THROWING THE STONES ON THE SEA SHORE
WRITING ON THE SAND AS I WAS GETTING BORE
AS I LOOKED AROUND I SAW A GUY
TO MY SURPRISE, HE WAVED AND SAID, "HI,"
I WAS SPEECHLESS, GLAD BUT LITTLE SHY
WITH THE SMILE HE CAME CLOSER BUT PASSED BY
TURNING AROUND AGAIN HE ASKED ME MY NAME
I TOLD HIM MY NAME AS MY HEART FELT SAME
EVERYDAY WE MET ON THE SAME SPOT
SPENDING HOURS EVEN THE WEATHER WAS HOT
I WAITED ANXIOUSLY FOR THAT DAY
WHEN HE`LL EXPRESS HIS LOVE IN HIS OWN WAY
MY PRAYERS GOT ANSWERED
TO MY JOY THERE WAS NO END
WHEN HE SAID YOU ARE MY FRIEND
WELL,UMMM...MORE THAN A FRIEND!
HIS INTENSED EYES SHOWED HE NEEDED ME DESPERATELY
WHICH MADE ME LOST IN HIS LOVE AS HE HUGGED ME TIGHTLY.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
what an adorable little poem here ^-^
Some suggestions:
Don't capitalize everything. It's kind of the same with italics, they express something to be stressed, so if you use them everywhere, nothing becomes important. Also, I read caps in a shouting voice, so I was shouting this the whole time xD
Minor revision nitpicks:
"WRITING ON THE SAND AS I WAS GETTING BORE"
I think you mean "bored" here.
"SPENDING HOURS EVEN THE WEATHER WAS HOT"
There's just a few extra spaces between 'was' and 'hot'
"MY PRAYERS GOT ACCOMPLISHED"
This just doesn't flow right.
Try, "my prayers were ever answered" or something like that
"MY PRAYERS GOT ACCOMPLISHED TO MY JOY THERE WAS NO END"
Break this up.
"My prayers <were ever answered>,/
To my joy, there was no end"
"WHEN HE SAID YOU ARE MY FRIEND UMMM!! MORE THAN A FRIEND"
Some punctuation changes and added syllables to make the flow easier:
"When he said you are my friend,/
<Well>, umm...more than a friend!"
"WHICH MADE ME LOST IN HIS LOVE AND HE HUGGED ME TIGHTLY."
"Which made me lost in his love/
<As> he hugged me tightly"
The backslashes I use are just to make sure you know when to enter down, in case it doesn't show up right when I submit this review.
I kind of like how everything is clumped together; it adds to the effect that this is a 'madly-in-love' young woman who probably can't keep her thoughts straight.
Overall good job. Very cute:)
Oh, and welcome to YWS! Let me know if you need anything or have questions here!
Hope I helped
~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.
thanks iron for taking out time honey i would want to ask you how should i correct these following stanzas
"WRITING ON THE SAND AS I WAS GETTING BORE"
I think you mean "bored" here.
"SPENDING HOURS EVEN THE WEATHER WAS HOT"
There's just a few extra spaces between 'was' and 'hot'
i didnt understand ur suggesstion here.
further i would say i just feel little confused how should i break the sentences because everything is just going in a flow help me to do it!!! where u think its approp
thanks
sure thing. In the first line you mentioned, change 'bore' to 'bored'. In the second line, you added an extra space after 'was'. As far as the flow, that's up to you. Enter down into a new line/stanza when you feel there's a slight pause or break in the piece.
sweetu there isnt an extra space after was firstly then further i will have to keep it to bore only so that it rhymes with shore
thanks anyways!!!
Wow, this could be much better with stanzas. Use (Shift + Return/Enter) to separate stanzas. The rest are pretty much fine. Now I only focus on this particular line. I'll make a few changes and you shall be able to apply them to the rest.
This could change a lot and make a big difference. I'll retype this same sentence again and again, but each one is slowly growing changes. Hopefully you will be able to cope with it.
1. Do not capitalise all of them.
2. Punctuation.
3. Directions.
4. Adjectives.
5. 'actually'
6. Stanzas.
7. One more line into your stanza.
8. Cut too long words.
9. Change to rhyme.
I hope you could get along the way. Thank you.
~~Tay01
thanks Tay 01 i will make the changes!!!
you're welcome