltzed in from the back room unfinished shoe in hand. 

"How was your day honey?" He asked placing the shoe on the counter and rubbing his hands with a filthy rag.

"It went well I think," Persephone answered placing her bag on the counter.

" We aren't quite finished yet but we will be done before the week is out." She added softly.

"Well I am sure you are trying your best and giving Martin your full attention," he praised her.

"I am just finishing up this pair of shoes so I will be home soon," he added.

"I am headed home so I will see you later" she said as she grabbed her bag and walked out the door.

Walking a little faster now that it was getting dark she made her way across the cobblestone street and turned onto a dirt road. Within five minutes she was opening the door to her house. Immediately the smell of her mother's Onion soup snaked its way around Persephone drawing her into the warm house. Placing her bag on her bed she turned and greeted her mother and younger sister Sarah. After hugging both she told them about the events of the day and encouraged Sarah to tell her about school. 

"Today we learned about witches and sorcerers," Sarah explained.

"I just wrote about that today," Persephone said.

"I don't think they exist," Sarah insisted.

Smiling their mother served them soup and welcomed their father home. 

"Oh yes they do!" the girls father shot back.  

Silently Sarah submitted not wanting to start another argument with her father. The moment Persephone had finished her food she was sent to bed.

It took her hours to get to sleep finally working up her courage she relaxed and let her dreams overtake her.

The night was cool and wet, a welcome change from the muggy summer air. A full moon shone on the forest, the little light it provided made the shadows of trees dance across the ground to the music of the rustling leaves. The trees were swaying slightly in the wind that provided the music for the shadows, a couple leaves jumped from their symphony floated to the forest floor to join the dance. Almost as soon as they touched the ground they were disturbed again by a large fox with an unusual purple stripe on its tail stumbling desperately through the dense undergrowth weaving around trees, leaping over roots, and plowing through bushes as it ran. The fox pushed itself faster and faster blood trailing behind it from a wound in its side, directly ahead was a wide river too wide to jump across and too swift to swim through. The fox stopped at the bank panting, legs shaking with fatigue, too tired to make any attempt at crossing it.

Suddenly and to the great surprise of some nearby birds the fox changed into a girl. The transformation only lasted seconds and in the place of the fox a teenage girl appeared. Her face was caked in mud mixed with sweat and she winced in pain as she pressed her hands to the wound in her abdomen. Blood soaked into her gray t-shirt and dripped to her ripped canvas shorts. She wheezed as she desperately crawled forward toward the river hoping to try to swim across or turn into a fish. Behind her out of the forest leaped an enormous wolf, it was smoke grey and had a stripe of black across its forehead. Its mouth and claws were covered in blood, it paused for a moment as if admiring the girl it's dark eyes seemed to be sizing her up then it lunged forward. "Albert, Persephone, Diggory!" The girl screamed as she struggled with the wolf "Please, anyone help!" The girls mouth was then covered by the boy that had previously been the wolf. His face was covered by a mask but that didn't stop the girl from recognizing him. "Please!" She pleaded "you are better than this!" The boy stood up brandishing a rope he took from one of the many pockets on his pants "no I don't believe I am anymore" he said softly as he tied the girls bony wrists together.

Persephone woke up cold and shaking, she wrapped her blanket around her shoulders and sat up. That was the third time she had had that dream, and she was beginning to get concerned. Every time that girl called her name she wanted nothing more than to grab her and pull her out of the dream, to help her leave behind the boy in the mask and be free but she knew that wasn't possible. Dreams like those were maddening and terrifying, the scary thing is that Persephone's dreams tended to come true. Last year she knew about the insects that would have destroyed the harvest had she not taken precautions, she was also able to predict a deadly illness entering her village. Now the elders were beginning to trust her more but she feared they would accuse her of being a witch. Those accused of witchcraft rarely escaped death or exile. Persephone thought she could just ignore this dream just like when she ignored some of her other dreams but this time she was not so lucky.

The next morning Persephone was shaken awake by Sarah. Groggily she opened her eyes squinting at how bright the room was, Sarah was already wearing her favorite blue dress and light brown flats. "Hurry up!" Sarah nagged "the elders said to come quickly to see visitors." She smiled broadly then practically dragged Persephone out of bed. It was common for the elders of their small village to summon the villagers so everyone could have an equal chance to trade with the travelers and hear the news they brought with them. "Please braid my hair" she asked while Persephone was putting on her own dark blue dress, she had worn the same one since she left school to help her parents work. A few minutes later after braiding Sarah's corn yellow hair and pinning up her own black locks the two girls were walking down the road toward the center of the village. Before leaving the house Persephone had slipped some of the money she had saved into a small hand bag that now hung at Sarah's side. 

Persephone could already tell that the day would be a hot one, the sun shone brightly and there wasn't much of a breeze. The trees along the side of the road were still and the world was silent except for Sarah who chattered pleasantly about school, or her friends, Persephone wasn't listening, her thoughts kept returning to her dream. "And then I ate my cat!" Sarah said looking at Persephone "I knew you weren't listening" she exclaimed when Persephone didn't react. "Sorry Sarah I was just thinking" Sarah nodded "about your dream last night?" She asked, Persephone looked surprised "what? I can tell when you're nervous" Sarah claimed smiling "what was it this time?" Persephone kicked at the ground as she reluctantly told Sarah the dream, she always got nervous when she said anything about her dreams, Sarah was the only one who knew about them mostly because they shared a room and when Persephone woke up she sometimes disturbed Sarah. Even their parents were not aware and in Persephone's opinion they were better off not knowing.

Eager to change the topic before Sarah tried to ask her more questions, Persephone asked who the visitors were. "Probably just some traders" Sarah said slightly annoyed that Persephone changed the subject "didn't they tell you at school yesterday?" Persephone asked getting worried "no, what do you think that means?"

Persephone kicked at the dirt and had to fight the urge to run home or hide in the bushes. "Nothing to be concerned about" she said to Sarah forcing a smile.

Sarah didn't remember because she was sick. The last time the elders neglected to tell the younger children about the visitors strange men came to the village. They took five teenagers and left, the kids were never seen again. The men had worn forest green clothes with brown cloaks and an unusual pin on the collar of their shirts. It was long and silver in the shape of a feather and when sunlight hit it the feather seemed to shimmer and change colors. They were very odd people and Persephone heard one of them mutter something about how old fashioned this village was.

Persephone and Sarah were almost to the center of the village now and began to sprint so they wouldn't miss anything. When they reached the square they went to sit with the other children and smiled at the adults. Persephone searched through the crowd of adults for her parents but couldn't see them, probably because her mom was very short but it only took a few minutes to find her dad who was standing at the edge of the group. She relaxed as they made eye contact and smiled, there were no strange men here and she felt like she could fly. Sarah finished talking to her friends and moved to sit with Persephone as Martin walked to the front of the group. He was a tall thin man who reminded Persephone of an aspen tree he had an exceptionally long nose and always seemed to be scratching it. He shouted at the people even though he didn't need to get anyone's attention because all eyes were already focused on him. Many of the parents yawned lazily and several of the children began to play a game of marbles in the back of the crowd. Martin seemed tense but he was a difficult man to read so Persephone wasn't very concerned.

"Good morning everyone! I am not sure if any of you remember the strange occurrences of a few years ago but it has become necessary for us to prevent any further incidents. So all of the children must take a test to make sure that they will not be the cause of any problems in our community-"

at that point in his speech he was interrupted by a lady with bright blonde hair who seemed annoyed

"what kind of test?" She asked resentfully,

"the kind your children better pass!" Martin snapped at her anxious to move on with his speech. 

"Children I would like each of you to come into the town hall and we will begin the test." Martin calmly began to lead the kids inside.

Sarah quickly glanced at Persephone with an irritated look 

"they didn't have to summon the whole village for us to take a test." She hissed as they walked inside,

the town hall was one of the largest buildings in the town and was only used by the elders, this was the first time any of the children had been inside. The building was mostly empty except for a table in the center of the room and a door at the end of the room. Five men sat around the table they wore silver clothes and blue cloaks but Persephone froze when she saw the feather pins. All she could was think that they better pass this test. When the men saw the children they stood up and came around to stand in front of the table. The shortest one stepped foreword, he had a thin face and didn't look much older than Persephone but wore a hard expression like a strict parent

"I am Timothy Blake and these are my associates" the man said gesturing to the other four men

"the only people that need to be tested are those who are at least twelve years old."

Quietly the younger children filed out of the room careful not to speak or run for fear of the elders who had now joined them in the town hall. Only twenty children were left including Sarah who had turned thirteen a month ago and Persephone who was fifteen.

"Now let's get down to business" the short man said

"all of you will step foreword and touch this stone then you will do as you are told" 

the man took a stone from his pocket and held it so they could see, it was the size of a frog and was black like a cannonball. Silently all twenty teenagers formed a line and the first one to step foreword was a boy named Samuel, he had messy sandy hair and a goofy expression. He touched the stone and to no ones surprise nothing happened. He was then instructed to step back, ten people did the peculiar task with the same result. Persephone felt like she would explode, every passing second was counting down to the moment Sarah would touch the stone, if she had eaten any breakfast Persephone was sure she would have thrown it up by now. Next it was Sarah's turn, she confidently walked to the short man and quickly touched the stone expecting nothing to happen. When she touched it Persephone's heart stopped in her chest, the stone turned blue, before Sarah could ask about the unexpected result she was being escorted into another room. Persephone began to quiver in fear as she imagined what they would do to her, and before she could think about what she was doing she was running after her sister, she didn't make it three steps before she was frozen.

She couldn't move her legs anymore, Sarah was already out of the room and Persephone knew she had to do something quickly before those men did anything to her. Persephone had only heard stories about men who wielded magic and had never dreamt they were real, now as she struggled to move and found herself petrified she wished the stories weren't true. With all her might she struggled against the power of the magic that held her tight. The man who had used his magic to stop her walked over to her casually while Timothy Blake finished giving the test. He was stocky and had a brown beard and short cropped hair. He studied her with his penetrating grey eyes seeming to look into her soul. Persephone decided she was going to do whatever it took to get to Sarah so she let her anger and fear simmer inside her growing stronger each second she was trapped. The man apparently decided to release her but not before he moved in front of her to stop her escape. Suddenly she could move again, not wanting to waste her chance she slammed her body against him and released all of her anger, she felt the energy course through her and rush into him. The feeling was electrifying she had never felt that before and it scared her, unsure of what effect that had on the man only knowing she could run Persephone rushed to the room that Sarah was in. Persephone made it to the door, flung it open and rushed inside looking for Sarah only to find that she was talking to a strange man like she had known him for years. 

He was dressed in yellow clothing and had an orange cloak but the first thing that Persephone noticed was that he wasn't human. His face was relatively normal and he had a beard but he had four arms and a long scaly tail that never seemed to stop moving. When he turned his attention toward her she noticed that his eyes were purple and he had abnormally large pupils.

"Is this your sister?" He asked Sarah who quickly nodded,

"I see you have magic as well then, it does seem to run in your family. Your uncle came to us several years ago now as well, perhaps you will get a chance to meet him soon." Just as he finished speaking the door behind Persephone burst open and Timothy Blake stalked into the room looking like an angry bull.

Seeing her he turned to the other man.

"I am sorry Abinor this one is giving us some trouble." 

Abinor smiled

"no need to apologize Mr. Blake we were just getting to know each other better." Persephone's confusion was only growing the more the men talked.

Why had they not killed Sarah yet? What did they mean about her uncle? Did they know about her magic?

"I'll take her back outside." Mr. Turner said as he roughly grabbed her arm, that is when she first felt it, like a weight on her head.

All the pain and anger in this mans life came crashing down on her, she saw only a few memories before it became too much for her. Persephone crashed to the ground both hands flying to her head as pain and fear engulfed her. Shaking on the ground she tightened into a ball terrified of moving and feeling more pain. She couldn't breathe, the weight felt like it was crushing her, breathes came in short wheezes and gaps. Sarah rushed to her side but Abinor held her back, she was screaming Persephone's name and struggling to get to her but all Persephone could do was sit on the floor, after several minutes she recovered enough to get to her feet tears streaming down her cheeks. 

She turned to Mr. Blake and whispered "I'm so sorry!" 

The anger was gone from his face and replaced with embarrassment. Persephone turned to Sarah and said

"please don't touch me." 

The look on Sarah's face broke her heart, Persephone knew that right now Sarah wanted nothing more than to crush her into a hug. Abinor released her and she stool silently by his side 

"if you would come with me, I need to show you something" Timothy said to Persephone.

This time she obediently followed him back into the room where Sarah touched the stone. The man she had attacked was sitting in a chair by the table talking to another man leaning over him. Persephone crossed the room to where Timothy was holding the stone seeing the expression on her face he said

"you still need to touch the stone. The purpose of touching it is not only to see if you have magic but to unlock the powers you do have. Although for you I am not sure what that would do."

"What do you mean?" Persephone asked

"Usually people like you don't even know you have powers but you have known for a while, haven't you. You must have to do what you did to Minestorm, you broke a very powerful enchantment, nobody that I have known has ever been able to do that successfully. Your powers haven't even been unlocked yet so I fear more of what just happened will continue. I don't want you to touch the stone but you must or your powers will be unpredictable."

Persephone thought about this for a minute and decided that she would regret not touching the stone later for the rest of her life if she didn't do it now. Slowly she placed her hand on the stone careful not to touch Blake accidentally. The stone felt cool in her hand and turned blue and then grey, Persephone smiled

"nothing hap-" before she could finish her sentence she felt an over whelming amount of pain, anger, fear, and great happiness explode within her left over from when she touched Blake.

She swayed and would have dropped to the ground if Blake hadn't caught her, forgetting that he would only make things worse. Persephone sat on the ground ragged breaths coming inconsistently her eyes screwed shut as she saw some of his most scary moments and his happiest. She saw a young man with green eyes and a mop of messy blue hair smile and laugh, then she saw an older man with a big scar on his arm grab the blue headed boy and shove him against a wall. The boy slumped to the ground and stayed there limp, then she saw him being dragged away by strange men. After that the scene shifted, she was in a meadow at sunset sitting against a tree with the blue haired boy and a red haired girl. The boy smiled and laughed holding hands with the girl and throwing a ball back and forth. Persephone was pulled back into the present when Turner yelled

"Minestorm get over here!" to the man Persephone attacked, she felt him come to her side and felt a warm wave pass over her.

Slowly she opened her eyes and saw all five men gathered around her whispering Blake and Minestorm looked relieved, the other two looked indifferent and Abinor looked concerned. Persephone sat up and looked into Blake's attentive eyes to let him know she was fine and stood up. Sarah stood next to Abinor and moved closer to Persephone. She could tell that Sarah needed to know she was okay so Persephone let Sarah hugged her. She braced herself and bent over expecting to feel a burst of sadness like when she touched Turner but as usual Sarah only made her feel love. Persephone wanted to stay hugging her sister forever but forced herself to release Sarah and tell the men that she could touch her without a problem.

All of the men had congregated in the middle of the room now and most of then seemed to be preparing to leave. "So what do we do now?" Persephone asked Abinor who seemed to be in charge of the group "we are going to offer you a choice. You can either stay here and live the rest of your lives or come with us to learn how to use your powers." He explained, Sarah turned to Persephone and smiled broadly. Before Persephone could respond Sarah had already agreed and was jumping with excitement, "don't make such a hasty decision you should speak to your parents first." Turner suggested "if you want to come with us meet us here tomorrow in the morning." Persephone nodded and motioned for Sarah to follow her as she walked out of the room.


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Mon Jun 06, 2016 7:48 pm
Europa wrote a review...



Hiya! Sorry for the late reply. (Better late than never, right?...heh heh...)

Anyway, review. I thought this was really good! I like the concept you have going on, and am interested to see where you'll go with Persephone's visions. I'm also curious about the blue haired boy she saw. My guess is he'll be important later on, right? Your characters all seem unique, which is important. I have a few notes too, if that's alright.

For the most part, the flow of your writing was good but there were a few places where I felt there should have been some sort of punctuation (Mostly commas) and there wasn't and for me it interrupted the flow a little.

In some places, your character outright told someone how they were feeling. While this is appropriate in some cases, I find it's more entertaining to read and poses an entertaining challenge to write when you avoid telling emotion as much as possible. For example, instead of Blake telling Persephone he doesn't want her to touch the stone, maybe have her see something in his face or hear something in his voice that clues her in to that feeling. It's hard to find the balance between show and tell, since it can be different for each writer, and emotion can sometimes be the hardest to convey without just telling the reader. A few things I use are

Posture-especially when narrating in third person, using a character's posture can help show changes in what a character feels. If a character is mad, maybe they'll be clenching their fists (Which can also work if a character is feeling stressed) or they may stand up taller. If they're scared, they may shrink a little, slouch over holding their arms, avoid eye contact, and maybe chew their lip a bit. In a panic, they may take a few steps back if you want them to. (Chewing their lip may be used if their thinking something over, feeling conflicted, ect.)

eyes- a look in a character's eyes, even a small flash or glint, can bring out a lot in what a character is feeling. Eyes that flash angrily, fill with tears, or light up can tell a lot about a character's emotion.

voice-a character's voice is a good thing to describe, as it can help in setting the tone sometimes. Having a character's voice crack, rise, lower, or rise in pitch are just a few of the things you can use.

heartbeat and body temperature-the rate at which a character's heart beat's can be used mostly to convey fear, but a character's body temperature can be used to hint when a character is feeling embarrassed, scared, or angry (remember, the word "temperature'' has the word ''Temper'' in it for a reason.)

besides these two things, I did't see anything that needed building on. I thoroughly enjoyed this, so make sure to let me know when the next installment comes out!

