Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a very intriguing prologue, one where it appears that we've lost someone in a terrible fire here, certainly something that will make you want to read on to find out more.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The flames licking up the old house illuminated the dark surroundings, the black smoke barely visible against the velvet night sky. We’d escaped, and lay collapsed in a heap nearby. I got up, and performed a quick head count. There were only four of us. My friends averted their gazes when I asked if he was still in there. A definite yes. Without thinking, I turned and ran back into the building.

How were the ghosts inside reacting to the fire? If they were trapped in the house, what would happen if it burnt down to the ground? Smoke got into my eyes, making them water so I could barely see a thing. I could hardly breathe as well – damn you, asthma. I felt cold fingers digging into my skin as I ran to the stairs to the next floor. If he’d stayed up the top after saving me, then I had a long way to go.

Looking back at this whole ordeal, we were huge freaking idiots. I mean, all teenagers are, really, but we all have epic levels of stupidity. Who the hell goes into a creepy old house, even if it’s the perfect place to film a dumb assignment? We do, I guess. See? Idiots. What makes it even worse is that we were literally getting pulled out of there. Miki told us she felt weird. I’m never doubting her intuition again, that’s for sure.

It’s getting harder and harder to breathe, and I haven’t even made it to the stairs yet. I think my arm got burned as I ran past a burning couch, but I could be imagining it. Ghosts keep pulling me to the side, towards areas that are aflame. Someone is calling my name, but I’ve finally made it to the stairs – I can’t give up now! There’s more oxygen towards the ground, right? I fell to my knees, and began to crawl up the stairs. I’d probably fall over if I walked instead, I’m that dizzy.

Something grabbed me around my torso, and I panicked; kicking out. My weak movements didn’t deter my captor, and I was hoisted off the stairs. I was ready to fight to get away, but when I was turned around, it wasn’t some strong spirit or anything, but a firefighter. He’d be able to help.

My dwindling hope was extinguished when he started to carry me, bridal-style, away from the stairs and out of the building. I tried to tell him that there was still someone upstairs, but talking is a harder task than breathing, and that was getting harder and harder by the second. I glanced back to the stairway as we made it to the front door, Tears pricked at my eyes, this time though, not from smoke.

I’m so sorry...

Hullo. Gonna make this a quick review.

Happy Review Day!

I don't think this works as a prologue. It's too vague to establish a good hook and it hints at all the details a first chapter has to offer without really setting anything in stone. I don't see the point of having a prologue which acts as half a wall for the rest of the bricks to stand on: you'll be repeating most of these points in the first chapter as well, unless you want to A] leave your reader hanging off a figurative cliff, and B] effectively discontinuing everything you've built up so far (this makes the entire prologue purposeless). There is nothing solid to grasp at which could help in the advancement of the actual plot you seek to introduce in chapter one, nor is there any key information conveyed that could become a part of the plot as the novel continues.

tl;dr, take a look at this: To prologue or not to prologue

I'd suggest simply turning this into a first chapter and adding some more 'meh' to it. It doesn't really establish setting or tell us who the main character is, nor is the conflict explored in detail. Why are the MC and their friends in the house? For what reason? I need something more solid to go by.

You switched tenses a couple of times in the piece. Take a quick read through the prologue and you should be able to take care of them.

All in all, your premise looks to be interesting enough, but you need to ground the world and provide the reader more context in order to urge them to continue.

Keep writing!

~Pomp

Greetings stranger! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!

I am intrigued for this story. Who is this person looking for? What's with the fire? WHAT THE HECK?
Thank you for making things so interesting.


(Cracks knuckles) Ah, grammar, the greatest thing since sliced bread. In other words, here are some things that I think might need a bit of fixing:

'I got up, and performed a quick head count.'
and
'We’d escaped, and lay collapsed in a heap nearby.'
There doesn't seem to be a needed comma before the 'and'.

'I think my arm got burned as I ran past a burning couch, but I could be imagining it.'
How does it feel? Why does 'I' think so? You could probably use some description here.

'I’d probably fall over if I walked instead, I’m that dizzy.'
Semicolon instead of a comma.


That's all from me! I hope I have been useful!

~Holographic Ladybug

Hello BHanchen,

That was an exciting read! It had so much detail, and I could really get a good feel for your character. Although as a reader, I haven't learned much about the characters and what they were doing, this introduction is a great way to begin the story.

Now I just have a few things to say.

First, is this a different character than the MC? Or is it still the MC just a few years before or after? I ask this because if the plot will kick off shortly after the fire, then this should be the first chapter. It wouldn't stand apart from the rest of the novel. Of course if you were to use it as a prologue, we would be able to see the change in the MC off the bat with the book. He'd be quieter, less willing to go out because he might blame himself for the death. But either way you choose to use this scene, I think it would work perfectly for what you want to write.

Second, there's just a small issue with tense. The entire scene is in a past tense, but then you write the fourth paragraph in present tense. Just look through it and it should be an easy fix.

I really think that's all I have to say. I mean you really got us into the head of the character, we learned a little bit about what happened without deviating too far from the situation at hand. It was just an enjoyable read.

Good job and keep writing! Can't wait for your next chapter!