Ohhh mystical stuff. What's to said has already been said. Gah I should have gotten to this sooner. Anyhow, it think this is cool! Try to maybe cut down on the amount of dialogue, either that or add more "other" content and split this into two chapters. Couple probably-already-covered-nitpicks: You mixed the present and past tense, missed an apostrophe here and there, but besides that you're good.

Man, I really couldn't find anything else "wrong" here, so keep up the good work!

~ Me

sorry for the extremely late response - i was on vacation and forgot about this until someone asked for a review in my thread and i looked. anyway.


>No one knows the true meaning of its existence not even the most renowned, intelligent and powerful gods themselves.

need comma after "existence"


>I have been through countless wars against gods from nearly every pantheon in existence. I have fought against the strongest of Greek gods, Norse gods, Roman gods and many more. I came into existence billions of years ago, not sure why I was created or who even created me. Even Zeus and Odin the leaders of the Greek and Norse gods don’t have a clue. I was alone for billions of years but I have made a few acquaintances over the years. One of those acquaintances is a powerful goddess named Ki—

so this guy's like billions of years old. why does he sound like a kid? why is this omnipotent super-powerful being even talking to our mortal reader?


>“Hurry up Ace we have business to take care of and you’re wasting our time.”

need some grammar in there. "Hurry up, Ace. We have business to take care of, and you're wasting our time."
i'd consider using "my" instead of "our" there, seems to fit this character more.


>Uhh... like I was saying before I was interrupted, this is Kira the Goddess of equilibrium. She's an amazingly powerful and intelligent goddess, but she can be a bit… Intolerable to pretty much everything.

i'm getting this Rick Riordan vibe. you ever read the Percy Jackson series? this sounds exactly like that series, except a lot more amateur. that wasn't a criticism just something i noticed anyway moving on


>I met her recently while facing off against a group of “Shadow beasts” as I would call them. I'm not exactly sure how they were created but what I do know is that they were created through the power of Chaos. Our meeting was pretty interesting and went a little something like this--

OW YOU JUST HIT ME WITH LIKE THREE CLICHES AT ONCE GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY MAN


>Dammit these shadows are strong as all hell it’s no wonder so many gods have been defeated and absorbed.

this is... okay, blanket criticism here so i don't have to say it again and again. your grasp on realistic dialogue seems to be shaky from what i'm seeing. you've got a run-on sentence here. think: would your character actually think like that?
"Damn it, these shadows are strong as all hell. It's not wonder so many gods have been defeated and absorbed."
go through all your dialogue/character's thoughts again and fix em


>“Looks like I’m gonna have to step my game up. Haaaa! Oblivion Spark!” A wave of black electrical energy shot forward and disintegrated a large number of the shadows.

gimme a sec i need to giggle.
ok
NOBODY GIVES NAMES TO THEIR "MOVES" AND THEN YELLS THEM OUT AS THEY'RE DOING THEM. THAT'S JUST DUMB. IT'S DONE IN ANIME AND CARTOONS BUT THIS AIN'T AN ANIME OR A CARTOON, DANG IT.
like just imagine a robber running up to you and going "Pistol shot!" at you before shooting. you'd die thinking "i got killed by a freakin' idiot." it also ruins any element of surprise you have...
"looks like i'm gonna have to step my game up" isn't something a billions-of-years-old god would be saying. it's also super cliche. i'm trying to avoid mentioning naruto but it's hard.

i reckon you need to work hard on realistic dialogue. try to think of how these characters would talk if they were real people, not... anime characters.

Hello there, Megrim here to review as requested, and what a fun story you have here. I looove the imagery of blasting through PLANETS as they fight. I got the sense of this huge, epic scale, godly space battle.

I've made a few notes while I read on the areas I think you could most look at for improvement:

1. Grammar and punctuation errors - I'd especially recommend reviewing comma use, because there were lots of sentences missing the appropriate commas. There were also a lot of typos, especially near quotation tags.

2. Exposition - A lot of times, the character explains stuff to us in his dialogue or thoughts, in kind of an awkward and unnatural way. That is, it's obvious it's the author talking to the reader, as opposed to the natural train of thought for the character. For example, even that first sentence: Dammit these shadows are strong as all hell it’s no wonder so many gods have been defeated and absorbed. If you were in a fight for your life, you probably wouldn't be phrasing it that way, telling yourself things you already know. Rather, the way that was phrased suggests you want the reader to understand that lots of gods have been defeated and absorbed. I'd recommend a more subtle approach--imply things, slip it in through thoughts that brush up against it but don't spell everything out completely, etc.

3. POV - Thought this is written in first person, at one point the narrative head-hops into Kira's thoughts, which is a breach of POV.

4. Description, especially of specifics - I've put this one last because it's the most important. This was the really big thing that stood out to me while reading, and the number one area that will take your writing to the next level. While reading, I found I had a hard time knowing what to picture, and I conjured up a lot of defaults. For instance when I realized he was smashing through PLANETS, I was like, whoah cool! I had no idea they were out in space. I didn't have a very good image of the enemies, or the injuries he sustains, or what his surroundings are like, etc. I think you could spend some time delving into the five senses and describing what the reader should picture, and what the character is experiencing. For example...

