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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Mary-Jane Elizabeth III

by speakerskat


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

     Mary-Jane Elizabeth III 

   All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. No family has the same problems; even if they are the same, individuals treat them differently. I was my family’s problem.

   Mary-Jane Elizabeth III, what a God awful name for a boy. I refused to use it and insisted everyone call me MJ, for the most part they did. My family however, was a different story.

   “Mary-Jane, look at me baby.” I obeyed my mother, I could tell she was analyzing every inch of me. From my curly auburn hair, to my striking green eyes and freckled cheeks. She crossed her arms over her bosom and scowled at the dress I was wearing, making a great fuss about my appearance. “Ma, I would really rather you call me MJ. And for the last time, I will not wear a dress in public!” She gave me the look of death and lowered her voice to a chilly whisper.

   “Honeybunch, God made you a beautiful young woman. You haven’t got the parts of a man.” She poked my chest at this and chuckled coolly.

   “Besides, I won’t have my daughter make a fool out of me at my sister’s wedding.” She pulls the corset of the dress tight at the waist until my bust is practically spilling out of the top. Alabama born and Christian bred, my mother is a faithful woman with and unshakable will.

   I sighed and mumbled to myself, “God gave me the mind of a man and the personality to boot. The lord loves all his children, why don’t you love me how I am? “I had dealt with this woman and the rest of my narrow minded family for 18 long years, I was at my wits end.

   She pulled my long locks into a pony tail in one practiced motion as she hollered for my brother Joseph to start the truck.

   “Now then Mary-Jane, I expect you to be on your best behavior. The very definition of femininity and sophistication.” She marched out of the room, her hips swishing and heels clicking all the way down the hall. I trotted clumsily after her, everything about my attire forced and unnatural.

   “Lookin’ like a real fine lady today Miss Mary-Jane!” My dad caged me in a bear hug before heaving me into the truck after my perfect mother. Mary, Jane. Miss Mary-Jane. The syllables grated against my mind almost as rough as the fabric of my yellow bridesmaid dress.

   I gazed out the window as we kicked up dust along the winding country roads that led to St. Franc Chapel. House after house, street after street, person after person. Each faded into the next in this little town. I was a splotch of color in their monochrome world that needed to be blotted out.

   My mother could sense my uneasiness and rubbed my hand with her thumb.

   “Don’t be anxious Puddin’ Pop, you look like a lovely delicate flower.”

   I didn’t move as we pulled into the churchyard, just glanced at her from the corner of my eye. She had that porcelain smile plastered on her rosy cheeks.

   “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

   My brother and father made their way to their seats and my mother and I found the other brides maids. Naturally, she was the maid of honor. Once everyone was in their proper places and had quite settled down, the ceremony began.

   Father Jacob stood on an elegant podium next to the dapper groom. The organ played the fateful tune and the bride walked gracefully down the aisle; her aged father at her arm and her dress glistening in the sunlight streaming in from the windows. I held my breath and stood very stiff, this was the stuff southern dreams were made of.

   That’s all I remember before everything went black and a crackling broke through my mind.

   I awoke surrounded by women in pale yellow dresses just like mine, except mine was stained crimson with my blood. I had locked my knees and fallen backwards into a mirror, the remnants of which were scattered about me. I heard fragments of voices all around me.

   “Mary-JaneDarlin’, are you alright?” My mother.

   “I told you, thosegaychildren are the problematic ones. Trying to ruin the happiest day of my life, what abastard!” The groom, tears now.

   “The poorgirl!Get this child some water.” My aunt.

   “She’ssuch an attentionwhore. I betshedid it one purpose, always was a rotten child. Sexuality this and gender, what a bunch of malarkey!” My grandfather, I couldn’t take it.

   I reached down in a haze and picked up one of the jagged shards, gripping it firmly until trickles of blood flowed from my hands. I reached up and in one swift movement, severed my shimmering hair.

   A hushed gasp rippled through the crowed, no one breathed. I kicked off my heels and tore the hem of my dress. I stood flat on my feet and looked directly into my mother’s emerald eyes.

   “I am not Mary-Jane, call me MJ or almost anything else. I’ve been a boy since the day I was born and I will die a boy, regardless of what any of y’all think. So go ahead and say those awful things about your own flesh and blood if that’s the kind of person you want to be. I know who I am and there are people who love me for me even if none of y’all will!”

   I turn to the bride, who had since broken out in tears, and offer my sincerest apologies. Then I march out of the building, hotwire the truck, and drive off into the sunset. It was the happiest day of my life, I could finally be me.


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Sun Mar 13, 2016 4:49 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hey, speakerskat. Sorry it took so long. My life's been packed. Anyway, I'm going to get into the review...

Beginning: Okay, this didn't even seem real to me. The mother is so wrapped up in herself she can't even tell what's going on with her daughter. The daughter is so snotty that she wont even be a girl just for a day so that someone she knows can have a happy wedding. She's a bridesmaid. Why couldn't she just say she doesn't want to be the bridesmaid? It's her aunt's wedding right? She can be a girl (which she is) for a little while.

The mother you made seem like a complete and total jerk. It's not even realistic. She uses all these pet names and such. Ugh... and it really ruined the story.

Middle: I don't understand. How did she end up with blood all over herself? She fell backwards into the mirror? How did the mirror get there? Why did she even fall backwards? Bad balance? You need to elaborate.

End: This was a terrible way to end the story. I don't really know what to say because it was such a short ending that I can't even comment on it.

I really didn't like this story. Not because it's because of someone who is transgender but because; Mary isn't realistic, her parents aren't, her grandfather is such a jerk, and it doesn't even make sense. Why is she going to the wedding in the first place if everyone thinks she'll make it about herself?

This story needs a lot of work. You need to explain things so much more. Or you'll leave your reader with nothing. They'll ask themselves the question, "Why did I even read this?" Give them a reason to not just because you asked them to.

~Keepwriting

P.s. Sorry if this came off as harsh just trying to help. :3




speakerskat says...


Yes let's just totally mutilate my rough draft and offer nothing but negitave comments about my story. I never said it was fiction...



RubyRed says...


It's a review. And it's not all negative. I'm trying to help.



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Thu Mar 10, 2016 1:20 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! Here as requested :D

I was a bit confused at first and then a couple of paragraphs in it all clicked and I was really excited because the world so needs literature about trans people. Since this story is so short, I'm really glad that you focused on one singular event - this wedding. I thought it was a good event to choose because it would easily bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings about gender and roles. That was a smart choice.

Execution wise, the biggest thing I think you could do to take this to the next level is add more description. We're going to a wedding, but I don't really feel like I'm there and like I'm experiencing this alongside the characters. With short stories you don't have a ton of space to develop things so you really have to make use and make the most of the space you do have. I want a lot more setting. I want a lot more description of what's going on. I want to feel like I know these characters even though I'll only get to know them for a snapshot in time. Since this is first person I really want to get deep into this characters head and feel what he feels and understand how he thinks. All of this is obviously much easier said than done, and you're definitely on the right track! I'll try to point out some instances of where I think you can do more and expand a bit when I get into specifics.

The other bigger picture thing I wanted to point out was the ending. I was feeling the story and I was liking it until he passed out and everyone said their comments and he came out and then left. To me, that felt really abrupt and a bit unrealistic. I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert on trans people, because I most certainly am not. However, I have done a fair amount of research on trans people both for academics and for personal interest. I think I'll talk about this more when I get into specifics.

And here are my specific thoughts:

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. No family has the same problems; even if they are the same, individuals treat them differently. I was my family’s problem.

This opening didn't do much for me. The stuff about how some families are felt to general to me and besides the point. I think you could start with how you ended this little paragraph and make it really blunt like "I was the problem in my family." Then you could elaborate about why he's the problem. Like a bit of a transition into:
Mary-Jane Elizabeth III, what a God awful name for a boy.

this and you're golden. I loved this line. It's simple, yet it conveys a lot. I have soooo many questions and I'm dying to read on.

I refused to use it and insisted everyone call me MJ, for the most part they did. My family however, was a different story.

I think this could be expanded a bit.
"refused" and "insisted" are strong words. I like that you're showing the MC's anger and frustration with the situation, but I think you could tone it down a bit. "hated" and "asked" maybe?
Who is "everyone" and "they"? Elaborate on that point a bit. Where does this happen? How does this make him feel? Then contrast this with his family. What is his family like? Why does he guess they don't accept him? How does that feel? How has he tried to get them to see things his way?

