Young Writers Society

Hello,raindrop here for a short review for this short but beautiful work.
So let's start.To be honest,I do not think the tittle is okey for this work but I think this can be changed,right?Still the writer's choice,I guess.
So for the work:




It’s been three months, almost(.)
Not quite (sure)what I wanted but(,)
I can’t say I expected anything more.

Cars pass us switching (,)speeding(.)
I turn the sunlight over and over like a coin in my palm.
Your music drowns out my thoughts but
they weren’t very well-developed anyway.

Flipping through the pages of the early evening, I say
“Let me recite something for you.”
I’m not sure how but the subject changes so I
recite love poems in my head.

Limbs leadened eyes deadened I seep
into the mattress, I weep into the phone.
The lines carry my voice to you but they
come back empty-handed.( i do not understand the meaning of the last sentence here)

It’s been raining for months in the
bedroom of my mind, the floor is
rotting away. Soon I will have nothing to stand on.
I am singing cantabiles to myself. (it is okey this way)

I’m not surprised I’m all alone.
Rough seas have a tendency to make
sailors jump ship. ( i would not change anything here)



Good job overall!

Wow... Beautiful! I'm really truly in love with your work. However, I feel like the title does not suit the piece. It's just awkwardly phrased - it says what you need/want it to say, but it's not very alluring to the reader because of the way it falls on the lips. I would retitle if it were my piece but that's only a suggestion. Regardless, the title of the piece is a poem all on its own.

Just a few nitpicks:

Cars pass us switching, speeding [I added a comma between switching & speeding for ease of the reader. Those inexperienced with poetry might not read it the way it was meant to be read]
I turn the sunlight over and over like a coin in my palm. [Beautiful imagery]
Your music drowns out my thoughts but
they weren’t very well-developed anyway. [Doubt is ever present in the narrator]

Flipping through the pages of the early evening, I say
“Let me recite something for you.”
I’m not sure how but the subject changes so I
recite love poems in my head. [A sense of subtle sadness and dissatisfaction here is powerfully conveyed]

Limbs leadened, eyes deadened I seep [added a comma for the same reason as above. excellent use of rhyme and imagery in combination]
into the mattress, I weep into the phone.
The lines carry my voice to you but they
come back empty-handed. [the voice or the lines come back empty handed? unclear... but this is just a nit picky thing I wanted to point out. I would leave the ambiguity as it is.]

It’s been raining for months in the
bedroom of my mind, the floor is
rotting away. Soon I will have nothing to stand on.
I am singing cantabiles to myself. [use of the word cantabile is too sophisticated in a piece like this for the average reader. If you want your audience to connect I would change it to "songs". However, if you write not for an audience but for yourself, leave it as it is]

I’m not surprised I’m all alone.
Rough seas have a tendency to make
sailors jump ship. [tremendous ending]

Overall, a thoroughly satisfying read. I felt the narrator's limpness and almost a sense of apathy throughout the piece. A powerful read.

Wow... Beautiful! I'm really truly in love with your work. However, I feel like the title does not suit the piece. It's just awkwardly phrased - it says what you need/want it to say, but it's not very alluring to the reader because of the way it falls on the lips. I would retitle if it were my piece but that's only a suggestion. Regardless, the title of the piece is a poem all on its own.

Just a few nitpicks:

Cars pass us switching, speeding [I added a comma between switching & speeding for ease of the reader. Those inexperienced with poetry might not read it the way it was meant to be read]
I turn the sunlight over and over like a coin in my palm. [Beautiful imagery]
Your music drowns out my thoughts but
they weren’t very well-developed anyway. [Doubt is ever present in the narrator]

Flipping through the pages of the early evening, I say
“Let me recite something for you.”
I’m not sure how but the subject changes so I
recite love poems in my head. [A sense of subtle sadness and dissatisfaction here is powerfully conveyed]

Limbs leadened, eyes deadened I seep [added a comma for the same reason as above. excellent use of rhyme and imagery in combination]
into the mattress, I weep into the phone.
The lines carry my voice to you but they
come back empty-handed. [the voice or the lines come back empty handed? unclear... but this is just a nit picky thing I wanted to point out. I would leave the ambiguity as it is.]

It’s been raining for months in the
bedroom of my mind, the floor is
rotting away. Soon I will have nothing to stand on.
I am singing cantabiles to myself. [use of the word cantabile is too sophisticated in a piece like this for the average reader. If you want your audience to connect I would change it to "songs". However, if you write not for an audience but for yourself, leave it as it is]

I’m not surprised I’m all alone.
Rough seas have a tendency to make
sailors jump ship. [tremendous ending]

Overall, a thoroughly satisfying read. I felt the narrator's limpness and almost a sense of apathy throughout the piece. A powerful read.

Hi, Glauke! So just to start this off, the only reason I was here was because the title caught me attention so that's always a good way to start. I liked the second stanza even though I had to re-read it, but I feel as if that made the whole poem better for me as a whole. The part I loved most though was the last stanza as I feel it perfectly pulled everything together in a way that I felt so complete after reading it that I just had to read it again in the perspective of knowing what the ending was. Overall I felt as if there were no problems that stood out to me as it was so well written. Just keep on writing as I can't wait for whatever you send out next!

Hello and good job on spotlight

So on to the review... When I read it I really couldnt find any grammer or spelling mistakes

Tell me if im wrong but this poem is abought lonlyness isnt it? any way there wasnt really any issues so please PM me your awnser to the question and have a good one



(Keep Wreiting )

Hello, Glauke! Tulip here to give you a review on your poem, from which the name made me want to review this.

I loved the emotions that came out of this piece because I feel like it could be for anyone. The first stanza is what made me catch onto this poem, and made me want to continue reading, which is something I like. The phrasing you used made the emotions seem to seep out and make the reader feel them.

The second stanza is one that made me reread it a few times to understand what it meant. Which isn't a bad thing, I guess. The first line in it is kinda confusing with "switching speeding", and I don't think I know for sure that means. And for a college student, is that bad? But the rest of the stanza is something that I liked. The second line contains powerful imagery which is something every writer strives for. The way you used your words and simple yet descriptive made the line jump out and made me really be able to see the action, as if sunlight was like a coin.

The rest of the poem was good. It kept the emotional tone just about the same, till you reached the end, where it turned to a more somber tone. This is good especially with what you were talking about within the stanza.

I didn't really see anything wrong with your poem.

So I wish you luck.

Hi, Glauke! Thanks for the PM, and introducing me to this masterpiece. Truly, it's incredible. From the second I read the title, I was intrigued.

The first stanza is a good start. It has increasingly deepening qualities, and emotions radiating off of it, like regret, disappointment, kind of an, "Oh well" feeling to it. The first line in the second stanza was confusing the first time I read it. I told you when I reviewed Endgame that I loved how you just put words together without punctuation or separation, but the "switching speeding" made me read it twice to figure out what it meant. Of course, this may have just been me and my early morning sleepiness it's 10:30 am, but I figured I'd let you know that it took me a moment to register on this line. Especially since all the rest of your lines, and poems in general, have an excellent flow. I love the simile you used when you wrote, "I turn the sunlight over and over like a coin in my palm." That really spoke to me, and I could picture the sunlight, twisting and turning, it had really good imagery.

I loved the part where it said, "Flipping through the pages of the early evening," because I imagined someone sitting in a chair, turning pages as each minute goes by, while the sun is slowly setting in the window. The pictures in my head that appear when I read your poetry are crystal clear, which just goes to show what an amazing writer you are.

"Limbs leadened eyes deadened..." Another beautiful line. I love the repetition-rhyming thing you've got going on. It is easy to read and makes it very relatable. I think that while stanza is my favorite part of the poem. The "come back empty-handed" is just brilliant. I'm telling you, it's like watching a movie when I read your poems. Beautiful.

"Rough seas have a tendency to make
sailors jump ship."

Wow. I can't even, with these lines. Goddamn. You know, there's just nothing to say about these. Yeah. Just wow.

You're an amazing writer, and you have a way with words that I've never quite seen before, in anyone. I am speechless after reading your works, and I'm inspired to write something of my own. The ability to do that to people is pretty rare, so cherish it. This was amazing<3

~Caterpickle