Old Ry lay still for her legs and the rest of her body had given up on her while her mind kept working. Delicately she took long drawn out breaths. Even those were becoming too much for the old family dog to do. These prolonged breaths became the only sense of movement the family had seen in days. No longer could been seen the one they threw sticks for but of the body she had engulfed. Loud barks and meows from other animals penetrated the families eardrums. Dim and somber lighting set up the mood for everyone to cope with their own way. The taste of salt encompassed their mouths for their tears had nowhere else to go. As each breath became further and further apart old Ry kept trying to fight even with her body giving up. With the last breaths approaching all hands tenderly pet her fur that was a warm and cozy as a hug from your mother. All were wishing their dearest best friend would just blink or give them some sign she was okay and that they could all just go home. That sign never came, for the glimmer in her eyes no longer showed. The twinkle, the spunk, and the hope was all gone. Old Ry was no longer there to wag her tail, eat your important papers or rub up on you when you had food. Her body lay still only there to help with closure and understanding for the ones who loved her so much. Slowly old Ry took one last breath and the room felt a great deal of desolation and comfort. They no longer had their best friend but she was no longer fighting, no longer struggling, and no longer in pain. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your lessons. Thank you for your endless sass. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you dear old Ry.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey! I am here for a quick review!
Welcome to YWS, your new, just like me! I hope you enjoy just as much as I am so far.
First off, I can see that people will relate to this. I've heard a lot of stories about peoples pets dying, so they will understand this. None of my pets have ever died, unless you count some goldfish. I don't see any spelling mistakes, which is good. Punctuation is good.
You could add more description of what the dog looked like? And maybe stretch the story out a little. Some sentences could be changed, so it is easier for the reader to understand and visualize.
Other than these things, I hope you keep writing stories! Good work
Hello, here for a short review!
Also, I am half-asleep, so if anything doesn't make sense, that's because. Bleh.
First off, welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying it here. It seems this short story is based off of someone you like or rather, a dog that has passed away. I could relate to this story since I had a frog who hopped away when I let him go outside. Anyway. Since I am sure this has happened recently (or perhaps in the past) I suggest, maybe, putting your own adventures with Ry in the beginning. For example, you could say that the dog and you would often go into the woods and throw a stick around. You do, however, show that even the simple task can be hard for her which could explain as to why you put her down.
A simple suggestion that I have is simply adding more to the story. What did the dog look like? The emotions of this short story seem almost raw. Like, you should whip most of it into something worth wild. Provide some description as to how you might feeling when all of this is going on. As the reviewer said below me, you do provide a very indepth feeling for how you are about to lose your dog. That could relate back to some dog owners that lost their dogs or had to put them up for adoption.
The ending of this short story seems to be just your thoughts or perhaps you are speaking this to the dog. As keepwriting stated, it could be less choppy. If you are in doubt about writing a beginning, middle or end: read aloud the thought in your head and see how you can change it. You could add more onto the short story (as I said before) and make the ending, a new beginning of some sort.
Overall, I liked this story and I'm sorry to hear about your dog.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!
Steggy
Hello it's Keepwriting here for a review just trying to clear out the green room. This was so sad! Poor puppy... *sniffle sniffle* I did enjoy reading this so I'm going to be the first to click the "like" button. But let's get into tips and corrections, shall we?
"while her mind kept working" isn't necessary because if her mind wasn't working she'd be dead already. Also, I'd spell "Ry" "Rye" because I think that's the correct way to spell it but I guess it's the name of a dog and you could have named it "coco" if you wanted to.
This sentence is a bit confusing so maybe you could word it something like this:
"No longer could they see the dog they threw sticks for but only the body she engulfed."
To increase the feel this sentence has to it you could change the way you word it. Maybe something like this:
"Dim and somber lighting set an ambiance that helped everyone cope, in their own way."
The "a" after "was" should be "as". I think that was just a typo.
You can make this compound so that it's not so long by using commas and "and".
Saying "I love you" so many times isn't necessary. You could make it into one sentence by saying:
"'I love you dear old Ry...'" I whispered as I hugged her suddenly lifeless body.' Or:
"I love you dear old Ry and I will never forget you."
That way it's just more simple and not so choppy or repetitive. Anyway, I enjoyed this please continue writing. I would like to read more from you in the near future.
~Keepwriting
Hi there, this is my review for you.
I really did enjoy this piece. Though, I also found that it was slightly difficult to read at times. However, After rereading this a few times I can now tell you why this is so.
Ok. First off, I feel this is a really in-depth, accurate and heartfelt interpretation into the death of a pet (specifically a dog). I feel like anyone who has lost a pet, would have experienced the overwhelming sadness this story entails. This story was also very emotionally draining, and for the type of writing this piece is, that is a very good aspect and I feel it makes the readers experience all the more real.
The only thing I would change is a story like this, is the use commas and the cut-off /run-on Sentences.
Let me explain with a few examples.
-"Old Ry lay still for her legs and the rest of her body had given up on her while her mind kept working"- from this very first sentence, I was very confused. I would recommend changing The part "Old Ry lay still for her legs....." into something along the lines of "Old Ry lays still on her worn out bed/blanket, It seems her body has given up while her mind keeps working."
Let us continue.
"Delicately she took long drawn out breaths." to me, this sentence seems slightly choppy and rough. a bit of re-wording and a comma would help tremendously. "She delicately took long, Drawn out breaths" sounds a lot better (in my opinion).
Look out for these things in the future, and while writing, try and find ways to smooth out sentences .I also feel a little bit of elaboration into the details you are giving would definitely aid in making this piece even better.
other than those minor things, I feel this is a brilliantly written piece, that was very visible and fun (though emotional) to read.
*Keep on Writing!*
Hey there, Catalyst here for a quick review, right after the tears dry off of my computer!
....
Ok, we're good!
So, I really liked this short, sad piece. It's a fairly realistic interpretation of the death of a pet, and everything about it has a lot of weight to it. And this is coming from someone who's never lost a pet (Other than a goldfish, but... yeah). All in all, it left quite an impression, and even as I type I can feel the sorrow of the piece weighing in my chest.
Your descriptions were quite good, but felt a little rough at times. Let me throw out an example or two-
"
. Delicately she took long drawn out breaths
There are multiple where the sentence could have flowed a lot more smoothly if re-structured. Reworded, it flows a little better-
"She delicately took long, drawn out breaths" (I also notice the lack of a comma, which would have helped)
It's just something to watch out for in the future. Just look over the sentences a little more and see if they can be smoothed out. Other than that, fantastic work, I enjoyed it a lot.
Now then, I ought to go and cry myself to sleep.