Elysium - Prologue

Hey just wanted to say, this is SO MUCH BETTER! I love it!

Oh man! This is a sweet prologue. It doesn't tell too much, it gives us two characters that we can care about, and wraps it all up with a shocker of an ending! You managed to pique my interest in this story by keeping it short and sweet, which is always preferable to long, dramatic, and exposition-y. (Not that it wasn't dramatic; it was, assuredly. But it didn't go over the top.) I read this after you made the switch from the guy stabbing her to El killing herself, and I've gotta say I appreciate the change. It makes a lot more sense, from what I've seen of the character. (Nice job on that, too! I had clear pictures of who these people were, despite some awkward writing.)
The final line definitely takes the cake, though. Poor dude.

A few notes:
You can cool it with the ellipses. Not everybody trails off in the middle of every sentence.
You used "her" and "feminine" at the beginning, then "their" in the middle, then switched back to "her" at the end. Be careful with stuff like that! It's inconsistent.
Watch your perspective. It seemed omniscient at times, and limited at others.
Not gonna lie, this definitely got better as it went on; there's so much telling and awkward phrasing in the first two paragraphs I almost didn't keep reading. (I'm glad I did, though!)

Imma read the next chapter now, haha.

Alright, I'm here to review your prologue. I'm going to be pointing out mistakes in your writing and helping you out as much as I can. If I sound like too mean or harsh, do let me know, but that's just what I do. The harshest feedback brings out the best in writers, I find. Improvements are made when you listen to said feedback and take it into consideration, applying it to your future works.

"A feminine figure crouched at the edge of a cliff." I'm not entirely sure why this character feels the need to crouch at a cliff edge.

"His bright green eyes filled with hate." Show, don't tell. One of the biggest tricks in the book. I guess I could mention some other examples of this in your work but I've decided to go along with one in fear of repetition. Instead of mentioning that his eyes are "filling with hate", say that his face has reddened, his muscles are tensed, or fists clenched.

"The hooded figure asked as a breathy chuckle left their lips, while the man’s eyes clouded over with." First of all, you don't need to say that a "breathy chuckle"--whatever that's supposed to mean--leaves their lips. Just say that they let out a chuckle or something. And yeah, what does breathy even mean? You'll want to change that up with something else. If you're looking for something creepy or evil, there are plenty of synonyms that offer a better description. Second of all, eyes don't "cloud over" with something. Your eyes can't show emotions, but your facial expressions can. If a character is experiencing "familiarity", all their muscles would loosen up and whatever anger remained would escape from their system.

“His voice was raspy, and laced with shock." I used to use the term "laced" with my writing, but it doesn't make any sense in this context. I see what you're getting at, but forget it. Just show that the character is in shock or use an alternative to "raspy" that describes this feeling of shock.

"The figure on the edge stood, and turned slightly, revealing a feminine figure." Stop using the word "figure". I understand that you want to create an ominous effect but repetition is awful in writing and can be avoided. And, stop describing this figure as "feminine"! If it's a woman, it's a woman.

"Lessening the shadow on their face to reveal a sad smile." Shadows aren't lessened. In fact, I can't find a single word that would work in this to describe the shadow's decrease. Your character's movements are so robotic and unrealistic, don't be pedantic and describe every single movement is happening. You want your work to be fluid and enjoyable to read.

"Despite the situation, a comfortable silence encased them." Again, I know what you're getting at, but a silence can't "encase" characters. Change it up, write that a comfortable silence followed.

"Once again, a silence swept through the atmosphere." Stop with these silences. Dialogues don't just have these large intervals between each character's speech. Come on, keep it fluid.

"Which were pressed together in a somber expression." You've described her face and expression to be sad so many times, the reader doesn't need to know about this! Cut the repetition out or your writing will become boring. Also, it's "sombre" not "somber".

"The man’s hand shook and his eyes widened as she took a step backwards. There we go, showing not telling, I like it! Nevertheless, I'm not sure "shook" is the right movement for someone's hand. To begin with, it doesn't sound right at all, and second of all my hand wouldn't just shake when I'm seeing a suicide attempt. Sure, he didn't have much time to think, but it's completely unnecessary to describe his hand movement.

"The man choked on his saliva in shock." Nobody just "chokes" on their saliva. First of all it's probably near impossible to do something like that. And second of all, what a little anticlimactic, don't you think? Oh, she's falling off a cliff and I'm choking on my saliva. That's not how you show shock. If this character really cares about Eli, then perhaps he'd be a little more dramatic towards the current situation.

"A small smile on her face." Nobody is happy about suicide, even if you're trying to create some sort of dramatic scene. Also, why not fight to stay alive? Yes yes, drama and all, but if I were her I wouldn't want to step off the edge of a cliff for some effect, I'd want to stay alive.

"Even in her last moments, she had bested him, and left him lost for words." How could she have possibly "bested" him. That was a suicide. Also, why would he be lost for words? I'd imagine he'd be pretty upset about the whole scenario, not just speechless.

There's your review. Though I'm honestly unconfident about the future of this story considering I got absolutely nothing out of this prologue plot-wise, I really don't understand where it goes from here, it was a decent read and I had a fun time reading and writing. And again, hope I don't sound too harsh.

I had already reviewed your beggining even if i needed to say my opinion for the prologue first but anyways.I'm here to do that now! XD I still think your plot is tempting for the readers because you had that hint of mystery added.I dont know for the others but atleast for me it is pretty good-looking and makes me want to go on with the reading.You don't reveal the whole situation and there is hint of drama also between the lovers which makes it even more interesting.Makes me want to know more.XD Anyways,go on i believe in you!

Hello, Elesium. Thanks for requesting a review. I will try my best to help you in every way I can. First off this was actually really cool. AT the beginning I didn't like it but at the end I was sad and found myself wanting to know the reason behind these terrible events. Let me get into the review though so I can help you out here.

A lone figure crouched at the edge of a cliff, a hood hiding all of their her features. Their Her brown cloak blew out slightly behind them her as they she stared at the valley below, not making a single movement. From behind, a man approached, sword in hand. His bright green eyes filled with hate, and his dark brown hair was slightly messy. He, too, wore a brown cloak, though his hood was down.

The person with the sword prepared to deliver the finishing blow, only to stop when a surprisingly feminine voice rang out.

“So. It really was you?” The hooded figure asked as a breathy chuckle left their lips, while the man’s eyes clouded over with.... Familiarity? Yes, he knew who this was.

“If I must. I cannot betray my lord.” No sooner than the words left his mouth, his sword pierced the abdomen of the woman before him. She let a quiet choking noise leave her lips, one that made his heart clench. He pulled his sword back, ripping it from her.

Even in her last moments, she had bested him, and left him lost for words.

OK, I'm kind of confused. He stabs the woman, but then thinks about saving her right after? She's already been stabbed, so she'd probably die even if she didn't fall off the cliff. And she's just like "you stabbed me to death, but I forgive you". I think she'd just be screaming and writhing in agony. Also, El is the name of the chief god in many Semitic (I don't mean Jewish) pantheons, and is also used as a name for the Abrahamic God occasionally. Was naming your character that intentional? The quality of the prose isn't bad though, although it could be polished some.

OK, I'm kind of confused. He stabs the woman, but then thinks about saving her right after? She's already been stabbed, so she'd probably die even if she didn't fall off the cliff. And she's just like "you stabbed me to death, but I forgive you". I think she'd just be screaming and writhing in agony. Also, El is the name of the chief god in many Semitic (I don't mean Jewish) pantheons, and is also used as a name for the Abrahamic God occasionally. Was naming your character that intentional? Th quality of the prose isn't bad though, although it could be polished some.

OK, I'm kind of confused. He stabs the woman, but then thinks about saving her right after? She's already been stabbed, so she'd probably die even if she didn't fall off the cliff. And she's just like "you stabbed me to death, but I forgive you". I think she'd just be screaming and writhing in agony. Also, El is the name of the chief god in many Semitic (I don't mean Jewish) pantheons, and is also used as a name for the Abrahamic God occasionally. Was naming your character that intentional? Th quality of the prose isn't bad though, although it could be polished some.

Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with your review!

First, I'd like to say nice title! I just really like that word, I don't know why. It just rolls off the tongue so nicely. Okay, now on to the review!

I'll start with grammar:
There were a few places where you used the wrong word. I'll point out a few for you.

"Then she lifted her head, just enough for the light to reveal her lips, with were pressed together in a somber expression."
with should be which.

"even is his head didn’t want to believe it."
is should be if

"His eyes lowered to the grown."
grown should be ground

My suggestion for preventing this in the future is to proofread a couple of times, leave it alone for a bit, and then come back and proofread it again. You might find something the second time that you missed the first.

Now, the part you've probably been waiting for. Let's review the content of your prologue.

This is a very intriguing opening to what I'm assuming is going to be a novel, so well done in that respect. That being said, when introducing your characters, you'll want to be careful to avoid describing everything about the character at once. Leave some room for the reader's imagination. This is just the prologue, you have plenty of time to fully introduce your character. If you get everything out there at once, it turns into just a list of characteristics, which is boring for the reader. Imagery is great, and you mostly use it well, but just don't overdo it. Don't spoon-feed your readers or they'll get bored.

In conclusion, you're off to a great start here and I'm excited to read what's next! Just be careful to make sure you proofread and slow down your character introduction a little (if that makes any sense.) Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!