Young Writers Society

Timmy heeere :3

So I'll attempt another review at your lyrics here. I've been doing more lyric and poetry reviewing in the past few days, so here's hoping that has helped me see things better in that spectrum. Onto the review!

I'll just head straight into the meat of this review.

So when I read this song, it almost feels like rambling. When I see or listen to songs, the lyrics have a structure - something almost like a shape which is bent and formed to the music. This seems like you're going in any direction you want, and not really having that concrete yet flexible structure to make the song. I'll show you what I mean.

And you make your way to the door

You're in

Such a hurry

One thing I'm not as sure about is the length of the piece. It seems rather long, and it almost seems like you stoop to rambling and saying the same thing over and over and over again. I learned something yesterday in a course (one I would suggest to anyone at Coursera) and now I see this in a little different light. So your piece doesn't seem to have what you might call a pattern. And it didn't build. My songwriting teacher compared it to three boxes, and he also compared it to the sound you get in the music when listening to the song. You have your first box - that's your message in your first verse. It's an introduction, getting you started in the song. But it's a small box, but you fill it with part of your message and idea for the song. The second part of the song has an even bigger box - and inside it, you continue the message and idea. And everything in the first box fits inside the second box. That's how the song grows, becomes larger and more as we progress along it. And then we get to a part called the bridge, where everything builds, builds, builds - finally crashing over into the third box, which is the climax of the song. In this part, what you say that you put into the third box has enough weight to out-weigh both what you said in the second box, and what you said in the first. A gradual build of idea, so to speak. I hope that makes sense. I'm basically just repeating what I learned yesterday in the course. I highly recommend it to anyone, and it's completely free. c: Most of his songs are silly he says (because he's fabricating the lines as he speaks. xd), and so they're quite humorous, ending up being about food in many cases. xD

I'm not noticing a structure in the lyrics as much, either. Now since I couldn't pair this with your melody accompaniment (didn't know where it fit in, like last time). Now perhaps not as much of a no-structure, but this is very very overfed - in my opinion. If this is my style and it's imposing on yours, then feel free to ignore me here. c: But when I read through this, it seems as though you have too many things going on. Too many little ideas scattered throughout the piece cluttered it up for me and made it difficult to concentrate. So what I would do is cut it all out for a short moment. Take the idea of each stanza you've written, and see how the stanza pulls that apart - if it sticks to the idea, if the stanza throws itself all over place, says too much (as opposed to too little. both can happen). So I'd say what you're putting across to the listener in the first stanza is: she's in a hurry, but still stops to look back. Okay, pretty simple concept to put across. In my opinion, having the second period ends pulls the song down and isn't a very good opening line, either. And it kind of limits those who can relate to those in school. It isn't a line that seizes the listener's attention much. Something about her being always in a hurry, and yet always looking back - I like that. Good opening stanza idea.

So if you like what I've presented to you in the above paragraphs, you can go about and do what I suggested. If you think it cuts into your style of writing songs (I'm basically just giving you my limited experience and knowledge in writing songs, which is very very limited as I'm new to it and lazy to boot. xD), then continue to go about your way of doing things. But if you think it's worth trying, go for it. c: Perhaps my rambling can be useful in a way. And I would recommend that online course to you. It's proven very helpful for me, and gives me quite a few ideas on what to do for my song-writing. c:

The repetition in the chorus? Wonderful. I loved it. It reminded me of one of my favorite songs (similar repetition), and brought a wonderful pace to the song. When I hummed it in my head, those lines were a bit faster than the others in the chorus - and the second building up from the first. I like the word choice in there, too. And even though I did think the message in the song was a bit hidden by the wordage and over-said idea and a bit rambling and unimportant information, I loved it. A very nice, yet sad story inside the lyrics. ;_; While I am not completely sure about it, the ending told me that the girl committed suicide (you threw yourself away), and then you continue onwards to say you'll do the same. o.o I feel odd saying it, but that is wonderful. xD

Like all pieces, this needs a bit of tweaking, but you have a solid start here. c:
~Darth Timmyjake