z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Abduction

by leslieloo


"Where are you taking me?" a frightened Hailey demanded the hooded figure as it gripped her arm tightly, hauling her away from the outdoor birthday party that her boyfriend was hosting.

"Don't worry about it," the stranger snapped coldly as he continued dragging her.

Hailey tried yanking her arm away, but the masked man's grip was too strong. She looked back at the party and spotted her boyfriend, Jack, who was laughing and talking with his friends, not aware that his girlfriend was being abducted. "Jack!" she shouted his name as loudly as she could, but he didn't seem to hear her, so she called him again louder. "JACK!"

"Shut up!" the felon shouted at her as he gripped her arm even tighter, causing Hailey to cringe at the pain. "Another peep from you and you're gonna get shot! Got it?"

With tears beginning to stream down her cheeks, Hailey nodded.

As the man reached a black SUV, he opened the passenger door, fiercely shoved Hailey inside, and slammed the door. Hailey's heart began to race as thoughts began to run through her mind. What is he going to do to me? she thought to herself. As soon as the unidentified figure climbed into the vehicle, he turned on the ignition.

"Buckle your seat belt," he ordered.

Hailey did as he ordered. As he drove off, she took one last glance at the party. During the ride, Hailey quietly peered over at her abductor, trying to get a good look at him. She could tell it was a male because of his deep, yet shrill voice and the large, muscular build.

~

Jack couldn't believe that he was finally seventeen. He only had one year left of high school and he was free from all of the drama that it had to offer. Even though he was very popular at his school, he would often be harassed by the jocks. However, he had an outgoing personality. His girlfriend, on the other hand, was invisible to the student body. She always had trouble approaching a group of people and chiming into their conversation. She had a fear that people wouldn't accept her for who she was, so she decided to keep quiet around others.

"Hey, Jack," Jonny, one of his friends, approached him with a plastic, transparent cup filled with Mountain Dew in his hand. "Great party, man."



Jack flashed him a smile. "Thanks, man," he said. Suddenly, a thought struck his mind. Where is Hailey? he asked himself. He then began to scan the park for his girlfriend. Then, he looked at his buddy. "Hey, Jonny, have you seen Hailey anywhere?"



"Nope," Jonny replied as he took a sip of his Mountain Dew. "When was the last time you've seen her?"

"Like about fifteen minutes ago. She told me she was going to the bathroom."



"Oh," Jonny said, taking another swig of his soda. "Maybe she's still in there."



"Dude, who takes that long to use the bathroom?" Jack asked him.

"I don't know. People who have cramps, I guess." Jonny chuckled as he uttered the last part. "Or maybe she went home."

"The party just started an hour ago," Jack reminded him.

"I know, but you know she can be shy and there are like thousands of people here."

"That makes sense," Jack said. "But wait, she wouldn't leave without telling me, right? I'm going to call her to see if she's okay." Jack took out his Samsung Galaxy and dialed Hailey'snumber. After punching in the number, he heard a loud ring from a distance. With his electric blue eyes lighting up, Jack swiftly looked around to see if it was his girlfriend's phone ringing, but Hailey was nowhere to be found. Although, Jack continued looking around until he spotted a flashing phone lying upon the grass. With confusion striking his face, he approached the phone and picked it up. He narrowed his eyebrows as he noticed the screen blinking his name. Could this be Hailey's phone? he wondered to himself. As he examined the phone's bubblegum pink case, he began to recognize the quote that read, "Keep Calm and Carry On". It was her phone! But, what was it doing on the ground? Did she drop it by mistake?

~

The black van pulled up into the driveway of a small, tattered residence. The concealed male stopped the vehicle and climbed out of the car. He opened the passenger door and pulled Hailey forcefully out of the van and dragged her over to the porch. As they stepped inside, the stench of cigarettes and beer combined entered Hailey's nostrils, causing her to cough.

"Cover your mouth, brat!" the man retorted.

Ignoring his brutal remark, Hailey looked around and noticed how filthy the house was. Clothes nearly covered the whole floor and the furniture was stained with alcohol, leaving a rancid stench. 

"Let's go, Hailey," the man said harshly. "You're staying in the basement."

With fear remaining inside of her, confusion swirled inside her body as she realized that the man knew who she was. She wanted so desperately to ask him how he knew her name, but she continued to remain silent.

The man pushed her into a dark room which led them downstairs. As they entered, the man switched on the lights, revealing a tiny basement, which looked much worse than the living room. There were cobwebs nearly covering the walls, more disheveled pieces of clothing lying on the floor, and a lightbulb hanging onto the ceiling. 

The two climbed downstairs, causing a loud creak of the stairs. As they reached the bottom of the staircase, Hailey decided to speak up. "Alright, who are you and why are you doing this?" The fear in her voice began to fade away, being replaced with a hint of anger.

The man glared at her menacingly through the white mask. "That is none of your business!" he barked at her.

The anger inside of her escalated. "Who are you?" she demanded, her voice growing louder.

As his fury increased, the man thrust Hailey to a small wooden chair. As she attempted to get up from the chair, the man pushed her back down.

"Let go!" she cried, trying to squirm from the man's grip. "Let go of me!"

"Shut up!" the man shouted back as he swung a hand against her face, leaving a large, red wound on her cheek. While placing a hand on her face, Hailey's eyes began to flood with more tears.

"Oh, you are so pathetic!" the man taunted her. "Crying over being slapped."

"Please," Hailey sobbed, tears crawling down her face. "Please, please let me go! Please!" 

"Crying ain't gonna do nothin' for you, kid."

"Why?" she bawled. "Why are you doing this? What caused you to do this?"

"Because I couldn't have custody of you," the man admitted.

Hailey looked up at him in confusion with tears still blurring her vision. What did he mean he couldn't have custody of her? Then, Hailey slowly began to recognize the voice. The voice that she had dreaded hearing whenever it reached her eardrums.

"D-Dad?" she stuttered, shocked that the man that has abused her during her childhood and abandoned her and her mother years ago, has come back.

The man removed his mask, revealing a menacing expression on his face. Then, he pulled off the hood, revealing his round, bald head.

Hailey gazed at her father in disbelief. She could not believe who was standing before her. As she stared into those cold, brown eyes, those painful memories began flooding through her mind like a river.


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Wed Feb 10, 2016 11:00 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Hello, leslieloo. Pretzel is here to review your short story, just like you requested. Sorry that you took me so long, I just needed some time.

I would be interested to read the second part if you ever write a part of this (consider that as a compliment ;))

I personally think that you rushed into this a little bit too quickly, like you started with tension and then you also ended with tension. It just kind of seems like there is no logical beginning or ending, to be honest, so it really seems like this needs some clarity or continuity. Something like doesn't leave such loose ends, such as memories.

The beginning is very very cliche, something that we have probably seen hundreds of times before, and so I think that you need to spice it up, instead of it being the typical kidnapping scene from a teenage movie. The title itself already reveals too much about the rushed plot here, so I think that there are some specific places that you can work on it.

"Where are you taking me?" a frightened Hailey demanded the hooded figure as it gripped her armstightly, hauling her away from the outdoor birthday party that her boyfriend was hosting.


I think that this is way too wordy for a first sentence of a short story, you need to break it up and make it just more understandable a little bit. There are a couple of unneeded adjectives, and generally just an overload of information that we don't need to know at this point.

Next that change of perspectives in the middle of your short story was very predictable because her boyfriend just finally realized that she was gone missing, while I was kind of sitting here and telling him: "Why didn't you notice this before?" I can only infer that Jack is so caught up in his own birthday, that he totally forgot about his quiet and shy girlfriend, which can only indicate that he's either mindless or just caught up with life. I don't think that this left a lasting impression on me, what kind of person is he? I guess I'm trying to say that Jack seemed kind of unreal, by actually not

Also, the reveal of her abductor, being her father was quite sudden. As a writer, you should probably drop some hints around the table to try to make the readers infer that Hailey had a step-father, or her past/former father absolutely hated her, etc. It's a literary device known as foreshadowing, and I definitevely think that it could come in handy here. What is Hailey's emotion? Now, I do know that see had a reaction, but that doesn't give me all of the information that I wanted to know while finishing reading this. It just, kind of seemed lacking in the sense that, although her emotions could be read between the lines, I would still want a little bit more substance here.

so she decided to keep quiet around others.


Another point, is that I believe that there was too much dialogue(even coming from Hailey), in the sense that most of this is dialogue. There is quite a lot of action going on, with the movement of Hailey from one location to another, therefore I believe that you maybe should have Hailey stay silent for the most part, because that's her character (shy) and also of the risk factor that her abductor has of someone else overhearing them. Any dialogue that doesn't move forward the plot or characterize the people in your story, can be and should be deleted. That's the golden rule of thumb in these situations here.

Hailey gazed at her father in disbelief. She could not believe who was standing before her. As she stared into those cold, brown eyes, those painful memories began flooding through her mind like a river.


Huh, that's the end? I still wanted this to continue, because you really left me hanging on the edge here because you didn't finish your story, in a concluding manner. I think that you could definitely find a way/line to wrap it up more completely, and then that would be much better. Anything that just leaving the reader with just this.

Oh, also this is minor but those randomly placed double spaces in the format kind of stuck out to me like a sore thumb. I know that the Publishing center can be a little bit tricky to navigate, but to skip to another line all that you need to do is press "enter" or "shift" and either one of those should get you there. This makes the work look much more neater.

That's all that I have for my review. If you have any questions, or want me to elaborate on anything, please feel free to let me know. I hope that this helps your writing and keep on writing!

Until Next Time,
~P.S.




leslieloo says...


Thanks for thr review! :)



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Fri Jan 22, 2016 3:13 pm
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Rin321 says...



I loved it!! Please continue!!!! Could you let me know when you do? Thanks <3




leslieloo says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)



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Fri Jan 22, 2016 2:16 pm
Charm wrote a review...



Hi!
My name is Rachel, but most people call me Mad

#8000BF ">Plot, Pace and Point of View
I think in the last sentence you should go into more depth at how this made Hailey feel. Here are some examples from my novel: "Everything ached and hurt. Her gut, her heart, her head…everything." and "Thoughts, memories rampaged her mind. Anxiety crackled inside her like a forest fire, burning every tree of hope and memory. The fire created a void inside her that just kept getting bigger and bigger, every time someone left." This is from my latest chapter: New Haven: Chapter 10: Broken Dams and Forest Fires
The point of view was perfect for the story. I like how you showed Jack's side of things

#8000BF ">Characters and Dialogue

Oh, you are such a big cry baby!

The abductor seems to have very unrealistic dialogue. He doesn't sound like a grown man.
I think Jack sound have been freaking out more.

#8000BF ">Grammar
"Where are you taking me?" a frightened Hailey demanded the hooded figure as it gripped her arm tightly, hauling her away from the outdoor birthday party that her boyfriend was hosting.

I would remove the 'a' before frightened. Also 'demanded the' sounds weird.
Spoiler! :
"Where are you taking me?" frightened Hailey demanded staring at the hooded figure as it gripped her arm tightly, hauling her away from the outdoor birthday party that her boyfriend was hosting.

He opened the passenger door and pulled Hailey forcefully out of the van and dragged her over to the porch.

Forcefully is in the wrong place. I actually don't like forcefully in this sentence. It seems to e ruining the flow but if you still want it in the sentence, I think it should be put in front of 'pulled'.
Spoiler! :
He opened the passenger door and forcefully pulled Hailey out of the van and dragged her over to the porch.


#8000BF ">Advice and Suggestions
Jack took out his Samsung Galaxy and dialed his girlfriend's number.

There is nothing really wrong with this sentence but I'd personally prefer if you said 'Hailey' instead of 'his girlfriend'
Spoiler! :
Jack took out his Samsung Galaxy and dialed his Hailey's number.


I hope you found my review helpful!
If you have anymore questions about YWS, just ask me~
Rachel




leslieloo says...


Thanks for the review! :)



Charm says...


Sorry it was so late! I was really busy >-<



leslieloo says...


Its okay. Thanks again for the review! :)



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Fri Jan 15, 2016 2:55 am
Meerkat wrote a review...



Hi, leslieloo. Meerkat here for a review.

I usually begin with grammar, spelling, punctuation, and all that. Let's get started!

-I couldn't find any spelling errors, which is great.

-There were a few instances in which a clearer word could have been used. For example, "passenger door" instead of "passenger's door." When you say "tattered residence," "dilapidated," "shabby," or "ramshackle" might be better adjectives, as their connotations are closer to architecture. Similarly, while "atrocious" is certainly a good vocabulary word, it sounds strange in the context of memories. May I suggest "disturbing" or "painful" instead?

-I do believe that your sentences need work in order to flow better. You use many run-ons, which can confuse the reader and tangle the flow of events. The very first sentence is an instance of this. "'Where are you taking me?' a frightened Hailey demanded the hooded figure as it gripped her arm tightly and dragged her away from the party that her boyfriend was hosting for his birthday, which was held at a park." This can be broken down into multiple sentences, so that the information is not given all at once.

-Repetition is also an issue. Reusing adjectives within the same short story is often more noticeable and bothersome than one might think. Some examples of words you say multiple times: "shouted," "confused," "filthy," "revealing," and "tears." There are others, but these stuck out the most. Substituting a few synonyms in should fix this right up, though.

Plot-wise:
You instantly begin the story with tension, which is an effective writing technique. One drawback to this, however, is that the audience does not get any time to know Hailey as a character. If you do continue this story, it might be wise to add some more characterization for her.
The dialogue between Jack and Jonny was really well done and natural-sounding, and it seemed, for the most part, like how two people would actually talk. Hailey's father's speech was less so, and sounded a bit stilted and "bad-guy cliché," if you know what I mean. Hailey herself was fairly generic in her words, but that may be understandable for a person in a high-pressure emergency situation.
The reveal at the end was good, but felt quite sudden. Maybe you could hint at it in the beginning a little. Perhaps the man could call the girl "Hailey" while kidnapping her, and she would briefly wonder how he knew her name. Just an idea.

To sum up, I like the idea behind the story and parts of your writing style, but the flow could use some work.

Welcome to YWS, by the way! Have a great day/night, and keep writing! :D




leslieloo says...


Thanks so much for the review! I was planning on editing the story tonight. This helped a lot. I will fix the things that you have pointed out. Again, thanks and have a great day! :)



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Sun Jan 10, 2016 5:44 am
Pernicus wrote a review...



I'm going to start with bluntly saying I don't like this story all too much at the moment. The twist ending was quite good but The descriptions are a bit out of place, for example:

"The further and further she was away from the party, the more her heart rate increased."

If I were to revise this I would say that only one "further" is necessary for this description, any more and it starts to feel bad to read. Secondly instead of telling us her heartbeat is increased, show us. You can do this by describing how the rapid beating feels e.g "she felt her heart pounding faster in her chest" or describing her nervousness in one way or another.

I would suggest you read the story over yourself and just judge where the flow or wording sounds a bit off. I think you might not have quite developed this sense yet, but the more you write the more you'll come to grips with it. My advice would be to keep writing more and more, follow the feedback and don't get too disheartened by your mistakes, also don't take anything personally. One very good piece of advice for you would be to show not tell, you have done this a bit but not always. A lot of the time you prefer to tell the audience what is happening rather than describe the event. Just keep writing and following advice. The characters are minimally developed which is to be expected in such a short section of an unfinished story, but try to sneak in characterizing traits and features that will allow us some deeper insight into the characters so that we might empathize with them some more.




leslieloo says...


Thanks for the review. I do struggle describing the emotions of the characters a little bit. I will add more to this later, though and after I edit it, I'll notify you if you would like me to. Again, thank you for the review and have a great day! :)




Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand