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Young Writers Society



Space, Time and Nuclear War - Complete Short Story

by Swires


1

Leafy sat in a stolen ship on the edges of space. He was no where in particular, just sulking in the darkness; still on a high from pills of concentrated alcohol.

“Hey you,” he called out to his reflection in the glass of the space ship window.

“Get a grip and get a life – you moron!” His voice was full of hate, croaky and raw.

From his pocket he took out a pill – solid alcohol. He chewed and swallowed, relaxing almost instantly.

He slammed the acceleration lever forward and the ship went into double-speed mode, fast for his model. Too fast. Stars and planets became a bur around him. He laughed loudly, pushing forward the treble-acceleration levers. The steering pad shook from side to side, taking the ship in all directions.

The hum of another craft passed them, barely missing the ship that was now out of control.

“Damn the galaxy. Damn the world. Damn the human race!” He seized the steering pad and twisted it randomly, spinning it into chaos, he pressed all buttons by slamming his hand on the button pad, the ship turned over, gaining momentum. The spinning got faster until he fell into dizziness, he cursed the world again.

Thud. His head smashed against the titanium flooring, bruising it almost instantly. Several crates came open and cut his thick skin open, blood splattered everywhere. The speed of the ship threw him against the walls, then it span and he collided with several crates.

Asteroid. Closer. Closer. Collision.

The ship jolted, Leafy seemed to float through the air, almost in slow motion. Sliding, sliding – then it all went full speed again as the ship was forced downwards into a spiralling plunge.

Leafy’s insane laugh ended as the ship hit solid ground and he was jolted back with immense pressure, skin tearing from bone, feet and legs snapping with the back lash of the landing force. He lay still within the ship, barely breathing.

2

Robin took out a nimble-gun and shot the man in the burning ship, point-blanc in the forehead.

“Better to have lived and died, than never to have lived at all.” He watched as the man began to heal, cuts sealing and breath filling his lungs.

He woke and Robin and Leafy looked at each other for moments.

“Where am I?”

“Britain.”

“I thought those were extinct.”

“It’s a country.”

Robin helped him up, although he didn’t need it. He smelled alcohol on his tongue.

“Where am I?” the crash-lander asked again.

“Staffordshire, England, United Kingdom, Earth,” Robin recited.

“Of all the places to land – I come back down to fucking earth.”

Robin stared at him and winked, walking from the space craft out into a wide open desert of dust: a moonscape.

”Correction,” Robin began, “You are in the desert that once was England, United Kingdom, Earth.”

“What was it before?”

“A very rich country…” He said it with slight sarcasm. The crash-lander was American, they were all to blame. “…before we went to war eons ago. Then we were reduced to this – I give you Great Britain!” Robin flung out his arms to the land.

3

The ship was easy to fix. That is if he had parts and fuel. Nuclear fuel was banned in Great Britain, so Robin had told him. And metals but lead were melted away and were in short supply. Conversation was the only tool to sanity.

“Why did this war start?”

“A man named Hassim Suddain, so the stories of old go- he was an evil man, we were all told. He was killed, hanged!”

Leafy gulped.

“Us and you took over his country, liberated his people – saved them from treachery, so the stories go.”

Leafy watched him with curiosity.

“Then – your country decided to take over other countries, many other countries. Our country followed.” He hung his head in shame.

“We soon reaped the consequences: annihilation!”

“Cool,” Leafy said, still dazed from drink.

“Not cool, we all nearly died, so the stories go.”

“Oh.”

4

They had travelled a little; Robin had something to show him. They stopped and looked into a pit, bigger than the moon – a crater. In the centre was a rod of metal, jutting from the ground.

“This is why nuclear fuel is banned here – it is a great evil.”

“How am I to get home?”

“We have some for emergency fuel, kept below ground. We are arranging refuel now.”

A few others were filling his ship up and repairing it for travel, they were of little conversation. Most of them had lost their minds from birth and their skins were saggy, they looked like aliens.

“Why do they look funny?” Leafy squinted at them.

“Radiothingies,” he said simply. “Poisons people and makes people look funny.” Robin said. “Radio’s are banned here.”

His ship was repaired quickly with the last of Staffordshire’s steel supplies and was ready for take off.

“Well – it has been nice meeting you.”