The flames surrounded me and caused severe damage to my body.

A wave of black electrical energy shot forward and disintegrated a large number of the shadows.

Hi Dracowave!

I really like when religion, philosophy, or mythology shows up in fiction, even (or especially) when it's not my own. So thanks for that!

Overall, I think that you should continue to work on your use of quotation marks, commas, and sentence pacing. If you'll PM me, I can help you on some grammar specifics. I've put my nitpicks below. They only cover the first page, because your grammar errors were pretty consistent.

Another thing to consider is to use tense to establish time frame. For instance, using "I said," for a scene in the present, but using "I had said," when your character is recalling his past.

That said, you have a lot of good action and interesting characterization. I think that your story could benefit from yet stronger imagery. You can use sounds (the crackle of electricity), smells (of ozone), or even bodily sensations (tingling in the fingers) to create an immersive experience for the reader.

---

Are they just existences that create the systems that lower organisms become the cogs for; but why do they truly exist?

Or to usurp us and control our every action and treat us like puppets in a play or characters in a game?

Or to usurp us, control our every action, and treat us like puppets in a play or characters in a game?

No one knows the true meaning of their existence not even the gods themselves. All they know is that they came into existence with a power far beyond all others and how they use that power is up to them.

No one knows the true meaning of their existence, not even the gods themselves. All they know is that they came into existence with a power far beyond all others, and that how they use that power is up to them.

I have been through countless wars against gods from nearly every universe in existence. I have fought against the strongest of Greek gods, Norse gods, Roman gods, and many more.

Throughout all of those battles I have asked them these questions and none of them have been able to provide me with a concrete answer.

"The names Ace I’m just one of countless numbers of gods from the last of one billion quadrants of universes. The lone god who came into existence billions of years ago not really sure why he was created or who even created him."
Even Zeus, and Odin the leaders of the Greek and Norse gods don’t have a clue. Throughout all of these fights there have been two gods by my side; the first is a goddess named"--

The name's Ace. I'm just one of countless gods from the last few billion universes -- the lone god who cam into existence billions of years ago, not really sure why he was created or who even created him. Even Zeus and Odin don't have a clue. Throughout all of these fights there have been two gods by my side. The first is a goddess named --

“Why the hell are you talking to yourself, dumbass? We have things to do, so shut up and let’s go!" The redheaded goddess shouts.

“Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, this is Kira the Goddess of Equilibrium and a close friend of mine. We are currently preparing for a tournament between the gods, demon gods, and devils."

How this tournament came about is pretty simple, and it pertains to how I met her during the shadow wars. This was a period of time when the negative energy, accumulated from the god’s countless battles, personified itself as our shadows.

Several gods were absorbed during this time, and I was deadlocked in a battle against hundreds of the shadows at once. I remember the insulting tone she used just like it was yesterday.

Dammit[b,[/b] these shadows are strong as all hell! It’s no wonder so many gods have been defeated and absorbed[b/], I thought to myself as I fought them.

“Looks like I’m gonna have to step my game up. Haaaa! Oblivion Spark!”

Did he just replicate my attack[b]? What the hell are these things? If they are adapting to my attacks, they could grow stronger by the second! If that’s the case, then I don’t think I can win.

Exhaustion was setting in, when a flash of light appears, blinding me and erasing the shadows in an instant.

“Hey, dumbass!" she shouted, "if you don’t want to get absorbed, I advise you get the hell out of the way! Sheesh, they make anyone a god nowadays. Why don’t you make yourself useful and distract them while I attack? You’re doing a great job, by the way!" she yells in angry tone.

Hi! Sarah12 here to review, as requested. First of all, I would like to say, good job all around!

Loves: The concept of the story! It is really good. I'm a big fan of Greek mythology, so it's exciting to see a story such as this. I also like how you created the characters. Their dialogue is very developing of the characters, and fits into the story well. The flow isn't choppy, and it all fits nicely.

Nitpicks: Probably the only thing I see that needs a little more than minor improvements on is grammar. I found several instances where some grammar mistakes was distracting to the reader. I'll give you a few examples and explain how to fix it; if you want me to go through and help you with all of it, PM me!
First off, is the use of commas. The first time I noticed this was in the third paragraph of chapter 1. There should be a comma after "Ace", or even a semicolon would work. When you are doing deep editing, I would go through and read it out loud; anywhere where you hear a natural pause in the sentence, punctuation should be there. Anywhere where your voice lifts at the end of the sentence there should be a question mark.
Next is the quotation marks. I saw this several times. When using quotation marks for dialogue, the format should go- [quotation mark]Where did the time go?[quotation mark] she said. - so basically, the dialogue starts with a quotation mark, is continued by the sentence(s) the person says, then, if the last sentence didn't end in a quotation mark, put a comma, the end-quote quotation mark, then add the "he said" or "she said" tagline.
So really, dialogue is the only place where I see need for grammatical improvement. The monologue parts are written well.

Overall, good job on the writing! I hope to read more of your work in the future.

Sarah12

P.S. PM me if you have any questions, and if/when you post more of the story, can you notify me? I'd love to read more. Thanks!

Hey, dracowave. Keepwriting here to review your work as requested. I really enjoyed this. At the beginning I was kind of dreading reading about gods and stuff just cause it's usually really boring but I liked this story. I have a lot to go over though because of your placement and ordering. It was very confusing for me and hard to follow so I'm going to get in to how you can make that better.

But why do they truly exist?

“Why the hell are you talking to yourself dumbass we have things to do so shut up and let’s go.”

“Looks like I’m gonna have to step my game up.” Haaaa! Oblivion Spark!

“5 minutes huh? I’m fired up I could last for hours if I needed to. I’ll show you whose boss around here you better watch like your life depends on it you may miss my greatness.”

“Take this you miserable creatures” She shouts as she fires her guns...

“So did you guys have fun inside of those things. I was just busy fighting and surviving no thanks to you guys. Zeus lets loose a thunderous laugh that catches everyone’s attention and began to speak.”

“What would you like I could give you a small portion of my quadrants or perhaps you’d like Zeus’s whatever you wish you can have.” They give me expectant looks as they allow me to speak.

Aloha Draco!

I have been through countless wars against gods from nearly every universe in existence. I have fought against the strongest of Greek gods, Norse gods, Roman gods and many more.

Throughout all of those battles I have asked them these questions and none of them have been able to provide me with a concrete answer.

Hello dracowave, steampowered here with a review as requested!

My overall impression of the piece is that it has a huge amount of potential and I really love the concept of the gods, not to mention the mystery surrounding Ace, the lone god. I also like how much action you pack into your first chapter; personally I find long exposition uninteresting, but I love action and character development, both of which you show well.

Onto a few more critique-y bits:

Firstly, you really need to put your dialogue in speech marks, as it makes it confusing to read. There’s a lot of speech which is great, but since you don’t have any speech tags (such as “she said”) or speech marks, I found it difficult to understand who was talking when.

Secondly, as Lavvie pointed out, you use a lot of onomatopoeia (such as *boom*) and to be honest, this makes the whole thing read more like a graphic novel than a regular novel. You should try and describe the scene more without relying on onomatopoeia (perhaps *boom* could be replaced with “There was a booming sound”) If you do decide to use onomatopoeia (and in small doses it can be effective) then don’t put the sound effects in asterisks, but italicise them instead. In some places, the onomatopoeia plus the brackets made me wonder if you were trying to write a script or a novel, and hadn’t quite decided what you wanted to do.

Adding to this, I’d also suggest that things like “old man” shouldn’t be emboldened for emphasis, but italicised instead. Generally, I’d advise against making words bold as it’s not the most literary way of emphasising it.

Another small nitpick I have which is easily fixed is that numbers in literary works should generally written out as words, not as numerals. So “5” would become “five”, for example.

I think that’s the main issues, and I do apologise if my review was at all harsh. Like I said, you have an interesting concept here and I’d be interested to see more of this. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or want any further help, since I’d be more than happy to give you some really in-depth feedback if you’re struggling at all.

Other than that, keep writing!

-steampowered-

Hi dracowave! I'm here to review as per request. Just a disclaimer that they may come across as a little harsh, but that is not at all what I've intended. I really just want to help you out.

This doesn't seem like a story at all. It seems like each new line is a different piece of dialogue coming from someone different, except there is no dialogue tag to identify which character. So, really, this feels like an incomplete script for some sort of action animation TV show... and yet, this is supposed to be a chapter? It's very confusing for the reader. Initially, I started out taking down notes for nitpicks but I feel like this chapter demands a much bigger overhaul so I'm going to pass on pointing out every little thing and focus on the fundamentals that you need to get going.

First, the biggest thing to focus on is general narration. In its current state, everything is very imprecise and unclear. I know that there is some sort of apocalyptic battle going on, but I have very few visuals of the scenes taking place, let alone an idea of who the characters are and who is doing what exactly. You'll want to craft a few well-rounded characters and identify a clear protagonist who will be the one your readers will focus on. When you've got them established, then you can move to working on interweaving them into a plot, which will make things a lot more coherent. Dialogue should not be the primary drive to your story. Otherwise, you should be writing screenplays instead of stories.

Dialogue needs to be properly formatted with quotation marks and correct grammar. Dialogue tags are extremely important to be able to identify the way things are being said and who is saying it. Check out this article on writing good dialogue. It is good to develop a healthy balance between description and dialogue, but first you need to make sure that you're doing both the right way.

You also use lots of onomatopoeias in your writing. Instead of just writing out the battle sounds, I suggest you describe what it is happening. That way, you will really flesh out your story and give it more substantial depth. It will end up taking the shape of a proper chapter instead of the skeleton of a script for screens.

Overall, you might want to look this over again and reflect on how the execution of your story is affecting the meaning and what you want to convey to your audience. I did like the idea - it seems very unique and interesting. I can tell you have a creative mind with lots of ideas!

Let me know if you have any questions.

Best,
Lav