Young Writers Society

Hey there!
The first thing that strikes me in the first paragraph is the description - or, lack of. You've done an alright job at setting the scene, but i feel like it could be better to paint a really clear picture. Such as, is the pier wooden or concrete? Is the main characters hair being whipped around their face blond or brown or what? Is the location dark, cold, smelly, peaceful? Are there lots of people about? You say its getting dark, but maybe you could describe the sunset or twilight, and show us more surroundings. I'm just having a hard time picturing the peir and understanding what type of location it is to the main character. I think it might be the local teenage hang out? Why is Lake there alone? Is Lake sitting there enjoying the view? What does the view look like? There's just so much I can't see at the moment. Remember the main senses when you're writing; sight, sound, smell, and touch. Then there's also the emotional sense of things. Lake feels ready to go home, but does Lake feel impatient, bored, peaceful... why is Lake ready to go home? What was Lake doing previously?

I like the background story for how the two of them met, it's really sweet. I also like how you straight up say that Alden is gay, because most stories with gay characters have them coming out at later in the story, so its refreshing to read about someone who is already "out of the closet".

Just one nit-pick:
"“I’m telling you,” He said as we slid..."
"He" doesnt need to start with a capital letter since it follows a comma.

Nice job ending on a cliff hanger. I like it!

This was a little short, but it sets the scene for the rest of the story, which is good. I'm off to review chapter two now!

-Zsmith

Hello, moonpolice. I was planning on reading your second chapter but I hadn't read your first one yet so... why not?! I liked this very much and I think I'm going to read the second chapter so prepare to see me again.

1st off: This was a little short but it left me wanting to read the second chapter.

2nd: Your sentences are a little choppy, which can easily be mended if you read allow and think, "How can I make this flow better?" Usually it's really simply. Like just add a conjunction in there somewhere or make a noun clause. Little things like that.

3rd: I thought it was lacking in description. Tell what Lake looks like: beautiful eyes? brown hair? fair skin? short? tall? Imagination is good but you don't want your reader to always be guess.

4th: A common mistake ever writer makes is rushing the story. Take your time add some details, put in some humor, action, drama. You know what I mean (I hope).

Keep writing and NEVER get discouraged!

Hey, welcome to the site!

I'm new to YWS too, and this is my first review actually, so sorry if it's a little lacking or anything!

This is a great chapter to start off the story, and I like how simple the writing is. The details are all straightforward and to-the-point, and it makes for an easy read that flows really well. From the start, you've created an interesting friend duo (Lake and Alden) that draws the reader in, and I like that you've already alluded to their past and the story of them being friends. And as someone who's LGBTQA+, I have to say that I love that you've included a gay protagonist. It's becoming more and more common-ground in recent years to have LGBTQA+ characters, and I'm very happy to see that you're contributing to this.

There are a few grammatical errors but, from what I can tell, the other reviewers have already covered the ones I've noticed, so I'm not going to be too repetitive on that. But in general, I love this first chapter, and I look forward to reading more!

Hi there moonpolice! Welcome to YWS.

I felt that this was a fairly easy read. Your way with words is quite straightforward and simple which I appreciate. There is nothing confounding my understanding of what is going on and everything feels very real and yet terribly intriguing. Already, you've create a sentiment of interest around Lake and Alden and one can't help but ship them as a pair from the very beginning. Kudos to you on developing this so quickly and so early on!

I do admire the fact that you've chosen a gay protagonist. It's only the past few years that such topics have been included in fiction more, although it's important to be rather careful because it still remains a sensitive subject for some, even those belonging to the LGBTQIA+ group. Be mindful when writing such characters as you're going to want to be as accurate as possible or else include disclaimers. I don't doubt you've done your fair share of digging.

At the moment, this sort of reminds me of the book Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan (?), just in the way that it's written and the sort of friendship between Alden and Lake. Of course, I can't base your chapter off of much right now because it's so short but I'm curious to see how this will develop because right now, in spite of its wonderful easiness, there's not a whole lot of special about it. It is unique in ways, but there is nothing that makes it shine stronger the average teeny fiction. I feel like you definitely have the time and space in this chapter to maybe elaborate a bit more on Lake as a character because right now I feel like I have more insight on Alden than the main character, which is a bit of an issue. Because this is in first person, it would be nice to take advantage of the fact that we are supposed to be in Lake's head as it is - perhaps give us a few more subjective thoughts. I want to know more about this kid.

A few nitpicks:

jumped up onto the ridge beside me.

He reminded me of a horrible prom picture from the 80’s.

and I had read it so many times that there were fingerprints on the corners on some of the pages.

Hey, welcome to the site! C:

I have to admit, teen fiction is sort of relaxing for me. I don't know why, it just sort of is that way. Anyway, your chapter here was no exception; I saw it was a teen fiction novel and thought "Ohh, that sounds like a nice read".

I'd like to say; good for you for having a gay character- mostly because that's not too commonly done. On the other hand I feel like gay male characters are far more common then some other sexual orientations and genders.

I laughed and put my head on Alden’s shoulder. Alden and I have been best friends since the first day of kindergarten,

and I had read it so many times that there were fingerprints on the corners on some of the pages.