Derealization

I was calling you

Yesterday.

As my cold
Fingers hit the
Metal keypad I
Prayed to God that
You weren't going to
Answer.

And it was
Funny.

Because before I
Met you I never
Believed that
Prayers could even
Work.

As the clarion
Phone rang on and
On I could feel the
Doubt trickling back into
My mind like an icy
River rushing to meet a
Waterfall, and I
Knew I was going
To fly over the
Edge if I didn't get
Myself out of the
Way.

And it was
Funny.

Because before I
Met you I always
Believed that
Flying was a
Sport.

As the vibrations of
Your voice traveled
Through the line I heard
It crackle and fizz until
Every syllable was
Mechanic
Every hint of warmth was
Engulfed by a static void
And all I was able to
Detect was a mere
Vestige of whom I
Knew you to be;
You had become a
Stranger, and I
Estranged.

And it was
Funny.

Because before I
Met you I never
Believed that
Distance could actually
Hurt.

As we started to
Run out of canned
Witticisms to share I
Forced myself to
Ask you if we would
Ever be meeting
Again.

And it was
Funny.

Because before I
Knew you I always
Believed that
You would answer
"Of course."

I don't remember who
Hung up first
Yesterday.

Comments

Points: 53415
Reviews: 1125

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Sat Mar 14, 2015 12:17 am

StellaThomas wrote a review...

Heya! Thanks for submitting to the Love Contest!

I read this poem first a few weeks ago and I really enjoyed it. It's that kind of sad acceptance of the end of a relationship and I think you captured that perfectly.

A couple of things I didn't like:

Because before I
Met you I never
Believed that
Prayers could even
Work.

the "even" here seems to be in the wrong place to me. I mean, what else do prayers do other than work, is there a higher purpose yet to the narrator? I think "never even believed" would sound better, or might get across more meaning. Here it just kind of made me go 'hmm' and I didn't really understand the point you were trying to make.

The other thing I didn't like was the line breaks. I get that you're trying to isolate one particular word at the end of each stanza, and I like that. But during the stanzas themselves, I think it seems forced, and it breaks the flow in illogical ways. If I could see a reason for the breaks I would happily accept it but as it is now, especially with every line capitalised, we're taking breaths in very random, unnatural places in our reading. And I'm not a huge fan of that. I don't think the way the breaks are at the moment adds anything to the poem, in fact, I think they detract from it.

Your final stanza was beautiful, and I thought it was the perfect ending to the poem.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Points: 1
Reviews: 35

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 7:14 am

Augustus wrote a review...

Augustus here for the review!
This was amazing, the way you capture this perfectly. Not just anybody can write about this, not without experiencing it. You illustrate it perfectly.But the most beautiful part of the whole poem (according to me) was:

"Doubt trickling back into
My mind like an icy
River rushing to meet a
Waterfall"

Like wow!!
this was the most artistic part of the whole poem. Also I really like this part:

"You had become a
Stranger, and I
Estranged."

But there was only one thing that I felt slightly pesky. You know you have repeated some of the lines more than once.

overall the poem was great. And I love to read more from you!
Goodbye and Good luck!

Points: 915
Reviews: 37

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Sun Feb 08, 2015 5:01 am

LukanRinta wrote a review...

Oh my, it has been years - literally - since I have written a review on this site. I'm a little out of practice, so here goes nothing:

I liked this a lot. I was a little skeptical at first, and it was a little hard to get into. The line breaks seemed random, and it made the flow a little choppy. Typically, when reading a poem, there's a slight pause at the end of a line so it was a little awkward reading something like
"Because before I
Knew you I always
Believed that..."
You wouldn't naturally put a pause between "I" and "knew" and so on. Maybe it's just me, but I was a little thrown off by it.

That was honestly the biggest thing, but once I ignored that and just read through it, the emotion and story that it told was a good one. I like your use of repetition with "And it was/Funny."

Overall, this was an enjoyable read. It has a lot of potential! Maybe just rework your rhythm and flow a little bit.

Hope my review wasn't too awful,
~Lukan

OQAD says...

Thank you. The unnatural break in rhythm was intentional, actually, to isolate particular phrases that I wanted the reader to focus on, but I do agree that it gets in the way. I appreciate your constructive feedback.

Points: 629
Reviews: 118

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Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:35 am

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IceWinifredd wrote a review...

Hello OQAD and welcome to Young Writers Society!

Okay on to the narrative. I really liked it. I was a little skeptical at first because it lacks dialogue and an overall story line, but I ended up feeling really bad for the narrator. I really like how you explained the narrator's situation is just a few phrases. You didn't just stuff the write with useless information or overload the reader with nonsense that they don't need to know. You took the time to really just take us step by step until the beginning, middle, and ending with enough emotion for the reader to feel something. Bravo! Overall, I think you did an excellent job on this and I look forward to reading more of your work! Good luck with more of your writing and have a great night! -IceWinifredd

OQAD says...

Thanks. I have a grudge against being direct in poetry, and I tend to always leave my conflicts in narrations unresolved, for symbolic rather than stylistic reasons. I'm grateful that you called me out on the lack of plot; it's an issue I will watch out for in my future works.

IceWinifredd says...

You're welcome. I'm glad I could help you.

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Derealization

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