Hello, leslieloo. Pretzel is here to review your short story, just like you requested. Sorry that you took me so long, I just needed some time.
I would be interested to read the second part if you ever write a part of this (consider that as a compliment )
I personally think that you rushed into this a little bit too quickly, like you started with tension and then you also ended with tension. It just kind of seems like there is no logical beginning or ending, to be honest, so it really seems like this needs some clarity or continuity. Something like doesn't leave such loose ends, such as memories.
The beginning is very very cliche, something that we have probably seen hundreds of times before, and so I think that you need to spice it up, instead of it being the typical kidnapping scene from a teenage movie. The title itself already reveals too much about the rushed plot here, so I think that there are some specific places that you can work on it.
"Where are you taking me?"a frightenedHailey demanded the hooded figure as it gripped her armstightly,hauling her away from the outdoor birthday party that her boyfriend was hosting.
I think that this is way too wordy for a first sentence of a short story, you need to break it up and make it just more understandable a little bit. There are a couple of unneeded adjectives, and generally just an overload of information that we don't need to know at this point.
Next that change of perspectives in the middle of your short story was very predictable because her boyfriend just finally realized that she was gone missing, while I was kind of sitting here and telling him: "Why didn't you notice this before?" I can only infer that Jack is so caught up in his own birthday, that he totally forgot about his quiet and shy girlfriend, which can only indicate that he's either mindless or just caught up with life. I don't think that this left a lasting impression on me, what kind of person is he? I guess I'm trying to say that Jack seemed kind of unreal, by actually not
Also, the reveal of her abductor, being her father was quite sudden. As a writer, you should probably drop some hints around the table to try to make the readers infer that Hailey had a step-father, or her past/former father absolutely hated her, etc. It's a literary device known as foreshadowing, and I definitevely think that it could come in handy here. What is Hailey's emotion? Now, I do know that see had a reaction, but that doesn't give me all of the information that I wanted to know while finishing reading this. It just, kind of seemed lacking in the sense that, although her emotions could be read between the lines, I would still want a little bit more substance here.
so she decided to keep quiet around others.
Another point, is that I believe that there was too much dialogue(even coming from Hailey), in the sense that most of this is dialogue. There is quite a lot of action going on, with the movement of Hailey from one location to another, therefore I believe that you maybe should have Hailey stay silent for the most part, because that's her character (shy) and also of the risk factor that her abductor has of someone else overhearing them. Any dialogue that doesn't move forward the plot or characterize the people in your story, can be and should be deleted. That's the golden rule of thumb in these situations here.
Hailey gazed at her father in disbelief. She could not believe who was standing before her. As she stared into those cold, brown eyes, those painful memories began flooding through her mind like a river.
Huh, that's the end? I still wanted this to continue, because you really left me hanging on the edge here because you didn't finish your story, in a concluding manner. I think that you could definitely find a way/line to wrap it up more completely, and then that would be much better. Anything that just leaving the reader with just this.
Oh, also this is minor but those randomly placed double spaces in the format kind of stuck out to me like a sore thumb. I know that the Publishing center can be a little bit tricky to navigate, but to skip to another line all that you need to do is press "enter" or "shift" and either one of those should get you there. This makes the work look much more neater.
That's all that I have for my review. If you have any questions, or want me to elaborate on anything, please feel free to let me know. I hope that this helps your writing and keep on writing!
Until Next Time,
~P.S.
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
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