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16+ Violence

Prologue

by FlowerToBloom


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

The night was cold. I could feel the chill through my suit, making me shiver. The air was still. It was one of THOSE nights. One of the nights where anything dark and evil could creep out of its den and kill. Kill whatever is on its path. I shivered again, this time not from the cold. Such creatures exist where I live. And they only are because humans thought they were gods. And fell pretty damn hard.

It started with what all stories of this kind seem to start. With a war. The Bio War between the U.S. and Russia was coming to what seemed like a peaceful end. Both sides had dangerous and extremely unstable bioweapons. Once one of them would launch a bomb. Everyone would launch bombs. And all would be over in less than an hour. But they got tired of fighting this way. So they went for peace. They both sent their most influencial political figures to negociate. In this case, humanity was at stake.

And then while they were talking a bomb exploded, killing both men.

Russia blamed the U.S. and vice-versa. And both launched their deadly weapons, killing 93% of the human race. After what elders called "the end of days", humans were confined to antibacterial suits, filters, constant checkups and underground life. Until one man, an architect by the name of Henry Fields, designed the Dome Cities.

The domes were huge and could house cities as big as what they called New York, one of the mythical cities destroyed in the bombings. They were made of a material that could withstand extreme temperatures, pressure and even clean the air of toxins so the humans living inside it could survive.

It was revolutionary. And only a couple years later, the first Dome was constructed. It was considered one of the world's greatest creations, and Henry was praised as the savior of mankind. The biochemicals hadn't affected the soil and soon, farms and villages were built. Society continued moving forward. and now we got Gigacities, cities that were built half underground, half above ground. With all the technology and the arrogance that goes with it.

My Gigacity was baptized Evelyn, in the memory of Evelyn Fields, Henry Fields' daughter. It is more the codename of the Dome than the name of the city itself, allowing quick and easy recognition in case of great emergency.

Society is yet again torn by the problems the ancient domeless cities had. Money, violence, power. And then there's us.

We're the Seekers.

The Deadlands outside the Domes are, as the name implies, devoid of life. Well, that's in plain sunlight. On nights like these, it's another story.

You see, the bioweapons may have killed humans. Maybe some animals. But the biobombs were aimed at humans only. Have you ever been scared of a chihuahua? I have. Original chihuahuas may have been cute. Mutated chihuahuas are a lot less. Any mutated animal that lives out here is a terrifying nightmare. And guess who has to sleep in the Deadlands every now and then?

We do.

We walk for days and nights without end, scavenging. We search the Deadlands for remnants of the ancient civilisation of the domeless times. What we find we bring back.

I'm part of Seeker Unit 48. We dont have names. We don't need any. Just our numbers. My number is 3.


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383 Reviews


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Reviews: 383

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Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:43 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



This can only lead to intriguing places.

Before I start this review, however, I'd like to point some of these out:

-"One of the nights where anything dark and evil could creep out of its den and kill. Kill whatever is on its path." You seem to like ending a sentence and continuing the thought in another sentence for dramatic pause. Granted, I love to do that as well, but some sentences just don't need to be split. I think this is one of them--killing already implies that it's going to kill what's on it's path, so there's no need to dramatically point out the obvious. Therefore, you can just connect these two together and be done with it.

-"And they only are because humans thought they were gods. And fell pretty damn hard." They only are? Maybe you meant 'they're only there'. Also, watch how you use profanity in the text. You can cuss all you want in the dialogue so long as it's not coming from the mouth of a devout priest (AKA characterization), but monologue is...trickier. You see, profanity can give a certain flavor to the character's monologue, or it can make the author seem like they have no other adjectives to use. Most of the time, it works well if mixed with humor, but drama can utilize it as well. Though, again, drama is trickier. I'm not sure if the profanity here worked or not, you'll have to consult someone else for that.

-"Once one of them would launch a bomb. Everyone would launch bombs" Again, I think you can connect these two thoughts and not lose any drama. In fact, you should connect these two sentences, otherwise they don't make sense without each other.

-"They both sent their most influencial political figures to negociate." Influential and negotiate. Typos!

-"and now we got Gigacities, cities that were built half underground, half above ground." Capitalize And.

Now, onto the actual review:

1. Overall, this seems to be a pretty interesting story. I like the theme of man becoming god, that's always a fun one to explore, but it's--well, it's conquered land, you know? So many people have dipped their toes in the pool, you have to throw yourself really hard to make a splash. I can't judge it now, as the story isn't finished, but this...might be interesting. It could go either way. It could repeat the same old trite cliches of other stories or it could put a twist to it. I'll have to wait and see, though, of course.

