Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It was a dream… It was just a dream. No… it was one of those dreams again. This has been happening since I was very young, though they are much more vivid now. A sigh escapes my lips and I sit up. That was the closest I had been to seeing that woman’s face. From all the dreams I’ve had, I can only presume they were lovers. Though I cannot see why someone would kill their loved one.
My hand moves with a mind of its own as it reaches towards the small table next to my bed and grabs a miniature journal. Subconsciously, I open to the next blank page and start writing. Viras had told me to write down everything I remembered and then show it to him.
Viras was the oldest in the village at the age of 1,947. When I was young, I discovered that I possessed magic. By discovered, I mean turning my juice into a snake. After everyone else learned that I had magic in my veins, I was forced to move to the small forest everyone feared. I never knew my parents, and I stayed at an old house for orphans, so I went alone. I was only six at the time. Viras wouldn’t stand by and let them basically condemn a child to death, so he took me under his wing and raised me.
It really wasn’t bad, most would devastated finding out that they had magic in them. However, I had always found it interesting. My case was a bit different still, I had trouble controlling the magic I possessed. Usually by the age of 16, most Sorcerers and Sorceresses had their magic completely under control. However, I was 19 and I still had many issues with controlling it.
I groaned and stood up, stretching my limbs. I shrugged off my loose white shirt and slipped on some black leggings as well as my usual dark gray shirt. Over this I put on a black cloak, the hood mostly concealing my face from view. My worn down brown boots were slipped on as I headed towards the door. My journal and a few small coins were put inside my old leather satchel.
Lately, money was getting even more scarce. I used to sell potions, but people seem to have grown even more wary towards magic. Even Viras was getting sent hateful looks similar to the ones I had been sent since It was found that I had the blood of a witch. It angered me that he received those looks. He was the reason they were protected, yet they still didn’t trust him. The door to my two-roomed house was closed as I walked out. Locking it was pointless as it was protected by a charm.
The woods around my small home would be considered creepy or eerie to others, but I saw differently. If you looked past the tall trees and shadows, you could see the ravens caring for their young. The small dark purple flowers that littered the ground. The way the dew on spider webs glistened in the morning.
People didn’t see this through, their minds were too closed off. They only saw dark and mysterious things. Sometimes the young ones would see the ‘dark charm’ of the forest like I did. I knew that it was only a matter of time before their minds began to fear the forest as their parents do.
My boots made barely any noise as I walked, only making a small crunching noise every now and then when I stepped on a twig or leaf. Eventually I made it to the edge of the forest, where a meadow separated the village houses from the forest. My destination was near the middle of the village, where Viras’ house was. In the In the meadow was farming land, where all the crops were grown.
As I passed one field I saw a woman in a tattered dress and her son sprinkling seeds along the row. The young boy suddenly pointed at something in the meadow and smiled.
“Look! Look Mamma! A faerie!” The mother glanced up and briefly looked at where her son was pointing before hitting him on the head softly.
“I don’t know what you’re looking at Alyn, there’s no such thing as faeries! If you don’t get your head out of the clouds, you're never going to find a job and be able to raise a family.” She huffed and dragged the boy along. The boy briefly glanced at the spot he was once pointing at and reluctantly followed his mother.
A soft chuckle left my lips as I glanced to where the boy was looking at. Sure enough, a soft blue glow was bobbing up and down. The woman hadn’t seen the small graceful creature because she didn’t look close enough. Faeries blended into the background. Meaning if you weren’t looking for them, you wouldn’t see them. The same was said for many other magical creatures. Some big, some small, no one saw them. I did though, because I was magical myself.
Eventually, I turned and continued towards the village, ignoring the looks people sent my way. I was ignored by many, which I liked, while many of the women sent crude looks my way. Most likely because of the way I was dressed. It wasn't right for a lady to wear anything but skirt and dress.
Eventually I reached a house made of dark wood and had odd symbols carved onto the doorframe. I opened the door and walked in, not bothering to knock. The room inside was filled with many books scattered about, as well as scrolls and empty bottles. On the back wall all the way to the right was the entrance to a hallway.
“Viras?” I called out, pulling off my cloak and putting it on a small coat hanger nailed to the wall.
“In the back, Dear.” His muffled voice called back. I entered the back hallway, soon after a few steps, a door appeared. I turned a knob and walked in, only to duck abruptly when a green flash flew towards me.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hello, Elesium. I am finally here to review your work, as requested.
This was very amusing. I really didn't want the chapter to end and wanted to continue reading. I've always been a sucker for fantasy and now I realize it's because of mystery and abnormal characters. Anyway, enough with my rambling.
You have said many times that your weak point is present and past tenses. Let me help you out. You're writing in past tense so let me give you a link to a site that will help you with that: http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/parts ... chart.html
Past tense.
'Only presume' is like guessing. So if you've had so many dreams about them then you "tell they were lovers".
You changed it so he didn't kill her so you need to take that out before someone gets confused.
Past tense again. And you need a comma to set off "with a mind of its own". Also it's a fragment if you don't put a period there. And if you make the sentence start with "as" then you have to complete the thought so you can just take "as" out and problem solved.
I'd put this in parenthesis and keep it with the sentence before it just lower case "by".
I'd take out "everyone feared" because you explain that they feared it later.
I'd say this so you don't confuse anyone: "I never knew my parents so I went alone to an old house for orphans. I was only six at the time."
Typo.
Typo again.
'Faerie" means: fairyland. So, you want to spell it "fairy".
Comma after "family" lowercase "she". Hehe, I love this part in the story. The mother is so realistic.
That is true in the medieval ages women weren't allowed to wear pants because they would be wearing mens' clothing. This law was repealed in the 1970's.
Lowercase "Dear" and comma after it. Also lowercase "He".
Nice ending by the way. Anyway, I hope this review wasn't too long. I tried my best to shorten it but such is life. You have a great start here! Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keep
Thanks!! This helped out a lot!
(That link is really helpful as well) I shall be editing this soon!
The plot is interesting!The start is also.Changing the tenses..this was what i actually noticed to happen mostly in this piece of art.I think it can be corrected with training.The story is surely making me want to read more and i surely will.I think it can go far from here.You are pretty detailed in this and i like it.I hope you continue to develop this interesting beginning!
I wish you good luck and i know the small mistakes wont stop you from reaching your goals!We all learn.
Heheh, danke! Past and present tense always seem to be my biggest weak spot. xc
Hopefully as time goes I'll teach myself not to write like that. ^-^
Of course!I wish you luck.
Hello! I reviewed you Prologue, and it was quite good, so I decided to check out chapter one as well. I'll be reviewing this as I read it, so I'll point out things in the order that I see them. Alrighty, let's begin.
This is off to a good start so far. I find it interesting that you chose to write this in first person present tense, but so far it seems to be working out alright.
"Viras was the oldest in the village at the age of 1,947."
o.o Woah. Not much wrong here. I just thought that was interesting. Although I did notice that you have switched to past tense. You should stick to one tense. If you want to write it in present tense, then the whole narration should be in present tense and the sentence should read like this:
"Viras is the oldest in the village at the age of 1,947."
If you want to write it in past tense, then keep the sentence like you have it and change the beginning to past tense. (i.e. Instead of "A sigh escapes my lips and I sit up. " It would be "A sigh escaped my lips and I sat up.") I hope you're understanding what I'm trying to say. I don't really know how else to explain it.
"By discovered, I mean by turning my juice into a snake."
or
"By discovered, I mean I turned my juice into a snake."
"It
reallywasn’t bad, most would be devastatedfindingto find out that they had magic in them.""Lately, money was getting
evenmore scarce. I used to sell potions, but people seem to have grownevenmore wary towards magic.""even" is a filler word. It doesn't actually enhance your sentence in any way, so it can be left out.
"If you looked past the tall trees and shadows, you could see the ravens caring for their young."
I would advise against using "you" as it calls out the reader and breaks the fourth wall.
Alright, now for the part of the review you've probably been waiting for: the content!
I have now finished the chapter completely and it seemed to end rather abruptly. I'm assuming this was intentional, though, as it's just the end of one chapter. Anyway, as far as characters go, I think your character is developing nicely. You do a good job making your protagonist seem like a real person rather than a flat character. You also did really well with scene development. You use imagery very well and your plot, so far, seems consistent. Really, the only inconsistency I saw with your character is that she is in an area where women were expected to only wear skirts and dresses and such, so where did she get the leggings? You mentioned in your description that this was a medieval type thing. Did they have leggings back then, or am I thinking of a different thing? Anyway, you might want to clear that up.
That's all I have for you. I can't really say too much about your plot yet because this is only the first chapter. I will say though, that it seems to be developing nicely. Keep it up! I want to keep reading haha. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Thanks for another review!
I don't know why but I always seem to do that. Thanks for pointing those out!
Past and present have always been one of my biggest issues
As for the leggings, this is kind of my own twist on medieval magic. Witcjes and whatnot wore them in my story. I shall be putting more in about that later!
Thanks for pointing all this stuff out! It helps very much.
I also ended it abruptly since this there is still another part to chapter one. I did the chapter as part one and two because it would be too long if I posted the whole chapter. The next part will be just as long as this one ^-^