Young Writers Society

Heartbreaking, its truly heartbreaking. I have loved someone so much in the past that when they walked away it broken me in two, all i wanted to do was kick and scream sometimes maybe even die like the character above. The poem almost seems to have sci-fi quality to it, i just cant put my finger on how to explain it. I really really enjoyed your poem, if this is based on true feeling and event i want to tell you that it gets better, i promise. I know that doesn't mean much coming from some unknown person but God never gives us things He knows we cannot handle.

Sparky, m'dear, it's easy to tell what influences you, creatively speaking. This has a very strong taste of Siken, or rather the thing that makes Siken's work so powerful which is his ability to articulate longing to the point of desperation. I get the sense that this was supposed to feel desperate and alarming.

Kyllorac covered pretty well everything grammatically so I'm not gonna spend too much time on that. What I want to discuss, particularly, is content and your use of imagery to make said content appear as it does.

If I'm being frank with you, because I think you have grown enough to deserve a frank review from me, this poem didn't really hit home until the last stanza, as if you wanted to create that sense of desperation but were unsure exactly how to without making the voice/narrator sound condescending. In this particular case, the narrator does sound condescending, and judge-y, and I'm curious as to if this was something you meant to do or if it was something that came about on its own as poetry has a habit of doing. It's the number one difference between your stylistic choices and that of Siken, who condemns but does so in a way that sympathizes. Because Siken is not only looking at the boy with the golden hair, but he is the boy, and he is the boy said boy is in love with and he is the moral at the end of the story. It's multi-faceted.

I'm not sure how I feel about this poem. In a lot of ways, I think the difference is what sets this apart from Siken. I think that almost god-like tone used throughout this could be something used to your advantage, if you're looking to play that role through poetry. As a reader, though, this poem was fairly uncomfortable. I felt as if I wanted to feel something for the subject whether he be physical or metaphorical but the laid judgements made it feel as if I shouldn't. That I should be judging, too.

Not, of course, to say this was displeasing. The fact that we can even dissect a poem to this degree is a sign that not only have you grown as a writer, but you're looking at the deeper meaning. Trying to, shall we say, transcend language with language. Its a distinct feature but one that suggest you are, in fact, growing.

And that last stanza is beautiful simply for those first two lines. Thats what I came here to see. I want to see you in your work, not the judgements you claim to make through it. I want to see your musings and those two lines are exactly it.

Much love, as always.
~ Walker

Hello Sparky. I'm here to review as requested.

it falls fast and it falls hard--
whether that's rain or love, i'm not really sure

yes you,

the glass celling

cuts on your porcelain skin

full stops and periods have no place here--
whether that's in poetry or in love, i don't know

full stop.

the brakes of a train screaming as they stop inches from crashing into your brain.

Holy, wow. This really caught my attention. The line that said "whether thats in poetry or in love, i dont know" is so true. You can really tell that you poured your heart out into this one, but at the same time it sounds almost comforting. Like you're trying to help someone recover from a broken heart. The last two lines are astounding. Keep up the good work!

Hey! It's Neverland here to review!!

First off I'd just like to say, good job, I really, really enjoyed this poem. *claps*

Just wow. Loved. It. Like, alot. This needs to get spotlight, you deserves it!!!!


I've gone through a rough patch in my relationship a couple weeks ago, and was really worried about how things were gonna turn out. And even though in the end everything was fine, I still had some doubt that he didn't love me anymore....

But anyway, that's not the point of my review! At first your poor use of gramma anoyed the hell out of me, but then I realised that it had a purpose...

You used some very beautiful language and word use here. There is no way I could pick a favourite line!! If I had to I'd just copy and paste the whole thing!

Anyway, I'm going to stop going on about how beautiful this is. Seriously, this is marvellous!!

I look forward to seeing more of your work in the Greenroom ready and waiting to be reviewed!!

~Neverland

I would leave a review but there aren't any negative things to say about it, so I'll just make this a comment.

I love this.