Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Action / Adventure

Misery or Humanity Chapters 13 & 14

by rocketdog11

Crying Havoc – Blaine

It must have been late in the day when it happened. I didn’t know; the Facility didn’t have windows. I was dozing, alternating pressure on my wrists so the blisters wouldn’t hurt so bad. I barely lapsed into a light sleep when the grating of the cell door opening startled me. A young guard entered, the shape of his hat determining his rank. I had learned to tell the difference: square hats were captains, flat, second-in-command; round, everyone else. This one was round, so I knew this guy wasn’t too much of a threat. I found it suspicious that his uniform was rumpled, as if he’d put it on in a hurry, and his tie was wildly askew. The guards normally never had one wrinkle in their uniforms.

As he came in, he kept glancing around him conspiratorially like somebody who did something bad and doesn’t want to be caught. I met his eyes, and we stared at each other for a moment. He blinked first, and looked away.

“You’re Blaine Davenport, aren’t you?” he said softly after a while.

I nodded. “Yeah. The one who tried to get away.”

“I’m Cicero Wren. Not a guard, as you can see,” He indicated his outfit. “But I wanted to see you.”

“Do I know you?”

“No, probably not. I am a high-ranking officer with the Prometheus movement. Ever heard of that?”

I shook my head. “Is it new?”

Cicero thought about this for a minute. “Fairly. Probably, at the most, five years.”

“What do you do?”

“Well, Prometheus means 'forethinker'. We picked it because we think it’s time for a change that hasn’t happened yet. This social structure, it’s not working. Those Elites, they’re bigheaded and think they own everything. Even us. So, we’re dedicated to making a difference.”

“Neat-o. So are you recruiting, or what?”

He shook his head. “No. But we heard about your ‘rebellion’ idea. I personally think you would be a great addition to our ranks. That’s why I came here. You’re a great forethinker. You know what you want, and you’re willing to fight for it. We need that, more than ever right now.”

“Cool. How do I get in?”

“I can’t explain it here. I’ll unshackle you first, get us both out of this place, and then I will.”

“All right. Good deal.”

He pulled out a large ring of keys, thumbing through them. As he was doing that, I realized this would be a whole new chapter of my life. Another beginning. This would be something different. I would be making a change. Prometheus, I concluded, had a lot in store for me.

The Rumor of a War – Julia

The night passed slowly. I wandered in and out of the crowd, mingling with classmates. Daniel had drifted away, and I hadn’t seen him all night. I began to wonder how Mother could have possibly thought this was fun. There was absolutely nothing to do. Even trying to look busy was hard. My dress was starting to stick to me, and makeup was running into my eyes. I was beginning to wonder if there was going to be any activity at all. Prom royalty had already been picked, but I lost interest when it was no one I knew. 

I had just started to fall into the lull when, above the party buzz, there was a distant boom like thunder. No one else seemed to have heard it. That roused my curiosity, and against my better judgment, I slipped outside. A cool, steady breeze was blowing, and the moon was barely out. It seemed unusually silent, but rather peaceful. I began to suspect a false alarm, and I was just being hypersensitive. Then, I heard it again, distinctly this time. Moments later, a flare of light jumped up from the roof of the building. I blinked in surprise. Pieces of the roof rained down around me. Then it clicked.

I have to get everybody out.

Back into the festivities I dashed. Once inside, I cast about for Daniel, knowing he would believe me better than anyone. I asked around, eventually pointed toward the appetizer table. I rushed up to him, breathless.

“Julia, hey.” He took one last swallow of his punch. “What’s up? You look kind of worried.”

“I am,” I panted. “Someone planted explosives up there on the roof.”

He blinked. “They did?”

I nodded. “Two of them just went off. If we don’t get everyone out…”

The sky exploded just then. Right above us, a hole was blown in the ceiling. Dust and debris showered everyone in the proximity, including Daniel and me.

Utter silence reigned for a split second. It went from order to chaos in the blink of an eye. Everyone panicked, running toward the exit, forming a bottleneck at the door. Daniel grabbed my hand and pulled me along after him, the entire building beginning to shudder violently. The floor was bucking so wildly I could hardly set foot on the ground. We crowded through the fire door, watching as the floods poured out, pushing, shoving, and general scuffle. All we could do now was wait for the building to blow.

After a couple seconds, it did. I covered my head and turned, but I could feel my body thrown forward from sheer force. Landing hard on rough grass, I plowed a deep furrow into the ground for a couple yards. Large parts of the building came flying by me, and one even got me in the shoulder with the feeling of a punch. A smaller chunk bounced off my leg. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, waiting for it to be over. In a matter of minutes, junk stopped raining from the sky. I stayed where I was for a couple minutes, feeling something wet running over my back and my leg throbbing. Painfully I sat up, surveying the damage. Where the Larkspur had been, now there was a large crater, wide and deep. A plume of smoke rose toward the clouds. Slowly I got to my feet. My shoes having been lost in the explosion, I limped barefooted across the moonlit grass.

Everywhere, my classmates were picking themselves up. For a while, I couldn’t seem to get my bearings. I wandered around aimlessly, the trickle of blood on my back turning from a stream into a river.

Daniel found me eventually, and aside from some singed hair, a bruise on his forehead and the back of his hand, and the loss of a shoe, he seemed fine.

“Hey,” He touched my shoulder, his fingers coming away sticky and red. “Oh God, Julia. You’re bleeding.”

I nodded, not really trusting myself to say anything.

“Like a lot. I gotta get you home. C’mon.”

I let him take my hand, and he began leading me to his car. The world swirled around me. I couldn’t think straight, and I wasn’t really sure how much blood I was losing. My feet had gone numb, and I could barely feel what I was walking on.

“Here. Take my cummerbund. You need it more than I do.” Daniel hurriedly unwound it, clumsily binding my shoulder.

All I could do was smile faintly. My head was so light I felt like I was floating away. I stumbled, Daniel catching me. My vision blurred for a second, and I tripped again. Even through the early stages of delirium, I could tell Daniel was starting to panic. He took my arm and looped it around his shoulders, letting me lean against him. With his other hand, he tried to stem the blood.

“No…no…no…stay with me…” I barely heard him as my senses, one by one, began to drop out. Were my feet even touching the ground anymore? I didn’t know.

“Come on…just a few more feet, Julia. You can do it…just a few more feet…”

Everything disappeared just then. All that was solid became liquid, and I tumbled into darkness.  

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
639 Reviews

Points: 13700
Reviews: 639

Sat Mar 28, 2015 4:31 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hello again, rocket dog!

I'll start off with some things that I noticed while reading.

It must have been late in the day when it happened.

So, this is one of those 'I would've never though it happened' moments, just reworded a little bit. It takes away the tension of something happening because we have just been told that something important is going to happen. You want to build that tension so that we keep on reading and delvin deeper to find out what will happen, if anything.

When the guard man comes in, Blaine is quick to notice all these details about him, what rank based on his hat, the fact that he has wrinkles in his suit. That's all fine and dandy, but it made me stop to question why Blaine would realize this or even bother to look for this. At this point, he's still in captivity and just sitting waiting for something to happen to him while he's imprisoned. Being in a basic hell, he may be too wrapped up in his own misery to notice or really bored and he does notice. Try to get into Blaine's train of though and show us why he notices what he does.

When the strange man comes in and confronts Blaine, it seems odd that he would launch straight into this conversation about the history of the organization and what not. If I were him, I'd want get Blaine out as quick as possible and no waste time with conversation, so perhaps show that in the chat, how the stranger feels a lot more rushed and edgey.

So, that man also mentions that they heard about Blaine from his rebellion ideas, but how? Wasn't Julie the only person who knew about them and she sure didn't tell anyone about him. And that really confused me. How did his ideas get out to the public and more importantly why, because wouldnt the prison want to keep this hushed up? Some things to think about.

At one point during Julia's chapter, it is mentioned that the floor is shaking violently, but then I become more confused because I believed they were on the ground floor. If this is the case, the ground wouldn't shake because there is no earthquake (it may shift a bit with the explosion, but not that much) and if it were higher up, then there's no way they'd get out so fast. I recommend you make it more clear where this is all located at, either ground floor or up higher.

What really worried me is how Julie took the chunk of the building hitting her. I had assumed son pretty big sizes, but then she mentions it only feeling as a punch. Uh, I'm guessing it's small? But then how is something so small being launched? Try to be more descriptive in this area and make it more clear on what happens with the parts flying, how big, how she reacts, etc. (and totally follow Kylllorac's advice to research more about injuries and how they work.)

Final thing that really confused me is the last sentence. Overall, it's an interesting way to say to pass out, but it's worded strangely, with solids turning to liquids and all that. Play around with the wording there.

Sorry for the curt review, but this was an alright part, having some pacing issues in the beginning and missing the emotions, but I am very curious, which is as goal for you since I really want to read on :3

Keep on Writing,

User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sat Mar 14, 2015 9:11 am
Kale wrote a review...

Hello rocketdog! Im here to review you this fine night as I frantically try to get as many reviews in as I can tonight.

I haven't read any of the previous parts as far as I'm aware, so if I bring up something as an issue that was already addressed in a previous chapter, feel free to disregard it.

I'm going to be keeping this review general since I'm on mobile at the moment.

There was a lot going on in these chapters, which was great; stuff happening is interesting to read about and what happened in these chapters was quite interesting. Unfortunately, the pacing in the first chapter was too fast, and the ending felt really rushed as a result. I'd recommend slowing the pacing down near the end and dwelling a bit more on Blaine's thoughts and feelings about the offer and it's potential for both his benefit and detriment. Right now, Blaine's reaction to the offer feels a bit contrived because his thoughts and feelings are so quickly skimmed over.

Dwelling a bit more on Blaine's feelings would also work as a way to increase the amount of dramatic tension in that scene, which is lacking at the moment because of how quickly the chapter ended.

Julia's chapter was a lot better paced, though how her injuries were described and how they affected her didn't feel very realistic. I recommend researching first-person accounts of people with similar injuries to see how they described getting and dealing with the injuries. With blood loss in particular, I'm not seeing any mention of feeling cold or hearing ringing in her wars, when both are pretty typical symptoms of heavy blood loss. There's also nausea and dizziness to account for, as well as disorientation and failing vision, which the numbness and fading you mention in here don't really adequately describe.

Basically, loosing a lot of blood really sucks, and I think you can do a better job of portraying that.

User avatar
401 Reviews

Points: 1658
Reviews: 401

Mon Mar 09, 2015 3:08 am
ThereseCricket wrote a review...

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

For starters, shouldn't Blane be a bit more suspicious of this guy? This man just walks in and starts talking about these rebellion ideas, and brings up this forethinker idea. Shouldn't Blaine be suspicious of him, and maybe consider if this is a trap or not? I would think that he would ask for some sort of proof, perhaps? Maybe show some sort of resistance to the idea? Ask a few questions? Or perhaps more than he had. He showed definite interest to the idea of course, but why didn't he require some sort of factual proof? Or ask for some. Something to think about. I personally think he jumped too quickly at the idea.

From Julie's description of this prom, it doesn't seem that she had a whole lot of fun there. Wow, she did basically nothing all evening, and then the roof explodes. Is it just me, or is it strange for your date to just wander off and ignore you all evening? In my mind that would seem slightly rude? Soo, umm, I'm rather confused with regards to Daniel's feelings for Julie. He kisses her in the previous chapter, and then doesn't really talk to her during prom? That doesn't make much sense to me. So, I was wondering if there is an explanation for that? I am slightly confused at the moment. ^^

I didn’t know; the Facility didn’t have windows.

These two didn't's install redundancy. A great way to get rid of redundancy is to read your work aloud and the redundant parts will stick out and you'll be able to correct them.

He blinked first, and looked away.

Hmm, is he shy or uncertain? If he is a person of sufficient importance in this forethinker idea, then I would think that he would have more confidence. Or is there some other reason for him looking away? Normally, I would associate such a reaction to being uncertain. ^^

My dress was starting to stick to me, and makeup was running into my eyes.

lol I read this, and I can totally sympathize. :D

He blinked. “They did?”

Maybe it would be more realistic for him to ask How do you know?. Or something along those lines...

Daniel found me eventually, and aside from some singed hair, a bruise on his forehead and the back of his hand, and the loss of a shoe, he seemed fine.

If her world is going upside down, then would she really notice all these details? Maybe you could mention these small details in passing, as he's helping her to the car? Just an idea. ^^

“Here. Take my cummerbund.

Oh gosh, I feel so dumb. xD I have noo idea what a cummerbund is.

“Come on…just a few more feet, Julia

*just a small grammatical mistake* There needs to be a space after an ellipsis, always. So it would be "Come on... just a few more feet, Julia. Make sense?

Now we have basically one question to answer. Who exactly blew the roof of the building off? Was it part of this group that Blaine seems to be joining now? Or perhaps something to do with the government side of it. Although, why on earth would this government attack the privileged part of the city? Doesn't make much sense, so I doubt that is it.

This question is really on me, so please hurry and post those next chapters soon. :) Sorry, if this review is shorter than usual, but this is about all I can find to critique. Let me know if you have any questions, and I'll be sure to answer them. Thanks for posting! I really enjoy this novel.

Keep writing!


Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman