Young Writers Society

I was going to review this, but then I saw that you had eight already. Such is life.

Right away you've given us an interesting character- not one of L'Amour's honorable, soft-spoken men but a hardened criminal who still manages to show off his human side. But enough of that- let's get to the "review" part.

But how could he have known? How could he have known that the one of the most feared man

In a million years he wouldn’t have guessed it.

I’m not too worried about any of these people forgetting me for a while, but writing down my life seems to give me a sort of security about it all. As long as these pages live on, I will too.

Maybe this’ll become one of those bestselling dime novels in the east for some Yankees who have nothing better to do except read about the world which I live in.

But most importantly, my story isn’t about the hero. Meadows is your hero. I don’t have locks of golden hair and innocent, greenish-blue eyes that peer out at you from beneath a wide-brimmed hat. I’m not the poor kid whose father was killed and who’s brave enough to leave home on his own to get his revenge. If you’d rather read a yarn about some hero like Meadows, I’m sure any of the Yankees’ dime novels will do.

Ha! Like I care who'll get my knife or my rifle or my horse. I think Meadows likes my horse, so I'll let him keep him.

I despise having any hair on my face, but I guess it’s a good policy to keep razors away from prisoners.

Hello, Wolfie36! It's Artemis28 here to review your chapter!

Let's begin. The first nitpick I have was right here. It has to do with word choice: is "wiped" a good word to describe a soul? Wiped sounds like someone completely took away all remnants of your life on earth, to me. I don't think you meant it that way. Sure, lots of people would use "removed," but I just feel it works better in this case.

"The truth is this: a man wants to be remembered long after his soul has been wiped from the earth."

This line here doesn't make sense. I know what you meant, and I almost overlooked it, but her it is. You say "...and everything else they think goes on IN HERE THE WEST." Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to me. You might want to change it to "...and everything else they think goes on here in the West."

"They eat up the stories about cocky cowboys, mean old outlaws, hangings, prison escapes, fights with the Indians, and everything else they think goes on in here the West."

What does "read a yarn" mean? I searched it up on Google and I found stuff about reading spools of yarn descriptions. I don't think that was what you intended to mean. What does it mean, anyway? You could make it clearer to the reader, but still keep it creative. Don't lose any of your sparkle.

"If you’d rather read a yarn about some hero like Meadows, I’m sure any of the Yankees’ dime novels will do."

Another nitpick. You say "But the barber's right next door, though." The "But" and "though" mean the same thing, therefore they don't need each other. "The barber's right next door, though" would've worked fine, as would've "But the barber's right next door." See what I mean?

"But the barber's right next door, though - couldn't they just tie me to a chair and have him do a quick shave?"

I really liked the ending, when you mention how the prisoner picks up the pencil and begins to think about something to write. I also thought the description of Death and his gnarled hand was interesting.

Overall, you did a nice job. I liked how you slowly explain what happened as you go along; that's a good technique. I'll be reading your next chapter in a few seconds! (And I do mean that quite literally.)

XOXO,
Artemis28

It's important to note, I like the title. I'm very picky about titles but you've done a fine job choosing.
Take away the bold letters at the beginning. It doesn't serve a purpose, your first line should be strong even without the bold.

How could he have known that the most feared man in the West is gifted with words and storytelling and loves to trace his pen across sheets of bleached white paper?

The truth is this: a man wants to be remembered long after his soul has been wiped from the earth.

They want a taste of what it’s like to live your life on the edge.

They eat up the stories about cocky cowboys, mean old outlaws, hangings, prison escapes, fights with the Indians, and everything else they think goes on in here the West. Heck, my story’s got them all.

hink Meadows likes my horse, so I'll let him keep the darn thing.

Perhaps he likes it proper: the judge rules, the trapdoor opens, and the convicted man dances in the air. That’s as proper as it gets.

Hello, Wolfie! I know that this already has five reviews on it, but I just couldn't resist passing up this chapter once I got into it!! I hope you don't mind!

Life in this five-by-seven block of punishment is ironically invigorating

giving me just what I wanted: all this time, plenty of peace and quiet, and all of these sheets paper to tell my story with before he tightens the noose around my neck

How could he have known that the most feared man in the West is gifted with words and storytelling and loves to trace his pen across sheets of bleached white paper?

But most importantly, my story isn’t about the hero. Meadows is your hero.

I don’t believe anyone would have complained if he had built the gallows himself and hung me that night

Perhaps he likes it proper: the judge rules, the trapdoor opens, and the convicted man dances in the air. That’s as proper as it gets.

A blanket can’t shield me from the noose

Hello Wolfie!!!

This is Eros here to review your work!!

The very first chapter of your novel is Dashing! I am sure that your next chapters would be mind~blasting and mind~blowing!!!!
Punctuations are good, and grammar also, as far as I can see, there is no flaww. The main thing is the Title. The title is really catchy and is related to the main theme...
Wolfie, you have increased my excitement as to what happens next. I am feeling like I was an electron at 'ground state' and after reading this chapter, I went to 'First excited state' and if I dont read what happens next, I would go in the 'Second excited state...
And...What else can I say? I am left speechless!!
Good Job Wolfie!!
Continue writing!
For we love to continue reading and reviewing them!!

Note: this is one of my entries for the Big Review. Enjoy!

Introduction:

Hey there, Wolfie!

So, when I first started this review, I tried to do what I normally do--that is, make comments on certain phrases of the text which I thought were excellent or needed a bit of work. I want to do the opposite here: present a few ideas and back those ideas up with evidence. I think you'd benefit from some more general points because (a) you're quite a brilliant writer and (b) this is the first chapter, and plotting isn't that relevant right now.

You know how much I love reading your work, and this is no exception. Anyway...

Ready? Set? Go!

Content:

First, after reading through the other reviews, I have to say that I (unfortunately) disagree with Carlito. There are three reasons why internal dialogue is your most important asset here:

1. Your narrator's situation. I imagine that when you're going to die, the thing you focus on isn't what the cell looks like, but instead on what you're thinking--what you're feeling--what you're not feeling. The physical world doesn't matter anymore, because soon you'll be separated from it. As you said, what matters here is that "a man wants to be remembered long after his soul has been wiped from the earth".

2. This is your first chapter. By all means, introduce us to the mind of the person we'll be listening to for the rest of the book. And it's an intriguing mind--which brings me to my final point...

3. You're excellent at this. You don't define your character by his situation. You let the situation be defined by the characters. By giving us the narrator's narration, you're able to effectively and masterfully introduce us to his mind.

For instance, take this line:

The truth is this: a man wants to be remembered long after his soul has been wiped from the earth.

But most importantly, my story isn’t about the hero.

greenish-blue eyes that peer out so innocent-like from beneath a wide-brimmed hat

I was quiet until he came by on his rounds a dozen minutes later to check on me.

But the deputy nodded, probably reasoning that I wanted to write a letter to someone or pen my last will.[b]

He could probably see the dull look in my eyes.

He returned from his desk a minute later and handed me what I wanted through the bars of the cell.

I despise having any hair on my face, but I guess it’s a good policy to keep razors away from prisoners.

Hello! I'm here for the big review!

After reading this through once, my first thought was that this is a really interesting premise, but it started to get too info-dumpy for my taste and it read more like a prologue than a first chapter. I felt like the goal of this chapter was to set up the story. I don't want the story set up, I want to be in the story from the first sentence. (Which you did super well with Ordadus.)

There's a lot of beautiful language and writing throughout this chapter, but to me, there are two important details:
1. Your narrator is a prisoner
2. He is writing us this story from prison
That's really all I care about so far. Everything else is forgettable because there is no context for it. I'm not going to remember world details and back story details at the beginning of the story when I don't know anything about the characters and why I should care about their story.

I think it would be a stronger opening if we didn't know what he did yet and didn't know any of the back story with Meadows because it would create some mystery. Right now, I don't feel all that motivated to continue reading because I already know the general idea of what he did and the consequence of that action. I'm sure there's a big long story for the "why", and that's what the book is going to be about.

But, imagine that we don't know what he did. We'd be on the edge of our seats waiting to read more and learn about what landed him in this situation. We'd be dying to know why Meadows has it in for him and then later on in the book we'll have the big, exciting reveal that the narrator killed this guy's dad! Don't tell us all the good stuff right from the get-go

I'm not going to get overly nit-picky here because I'm not convinced this is where you want to start this story. (And we already know you can write :p).

If I were you, I would focus on a handful of things with this first chapter (this is not in order of importance, just the order that I think of them :p):
1. Establishing the setting - he's in prison. What's his cell like? Are there other prisoners? What are the living conditions? How long has he been there? How long will he be there?
2. Establishing the relationship with Meadows - but don't tell us. Show us the rift between them with dialogue and actions/reactions/facial expressions/tone/etc.
3. Start setting up the goal/conflict/stakes/catalyst
4. Introducing this MC

You've already done some of this. I know some things about his prison situation. You told us about his relationship with Meadows (but try to show it instead). There's a goal (writing his story), conflict (he's probably going to die soon), stakes (he may not be remembered), and a catalyst (Meadows gives him paper). There's a fairly good introduction of the MC (the voice is great!). But it still feels flat to me and kind of bland for a first chapter. I want more action. Things don't need to be blowing up, but I want more action and showing and less telling. I feel like more needs to happen in this opening chapter.

I'm going to leave things there for now. You have great style and technique (which is still super impressive to me because you're 15 and I wish I wrote like this when I was 15 :p). And you have really cool ideas! I'm excited to see where you take this!!

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!!

I don't think this'll be much of a review but I do have question which might just benefit you when you right more to this, I think.

Sooo....quick question. How do you want me to read this? Because I read with a certain accent in my head and it makes me question some things. Like in the first paragraph.

After I killed his father, I’m sure young Meadows hadn’t planned on giving me just what I wanted: all this time, plenty of peace and quiet, and all these sheets paper to tell my story with before he tightens the noose around my neck, but how could he have known?

Hello there, I'm Paige!

I was initially drawn to this work because of the creative tagline, especially how you noted that Derick Marr is a villain. That’s an extremely intriguing angle to take, because we tend to associate ourselves with and relate best to admirable characters.

My first comment is just a technical fix that is easily reparable. “Maybe this’ll become one of those bestselling dime novels in the east for some Yankees who have nothing better to do except read about the world in which I live in.” I am very picky about my own prepositions, and I think that this sentence would be best without the last word, “in”. It’s unnecessary to include because you properly placed the preposition already, before the word “which”.

Next, I want to address the descriptions that you’ve included. I deeply admire the manner in which you described Meadows, with the “locks of golden hair and greenish-blue eyes that peer out so innocent-like from beneath a wide-brimmed hat.” This description tells much about Derick and the man being described. You have done a phenomenal job, especially with your descriptions!

Later, when you spoke about the reluctance of Meadows to execute the Derick, I really felt connected to both characters, and I gained an understanding of Meadows, even though he has not physically been introduced to the story yet. I absolutely applaud you and your work for this, because it’s fascinating to feel so powerfully based upon such descriptions.

Also, the very end of this chapter was stunning. “A blanket can’t shield me from the noose,” is a hard-hitting statement that briefly captures the realistic and calm demeanor which Derick possesses throughout the whole chapter.

Summarily, you have done an exquisite job executing the first chapter of this story and I am so eager to read more! If you ever need anything at all, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’d love to speak with you sometime!

Sincerely,
Paige