Young Writers Society

I absolutely love this! I can't wait to read the next parts. You used wonderful descriptions to accurately portray your characters and settings in a way that I could visualize easily.

You never would have guessed they were sisters just by looking at them. Ingred, with her quiet disposition and introverted attitude, short black hair, and stormy grey eyes looked and acted nothing like her sister Iris, with her long blonde hair, large leaf green eyes, and sunny disposition towards everything and everyone. Nevertheless, the two were, in fact, related. Though not many people knew or believed it. Ingred was small for her age, (She was fifteen) and most people who knew the two were sisters believed Iris to be the elder of the two.

The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" it sang.

The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" Iris sang.

The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" she sang.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm, well that title is definitely very neat there, got me interested just from that one....and of course this first chapter, does a decent job of keeping upto the hype levels created by that particular title there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

You never would have guessed they were sisters just by looking at them. Ingred, with her quiet disposition and introverted attitude,short black hair, and stormy grey eyes looked and acted nothing like her sister Iris, with her long blonde hair, large leaf green eyes, and sunny disposition towards everything and everyone. Nevertheless, the two were, in fact, related. Though not many people knew or believed it. Ingred was small for her age, (She was fifteen) and most people who knew the two were sisters believed Iris to be the elder of the two. at this point someone would ask, why don't their parents set these folks straight? The answer to that question is simple.

They had none.

Almost immedeately after Iris was born, the sisters had been abandoned. Ingred was only two years old. Iris barely one month. They bounced form foster home to foster home, always getting moved. But Ingred didn't mind much. All she needed were her books to keep her happy, and Iris had friends no matter where she went.

the morning had started simple enough. the bell ringing for wake-up, getting ready with the other girls in her bunkhouse, the dry toast that tasted faintly of sawdust, and so on. but it was halfway through breakfast that things began to change for Ingred and Iris. halfway through breakfast, two new boys entered the mess hall.

Ingred watched the two boys from her seat at the table across the room. One was a tall, slightly muscular boy with short, wavy blonde hair, emerald green eyes, and a broad and blindingly white smile. he was wearing a short sleeved white T-Shirt, faded blue jeans, and blue Nike sneakers. Iris had already bounced over to him and they were talking animatedly. Ingred turned her gaze to the smaller boy. He was graceful looking and skinny, and he was leaning against the wall with his eyes fixed on the ground.he had pulled the hood of his charcoal grey windbreaker over his head, and from where Ingred was sitting she couldn't see much of his face. 'Who is he?' Ingred wondered to herself, completely forgetting the other boy. The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" it sang. Iris was standing over her with the blonde boy at her elbow. "Adrin, this is my sister, Ingred." Adrin flashed one of his movie star-like smiles. Ingred blinked. out of the corner of her eye she saw that the other boy had gone. "Adrin...What a peculiar name." she mused. then she stood and drifted back upstairs, her mind already on the new book lying on her pillow.

Orson Scott Card once said that in science fiction, most main characters' parents are either "dead or such lousy specimens of humanity that they couldn't wait to leave them behind". Since this story is being told in the third person I'd suggest you give us a short explanation of why Iris and Ingred's parents abandoned them, so we don't automatically assume that the parents fall into the second category. If you've already done so in a future chapter, though, feel free to ignore this paragraph.

I'm going to politely disagree with Myth here. We need some kind of immediate connection to your characters- no sense in leaving us with a vague impression that won't inspire us to read the whole tale.

So what's the foster home like? Does it have wallpaper that hasn't been changed since the sixties? Are the mess-hall tables plastic, wood or Formica?

Also, which country is this set in? You use the European "grey", but otherwise it's unclear where this place is.

I hope this review is helpful.

Greetings, TheFantasy14!

So far, your story sounds rather interesting, I'm actually looking forward to seeing where the story will take us.

Your two main characters, Ingred and Iris, are very likeable not only due to their physical and personal differences, but also due to the fact that their story is a mystery.

I understand that this is just the introduction to the story and that you have mentioned that things will become more interesting soon. I truly believe you, but may I make one small suggestion? In the future chapters of this story, I recommend including small parts of their background story and where they come from to keep people anticipating more.

Other than that, it's a very well written story and I hope you have found this advice helpful. Be sure to let me know if you are ever in need of further advice, I'm always here to help!

MissLyricz x

Hey, Lau here for a review!

I really liked the fact that the girls were complete oposites. I liked the writing style, but I want to tell you about something called: show don't tell. You could have a sort of fairy tale kind of writing, but then there wouldn't be italics and questions from the narrator.

If you plan to do the show don't tell, I suggest you tell me about how the two girls wake up in the orphanage, don't tell me they are orphans, show me they are. Get it?

Other thing: I don't know what year or world you are working with, but remember orphanages don't exist anymore, foster homes do. And, that would be a lot more likely.

Last thing: I just got to know the first two sisters, and now you are introducing two new characters. Hold your horses. First, tell me more about the sisters, then we can meet these boys.

Don't be discouraged about this review. I'm only telling you this so you can improve and because I want to see the magic come back in the best way possible. Never stop writing.

-Lau.

Hello TheFantasy14! Nice to meet you and welcome to the family! Good to see that you’re already diving into YWS life.

Let’s get on with the review, shall we?

Things I liked;

I like that you immediately describe our characters’ physical appearance. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve had to remind writers to give us a sneak peek at what their characters look like.

I like you’re character’s names also. You don’t hear them very often.

Your writing flows quite well. I didn’t find myself getting bored and I like the thought of the setting being in a foster home. I’ve not seen that before on here.

Things I think you could improve;

at this point you may ask yourself,

Hey, TheFantasy14!!

Hmm, this is pretty interesting!

Spoiler! :

#FF0000 "> Your characters are pretty good! I really want to know more about the other boy that we got to know a little about. We've got to know a decent but about our characters, which is good. While I personally haven't built a connection to any yet, that's ok since it's only the first chapter. In short: your characters are good, but I hope to see some more development in the next few chapters .

Spoiler! :

#000080 "> I noticed that you forgot to capitalize the beginning of a few sentences, but that's ok, just make sure to fix them!!

You never would have guessed they were sisters just by looking at them.

Just wanted to say that I love this first sentence!! It's fine either way, and it's up to you, but I personally think it may flow a bit better without the "just". I dunno, it's probably just me.