“I wish I could say the same but we blame your people for our downfall – no aid has come to us since the War.”

“Damn you,” he shouted, they were insulting his country. He stepped into the space craft, laughing once more. The jets started and he took off at a slow speed. His laughing soon stopped and guilt formed in his throat. He looked down at his satellite navigation. He was above the Middle East. He leaned over the control panel and looked down onto the land below. No life was their, all had been annihilated.


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Fri Aug 14, 2020 11:32 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Hmm...this one was slightly disjointed in its scenes. The flow of the story wasn't as nice as it could have been. There doesn't seem to be too much of an idea behind but rather a pretty ominous message of a possible future and that's about it. The opening also was slightly confusing and I felt like it didn't really pay off that well so that was a little anticlimactic.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Leafy sat in a stolen ship on the edges of space. He was no where in particular, just sulking in the darkness; still on a high from pills of concentrated alcohol.

“Hey you,” he called out to his reflection in the glass of the space ship window.

“Get a grip and get a life – you moron!” His voice was full of hate, croaky and raw.


This is a very dramatic and rather gripping opening right here. It definitely gets you very interested in reading on to find out why this man is doing what he's doing but the problem lies in the fact that it doesn't really have any sort of impact going forward in the story and I feel that makes this wonderful opening go to waste.

Thud. His head smashed against the titanium flooring, bruising it almost instantly. Several crates came open and cut his thick skin open, blood splattered everywhere. The speed of the ship threw him against the walls, then it span and he collided with several crates.


OUCH.

Leafy’s insane laugh ended as the ship hit solid ground and he was jolted back with immense pressure, skin tearing from bone, feet and legs snapping with the back lash of the landing force. He lay still within the ship, barely breathing.


BIG OUCH. That's some great and gruesome description that you have right there.

Robin took out a nimble-gun and shot the man in the burning ship, point-blanc in the forehead.


This action doesn't really make sense to me. I mean why on Earth did he just shoot him in the head for no apparent reason?

“A very rich country…” He said it with slight sarcasm. The crash-lander was American, they were all to blame. “…before we went to war eons ago. Then we were reduced to this – I give you Great Britain!” Robin flung out his arms to the land.


Well that was very dramatic right there. Earth doesn't look to be in very good shape.

The ship was easy to fix. That is if he had parts and fuel. Nuclear fuel was banned in Great Britain, so Robin had told him. And metals but lead were melted away and were in short supply. Conversation was the only tool to sanity.


If there is no one left alive who is making the laws exactly? Have the aliens taken over? Or are the places that we see the only areas without life?

“Not cool, we all nearly died, so the stories go.”


Definitely not cool. Nuclear explosions are very hot. (I highly doubt you will understand that reference.

“Radiothingies,” he said simply. “Poisons people and makes people look funny.” Robin said. “Radio’s are banned here.”


That isn't really how nuclear fallout works but I guess this is sci fi so I'll let that one slide.

"Damn you,” he shouted, they were insulting his country. He stepped into the space craft, laughing once more. The jets started and he took off at a slow speed. His laughing soon stopped and guilt formed in his throat. He looked down at his satellite navigation. He was above the Middle East. He leaned over the control panel and looked down onto the land below. No life was their, all had been annihilated.


Well that was quite the message to end things on right there.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall the characters in this story don't appear to be having a real conversation. They seem to reading things off of a script to benefit us the readers by spouting exposition and that's never a good thing. And the message is slightly cliched but it does send something through so that's a plus point. Overall it was good enough and easy to understand the story although the setting wasn't always the clearest. Anyway those are my two cents.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jan 15, 2007 7:45 am
Swires says...



Ok, thanks Snoink for your in depth critique. I agree with all your points.




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Mon Jan 15, 2007 5:16 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Stuff you HAVE to fix

This is the stuff that I found on one read-through. Haha. With that said, before you post something, you're probably going to want to read through it and make sure the spellings are correct. Otherwise, it can be very embarrassing.

Stars and planets became a bur around him.


Not a bur. Maybe a "bur" or a "blur." In this case, I think "blur" would be better, in context. Whatever your choice, change it.

Several crates came open and cut his thick skin open, blood splattered everywhere.


This is a grammatical error. Either include a semicolon or dash between "open" and "blood" (e.g. "...cut his skin open; blood splattered everywhere") or make "splattered" into "splattering." Right now, it's a comma splice error, and not a pretty one at that.

“Radio’s are banned here.”


An apostrophe used the way you used it there usually indicates a possession. So when you say "Radio's are" you are saying that the radios are the owners of the are, where "are" is a noun.

Don't do this. Or else I'll have to stab you with a spork. ;)

Instead, use the word "radios." Yes, that's how you spell it.

No life was their, all had been annihilated.


*dies*

Okay. Quick spelling lesson, no?

There = usually indicates a place; e.g. "I met her parents there."

Their = is a possessive word for "they;" e.g. "They never give me their money."

They're = accepted shorthand for "they are;" e.g. "They're going to Aruba for the holidays."

With that said, figure out which belongs where.


Concerning the Story...

The Introduction

The first part is not very gripping. I know there are some people who believe that random -- but exciting!!! -- beginnings are all the rage and should be used ad nauseum, but in this case, there's no real substance. When I first read it, I thought, "Oh great. This is going to be one of those really preachy stories about the dangers of driving drunk -- except sci fi!!!" The problem? It's not about that. At all. Is that bad? Yeah, probably. Why? Because you isolate both sets of readers: the ones who want to read a story about driving drunk and the ones who want to read about current events and the like.

Think about how you want to begin your stories and make sure that you don't misrepresent them.

Dialogue

Out of all the dialogue, I think the shorter it is, the better it is. The long sentences are frequently clichéd and corny. I suggest trimming them.

With that said, the characters... ah... well, we'll get to that, no?

Showing, not telling

Just now, I read an excellent book called Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut. I highly recommend it, if you haven't already. If you're not familiar with his work, he writes sci fi in a minimalistic way too. One thing that struck me was his use of metaphor. No, don't worry. Metaphors don't have to be long monsters of the night. They can be simple as well. So check that book out and see how he does it. You won't be sorry. :P

Characters

Your characters, through what they show themselves to be in the dialogue and narrative, are not very well-developed. This is mainly because of your introduction. You have Leafy taking all these alcohol pills, just for the heck of it, and driving a spacecraft on the side. And then you have Robin lecturing Leafy about the evils of nuclear war.

Except that doesn't make sense.

With the way you introduced Leafy, I would expect him to be a little more rude to Robin. Why does he just sit back and relax while Robin explains stuff to him? I mean, I know alcohol has a mellowing effect on people, but to completely go out of character is ridiculous AND unbelievable.

Oh wait... this is not a character story, so therefore it doesn't matter, right?

Not really.

Right now, this story is brimming of message -telling or preachiness, however you want to call it. And, either way you want to call it, it isn't good. This plot is not original enough for it to stand out and the message is horribly unoriginal in itself. So you have to rely on the characters and how said characters tell a story to make an impression on the reader.

How can you do this?

Make it INTERESTING. And definitely more conversational.

You have Leafy drunk, no? Okay. So what if he can't stand up he's so blasted? What if his speech is slurred and he can't walk in a straight line? What if he gets angry when Robin lectures him? Annoyed? How does he react then?

What are Robin's reactions to Leafy? Why doesn't he even flinch when Leafy comes by, obviously drunk. Why does he want to talk so much about the past? You see, I usually don't think about the past a long long time ago unless I want to make a scathing point in an argument. I know that in Slaughterhouse 5, the character who does the most explaining is the one who is in charge of propaganda. Does this person KNOW something? Is he sinister? Right now, I think he is. His reaction is too cool, too collected to be anything else. Yet, I don't think you intended him that way and since you didn't accentuate that aspect of him, the effect sort of fell flat.

So yeah. I know it's only a short story, but DUDE. Your introduction is strange and the rest of the story is soaked in preachiness. You have to do something... anything better with the same amount of words. Be creative and have fun with it!

In the end, unless you specialize in writing propaganda, writing should not be about forcing a message. It should be about displaying a message. By showing off humanity, you will be making a statement that lasts a lot longer than any propaganda of the time.




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Sun Jan 14, 2007 3:27 pm
Swires says...



Ok, Ive gone through and cleaned up some corrections- this is fairly minimalistic, comments are welcomed as are in depth crits.

Ill have anything really - Its my first scifi :)





If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman