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Home O' Umbra

by Heir


Home O' Umbra

Paradise.

Yes that’s what this is.

A mote of utopia

A fragment of bliss

Death

With a skull for a head

Distinctive in the light

Hidden beneath the bed

Bodies

But forget the malnourished dead

With their rivers of red

Flowing to the holy Lord’s stead

Were tears

As I turned them into ghosts

The only response I knew

Towards those I loathed most

Was rage

The one I felt strongest

But never knowing why

It’s what I've known longest

It was all I could find

It was a solace such as this

What I found comfort in

Was this Devil’s bliss

My Home.

(Now, read it backwards)


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Sun Feb 15, 2015 11:45 pm
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to rescue your work from the green room.

Technically, this poem is interesting. The technique you used is not very common, as it's rather difficult to pull off (did you know that there are pieces of music like this, that when played by two instruments at the same time (one forward and one backward) they create beautiful harmonies?), and both ways are a cohesive poem.

However, as Widdershins said, the meaning is the same when read both ways. For me, the backwards way actually makes a bit more sense and is less awkward. Perhaps you could change it so that the frontwards way has a different meaning.

The poem doesn't really seem to go anywhere, either way. Usually in a poem, there's a point, an epiphany, for the reader or the narrator, that the poem leads up to. This, though, doesn't really do that. It just stagnates about darkness and evil. Make it go somewhere.

I'd take out the second line. It doesn't do anything for either way you read it.

Altogether, nice job technically, but work on the content a little. Hope this helped! Happy YWSing!




Heir says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad for your honesty. To be honest it was my first time trying this, and I didn't put as much effort into it as I probably should have, and it shows. I'll be sure to be more thorough in the future with poetry. Again, thanks for the review! :D



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Fri Feb 06, 2015 11:18 pm
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fortis wrote a review...



Hey! I'm surprised you haven't gotten any reviews on this.

I thought it was pretty good. I've tried my hand at these "now read it backwards" poems, and I always find them rather challenging.
When I first read this, I was going to comment on how awkward many of the lines felt, but I know that's just what happens when you write a poem that can be read in either direction. So if you're going for perfection, perhaps find a way to make the lines sound less awkward, if possible of course. I think it's easier to read backwards, but of course, that's the best way to write these, in my opinion, because you go from reading an okay, confusingish poem to one that makes even more sense, and you're more astounded. It makes sense to me.

I think something that's lacking a bit here is what the point of the two-way poems are for. I think your'e supposed to get a different message-- or even one that's completely opposite to the original message-- when you read it the other way. However, I got the same picture in my head, the same emotion, the same reactions. Sure, it was slightly different, as it has to be, but it didn't seem that there was a different point backwards than forwards.

I'm not sure what the content in this was really about, but I loved the images, and I can't find it in myself to complain too much. Good job. :P

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions!
Keep writing!




Heir says...


Thanks for the review. I'll be honest that I didn't think it through very much because I am not really a writer of poetry, and if I'm honest, I actually didn't intend for it to read backwards. When I wrote it out though, I noticed it was possible, so I tried to fix it a bit so that it was less awkward than it was. But yes, that is a fault with it.

The point you made about a different message is something I dislike about it. The difference is there, and I'm aware. But that's no good if it's not apparent to other people.

I'm glad you pointed these things out and bothered to review my poem! Thanks! :D



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Sat Jan 31, 2015 9:21 pm
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Umbra means shadow, doesn't it? XD
I'm not going to review because when it comes to poetry I have no knowledge, thus I don't think I would be able to give you feedback. But I did decide to comment because this is awesome! I don't normally read poetry but the title caught my attention. It was a nice poem with a dark, macabre feel to it. It was nicely written in my opinion. Good job and keep writing!
-Flash




Heir says...


Yes, shadow or darkness (I normally use it for darkness).

To be honest, I don't know a whole lot about poetry myself. When I won the contest, the judges said I used techniques I've never even heard of. I'm more into prose, but I felt it was time to post something, and this was decent enough. Thanks for the comment. :3




cron
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
— Joseph Campbell