Hope this was helpful,

-Fanty




JustJasper says...


Thanks for the review! I will definitely try to work on those things you mentioned (especially in the storybook). I will be sure to tell you when I
post the next part



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Tue May 31, 2016 3:54 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Hey, Oswin! Let's just jump straight into the review.

One of the biggest things is the paragraph breaks. The first paragraph in this chapter had 21 sentences, which is quite a mouthful to start out with all at once. TIP TOP, which stands for: time, place, topic, and person, is a generally good rule of thumb to use when trying to separate out paragraphs. If the time changes noticeably, then start a new paragraph. If the characters move from one place to the next, start a new paragraph. Does the main topic change from describing the setting to focussing on a fox? Then start a new one. Is a new person talking? New paragraph break! That tends to keep most paragraphs (haha, how many times have I said that now?) to about five to six sentences long, which is easiest to read and not lose track of things.

the little light it provided made the shadows of trees dance across the ground to the music of the rustling leaves. The trees were swaying slightly in the wind that provided the music for the shadows,

While repetition is sometimes a good trick in order to get the next sentences to flow better, it often gets a bit annoying after a while. Smaller bits of repetition are better, rather than entire sentences that just state previous bits of description. It's a bit difficult to find the balance, but things like that are easier to catch when reading the work out loud.

"Please!" She pleaded [Add some type of punctuation here.] "You [Since that was the start of a new sentence, I'm capitalizing the 'y' there.] are better than this!"

[Paragraph break here, since the boy started talking.]

The boy stood up brandishing a rope he took from one of the many pockets on his pants [I would reword that third sentence and possibly break it up with a comma. It's a bit difficult to read without a break.] "[N]o, I don't believe I am anymore [Add punctuation here, preferably a period.]" he said softly as he tied the girl's [Added the apostrophe to make it possessive. She has ownership of her own wrists, after all.] bony wrists together.

I made small edits here and there with explanation as to why I made them. Before posting, I would go and proofread everything for the small edits, in order to make sure that little typos and miscommunications don't distract the reviewer from giving quality feedback!

Dreams like those were maddening and terrifying, the scary thing is that Persephone's dreams tended to come true. Last year she knew about the insects that would have destroyed the harvest had she not taken precautions, she was also able to predict a deadly illness entering her village.

I was actually pretty invested in the opening paragraph! While I had seen openings like that before, it was pretty gripping and I wanted to know what happened next. What really killed it for me was finding out that it was all a dream in these few sentences. Sure, the original dream was probably going to tie into the plot at some point, but it was still a letdown to come across. The scene had been set and described and the two characters just started interacting -- and then the actual protagonist woke up.

While I might be biased against dreams in fiction in general, there are specific circumstances when I would include them. Generally, it's a bad idea to use them as an introduction. The first 250 words are what makes the reader want to read on or drop the book. And when the first 250 words turn out to not matter, it's a bit difficult to become re-invested in the events. If I was going to include anything about her dreams that predicted the future, then I would have woven it in there a lot more smoothly. Persephone was walking to the town meeting with Sarah, things weighing on her mind as her sister started to question her. "It's about your dream last night, isn't it?" And then that segways into everything else.

To comment further on the section that I quoted, I also want to point out that there seems to be an issue with telling instead of actually showing. Instead of seeing her dreams come to life, the reader is told. Instead seeing the elders begin to trust her more, we're told. Instead of seeing the scene where five children were taken away, we're told in a short paragraph in order to get that backstory out of the way. While telling is certainly fine, there should also be a balance between it and showing the emotions and description behind the scenes at hand. Hopefully this article will be useful!

So the main character is named Persephone, I'm assuming that this story's roots are Greek or pre-Greek origin? I would assume this is fantasy because of the magic, although since no genre is listed, I cannot be entirely sure.

Hopefully this helps! I do wish that you will keep on writing!

-Adrian, Knight of RED




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Tue May 03, 2016 7:42 pm
burninhell wrote a review...



Hey Oswin,
Belated welcome to YWS!

This seems like it's going to be a really great story! I love the idea of people being able to turn into animals, I cant wait to see where this goes. There are just a couple of points where I think you might be able to improve.

Okay, so the first thing I'm going to say about this piece is that your paragraphing needs a little work. They appear a bit daunting because of their size and could be turning people away from reading your work, however, they could easily be broken down into smaller paragraphs, this would probably also help with the overall flow of this piece. I mean your seventh paragraph is super long and could definitely do with being broken up a little bit.
I'm going to use your first paragraph as an example.

The night was cool and wet, a welcome change from the muggy summer air. A full moon shone on the forest, the little light it provided made the shadows of trees dance across the ground to the music of the rustling leaves. The trees were swaying slightly in the wind that provided the music for the shadows, a couple leaves jumped from their symphony floated to the forest floor to join the dance.
Almost as soon as the leaves touched the ground they were disturbed again by a large fox with an unusual purple stripe on its tail stumbling desperately through the dense undergrowth weaving around trees, leaping over roots, and plowing through bushes as it ran. The fox pushed itself faster and faster blood trailing behind it from a wound in its side.
Directly ahead was a wide river too wide to jump across and too swift to swim through. The fox stopped at the bank panting, legs shaking with fatigue, too tired to make any attempt at crossing it.
Suddenly and to the great surprise of some nearby birds the fox changed into a girl. The transformation only lasted seconds and in the place of the fox a teenage girl appeared. Her face was caked in mud mixed with sweat and she winced in pain as she pressed her hands to the wound in her abdomen. Blood soaked into her gray t-shirt and dripped to her ripped canvas shorts. She wheezed as she desperately crawled forward toward the river hoping to try to swim across or turn into a fish.
Behind her out of the forest leaped an enormous wolf, it was smoke grey and had a stripe of black across its forehead. Its mouth and claws were covered in blood, it paused for a moment as if admiring the girl it's dark eyes seemed to be sizing her up then it lunged forward.
"Albert, Persephone, Diggory!" The girl screamed as she struggled with the wolf "Please, anyone help!" The girls mouth was then covered by the boy that had previously been the wolf. His face was covered by a mask but that didn't stop the girl from recognizing him. "Please!" She pleaded "you are better than this!"
The boy stood up brandishing a rope he took from one of the many pockets on his pants "no I don't believe I am anymore" he said softly as he tied the girls bony wrists together.

See what I mean? Breaking it up into smaller paragraphs makes it a little easier to read than when it's in one big chunk.

Okay, second thing that I noticed, you seem to have quite a lot of sentences of the same length. They all seem to run on a little bit. Breaking them down into some smaller sentences will again make it a little easier to read.
The night was cool and wet. It was a welcome change from the muggy summer air. A full moon shone on the forest. The little light it provided made the shadows of trees dance across the ground to the music of the rustling leaves. The trees were swaying slightly in the wind that provided the music for the shadows. A couple leaves jumped to the symphony floated to the forest floor to join the dance. Almost as soon as they touched the ground they were disturbed again by a large fox with an unusual purple stripe on its tail. It stumbled desperately through the dense undergrowth, weaving around trees, leaping over roots, and plowing through bushes as it ran. The fox pushed itself faster and faster. Blood trailed behind it from a wound in its side. Directly ahead was a wide river too wide to jump across and too swift to swim through. The fox stopped at the bank panting, legs shaking with fatigue, too tired to make any attempt at crossing it. Suddenly, and to the great surprise of some nearby birds, the fox changed into a girl.

Obviously it's up to you how you structure your sentences, however I do suggest switching the structures around a bit. Some short, some long.

Okay, I'm going to make this my final point. You need to give your piece a title! A title is the first thing that a reader will see, so it needs to draw them in. Give it a name that fits with the story and will make the reader excited to see what you've written that has such an interesting title!

So I hope this review didn't seem so harsh, because I think that if you sort these more basic mistakes out you have a good starting point for a great story! Your description is great, I loved how musical you made the forest sound right at the beginning, it made for some great imagery, and a really nice start which kept me reading.
Anyways, if you have any questions or anything feel free to ask :)




JustJasper says...


Thanks for taking the time to review my work! I will definitely try to start focusing on my structure more. I really want it to have a title but I just don't know what it should be yet, I am thinking about it and will include it with the next chapter. Thanks again!



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Tue May 03, 2016 3:49 pm
nabilaanjum says...



This is a really nice story





Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author