“Mary-Jane, look at me baby.”

Transition a bit into this dialogue. We've just had narration about the situation and now we're immediately into dialogue. Where are we? Who is talking? You could transition by setting the scene and painting the reader a little picture about where we are, just to orient us a bit before really launching into things.

I obeyed my mother, I could tell she was analyzing every inch of me. From my curly auburn hair, to my striking green eyes and freckled cheeks.

New paragraph at the start of this quote because you've gone from her dialogue to his actions.
I would also tweak these sentences a bit. Period after "I obeyed my mother" because that's one complete thought. "I could tell..." How can he tell? What does she look like or what is she doing that signals that for him? Then that last sentence is missing a subject and verb. You could combine it with the sentence before it but that might start to get long. You could also simply add "She looked over my curly..." or something like that.

“Ma, I would really rather you call me MJ. And for the last time, I will not wear a dress in public!” She gave me the look of death and lowered her voice to a chilly whisper.

“Honeybunch, God made you a beautiful young woman.

You need to switch up your paragraphs a bit here. New paragraph at "Ma..." because you've gone from action to dialogue unrelated to that action. Then at "She gave", another new paragraph because he just spoke and that's her action. "Honeybunch..." should be in the same paragraph as "She gave" because the description at the end about her voice (the "chilly whisper") is connected to the dialogue she's about to deliver.

“Besides, I won’t have my daughter make a fool out of me at my sister’s wedding.”

This can be in the same paragraph as her other dialogue.

my mother is a faithful woman with and unshakable will.

Little typo here - I think you meant "an" instead of "and". :)

I had dealt with this woman and the rest of my narrow minded family for 18 long years, I was at my wits end.

Expand this. I want to know way more about this family and what MJ has had to endure. That will make their words to him at the end and his decision at the end make more sense because we'll have a better sense of what the background is with this family. I'll feel for MJ more and I'll be more on his side and we'll care about him a lot more if we know more specifics here.

The syllables grated against my mind almost as rough as the fabric of my yellow bridesmaid dress.

Love this showing of his feelings! Great illustration.

“Don’t be anxious Puddin’ Pop, you look like a lovely delicate flower.”

What's going through his mind or how is he feeling after she says this? That's one amazing thing about first person is that the reader can really get a window into someone else's mind. I looove first person for this reason and I love to get into people's heads. Give me the goods here! :)

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

I'm guessing MJ is saying this. How is he saying it? Is it more under his breath? Is it a thought? Is it loud enough for others to hear?

My brother and father made their way to their seats and my mother and I found the other brides maids. Naturally, she was the maid of honor. Once everyone was in their proper places and had quite settled down, the ceremony began.

Father Jacob stood on an elegant podium next to the dapper groom. The organ played the fateful tune and the bride walked gracefully down the aisle; her aged father at her arm and her dress glistening in the sunlight streaming in from the windows. I held my breath and stood very stiff, this was the stuff southern dreams were made of.

I think this could all be slowed down. We jump forward pretty quickly from MJ not wanting to get out of the vehicle to the wedding happening. I know you probably don't want to waste a ton of space describing a wedding, and that's fine. However, I think you could slow it down a bit and take us through what's going on a little more. I would also love more of MJ's thoughts and feelings woven through this whole process. How does it feel to walk into the church dressed this way? How does it feel to participate in the wedding? What's going through his mind?

That’s all I remember before everything went black and a crackling broke through my mind.

I've never passed out, but I'm pretty sure before you do, you start to feel a little funny. This felt super abrupt and out of the blue. Did he lock his knees on purpose? Did he want this to happen?

“I told you, thosegaychildren are the problematic ones. Trying to ruin the happiest day of my life, what abastard!” The groom, tears now.

“She’ssuch an attentionwhore. I betshedid it one purpose, always was a rotten child. Sexuality this and gender, what a bunch of malarkey!” My grandfather, I couldn’t take it.

There's a line in-between these, but both of these lines were surprising to me. A wedding is a very formal, elegant affair. Even if the groom and the grandfather have strong feelings against MJ, the middle of a wedding seems like a strange place to start spewing that. Remember, they're in front of all of their friends and family.
If this is how they feel, fine, but to me, it would feel more realistic or make more sense if this happened off to the side somehow. Like maybe they ushered MJ out of the sanctuary because he's hurt and family is gathered around (outside of the sanctuary) and they're all discussing it?

I reached up and in one swift movement, severed my shimmering hair.

This was a bit melo-dramatic in my opinion. It also seems a bit challenging to pull off. He's laying down, so reaching around and cutting off a bunch of his hair would be a bit awkward. I'm guessing MJ is in some pain right now having just gone through a mirror and being covered in blood. I would guess he would be in some shock and would be a little startled, so deciding to cut off his hair seems a bit of a strange choice in this exact moment.

A hushed gasp rippled through the crowed, no one breathed. I kicked off my heels and tore the hem of my dress. I stood flat on my feet and looked directly into my mother’s emerald eyes.

Again, right after this startling, probably painful event?

“I am not Mary-Jane, call me MJ or almost anything else. I’ve been a boy since the day I was born and I will die a boy, regardless of what any of y’all think. So go ahead and say those awful things about your own flesh and blood if that’s the kind of person you want to be. I know who I am and there are people who love me for me even if none of y’all will!”

I turn to the bride, who had since broken out in tears, and offer my sincerest apologies. Then I march out of the building, hotwire the truck, and drive off into the sunset. It was the happiest day of my life, I could finally be me.

I get that you're going for drama and you want a happy ending. It's definitely dramatic and it doesn't get much happier than driving off into the sunset.
However, I don't think it's very realistic. I get that he's living with a lot of pain and he's had enough, but this action would take a considerable amount of courage. Think about it. He is 100% alienating himself from his entire family and going off on his own. That sounds great given the situation, but it's a lot harder to live on your own than you might think. Plenty of trans people do leave their homes for reasons similar to MJ's, but it's not all rosey from there on out. It's hard to be trans. And just because he's going to be able to live as MJ now doesn't mean his life will be free from hardship now. He could very easily be in danger from his own family for coming out in such a brazen, public way. I understand why he wanted to leave, but I don't understand why his exit was so public.

I guess if you really want him to leave in such a dramatic fashion, I would set it up a bit more earlier in the story. I want to know waaaay more about the history with this family. I've already touched on this, but knowing more about the history will help the reader understand his decision to leave. I want to know way more about his support system outside of his family. That will help me believe he'll have a future when he leaves (because not having a support system is a recipe for disaster). Kind of along those lines, I want to know what his plan is after he leaves. What is he hoping to do next? I want to know more about his personality. This will come out in his internal monologue/thoughts/feelings and will be helpful because if he has a bit of a brazen personality that has been very apparent throughout the story, his big confession at the end will make a lot more sense.

Overall though, I think this is an important story and I'm glad you wrote it! Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




speakerskat says...


Oh



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Wed Mar 09, 2016 9:32 pm
XxXTheSwordsmanXxX wrote a review...



Greetings,

I have to say that I really did enjoy this story. Trying to express the feelings of someone that is being completely repressed of who they are because those around them do not find it to be okay. This is a real life issue happening right now all over the world. Thank you for sharing it.

Your descriptions are terrific and the way that you wrote the first person perspective is one of the best I have seen here. There is a minor grammatical error in the last portion of the story "She’ssuch an attentionwhore. I betshedid it one purpose..." I think that you meant "did it on purpose." Other than that I didn't see anything that needed to be addressed.

Thank you for sharing this and bringing this story to life. It is easy to see that you put your heart into this story and that is what makes stories great.

Happy Writing!




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Wed Mar 09, 2016 2:38 am
Poopsie wrote a review...



As requested, I'm here for a review.

To say the least, I like it. Your plot intrigues me, your dialogue is a bit stale, but your story line makes up for that. However, I want to point out two things.

First, I feel like you ended this very quickly. It doesn't feel like their was a real climax or a building of tension. It feels like the things she does are just a bit arbitrary. I suggest adding more drama and tension throughout the plot that builds up to the climax. Give some background too, we have to be invested in the character, it makes her actions more important to us.

Secondly, their are few typos, but in short stories they are very noticeable. Make sure you read over your work before you post it. This relates back to my first point too, make sure you are sure your readers become invested in your character.

Other than that, great short story. I feel you are very strong in most places, but weaker when it comes to adding drama and a climax to your stories. I hope to see more short stories from you. Make sure to notify me when you have another.

-the pigeon





Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird