Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was quite a prologue here, showing two separate perspectives of this same problem, and well you can clearly see these are people in two very different situations here and both of those situations appear to be really interesting here. If these are the character's we'll be following going forward, this would certainly make for quite an awesome story here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Annaliese had been wandering around the burning city helplessly for days. What else was one to do when her family, her home, her whole life had been destroyed with just one switch of a button. Of course she knew who she had to blame of course. This was all that mystics doing. Annaliese felt her brow furrow just at the thought of his name... Bartholomew. She cursed him silently, and gave up fighting her exhaustion. She crumpled to the ground in front of what seemed to be a fire ravished bakery, tears seeping through her hardened blue eyes. Annaliese knew that her days of luxury were over. She knew what she had to do next.

On the other side of the city, another young girl was also planning her next steps, although they had an altogether more pleasant tone to them. Cyrus was a girl of 15 and she was the princess of the city that was now being burned to the ground. The fire however, had stayed towards the west end of the city, the residential side, whereas the eastern side, the palace, was safe from harm because of the Yezran river that separated the two sides. Instead of worrying for the safety of her people, the always selfish Cyrus was flouncing around her room, her curled brown hair trailing after her, her bright green eyes alive with the joys and innocence of youthful gaiety. She was struggling to decide what to do next. Her father, King Mellios had given her the task of deciding who would be her prince when the time came to it. Of course she had three years to decide, so she wasn't all that worked up over it. Prince Regas of Naralad was one of the choices, though 5 years her senior, he was much dreamier than the other choice, a Prince Lang of the Southern Gate. However, despite the fact that she had two potential suitors, Cyrus was struggling to decide whether or not to meet her own choice of husband. Her thoughts wandered to the pretty gray eyes of the Royal Mystic who had captured her heart... Bartholomew.

I really like the idea of your story. I like the way you describe the characters. I wish you could give us more of a hint of what Bartholomew did to Annaliese, but not to much, to give him more of mysterious feeling

Hello!

If you meant this to just be a be summary of events for the story (which I'm assuming to be the case based on the length), then it's fine- but generally it's a good idea to do more showing than telling. Showing the reader these events rather than just telling them about them lets them connect to the story on a much deeper level. So what you choose is up to you, it just depends on what the goal is.

Also, when using ellipses (the "..." things), you will want to leave space after them, so instead of "heart...Bartholomew", do "heart... Bartholomew". It's just a small thing I noticed.

Otherwise, it's definitely an interesting idea!

Hello there, rocky! Weclome to the site!

Alright, so this is a really rather short part of the start of probably a really large novel. Just from everything you've filled in here, the topic seems rally broadened already, introducing these two characters at the opposite sides of the spectrum. Now, my issue with this is that's it's too short and we get so much from it.

Since this is even under 400 words, it's really hard to get a good grasp of writing style and everything happening, but there's so much packed into this one little part, which isn't a good thing. The presentation isn't that bad, and the flow is better than some I've seen, it's just there's quite a bit of telling throughout this and so much piled onto us.

Annaliese, the first girl, is obviously not fond of Bartholomew. We were told everything about how he was the cause of all the destruction and how everything is burning and such, but that's about it. We aren't shown the burning through the narrator. How does the fire feel? Is she walking through it or watching from afar? Because if she was walking through it, how is she not sweating up a storm or getting blisters from the heat? And all this exposition goes on to tell us about how everything is lost and she knows who did it, but we aren't context about this stuff. How did she find out? These kinds of details are important, but really draw out the scene. Try to get into the head of the character and paint out the scene instead of just this small exposition.

Alright, so then it switches to Cyrus, the princess. And she, I have more issues with. So, if half of the city is burning, why isn't she getting the heck out of there? Sure it's the other half, but she's not the slightest bit concerned that it may spread to where she is? Fires kind of do that :/

Even if it won't affect her, I'm still wondering why there's no reaction from her about it at all. The story instantly shifts moods from one about a grim tale of a girl sought out for revenge, to a love stricken princess. Isn't she worried about the fire and who started it? Maybe they'll come seek her out, even if she doesn't know who did it? Think about these things.

For the most part, this is really the bare minimum of what could happen, and yes it's a good structure to start off with, but you should go back in and add some descriptions of the town, what's happening, add some emotion of the characters and show off their personalities, and just overall some more action. This is the beginning and we're supposed to be really drawn in with more action and such, not just the aftermath. Perhaps you could consider backtracking to when the fire was starting and when chaos ran throughout the town?

Now, despite how harsh I may have sounded, this wasn't bad, I assure you. It was an interesting read, and even if it's sort of an info-dump, the concept isn't horrible, and there's potential here. I recommend a rewrite to look to capture the reader's attention. Don't be discouraged!

Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

This writing is extremely descriptive and captures reader's attention well. I think that this story make for an interesting plot-line and the end proves to be very suspenseful and thought-provoking. I really love how the author so clearly switches from two different character's perspectives in order to tell this story from two sides. This technique allows readers to acknowledge and understand the true meaning behind the story and how one man can tear two people's worlds apart.

This writing is extremely descriptive and captures reader's attention well. I think that this story make for an interesting plot-line and the end proves to be very suspenseful and thought-provoking. I really love how the author so clearly switches from two different character's perspectives in order to tell this story from two sides. This technique allows readers to acknowledge and understand the true meaning behind the story and how one man can tear two people's worlds apart.