z

Young Writers Society


12+

Candyland Chapter 3

by Poseidon


Chapter 3

James

I hit the floor. Plumes of dust sprung up from there resting place. Annabeth lay beside me, sleep, two packages held tightly in her hand.

____________________________________________________________________________

The sound of cows tore me from my sleep. Light flooded my eyes, as I sat up. The barns beams were eroded from long years of the elements. Barrels were stack high to broken up ceiling. My whole body ached as I sat beside my best friend, wanting to get back to sleep. Annabeth was already awake and eating some bread.

“Where did you get that from?” I asked

“Luigi.”

“What?” She looked exasperated, as if I was supposed to know

“The tall twin” I sighed, her and her games. I grabbed a piece of toast from her, and placed it in my mouth. The soft sponginess stuck to the roof of my dry mouth, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t eaten in a while and my stomach was asking for more.

“So now what are we going to do now?” She asked.

“Get out of this crazy world.” I thought she was going to be happy at that answer but she actually looked kind of disappointed.

“What do you mean get out of this crazy world.” She looked me straight in the eye. “These people need our help and you just want to leave and return to your normal life!” She was getting loud. I didn’t like when people tried to make my decisions sound stupid so, I got just as loud.

“We don’t know them!” I rose to me feet. “The only thing I know that this could be a hoax or something”

“A hoax. We just jumped through two portal, seen candy people and almost got blasted into Jello now you’re saying this a hoax.” If I hadn’t been so mad I would’ve laughed. “I thought you would believe them after what they said about your mom.” That hit me full force. I remembered everything that happened the portal, the talk, the paper. I could feel my eyes widening as I reached into my pocket and took it out.

I held back a gasp, I had never seen my mom this young. . She was about my age, 13, her black hair glimmered in the sunlight. A boy stood next to her, his curly, dark brown where like a million tornados making him look strangely familiar. I couldn’t pinpoint it and just as I turned to Annabeth it hit me.

“Annabeth, come over here.” My demanding voice made her hesitate until I held up the photo.

“What about it I thought you said you didn’t-”

“I know what I said but just look.” I held the photo up to her awaiting a reaction. Her face turned from mad to confused. She came closer to get a better look.

“I-Is that m-my Dad?” I nodded “So my dad and your mom were friends an-an-” She burst into tears, turned and stormed out of the barn. A sigh escaped me as I walked over to the where two brown packages lay. There was no point in waiting, if I was going to be in on this I had to be prepared. But why am I doing this, just because Annabeth wants to? I shook my head No not anymore now I know that these people are like my family.

I looked around, making sure Annabeth wasn’t back, and reached for the closest one. The long object kind of jump into my hands making me jump. It was pretty light and it was just my size, kind of like a walking stick. The paper tears easily and to my surprise it’s a staff.

Not just an ordinary one you get from a Halloween costume, it had an aura that attracted me. The letters J-a-m-e-s were engraved on it and a black crystal was at the tip. Kind of like the leaders. I admired it for a moment before hearing Annabeth’s footsteps and before I had time to hide it, she was there.

“What are you doing” she asked. Her red eyes trailed from me to the paper that lay beside me “What did you do? Where is it!” I looked to my hands, confused. The staff wasn’t there.

“I-I-” I stammered over my words not knowing what to say. It was in my hands just seconds ago and now it’s gone.

“You what?” She practically screamed

“I- It was just right here.” I held out my hand and there it was. There was a short silence before she broke it.

“So now what are we going to do? I just heard some people from the house next to us. I think they’re getting ready to come milk these cows.” She gestured behind me “And the man doesn’t sound too nice.”

I thought for a moment. “I guess we’ll save the world.” A small smile began to creep onto her face. “Now let’s talk.”

____________________________________________________________________________

Five minutes passed and we were already done with our “Mission: Save Candy Land” discussion. She told me about what Luigi (aka the tall twin) said before we jump into the last portal but based on Annabeth’s discoveries… there weren’t any clouds.

“So now what” I said but she looked as stumped as I am. I tapped the staff on my foot then an idea came to me.

“How about we-” I didn’t have time to finish before a gruff voice began to speak.

“We can get o lot o money if we find these two. It says here that there’s o girl with dark curly brown hair and o boy with black. Not much description but I bet it’ll be easy to fin them.” I turned to Annabeth… we were in big trouble.

“Yeah daddy” a girl’s voice interrupted his ranting “but it’s not like they’ll be in the barn or anywhere near here”

“I know” he sounded disappointed “but go in there an milk dem cows. I’m goin to go an finish brewin this batch o moon and go sell it in town.” We heard his foots steps retreat and the girls come. I started to panic and look around for places to hide.

“On the count of three we run” Annabeth whispered, her voice shaking.

“Three” Click. The latch opened

“Two” Creak, There goes the door

“One”


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463 Reviews


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Tue Mar 10, 2015 4:34 pm
megsug wrote a review...



The last chapter o.o
Alright, I'm here to knock this out and get caught up. I skimmed through the other reviews. If I repeat anything, I'm sorry.

Oh! That was a mean place to stop.

I'm going to dive right in.

Annabeth's emotions and thoughts are all over the place. She's not a solid character. She's this mass of emotions and opinions that even contradict each other, and whatever one is most convenient for you and your plot is the one on the surface.
Now she's suddenly ready to help these candy people? Then she was crying then screaming (over very little, I might add) then ready to go?
You don't even give us any basis for a bunch of the stuff going on with her. I suggest making a profile of Annabeth, so that you get a better grasp of her because right now she's all over the place. She's not relatable, and she's not believable.

The beginning of the chapter doesn't really make sense either. They're transported to another area (does the wall just spit them out at any place or are the wall and the barn connected?). They don't worry about the safety of the area, they don't groan about being thrown to the floor... They just sleep?

I think this is the slowest and easiest chapter to follow so far, but it still needs some more explanation, some more description, so that the reader actually knows what's going on 100% of the time.

The staff is an intriguing development. I can't wait to see what it means.

Let me know when the next chapter's out.
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know,
Megs~




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Sun Jan 25, 2015 10:34 pm
Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hey there, Poseidon! For a twelve-year-old, your writing is excellent! I have a few recommendations for you first...

The sound of cows tore me from my sleep.

To help the reader feel as if they are actually there with your characters, you should describe the sound of the cows, like this: "the low moans of the dozen or so cows that grazed the verdant field tore me from my sleep." Do you see how the reader can envision the scene a little bit better with that example? Of course I don't know what the scene looks like or if the grass is really green, so it's up to you to change it as you please.
his curly, dark brown where like a million tornados making him look strangely familiar

"Where" is probably supposed to be "were."
“I- It was just right here.” I held out my hand and there it was. There was a short silence before she broke it.

This part confuses me a little bit. Does "there it was" mean the staff was back? And the "before she broke it" part sounds like Annabeth like karate-chopped the staff and broke it, though I understood later that you were referring to the silence. Overall, this part I highlighted just needs a little polishing.
“We can get 'o' lot 'o' money if we find these two. It says here that there’s 'o' girl with dark curly brown hair and 'o' boy with black. Not much description but I bet it’ll be easy to fin' them.”

When dealing with dialects, it's important to add 's where the speaking is a little different, like I did in the example (the parts shown in red). Words like brewin need to be changed to brewin.'

Like Timmy said, you need to read through this chapter again and insert all those periods.

Wow, excellent suspense at the end! I'm actually really excited to learn what happens next, so please let me know when you post a new chapter! :)

This is a really creative plot you have here! Your characters are very well characterized, and the arguments between them created a realistic conflict. I feel like I know Annabeth and James very well after reading only one chapter, since you've written about them so well.

Keep up the awesome work! :D




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Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:29 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello and Happy Review Day! Smaug is here to review. :)

You've made a few typos in this; I think you thought faster than your fingers could type! But nevermind. I've looked over some of them for you, just be sure to read back over your story afterwards.

I hit the floor. Plumes of dust sprung up from there resting place. Annabeth lay beside me, sleep, two packages held tightly in her hand.
I'm going to paste an edited version below, so you can see what mistakes you made.
I hit the floor. Plumes of dust sprung up from their resting place. Annabeth lay beside me, asleep, two packages held tightly in her hand.

The barns beams were eroded from long years of the elements.
You forgot to say that the barn owns the beams. You need a little apostrophe, like this: barn's.

“A hoax. We just jumped through two portal, seen candy people and almost got blasted into Jello now you’re saying this a hoax.”
Portal needs to be a plural, so it becomes portals.

“Yeah daddy” a girl’s voice interrupted his ranting “but it’s not like they’ll be in the barn or anywhere near here”
You need your punctuation in the text. A comma after 'daddy' and after 'ranting'. See how I've edited it: “Yeah daddy,” a girl’s voice interrupted his ranting, “but it’s not like they’ll be in the barn or anywhere near here.”

The last line was very exciting! I want to keep reading now! I hope this review helped you, keep writing!




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Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:15 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy heeeere :3

So I am here. A bit late than what I initially thought I would be able to show up, but at least I have finally arrived. c: So what I think I shall do in this review is pretty much avoid talking about plot, avoid talking about character as much (unless I see anything obviously out of place), and just stick to the technical. Because I have not read any of the previous chapters, although I may go back and review them when I am caught up, I can only review based off what I have in front of me. So more technical than anything. Let's get started. :3

The first thing I notice are punctuation errors littered throughout. While this isn't a big deal if there are a few missing, once the errors accumulate and become great in number, they distract the reader from the story. And most of them are simple to fix, such as--

“Where did you get that from?” I asked


missing a period ^^

She looked exasperated, as if I was supposed to know


missing another period ^^

--the period errors, which outnumber any other issues which someone may have with this piece. I won't mention them all, but a quick look through this piece for errors of that kind will help the general readability of the piece. And allow us to focus on your beautiful story rather than the mistakes which seem to poke out at us while we read. So just some simple editing there, for future reference. And remember: a quick read before posting, just to ensure there aren't any errors, helps tremendously for editing. While you may not be able to see the little things like redundancy and unclear descriptions, missing periods and the like are easy to spot and fix. And so worth spending the time mending, too. c:

It was pretty light and it was just my size, kind of like a walking stick. The paper tears easily and to my surprise it’s a staff.


So, tense issues in here. I don't see them very often, so yayyy for that - but they're still here. The part I pulled out above ^^ is a good example of that. The first sentence is in past tense (walked), while the second sentence is in present tense (walks). And it isn't something you can really force your mind to stop doing right. now, but something which takes time before you quit making that mistake. Heh, especially when you're writing one book in present tense and the other in past, things tend to become confusing. After a while, you won't see those tense errors anymore, but only as long as you fix them as you see the errors pop up. Your mind will remember to write past tense all the way through as long as you give it a reason to remember. And reminding it is the best way. :3 So, when you're writing, look for those errors as you go. As you write, make sure you're writing in the proper tense. And when you go to edit, look to make sure you don't have any parts in the wrong tense. Always fix those mistakes so eventually you won't get them anymore. For this piece, it seems as though you meant to write the whole thing in past tense, since the majority of it seems to be that way. c:

It was pretty light and it was just my size, kind of like a walking stick. The paper tears easily and to my surprise it’s a staff.


It seems rather odd that even though he says it feels like it's a walking stick, he is still surprised when it turns out to be a staff... which is basically just a walking stick that can (sometimes) conduct magic.

“So now what” I said but she looked as


Question mark after what and comma after said. Don't, don't forget these other punctuation errors, either. Have to pay them careful attention while editing. This website has always been a helpful resource for me when I have needed help knowing what to do.

I tapped the staff on my foot


wait wut. I thought the staff had disappeared? Or had it come back? I did read a quick blip where I thought it had perhaps come back, but wasn't sure. So, details. Don't forget to mention things that need mentioning, and dwelling on them for a moment. Your readers don't mind if they get a full sentence or even a bit more explaining the staff's disappearance and reappearance. And that detail is very necessary to the story, because it keeps the reader 1) informed of what is going on in your story, and 2) gives them a clear picture to go off of, and so are never lost - which basically is an off-shoot of the first point. So work on the detail, adding in those things which give the reader a full image of the story. And don't be worried about slowing the piece down, because while it does slow the pacing, its a necessary slow part. So don't leave out the detail, and don't leave out the description. Because those are two of the key elements of a piece which make theme whole, and just like when baking cakes, if you don't put in the correct amount of each, the cake won't turn out as good as it could be. c:

goin to go an finish brewin this


I love, love how you do the accents on your character's speech there. I think it adds a bit more authenticity to his voice, and makes him who he is (which we'll find out soon, I think. The reader has yet to meet him). But when you do things like brewin, be sure to add the "thingy" at the end. So, brewin' and goin' would fix that right up for ya there. :3

count of three we run” Annabeth whispered


Comma after three, and another one after run

“Three” Click. The latch opened

“Two” Creak, There goes the door

“One”


A period after each of the sentences there is needed, as well as there in the second line to be un-capitalized since it's in the middle of a sentence. Minor things which I thought I would mention - just so it would help you notice these kinds of things in the future.

While all I have to know about this story is what I've seen in this chapter here... it's amazing. I love the characters and their names are very easy to remember and original, but there's something I love about them besides that. Their voices. Usually it takes quite a few chapters in order to establish a voice for your character, but in this, I see it. I see your Dylan's personality shining through his speech, as does Annabeth's. And that is something which comes rarely to a piece this young, and almost never with as much clarity as you've given us here. amazing amazing amazing amazing. And the last bit? The suspense was killing me, and then you. just. stopped. the. chapter. >.< Figures. You gotta have that cliffhanger at the end to keep me interested, and it worked so perfectly. One of the best cliffhangers I've seen, and one of the most suspenseful (although it's funny because a little girl is coming into the barn. xD). You can post on my wall or ping me with the following chapters, and I would be more than happy to review them for you. You have me hooked on this novel. All I need to do now is find out what the rest of the plot is by reading the first two chapters.... I'll be on those soon. c:
~Darth Timmyjake




Poseidon says...


Thank you thank you thank you. This rrally helped alot. I was hoping someone would say something about the suspence. I will definitely post you on the next chapter.




It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
— Voltaire