2. I'm intrigued with the concept of a person who has no name. Are they clones? Were the genetically modified? Are they amnesiacs? Or is the society now just refusing to give children names? I'm interested to see who this person is and how they cope with their lack of identity. But for now, I'll call them Three.

3. I suggest setting your character's goals now, in this prologue, instead of just dumping information on the reader that may or may not be interesting. It's more interesting if the character is trying to find something while they come across objects that remind them of something in the past.

This was a pretty short review, mostly because I think I've said enough. Everything else that I wanted to talk about relies entirely on how well you do in the next chapter. Overall, though, this is a reasonably good prologue.

Signing out,

--EM.




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Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:36 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Hello there!Here to review your piece of writing!

I hope I am helpful and this is not looking like a very short story so I will review and read at the same time if that is possible now.I am thinking of writing it edited so you could read it all and ask out. (..) for my thoughts and maybe things I do not get.
/.../ for the correction I had made.
And good job!


Now let's start:

The night was cold.
I could feel the chill through my suit /that was/ making me shiver. The air was still.(I did not understand how the air is still.)
It was one of THOSE nights. (Better just make 'those' in italic and maybe leave it with capital letters.)
One of the nights /use 'in which' or 'when' here/ anything dark and evil could creep out of its den and kill.
Kill whatever is on its path. I shivered again, this time not from the cold. Such creatures exist/ed/ where I /was living/. And they /only lived/ because humans thought they were gods. And fell pretty damn hard.
(You change the tenses from past to present too much.I corrected it into past tense because you started this way.)


It started with what all stories of this kind seem to start. With a war. The Bio War between the U.S. and Russia was coming to what seemed like a peaceful end. Both sides had dangerous and extremely unstable bioweapons.
(I do not get the idea for the bio thingy but will leave it aside.)

Once one of them would launch a bomb. Everyone would launch bombs.
(This sounds kind of unfinished.One launch a bomb.Everyone lanch bombs.)

And all would be over in less than an hour. But they got tired of fighting this way. So they went for peace. They both sent their most influencial political figures to negociate. In this case, humanity was at stake.



And then while they were talking a bomb exploded, killing both men.
(Kind of cliche but just my opinion.)


-skipping the parts which do not need corections-

The domes were huge and could house cities as big as what they called New York, one of the mythical cities destroyed in the bombings. They were made of a material that could withstand extreme temperatures, pressure and even clean the air of toxins so the humans living inside it could survive.
( house cities as big as what they called New York?Well,I do not get it,honestly.
You mean the domes are big as houses or they are big like cities (New York etc.) )

It was revolutionary. And only a couple years later, the first Dome was constructed.

(Didn't he create them years ago?)

It was considered one of the world's greatest creations, and Henry was praised as the savior of mankind. The biochemicals hadn't affected the soil and soon, farms and villages were built. Society continued moving forward. /Now/ we /have/ Gigacities, cities that were built half underground, half /aboveground, with/ all the technology and the arrogance that goes with it.

My Gigacity was baptized Evelyn, in the memory of Evelyn Fields, Henry Fields' daughter. It is more the codename of the Dome than the name of the city itself, allowing quick and easy recognition in case of great emergency. (You call them dome sometimes and Dome other times so just write them with a capital letter as a start.)

Society is yet again torn by the problems the ancient domeless cities had. Money, violence, power /and then we appeared./

We're the Seekers.(Make this is Italic.)


The Deadlands outside the Domes are, as the name implies, devoid of life. Well, that's in plain sunlight. On nights like these, it's another story.

You see, the bioweapons may have killed humans. Maybe some animals. But the biobombs were aimed at humans only. Have you ever been scared of a chihuahua? I have. Original chihuahuas may have been cute. Mutated chihuahuas are a lot less. Any mutated animal that lives out here is a terrifying nightmare. And guess who has to sleep in the Deadlands every now and then?

We do.
(Italic.)
We walk for days and nights without end, scavenging. We search the Deadlands for remnants of the ancient civilisation of the domeless times. What we find/,/we bring back.

I'm part of Seeker Unit 48. We dont have names. We don't need any. Just our numbers. My number is 3.(Great Idea for the numbers as names.I like the idea.It gives the hint of mystery.)





Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash