Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

12+ Violence

The Return of Magic Part One Chapter One: The Snow Sisters

by Europa


You never would have guessed they were sisters just by looking at them. Ingred, with her quiet disposition and introverted attitude,short black hair, and stormy grey eyes looked and acted nothing like her sister Iris, with her long blonde hair, large leaf green eyes, and sunny disposition towards everything and everyone. Nevertheless, the two were, in fact, related. Though not many people knew or believed it. Ingred was small for her age, (She was fifteen) and most people who knew the two were sisters believed Iris to be the elder of the two. at this point someone would ask, why don't their parents set these folks straight? The answer to that question is simple.

They had none.

Almost immedeately after Iris was born, the sisters had been abandoned. Ingred was only two years old. Iris barely one month. They bounced form foster home to foster home, always getting moved. But Ingred didn't mind much. All she needed were her books to keep her happy, and Iris had friends no matter where she went.

the morning had started simple enough. the bell ringing for wake-up, getting ready with the other girls in her bunkhouse, the dry toast that tasted faintly of sawdust, and so on. but it was halfway through breakfast that things began to change for Ingred and Iris. halfway through breakfast, two new boys entered the mess hall.

.                                                 .                                    .                                                                   .

 Ingred watched the two boys from her seat at the table across the room. One was a tall, slightly muscular boy with short, wavy blonde hair, emerald green eyes, and a broad and blindingly white smile. he was wearing a short sleeved white T-Shirt, faded blue jeans, and blue Nike sneakers. Iris had already bounced over to him and they were talking animatedly. Ingred turned her gaze to the smaller boy. He was graceful looking and skinny, and he was leaning against the wall with his eyes fixed on the ground.he had pulled the hood of his charcoal grey windbreaker over his head, and from where Ingred was sitting she couldn't see much of his face. 'Who is he?' Ingred wondered to herself, completely forgetting the other boy. The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" it sang. Iris was standing over her with the blonde boy at her elbow. "Adrin, this is my sister, Ingred." Adrin flashed one of his movie star-like smiles. Ingred blinked. out of the corner of her eye she saw that the other boy had gone. "Adrin...What a peculiar name." she mused. then she stood and drifted back upstairs, her mind already on the new book lying on her pillow.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 188
Reviews: 11

Donate
Fri Jun 18, 2021 12:55 pm
VictoriaBarton wrote a review...



I absolutely love this! I can't wait to read the next parts. You used wonderful descriptions to accurately portray your characters and settings in a way that I could visualize easily.

You never would have guessed they were sisters just by looking at them. Ingred, with her quiet disposition and introverted attitude, short black hair, and stormy grey eyes looked and acted nothing like her sister Iris, with her long blonde hair, large leaf green eyes, and sunny disposition towards everything and everyone. Nevertheless, the two were, in fact, related. Though not many people knew or believed it. Ingred was small for her age, (She was fifteen) and most people who knew the two were sisters believed Iris to be the elder of the two.


I loved this description. It really helped bring these two characters to life.

The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" it sang.


I didn't quite understand this part of the dialogue. You identify the voice as Iris's, however you then address the voice as "it". Instead, the better way of phrasing this would be.

The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" Iris sang.


Or

The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" she sang.


The second option here is a little more confusing because you have two she's. So, personally, I would choose the first option. But overall, great story, I had very little to review, because all of it was so good!

Good luck writing and keep it up!!! <333




User avatar
1759 Reviews


Points: 193795
Reviews: 1759

Donate
Fri Jun 18, 2021 11:15 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm, well that title is definitely very neat there, got me interested just from that one....and of course this first chapter, does a decent job of keeping upto the hype levels created by that particular title there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

You never would have guessed they were sisters just by looking at them. Ingred, with her quiet disposition and introverted attitude,short black hair, and stormy grey eyes looked and acted nothing like her sister Iris, with her long blonde hair, large leaf green eyes, and sunny disposition towards everything and everyone. Nevertheless, the two were, in fact, related. Though not many people knew or believed it. Ingred was small for her age, (She was fifteen) and most people who knew the two were sisters believed Iris to be the elder of the two. at this point someone would ask, why don't their parents set these folks straight? The answer to that question is simple.


Okay...well, siblings like that are definitely not a rare find, there's a lot of siblings out there that don't look like they should be related, but well, its an interesting point to try and focus on I suppose, it certainly lets their personalities be introduced right away there without making it sound like too much exposition. The lines at the end though...kind of come out of nowhere...it doesn't feel like a question most folks would ask, and it just sounds weird at first glance there.

They had none.

Almost immedeately after Iris was born, the sisters had been abandoned. Ingred was only two years old. Iris barely one month. They bounced form foster home to foster home, always getting moved. But Ingred didn't mind much. All she needed were her books to keep her happy, and Iris had friends no matter where she went.


Hmm, not sure how much bouncing around foster homes one can do at to years old with a one month old sister...but alright I'm guessing this is referring to when they got older. And also, well...not the smoothest of reveals there but certainly a very intriguing thing to reveal there, the fact that these two had parents that abandoned them when they were very young. Certainly leads to a lot of questions.

the morning had started simple enough. the bell ringing for wake-up, getting ready with the other girls in her bunkhouse, the dry toast that tasted faintly of sawdust, and so on. but it was halfway through breakfast that things began to change for Ingred and Iris. halfway through breakfast, two new boys entered the mess hall.


Hmm, alright, we have that classic narrator style introduction to the fact that something crazy is about to do down and everything is about to change for so and so vibe going here, which is certainly an interesting touch. SOoo...let's see where this takes us I suppose. And well, the routine there does mange to do a wonderful job of capturing it being something very repetitive.

Ingred watched the two boys from her seat at the table across the room. One was a tall, slightly muscular boy with short, wavy blonde hair, emerald green eyes, and a broad and blindingly white smile. he was wearing a short sleeved white T-Shirt, faded blue jeans, and blue Nike sneakers. Iris had already bounced over to him and they were talking animatedly. Ingred turned her gaze to the smaller boy. He was graceful looking and skinny, and he was leaning against the wall with his eyes fixed on the ground.he had pulled the hood of his charcoal grey windbreaker over his head, and from where Ingred was sitting she couldn't see much of his face. 'Who is he?' Ingred wondered to herself, completely forgetting the other boy. The sound of Iris's bright voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Here she is!" it sang. Iris was standing over her with the blonde boy at her elbow. "Adrin, this is my sister, Ingred." Adrin flashed one of his movie star-like smiles. Ingred blinked. out of the corner of her eye she saw that the other boy had gone. "Adrin...What a peculiar name." she mused. then she stood and drifted back upstairs, her mind already on the new book lying on her pillow.


Okay...not the most cliffhangery of endings tehre...it was a little out of left field that one...the introduction of the two boys is certainly done pretty neatly there, and you get a small sense of mystery, but the part that followed kind of didn't live upto said mystery. It sort of just ended randomly in what I think is probably relatively normalish. The boy vanishing is certainly a lovely touch of mystery to get you hooked, but otherwise her reaction there was a little muted....but hmm...not the worst ending you could have on a first chapter, it does do its job.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, not a bad way to start off a story, and this certainly seems like a pretty interesting one that I would certainly read. At any rate, that's about all I've gotta say here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
563 Reviews


Points: 1235
Reviews: 563

Donate
Tue Dec 08, 2015 4:54 pm
Stori wrote a review...



Orson Scott Card once said that in science fiction, most main characters' parents are either "dead or such lousy specimens of humanity that they couldn't wait to leave them behind". Since this story is being told in the third person I'd suggest you give us a short explanation of why Iris and Ingred's parents abandoned them, so we don't automatically assume that the parents fall into the second category. If you've already done so in a future chapter, though, feel free to ignore this paragraph.

I'm going to politely disagree with Myth here. We need some kind of immediate connection to your characters- no sense in leaving us with a vague impression that won't inspire us to read the whole tale.

So what's the foster home like? Does it have wallpaper that hasn't been changed since the sixties? Are the mess-hall tables plastic, wood or Formica?

Also, which country is this set in? You use the European "grey", but otherwise it's unclear where this place is.

I hope this review is helpful.




User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 8421
Reviews: 111

Donate
Tue Sep 22, 2015 4:35 am
MissLyricz wrote a review...



Greetings, TheFantasy14!

So far, your story sounds rather interesting, I'm actually looking forward to seeing where the story will take us.

Your two main characters, Ingred and Iris, are very likeable not only due to their physical and personal differences, but also due to the fact that their story is a mystery.

I understand that this is just the introduction to the story and that you have mentioned that things will become more interesting soon. I truly believe you, but may I make one small suggestion? In the future chapters of this story, I recommend including small parts of their background story and where they come from to keep people anticipating more.

Other than that, it's a very well written story and I hope you have found this advice helpful. Be sure to let me know if you are ever in need of further advice, I'm always here to help!

MissLyricz x




User avatar
99 Reviews


Points: 78
Reviews: 99

Donate
Sun Sep 06, 2015 7:30 pm
Snoops wrote a review...



Hey, Lau here for a review!

I really liked the fact that the girls were complete oposites. I liked the writing style, but I want to tell you about something called: show don't tell. You could have a sort of fairy tale kind of writing, but then there wouldn't be italics and questions from the narrator.

If you plan to do the show don't tell, I suggest you tell me about how the two girls wake up in the orphanage, don't tell me they are orphans, show me they are. Get it?

Other thing: I don't know what year or world you are working with, but remember orphanages don't exist anymore, foster homes do. And, that would be a lot more likely.

Last thing: I just got to know the first two sisters, and now you are introducing two new characters. Hold your horses. First, tell me more about the sisters, then we can meet these boys.

Don't be discouraged about this review. I'm only telling you this so you can improve and because I want to see the magic come back in the best way possible. Never stop writing.

-Lau.




Europa says...


Dear Lau. Ingred and Iris are in a foster home, not an orphanage. if you read a little closer i think you may have missed that part. i am aware that there are all lot of things i tell, but that's because this chapter really is just an introduction and description of two of my most important main characters. your reveiw was extremely helpfull, and i hope you come back and reveiw the chapters i will later write. thank you.



User avatar
347 Reviews


Points: 25558
Reviews: 347

Donate
Sun Sep 06, 2015 6:28 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello TheFantasy14! Nice to meet you and welcome to the family! Good to see that you’re already diving into YWS life.

Let’s get on with the review, shall we?

Things I liked;

I like that you immediately describe our characters’ physical appearance. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve had to remind writers to give us a sneak peek at what their characters look like.

I like you’re character’s names also. You don’t hear them very often.

Your writing flows quite well. I didn’t find myself getting bored and I like the thought of the setting being in a foster home. I’ve not seen that before on here.

Things I think you could improve;

at this point you may ask yourself,
Be careful with breaking the fourth wall here. Do you really want to speak directly to your reader? If so, then you need to really think about why you are doing it. Because if you’re are only going to do it this once, then it feels a bit strange.

I would vary the way you start your sentences. You begin a lot of them with ‘Ingred’ this or ‘Iris’ that. Use a few adverbs or time connectives. When, slowly, fortunately etc. Just to spice it up.

Not a lot happens. You need something to hook the reader in to keep us interested. Reveal a secret, have some action or even leave us a with a good old fashioned cliffhanger.

Good luck! Feel free to ask me anything, anytime. I’m always happy to chat.

Looking forward to reading some more of your stuff!

Olive <3




Europa says...


thank you so much for the help! i realise that not much happens in the first chapter, but i assure you things get interesting fast. i noticed that i tend to keep my scentances the same and i will do my best to change that. thank you again!



Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 101

Donate
Sat Sep 05, 2015 10:19 pm
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, TheFantasy14!!

Hmm, this is pretty interesting! :)

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> Your plot is pretty cool, I like the idea you've got going here. While we don't get to know much yet and we are left guessing, it's still a pretty good chapter and it makes us want to read more so we can learn about this world you've created. In short: this is a pretty decent first chapter that managed to keep my attention!


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> Your characters are pretty good! I really want to know more about the other boy that we got to know a little about. We've got to know a decent but about our characters, which is good. While I personally haven't built a connection to any yet, that's ok since it's only the first chapter. In short: your characters are good, but I hope to see some more development in the next few chapters :) .


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 "> I noticed that you forgot to capitalize the beginning of a few sentences, but that's ok, just make sure to fix them!! :D
You never would have guessed they were sisters just by looking at them.

Just wanted to say that I love this first sentence!! It's fine either way, and it's up to you, but I personally think it may flow a bit better without the "just". I dunno, it's probably just me. :)



Overall this is good start and I'm excited to see more of your work!

~Myth




Europa says...


thanks for the help!




People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke