z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Pale Wizard

by mephistophelesangel


In the thick veil of darkness, the windows of the wooden house glowed brightly with light. The numerous trees that created an ocean around the house cast swaying, long shadows on the ground. They seemed to reach out to the woman who stood about ten steps from the front door.

The woman shivered, and raised a hand to brush her black hair out of her face. The biting winds placed the hair back where it had been. Giving up, she returned her hand back to her side. It trembled uncontrollably in the cold.

After a moment of taking a deep breath in preparation, she raced to the front door, swung up a fist and was about to knock. Before she could, the door abruptly opened to reveal the warm inside of the house.

A man in a white shirt, white pants and white cloak stood in front of her, his colorless hair floating around his face freely. His pale eyes curved in a smile. “Come in.”

The woman stared at him in wonder, before she took a wary step into the house. She froze for a split second, then seemed to realize that nothing had happened to her, and continued on her path into the house. The door closed behind her softly.

“You,” she began to speak with a cracked voice, yet had to cut herself off. After curling into herself and releasing two shattering coughs, her eyes regained a little amount of life. “Are you the wizard of the forest?” She finally managed to inquire.

“What’s that?” the pale man responded as a question, laughing. He half danced over to a chair and carried it above his head, then set it down right next to the woman. “You can sit. I don’t mind. Anyway, what wizard?”

Not looking at the chair nor sitting down, the woman set a hand against the wall. Her eyes searched desperately for any signs of recognition on the man’s face. “The wizard of the forest. You’re supposed to be the wizard of the forest. They told me about you, that I’d find you here. A white man.”

The man shrugged and sat down on the chair after waiting a while for the woman to sit. His smile tilted to the side. “Then I guess that’s me. Well, do you think I’m a wizard?”

Before answering him, the woman supported more of her weight on the wall, and glanced around at the interior of the house. The house was completely square, with no rooms. About half of it was filled with tables and chairs of various colors and sizes. Another half was full of water. When the woman noticed it, she took a step back hastily, yet after a moment of studying it, gaped slightly. The water wasn’t being held in by anything, yet it wasn’t falling — not even a drop.

Inside the water, there were five floating animals; a blue tiger, a crimson bird encased in flickering flames, a turtle with the head of a snake, a deer with black scales instead of fur, and a gold fox with six tails. They all were breathing and swimming without being drowned.

After a long, silent while of staring at the bizarre assortment of animals, the woman gazed directly at the pale man. “I need you to be a wizard,” she replied, and clenched her hands into fists on her brown leather cloak.

A shade of interest fell across the man’s face. “Revenge?” He murmured, rolling the words around in his mouth.

Eyes wide, the woman stared at him. “I never said anything about revenge.”

Laughing, the man leaned back in his chair so that only a leg of it touched the ground. He lifted a finger and pointed it at the space above the woman’s head. “That thing told me.”

The woman reflexively glanced up, yet found nothing. She brought her head back to where it had been, frowning.

Smiling with his eyes, the man stood up from the chair, walked over to the woman in a blink, and began to make motions right above her head, as if he was brushing off dust. “Don’t drag around so many things into my house. They don’t like it.”

He blew away a strand of hair from his face and jumped back onto the chair. His face regained the same smile. “What revenge?”

The woman shook her head and took a deep breath. She began; “They killed my husband, and my daughter—“

The man laughed out loud, cutting her off. He crouched on top of the chair, still giggling. “No, I said, what revenge?”

“I’m telling you that.” The woman replied in visible confusion. “If you didn’t cut me off, I would have told you.”

“What revenge?” The man repeated, a cold light shimmering in his eyes briefly before it disappeared. “I know your story. That thing told me, remember?” Again, he pointed at the woman; this time right above her left shoulder. “What revenge, do you want?”

Slowly, the woman lowered her gaze to her hands. “I don’t have the power,” she murmured in a low voice. “I want to kill them all, but I don’t have the power. That’s why I came looking for you. I’ve been looking for years—“

The man raised a hand, his expression only half smiling. Even the little laugh that had remained on his face disappeared when he opened his mouth. “Many like you came to this house,” he told the woman. “But many also died on the way. I know everybody who reached me, and those who didn’t.”

A weak smile formed on his face. He leaned forward in his chair with a precarious balance, swaying dangerously. “Do you see what I mean? I let them get help from me. If they wished for death, I sent them away.”

“I…” the woman nearly stopped breathing. She raised a trembling finger to point at herself. “Why did I reach you, then?”

The man spread his arms out to the side widely. “I’m alive. Can’t you see it? I’m still living.”

“I don’t…” The woman shook her head wildly. Her eyes were getting mistier by each second that passed. “I just need revenge, not riddles.”

His eyes twinkling, the man let his cloak fall to the ground and then raised up his shirt to his chin. The woman immediately averted her eyes, yet slowly turned them when the man kept his shirt up.

There was nothing. The man’s torso seemed to be erased out in the shape of a jagged slash.

Without hurry, the man tugged the shirt back into its place. His eyes were grinning.

“How?” The woman whispered. “What… How…”

“All curses are meant to come back to the caster. If they don’t, they just exist out there, wandering. Like this.” He reached out into the air in front of him and made a hand motion, as if he was grabbing something. Faintly, he smiled. “You can’t see it, can you? It’s trying to eat me because I avoided it. I’ve never done the same thing since.”

With tears in her eyes, the woman shoved her face into her hands. “I don’t understand what you’re saying. I just want revenge for my family.”

The man sighed. He released what he had been holding in the air and scratched his pale head. “Sure. I guess you don’t like talking.”

He closed his eyes for a second, then reopened them. A huge, bone-chilling wind swept through the house. The man’s cloak wavered in the air wildly. “The curse is done. They are dead.”

The woman blinked. “Just like that? Is this a lie?” She murmured, stumbling back a step.

“No, it isn’t.” His face visibly exhausted, the man nearly knocked over the chair he was sitting on. He laughed tiredly. “It’s coming. Get out.”

Her face went slack with shock, yet she still managed to stumble to the door. It slammed open by itself, the direction opposite compared to when the man had opened it. She took a shuddering breath, then began to sprint as fast as she could. The door shut behind her.

The house immediately went silent without the presence of the woman. Even the warm air settled, holding its breath.

The man frowned sadly, and turned to face the animals in the water. They had all stopped moving. Instead, they were gazing intently at the man.

“I—“ the man began.

Before he could say anything, the crack that had erased half of his body widened. His face and hands disappeared, and the white pieces of fabric fell onto the ground in a small heap.

A whisper of air existed before the water fell down in a massive wave, holding nothing inside. 


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1634 Reviews


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Wed Feb 18, 2015 10:04 pm
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Deanie says...



Hey there! Just a quickie comment because I wanted to appreciate how much I liked this. I loved the idea of it, and how we got to see what the woman was coming for. And even though it originally started out about her, I gradually came to see that maybe it was about the wizard. He must have wanted to die to let her come near and help her.

An interesting short story :3 I wish the title was a bit more intriguing though!

Deanie x




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18 Reviews


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Tue Jan 13, 2015 4:55 pm
ehobby wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Emily and I will be reviewing your short today.
Your grammar and word choice are great! Just be careful that you don't overcrowd you sentences with detail. If you add too much detail, your readers can get ovewhelmed. I love your plot, and to make this story truely stellar you should try and edit out some of your detail and really let your plot shine. You can do this by breaking up the description into a sentence or two in each paragraph, or one big paragraph of description. This way it doesn't overshadow the plot.
I love your writing style, your work has a wonderful flow.
Good job and good luck, keep writing!




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18 Reviews


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Tue Jan 13, 2015 4:54 pm
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ehobby says...



I really like your story! Are you thinking about writing any more in this universe/plotline?






Hey!

I'm so sorry, I don't know why I didn't see your question before.
Although there'll be more stories about wizards, I don't think that they'll follow this particular universe or plotline. Sorry :)

Mephis



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Fri Jan 02, 2015 1:47 am
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JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



Hello, my friend.

First, a wonderfully gripping story. Your writing was incredibly rhythmic; it all flowed seamlessly together. You have an impressive talent for tight, intricate, and moving writing.

Second, some grammatical things:

I really didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors. I was actually quite impressed with your grammar. Usually I can see small mistakes, little things that are easy to miss. However, I did not find any in this piece.

Third, some stylistic suggestions:

The numerous trees that created an ocean around the house cast swaying, long shadows on the ground.


Your words became a bit too bulky in this sentence. I believe you need to clear this sentence up with some punctuation. Perhaps, "The numerous trees, that created an ocean around the house, cast swaying, long shadows on the ground." Wonderful imagery, but perhaps separate this into two sentences and go into more detail about how the trees created an ocean around the house.

They seemed to reach out to the woman who stood about ten steps from the front door.


Do the trees seem to reach out to the woman? Or is it the shadows? That isn't quite clear.

The woman shivered, and raised a hand to brush her black hair out of her face.


What I enjoy about your writing is the flow, but this sentence seems to ruin the natural beat that your writing has established. For me, it is the inclusion of a conjunction between these two clauses. Try, "The woman shivered, raising a hand to brush her black hair out of her face." As well, these are merely stylistic suggestions. I do not mean to say that my way is better, but I am simply offering helpful suggestions.

After a moment of taking a deep breath in preparation, she raced to the front door, swung up a fist and was about to knock.


The first clause of this sentence seems to be a bit of a mouthful. Simplicity is best for a reader, and makes for gorgeous writing. You can truncate that phrase," After a moment of taking a deep breath in preparation..." to "After taking a breath in preparation." Or "After a deep breath of preparation." I feel as though, as the clause is, it is a bit too much.

A man in a white shirt, white pants and white cloak stood in front of her, his colorless hair floating around his face freely.


You have an opportunity for some consonance, in regards to the letter "f." Try, "...his colorless hair floating freely around his face." "...floating freely" rolls off the tongue. Beautiful imagery.

The woman stared at him in wonder, before she took a wary step into the house.


Here is another chance to simplify. "The woman stared at him in wonder, before taking a wary step into the house."

“You,” she began to speak with a cracked voice, yet had to cut herself off.


You use the phrase "... cut herself off..." and other phrases like it, several times throughout this piece. I would advise against it. The words are bulky, and seem out of place in the scene you have created.

“What’s that?” the pale man responded as a question, laughing.


The reader will be able to tell that he responded in question form, as there is a question mark after his words. The addition of you explaining that his response was a question seems redundant.

After a long, silent while of staring...


This seems like awkward word choice to me. There must be a more effective way to get the point that the waited some time and stared at each other.

All in all, I quite enjoyed your writing style. As I have said, you are quite gifted in the area of flow.

Fourth, your characters:

I enjoyed both the wizard and the unknown woman. Through their actions and the way that they spoke, you gave me unique insight into their personalities. I don't have much to say about your characters. Quite impressive.

Fifth, your plot:

The one complaint I would have is I have no idea what time period, or where, this story takes place. I attempted to draw general conclusions, but this scene could have taken place anywhere. The only thing that might have given the time period or the location away was the fact that the woman was wearing a leather coat. Leather coats weren't common until the 20th century, which led me to believe that this may be a modern tale? I wasn't quite sure.

I enjoyed the small snippets the reader was given. I hate over-exposition, but you managed to give us insight into the conditions of this world well.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this short story. Impressive story telling, characters, and a mysterious ending. I'd love to read more of your writing. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!





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