Young Writers Society

@Charizard821 you can finally stop pestering me because I have read this chapter. Personally I liked it but I feel like it was one of those boring chapters at the starting of books which is completely fine. I just feel that you could have made it more interesting. I am being very critical and harsh but I am trying this as a way to review instead of my nicer reviews I have done on this series before. I thought from the ending of the last chapter it would have been Char and the mysterious pokemon talking and not Sapphire and King Blastoise (Which I believe should have an actual name but whatever) talking about how the day with Char went. It is a good thing that King Blastoise wants to believe Sapphire and he is doing some research on Emburn. I do like that you aren't just having the story follow Char but you are adding Sapphire and her life, also the relationship between Sapphire and her Dad into the story. I believe that adding in those details can really inprove this fanfic in a whole, you just have to make sure you don't mess it up but knowing you i know for a fact that you wont mess this great fanfic up. Continue writing these great chapters of A Tale Of A Charmander.

I'm back! Finally! I am so sorry for not getting around to this until now. (My school day is over ten hours long, so... Ugh.)

Anyways, moving onto the review.

I know Hunter commended you for Sapphire's recollection of the day, but while the grammar is completely correct, there is something that is off. The paragraph is too structured, and while I do not object to the prepositions, they sound premeditated. Adding adjectives before the noun they describe, rather than adding it in afterwards as a separate clause, is also a sign of prior planning. (However, if Sapphire had been thinking about what her father might ask, then I wouldn't complain about this.)

Also, I think you're missing out on a good place for drama. This scene where King Blastoise interrogates Wing and Snap is missing some heavy action and emotion. While punctuation seems to be providing the reader with just enough emotion, it feels that there isn't enough. King Blastoise is either confused, or angry, or both in this scene, but we are never given much hint as to which, either straight out or through described facial expression or action. The same goes for Wing and Snap. Just because we don't have insight on exactly what a character is thinking, doesn't mean their body language can't tell us. (I think some flinching and eyebrow-raising are in order.)

Continuing with the good parts: I do appreciate this plot. It reminds me a little of a novel I read where, for most of the book, the narrating character never outright revealed his royal backstory, even in his private thoughts. It's nice seeing a similar trick deployed with Char.

I am also glad that you switch perspectives a bit. It certainly adds to the mystery. Given the circumstances, I think you could have done the whole chapter in third-person objective, but this is nice too.

Good job! If you don't mind, could you let me know when you update?
-Buggie

Salutations.

This is a rather short chapter, in comparison with your previous ones. To be honest, it seems more like the end of a chapter, rather than a chapter on its own. You know, like where you mostly focus on a single protagonist, but then you switch to another character close to the end of the chapter because you want to achieve dramatic effect – like the plot twist at the end of your previous chapter!

Anyway, it is clear you cannot make this chapter an extension of the previous one, since that would ruin everything, but you would do well to keep this in mind when writing future chapters.

My Legend:
Red – correction
Orange – suggestion
Green – addition
Blue – removal

When Sapphire returned to the castle, Char was already in his room, sound asleep. The last thing she wanted to do was wake him, so she decided she would grab some berries from the kitchen and go to bed herself.

“I want to know everything that happened today, starting from the moment you left the castle, all the way up to now,” the King demanded.

“Okay, okay!” Sapphire replied, raising her paws in surrender. “First, I showed Char the Town Square. Then, we went to the Meadow and played a fun game of tag. Afterwards, we visited the Beach, where I went swimming and Char laid on the sand. We also met up with Will and Blaze. Then, Char showed up at the bonfire and chatted with the other Pokémon! See? Nothing happened!”

“Or at least, I don’t.” He gave Sapphire a sceptical look.

“Anything that could hint about exactly who he is, who he may be associated with or what he was doing out in that storm?”

Sitting against the door, Sapphire drew her knees close to her head, which was difficult, considering her bulky shell.

I'm probably just being stupid.

“Well, it was more of a correction than a story,” added Snap.

“Well, stop beating around the bush and get on with it! What kind of story?”

“Well,” began Wing, “a Pokémon by the name of Charge who visits the Bonfire regularly had told a story of the infamous criminal Emburn.”

The King hadn’t the foggiest idea of who Emburn was, but he could feel this story getting dark, fast.

“In comparison with Char’s story, Charge’s sounded like a Magikarp trying to convince others of its true power,” Snap blurted out.

Also, tell the Gallade in the Library to send me all the books he has on Emburn.

They then scurried out the main door, past Sapphire who was still deep in thought, and off to the library.

As hard as the King tried to believe his daughter and Sapphire attempted to trust her own judgment, there was still that recurring doubt.

Who was Char?

This review courtesy of