z

Young Writers Society



Fog

by erilea


I'm alone at the first light of day,

but when the sun rises high I slip away.

Over lakes I hang at dawn,

Spreading my blanket, stretching it long.

I speak no words, but people notice me.

I'm smoky grey and easy to see.

I'll disappear if the sky's turning blue,

but if the sky's grey I'll be there soon.

Why am I wrapped in my cloak of clouds?

It makes sure I'll never be found.

If people try to grab me or steal me from my place,

all they'll touch is a cold, misty haze.

Mysterious to all, I'm everywhere at a time.

There's never one place I'll always lie.

All this is me, daughter of the sky,

because I am Fog, alone at first light.


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13 Reviews


Points: 707
Reviews: 13

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Mon Nov 30, 2015 9:06 am
Sigyn wrote a review...



Hi!
I enjoyed your poem very much and the rhyming in the poem helps to make it flow. Some of the longer sentences do disturb the pattern such as line 6. I also felt you had a bit too many commas as it makes the poem keep stopping and starting unnecessarily.
Over all a great poem and I hope to see more of your wrok.




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28 Reviews


Points: 1941
Reviews: 28

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Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:27 pm
rubykae wrote a review...



Hi, Ruby here for a review!

This poem is actually really beautiful. Nature poems can hold such impressionable images, and this one certainly does. You didn't just provide sight, you provided much feeling as well.

The topic leads the way for this because fog in itself is so mysterious and there are so many different ways to describe it, but you captured the true essence of it here. I love the introduction to it in the first 2 lines because it's like the fog is personifying and explaining itself. The rhyme is nice here as well, these lines just sounded pretty.

The 9th line has description of that chilly feeling only fog has, and the word 'haze' fits in well when talking about the uncertain, shifting fog. Asking and answering your own question about being wrapped in a cloak of clouds seemed to shed a light on some of the mystery of fog like you're learning its secrets.

The repetition from the first line to the last couple of words brought the whole piece full circle and ends the poem with where it began: an image of light gently sifting through a hazy mist.

Overall, so pretty! I wish I could conjure up images that clear in my own writing. Great job!




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524 Reviews


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Reviews: 524

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Fri Nov 27, 2015 11:11 pm
felistia wrote a review...



Hi Artemis28, Felistia here again with a review on your poem.

Firstly I must say that I absolutely adore this poem and I am going to say that it is my favourite of all your poems. The rhyming is perfect and helps the poem flow very well and so is the punctuation. But I love the theme most of all, it is so creative and the way you tell the story is wonderful. I could read it over and over again. Well done. You definitely have a knack for poetry. I look forward to your next works and I hope you have a great day\night.




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766 Reviews


Points: 650
Reviews: 766

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Fri Nov 27, 2015 10:47 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hi Artemis 28. I am just popping in for a quick review.

Let me start out by saying how much I liked your poem. It is very beautiful and simply stated.
All of the pieces fit together perfectly and I loved the word choice. The mood it is saddening it is a very nice piece.

Your poem is a little bit short but it could go either way. It would be nice to have an addition to the story but it stands alone fine.

Great job! :-)





Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars