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Mind Changers City Rebellion

by franciscomndchanger


The names Francis, but everyone I know calls me cisco. I've lived in and ran from this city since I could walk. As a child I was very destructive. I started growing in to this monster, but despite that I was smart and I cared very much for my family. At this age I've changed.

I fight against half the city. My twin Chelsea, she and I have split so now she's on the other half fighting against me. They want to populate the city even though it is basically overpopulated I wish to depopulate it and help the citizens become more independent.

To be Farther constructed

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7 Reviews

Points: 137
Reviews: 7

Fri Jun 18, 2021 1:15 pm
sakeofvanity05 wrote a review...

An interesting start to the story.

I think the main feedback I have for your piece is to use more subtext and less direct, straightforward language. The main character's indifferent self-awareness is quite factual; if you want to make your world more realistic, you'd unfold the story naturally and offer descriptions that can lead readers to draw conclusions for themselves.

Instead of telling us the facts, like: "I started growing into this monster, but despite that I was smart and I cared very much for my family," you could try something more like: "I may have a different philosophy to others about life, but why is it that I'm the storybook *villain* and *monster* just because most others don't agree? My methods, you could say, are destructive- yes- but has anyone really stopped to think it over? I'm talking about the bigger picture here. I care for people, believe it or not- my family, specifically... so maybe don't go judging a book by its cover."
^ In this case, you're making the character more relatable, allowing readers to be more engaged with them, and want to root for your protagonist ! :) It's up to you, but this is just a suggestion.

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1759 Reviews

Points: 193795
Reviews: 1759

Fri Jun 18, 2021 11:32 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The names Francis, but everyone I know calls me cisco. I've lived in and ran from this city since I could walk. As a child I was very destructive. I started growing in to this monster, but despite that I was smart and I cared very much for my family. At this age I've changed.

Okayy...well this is certainly an interesting prologue that leaves practically nothing to the imagination. We've got our main character just straight up introducing themselves right there and then going on to describe how they were as a child and how they managed to grow in what they are....the fact the they call themselves a monster is also certainly an interesting detail, making you wonder how a person must be that they themselves think they are a monster. And then that last line about changing with age is also another very intriguing detail as to what one Earth that could mean there....well... we're off to a pretty intense start here at any rate.

I fight against half the city. My twin Chelsea, she and I have split so now she's on the other half fighting against me. They want to populate the city even though it is basically overpopulated I wish to depopulate it and help the citizens become more independent.

Okay, well those are certainly very interesting ways to be picking sides there, the fact that this person has to go against their own family here certainly sounds like it would make for quite an interesting read here. As for the conflict itself here, the fact that its repopulation vs depopulation is certainly a very intriguing battle, I almost wonder if its just people being chased out of the city or people being killed there. Its certainly going to make you imagine a lot of potential crazy things and well as far as prologue go, this one did manage to get me to want to read more here, and I think it manages to do its job fairly well in general here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe

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299 Reviews

Points: 24185
Reviews: 299

Mon Sep 07, 2015 12:43 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...

Hello, francis, and welcome to the YWS! I'll be your reviewer today, if you don't mind. :D

I found this interesting, to say the least. Sure, it was short, but the idea caught my attention. Mainly, the MC intrigues me, as I'm fascinated by his backstory and his present plight. He seems to be in the midst of a conflicted city, fighting against his own family and half of an entire city to accomplish his goals. From this, I see a lot of potential in this story, with plenty of opportunities to craft unique ideas, potential sibling conflicts, and deep themes and fascinating constructs. This fascinates me, and I'm curious to see how you'll develop a concept such as this. Not bad!

However, I would like to note that this introduction seems to have a lot of holes in it. As Elinor Brynn stated, it doesn't really feel like a prologue. It's only two paragraphs long, and it doesn't highlight that much about Francis's life and his experiences. It feels much less like a prologue, and more like a brief introduction/summary to interest the reader and leave them curious to read more of your story. Personally, that isn't that bad, but it doesn't fit the description of 'prologue,' and isn't an appropriate label for the chapter. Furthermore, I also had trouble reading through, and entirely understanding, the introduction. In places such as the first paragraph, I felt like the sentences don't have many details to them. As Elinor also pointed out, you told us what is going on, rather than showing us. As such, I didn't feel immersed in the story; I felt like I was being presented the general overview of what's going on, but nothing more. I couldn't relate to Francis or his predicament, because I couldn't understand what is happening, and the rationale behind both sides fighting over this city. I'm given little pieces of information, but few details about them, and so I'm left with a lot of questions that leave more confused than enthused. For instance, why does everybody call Francis 'cisco'? What do you mean when you say Francis was 'destructive,' and what about the somewhat contradictory statements of Francis being both a 'monster' and 'smart' and 'caring'? Why does half the city want to populate an already overpopulated city, and why does Francis want depopulate the city? And where does the term "Mind Changers City" come in?

In conclusion, I think that this story has plenty of potential. The ideas aren't half-bad, and, in my opinion, with effort and devotion, this story can be made into something that is truly great. However, I would also like to make it clear that this introduction has a lot of holes in it; it was quite short, and lacked a lot of necessary details that would help explain the background of the story and introduce the characters more clearly. As such, it doesn't exactly fit the role of a prologue, nor does it act as the exposition - it looks more like a brief introduction to hook the reader into the story. Like I said, that isn't entirely bad, but it does not fit the description of 'prologue.' Nonetheless, this story interests me, and I'd like to see what you can do with it. Well done!

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1250 Reviews

Points: 4300
Reviews: 1250

Sun Sep 06, 2015 7:30 pm
Elinor wrote a review...


Welcome to YWS! I'm Elinor, and I'm here to give you a review. :)

So, this is very short. And even though it's very short I'm intrigued by the story that you want to tell in future chapters. I don't know that this would really work as a prologue, though, or even as the beginning of your first chapter. It reads more like a summary. If you think about the prologues you've read and seen, there really aren't too many out there. That's because so few stories need them.

An example I like to give of a really great prologue is the one from the Beauty and the Beast animated film. Not only is it unique in that it's told through the stained glass windows of the castle, but it effectively and clearly sets up the driving conflict of the story in a way that it couldn't have otherwise. I recommend that you read this article for further information.

Now, I don't know if you've ever heard the rule "show, don't tell." It's one of the fundamental rules of writing, and while there certainly are exceptions, you have to know the rules to break them, right? ;) There's a lot of information that would be crucial to setting up your story that right now I just don't know. What's this city like? I was picturing a medieval place, but I notice that you have this listed science fiction. Why is Francis called Cisco? Why is the rebellion taking place? Why is his sister fighting against him?

But don't just info dump. Tell us a story that gives us the answers and makes us want to read more.

Good luck! Please let me know if you have any questions, comments, or concerns.


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