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Young Writers Society


12+

Bally the Talking Dog: 'The RULES'

by Tay01


‘The RULES’

“Alright, Bally boy. Listen carefully. Rule number one. No barking. Number two. No running. Number three. No licking. Number four. No touching anything. Number six…” Grandma went on. She did not want Bally to do any of the things he did last year at her house. Bally yawned as grandma went through hundreds of rules.

“Got it, Bally?” Grandma asked, after her two hundred and eighty-sixth rule. Bally was already half asleep. “GOT IT BALLY?” Grandma raised her voice at the poor innocent dog. “Yes, yes…” Bally said, awakening. Right after that, we took a long shower and got ready for skiing. All of us were so excited. We looked forward to it, although Ell nearly fell off a steep hill two years ago, while she was skiing with Granddad.

Soon later, we got our skies on our winter boots. Everyone was ready, except for Bally, who had to stay under the chair the whole time. “Poor Bally,” Ell said. “Not poor, deserved! He deserves to be down there,” Grandma said, crossing her arms. All of us were sad, except Grandma, but were soon happy again as we went down a steep hill with our skis.

Everything was better when it was morning break time.  We ate bread with hot chocolate that dropped to our chest. “Yum! Grandma you certainly are great at this,” I said at top voice. She smiled. 

We went home, with a shock. Bally was angry. He stood right in front of Grandma.

“I had enough of the RULES! I had enough of…”

‘The RULES!’ and Grandma nearly fainted.

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802 Reviews

Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

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Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:57 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!
I have a few nitpicks, which I've addressed below...
“Got it, Bally?” Grandma asked, after her two hundred and eighty-sixth rule.
Two hundred and eighty-six rules? That number is a little too far-fetched to be taken seriously. Try a smaller number like thirty-four, that's small enough to just be believable but it's also a lot of rules, which is what you were trying to get across.
I'm confused about Bally being a dog, because I assume that Grandma and all the others are human. Dogs cannot talk, so unless the others are all dogs (which you need to describe), it does not make enough sense.
This was a fun kids story, the end made me smile. Just touch up on those things and it will be a good short story.




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9 Reviews

Points: 917
Reviews: 9

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Sat Jan 03, 2015 3:32 am
Kortez wrote a review...



Hello!
This story is very... straightforward. I have a few critiques. ^^;
First off, when you said, "Number four. No touching anything."
That is grammatically wrong. You would add in a colon and write, "Number four: no touching anything." (That is correct ;) )
Also, whenever a new character speaks, try to start a new paragraph. It makes the story more clean and organized. ^u^ So, in the second paragraph, when Bally said, "Yes, yes.." Bally said, awakening.", you would start a new paragraph. :)

"GOT IT BALLY?" Grandma raised her voice at the poor innocent dog.

It should be, "GOT IT, BALLY?"
Whenever addressing a person/animal, always use commas. ;)
For an example:
Good afternoon, Steve.
Would you fancy a mug of hot chocolate, Billy?
Sebastian, will you get the door?
Would you like a treat, Sammy?

Also, who is Ell? I may be forgetting something, though I don't think that the story ever explained who he/she was. (Sorry if I missed it! ^^;)

Another thing. This story feels very disoriented to me. It goes from Grandma and Bally to skiing to morning break time, and then to Grandma again? This doesn't make sense to me. (I'm sorry!)

Also, who is "I?" I'm not sure who "I" is. It cannot be Grandma or Ell or Bally... or is it?

One more thing. This story has some detail, but I believe that you could put more into it. You could describe HOW angry Bally was. How irritated was Grandma? What did the ski hill look like? What did the hot chocolate taste like? Who is Bally?

Use your five senses (smell, taste, hearing, touch, and sight ;) ) in your stories. It will enhance your writing and I think that you would benefit greatly! :D

I'm not trying to be rude or mean, I am just trying to help. ;) I hope that you will take this advice into consideration and will apply it to your future stories. ;)

Have a great day!

~Kortez




Tay01 says...


Oh thank you Kortez. I did not notice those mistakes first, but now that you have mentioned it, I see where I have to improve.

And speaking of who is Ell, well actually I wrote a series story and this series is number 3. I did not want to post the series 1 and 2 because all my tenses were wrong. %uD83D%uDE03



Kortez says...


Oh, that makes much more sense (about Ell). So people wouldn't be confused, if I were you, I'd consider maybe revising both series and posting them on here so people wouldn't be confused. ;)
You're welcome, buddy! (Thanks again for the point donation!! You are too kind! <3 ^u^)



Tay01 says...


yeah thanks. Haha.




A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
— Mark Twain