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In the Absence of Stars - 2.2

by Jericho

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285 Reviews

Points: 237
Reviews: 285

Sun May 08, 2016 1:29 pm
GreenTulip wrote a review...

Hello Tulip here to give you a review on your chapter. I'll be honest I haven't read any of your other chaoters, but this chapter seemed to be okay to read by itself.

So this remedy a little confusing where dialogue was and we're the narrative was. I'd try to clean it up a little bit. Another thing that I noticed, thst made it a bit harder to read, was that some of the paragraphs seemed muddled and that was more confusing to me than anything. I'd just suggest reading back through them, probably out loud and see where you can make any changes.

So it feels like this chapter is just more background information into the character that is receiving the ride. We learn more about theit past and why they want to do what they have planned.

It would have been nice to see you show the environment around them more. Have the girl or Cat look out the window, and show what they see. It'd add more variety into the story.

Keep on writing,

User avatar
518 Reviews

Points: 7946
Reviews: 518

Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:15 am
felistia wrote a review...

Hi Jericho, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Story: I am so glad that the story is moving on and that our character is back on the road. I still don't know what the plot going ahead will be, but I am really happy that you finally gave the reason why Seven is out here. You chose quite a good place to insert this information, because I am already pretty fond of Seven and can relate to why she decided to pick up and leave. As for the story going forward, I look forward to seeing how Cat and Sevens road trip pans out. :D

Characters: So you seem to be giving a good amount of back story to Seven every chapter and at the right moments to, whether it is through thoughts or dialogue. Cat I am looking forward to seeing what his personality is like. One this did feel a bit of through this chapter though. I didn't think that you made Seven feel sad enough for Page and you also seem to have forgotten to mention the scratches in her neck. Being that it is only the next day, I am sure that they would still be really sore. Just mention it some where. :D

Description: Now this is where you really did a good job this time around. I can see that you put a lot of effort into the description in this chapter and it really paid off. You got the early morning cold just right. The only thing that I think you could have more of is colour. Just a dash of crimson here and there. :D

Small mistakes: As for grammar or punctuation mistakes, I couldn't find any. :D

Overall it was another great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx