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Young Writers Society



the day i escaped part1

by thelilalockwood


Me and this person I think my sister I doubt it though. She throws a ball and starts laughing. I catch it and get surround with beach balls. I start to scream and appear in my room. My sister is laughing over my bed and leaves my room. I get up and look at the time 10:16 I freak out I'm going to get in trouble. I didn't get ready for, wait my sisters still here. I got up and dressed and went outside my room my sister jumped out and I almost fell down the stairs, but caught myself with the railing. I stopped and looked up "what about the family reunion?" she laughed "they already left and I'm going out now that your up but first make me breakfast or tell mom you misbehaved." I chocked back a smile with a frown. I went downstairs and put on pancakes. she came down on the phone. I had just finished and gave her her plate. she ate it and text her friend saying bye to me. I ran to my room grab my diary and wrote.

9~15~2014

This is the day I escape.

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Fri Jun 25, 2021 1:12 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Me and this person I think my sister I doubt it though. She throws a ball and starts laughing. I catch it and get surround with beach balls. I start to scream and appear in my room. My sister is laughing over my bed and leaves my room. I get up and look at the time 10:16 I freak out I'm going to get in trouble. I didn't get ready for, wait my sisters still here. I got up and dressed and went outside my room my sister jumped out and I almost fell down the stairs, but caught myself with the railing. I stopped and looked up "what about the family reunion?" she laughed "they already left and I'm going out now that your up but first make me breakfast or tell mom you misbehaved." I chocked back a smile with a frown. I went downstairs and put on pancakes. she came down on the phone. I had just finished and gave her her plate. she ate it and text her friend saying bye to me. I ran to my room grab my diary and wrote.

This is the day I escape.


Well, this is quite intriguing here...especially that ending makes this a pretty intriguing premise here at any rate, you definitely want to find out more about what's going on here and read the story based on what's here, although I must admit this needs quite a bit of ironing out first. So, getting right to that there, there's quite a few sentences here that don't quite seem to make sense but it looks like that was already pointed out so, I'll just talk a little bit about the other issue I spotted here and that's the lack of a proper flow.

It sort of seems to jump from place to place rather than one properly continuous scene here, and I think that probably has to do with the way that the story is structured here, with the tenses also having a bit of a weird flow to them. Splitting this up into a couple of paragraphs to at least separate the dialogue and sort of showing a bit more description of the things happening would go a long way to sorting that out.

Now, despite all that, I did manage to decipher the general gist of things happening here and I did like what I saw. This story has potential to be a pretty cool one here, and it sounds like something that I would actually continuing reading from. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Jan 20, 2015 3:59 pm
Nicolea says...



Punctuation is so horrible here. SERIOUSLY learn how to write. :




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Sun Jan 04, 2015 1:41 am
graceelizabeth4250 wrote a review...



I'm going to write a review.
Honestly I'm a little confused of whats happening... I would suggest adding more details, and clarifying things more, like Why is she escaping? What is up with the beach balls? I really like how your putting journal entries in. I would suggest to make your chapters longer too, and start with a really great hook, that makes the readers hooked, making them read more. I honestly was not hooked. But.. I am interested in reading more! Keep writing! :)




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Sat Jan 03, 2015 3:19 am
Tay01 wrote a review...



Hello here with a review about you story. You must certainly pay attention because it makes your story different and more attractive than before.

Your creativity is not bad. But I do believe you can do better as in like describe it more.

How did your sister throw the ball?
How was she dressed?
How did you scream?
Beach balls with what pattern?

There are almost loads you can add into your story to make it better but I do believe it is a really, really great start for you. Also, try and make a little more suspense, I mean people love interesting ones with a little suspense because that is what makes your story glow from the dark to the light of dawn. Next is you tell what is the point of it. Tell us a lot more about it, so people would not just read halfway and then leave you a comment of some sort that you would a hundred percent would not love to hear about. The best is you show and express it all.

The one thing that really annoys me ( I don't mean that you're bad but I mean that it SHOULD be changed because it is one of the most important rules of English ) is you tenses. Stories are always in past tense as you are talking about what happened. If you put it in present tense means it is happening NOW. As in really NOW! Even if people read it a hundred or thousand days later, it is still counting as if it is happening then. i am sure your teachers and parents will comment about your tenses if they read this because it is pretty obvious.

The next part is the start. Not really easy to understand. Was that your sister or what? I read it three times but I do not seem to understand it at all. Now certainly there are people who already commented about this part because I do not think that if I do not understand, they will. Please make sure that you change that into a proper start before publishing it out because it makes a really really big difference.

I believe that is all I have for you now. And although you did not do really good here, I am still looking forward to your escape plan and during the escape. Please make sure you add way more suspense because it is awesome. Till then, keep on writing, because it only gets better, and better, and better and better.

Remember... it is important for you to make changes or I am afraid you are not really going to shine. And EVERYBODY ( including me you him her they we and everybody else ) will love to shine into a shooting super star as famous as anything in our mind and dreams and heart.

Please do write more and if you change your mind on writing here, write anywhere as long as I an see it. So for now, with nothing much or nothing else to say,

SO LONG MATE!

Everything will get better if you have the heart and mind and dream to do it.

GOODBYE!!!!!!

P.S. I am looking forward for Chapter 2.



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thanks for the review and i wrote this first on wattpad really late so sorry for grammer and tenses



Tay01 says...


nice



Tay01 says...


by the way, where is chapter 2?


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need more coins but if you get wattpad it is on there



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Fri Jan 02, 2015 11:30 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hi, steampowered here for a review!

Now, I liked the premise for this story, and obviously this extract is only the start – I’m assuming you’ll be adding more to this chapter later. I think this story could go a long way, but it could do with some development.

For example, I was a little confused by the start:

Me and this person I think my sister I doubt it though.


This doesn’t actually make any sense. Maybe you could rephrase it so it’s clearer? It also doesn’t quite work as a standalone sentence; you really need to add something to it so it’s less fractured.

I’m assuming the main character was having a dream in the opening sentences, but it took a while for me to work this out. What you really ought to do here is make it very clear that it’s some kind of dream. For instance, you could italicise the text where the main character is dreaming. Also, when the character wakes up, she “appears” in her room. Would it be better for her to wake up in bed rather than “appearing?” It would leave the reader less confused.

I actually found the story quite confusing – I didn’t always know what was going on or who was speaking. For instance:

I didn't get ready for, wait my sisters still here.


Get ready for what? It looks as though you missed a bit of the sentence out by mistake. Also, I know I’m being picky, but sisters should be “sister’s.”

I had just finished and gave her her plate. she ate it and text her friend saying bye to me.


Now, had the main character finished cooking the pancakes or eating her share of the pancakes? The way you’ve worded the sister eating, it sounds like she’s eating the plate. It might be better to write, “she ate the pancakes” rather than the ambiguous “she ate it.” Also, you should really make it clear that the sister isn’t texting her friend with a goodbye message to the main character. You should probably write something more like: “She ate her breakfast while texting her friend, then said bye to me as she left.”

You also need to remember to capitalise sentences and keep the tense constant. You start off in present tense “she throws a ball” but then you switch to the past tense “she came down on the phone” and “I ran to my room.” Then in the very last bit you go back to the present tense “This is the day I escape.” If you don’t keep the tense the same all the way through it makes it inconsistent and difficult to follow. Choose one tense and stick to it. :)

“I chocked back a smile”… should that be “I choked back a smile?” Also, why did she choke back a smile with a frown? As they’re complete opposites it doesn’t quite work. Maybe she can just choke back a smile, or disguise her smile with a frown. It also seems a bit weird that she’s just been threatened by her sister, yet she’s trying not to smile. It would probably be more realistic for her to disguise her frown with a smile, to try and keep in her sister’s good books.

I think that’s all my feedback, and hopefully I didn’t just discourage you. There’s definitely some room for improvement here, but if you keep working at it you will develop as a writer. Best of luck with your future writing, and welcome to YWS! :D



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thanks I have written more but on a different site




Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg